Broke NC, been desperate, mixed signals from ex, in so much pain

[forumposted]

Hey,

 

New poster and I really have no where else to turn at this point. I'm posting this on every site I can find to get some advice or something. I am just at a lowest point in my life. I've never had such little self esteem, depression and genuinely don't care anymore about anyone in my life except my ex and I'm worried.

 

 

A little backstory: My ex broke up with me about two months ago, our relationship was hard because our situations are what made it extremely tricky. We both have depression and dealt with it in different ways... my ex wanted out because she wanted to be "free" and was sick of me sitting in bed all day, she absolutely loved me and cared for me but in her words cared too much about me that she forgot to care about herself. She said she was too young to deal with all of this... I am a little older than her by 8 years. Just to clarify, this was a lesbian relationship. We loved each other as people and our company together is the best, we just found it hard to deal with our situations. She cheated on me at one point, begged to get back and let me forgive her, I did. But then she decided she wanted a breakup randomly and I was so upset.

 

 

During this breakup, I've begged to get back together and the tables have completely turned. During our relationship, I was always the one who'd push her away and not really be interested in her, she was OBSESSED, talked about marriage etc and honestly my ex has tendencies where she takes things to extremes and then can easily let go of them for another extreme, hence why this breakup is happening probably. She's convinced herself she no longer wants a relationship despite two months ago wanting nothing else.

 

Anyway, I did stupid things... ran to her house, etc and cried in her arms. I kept getting told the same thing "I love you, we just aren't going to work right now, we need to find ourselves and grow and become happy withthin ourselves".

 

A few weeks of me continously crying and talking to her, my friend tells me to block her and delete her and start NC as it's clearly not doing me any good. So I do. I send her one last message telling her not to take any of the deleting off FB personal or anything, but I'm doing it for me. I hear nothing back from her, it's all good.

 

I struggle the next week, but I'm doing better than I was. Then my friend and I are out at a club and see her... we give each other an awkward smile, that's all. No talking, no texting, nothing.

 

Two days after, which was 3 days ago... I have a really low morning. I was alone and depressed. I end up phoning my ex and she at first picks up the phone and is angry, telling me I can't contact her as we're exes, but then we have a 3 hour phonecall. Of nothing but chatting normally, laughing, catching up. She tells me she's been low as well and actually took drugs to get rid of her feelings. It feels so normal and she starts flirting on the phone. She tells me she misses me like hell. She tells me she'd still consider getting a tattoo of me because I meant that much to her. She says she still loves me. She tells me I looked good in the club and if I'd asked her to go up to the room with me she'd have went. I bring up the fact that a mutual friend of ours told me she was in three minds, one wanted to get back with me, one wanted to cry and one wanted to go and have sex with everyone else, and she confirms it's true. I tell her that talkn to her is the happiest I've been in days and she says same.

 

I get so caught up in all this because I'm messed up so I ask her if she'd like to have one last night of sex and have a great ending, since the last meetups have been so awkward. she says yes, that'd be great. Then texts two hours later saying, no, actually it'll mke our feelings worse. I apologise for even bringing it up, and in the apology I also say sorry for not respecting her decision in the first pace about breaking up and contacting her, but ask to meet up in person for one last goodbye, a nice one, and she's like I'll think about it, I might meet you tomorrow.... the next day I get a text in the afternoon saying sorry, I just woke up. I can't do today. Which is clearly lies, besides, she could've arrange something else.

 

I call my friend and my friend says she's messing me about and taking me for an idiot. I break down crying, realising this. I was ready to send her a massive text saying how hurt I was that she'd clearly have sex with me but not talk to me in person, and that she clearly didn't respect me. But my friend told me it was a bad idea and to instead not reply at all.

 

So I didn't reply. And that's been it.

 

I feel there's no going back from how desperate I've been and all I can do is not ever contact her again, but I'm so depressed because now she already knows how desperate in love I am, clearly. I am also sad because it's clear my ex still feels something but just won't go near her feelings because she doesn't want the stress.

