CantEversay Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 There's no guide book to life. No guide book to relationships or falling in love. Right now it feels as if I don't know what it's like to truly feel alone in the world (because I've gotten used to "having someone" for nearly 1/4 of my life, mid twenties). Even though I stopped having friends because I felt I didn't need them when I had someone else, who basically is my best friend. I have a twin brother who I also subconsciously disconnected from over the years and I feel bad for that. I was selfish and kind of abandoned him. Now I can feel we aren't really connected as much anymore. So I kind of fell in love head first without any knowledge at all. What I've seen a lot in threads is that people say your happiness can't come from someone else (your partner). It has to come from ourselves. I was wondering if you guys could help me understand that more. The thing is I've never felt happier than being with this person. I honestly seriously can't imagine what else could make me feel that happy. The best word for me to describe the feeling would be heavenly. It's just a beautiful feeling. It kind of makes it hard for me to understand how my own happiness could ever match something like that. To me, when you feel like your partner is 100% devoted to you, that's where the best feeling comes from. If I'm not supposed to become too attached to that person, I feel like that could restrict some of the feelings. Aren't we supposed to do anything for the person we love? Even die for them? That's how I feel. I just have a hard time understanding where you draw the line. It feels like when you love another being