 

I hate it and feel like right now I can't concentrate on anything. Everyone is telling me to just hold my head up and accept that I tried and loved her and just to let her get on with it but even though I've realised how that's the right thing I'm still so caught up in her. I know I won't get any answers and I won't get her back, but at the same time I just want to so much even though she's actually really damaging to me as well.

 

Someone please give advice.

[BC1980]

This situation is obviously very volatile on both ends. What I see is a person (her) who knows she doesn't want a relationship with you but is having a hard time letting go. I think it's pretty obvious that she wants to stick to the breakup, but she got emotional when she talked to you on the phone, which made it seem like she was giving mixed signals. She knows what is best, but it's sometimes hard to follow through.

 

So I would recommend NC of course. Breakups are really emotional and messy, and staying in contact with an ex is a path towards disaster. You really need to distance yourself from her and vice versa.

[forumposted]

This situation is obviously very volatile on both ends. What I see is a person (her) who knows she doesn't want a relationship with you but is having a hard time letting go. I think it's pretty obvious that she wants to stick to the breakup, but she got emotional when she talked to you on the phone, which made it seem like she was giving mixed signals. She knows what is best, but it's sometimes hard to follow through.

 

So I would recommend NC of course. Breakups are really emotional and messy, and staying in contact with an ex is a path towards disaster. You really need to distance yourself from her and vice versa.

 

 

Thank you,

 

I know this, she has told me lots of times but always says the words "right now", like "We don't work right now" and it's so upsetting because it felt like one minute she was fine and the next didn't want me.

 

There was a time right before our breakup where we didn't speak for a couple or three weeks after an argument she told me that this is what made her realise she wanted a breakup as during that break she realised she could see life without me and wasn't necessarily happier but she didn't want the responsibility.

 

I think for me the hardest part is NC and it's why I keep going back on to her because I know her feelings go up when she starts talking to me but I know the second I actually let go completely she will as well and I'll eventually become irrelevant, and all her emotions will be fine.

 

This is what's so hard, because despite everything that's wrong, I do still want a relationship. She keeps telling me she will contact me in the future and we'll never be "not speaking" and we'll always be connected, but I think she just means friends for this, and it hurts.

 

It's horrible because I know it's the right decision, it's just knowing she still has a little bit of feelings left and it's like I know the minute we both spend a lot of time apart and the longer we go not speaking, the more she'll get over me and I'm scared she realises she is happier without me, and this is why it's so hard because right now she isn't and I want to keep it that way, which is me being ridiculous, I know.

 

I just can't keep hoping that things will change although everyone around me is convinced she'll come back eventually because they know her and she is a very impulsive person, but I can't live for that.

 

Honestly, this whole thing is so hard and nothing hurts more than knowing she no longer wants to be with me. I can't get over it.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I agree with BC1980.

The relationship seems unhealthy for both of you. There is some co-dependency in the mix.

It will be better for you to try to forget about her by doing NC. Post here often so coping is easier. It does help a lot!

 

I know emotionally you are in turmoil. I am also going through a break up. It is very hard. But it helps to focus on healing yourself and doing healthy things for yourself.

 

If you are depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed then perhaps it is time to go to see the doctor.

 

We will get through this!

[BC1980]

I know this, she has told me lots of times but always says the words "right now", like "We don't work right now" and it's so upsetting because it felt like one minute she was fine and the next didn't want me.

 

There was a time right before our breakup where we didn't speak for a couple or three weeks after an argument she told me that this is what made her realise she wanted a breakup as during that break she realised she could see life without me and wasn't necessarily happier but she didn't want the responsibility.

 

I think for me the hardest part is NC and it's why I keep going back on to her because I know her feelings go up when she starts talking to me but I know the second I actually let go completely she will as well and I'll eventually become irrelevant, and all her emotions will be fine.

 

If someone is wishy washy, that means they don't want a relationship with you. That is a hard but essential lesson to learn. All of the stuff she is saying like "maybe in the future," "we don't work right now" is code that she's not interested, but she doesn't want to completely burn bridges with you. Those are really common things to hear, but they mean nothing.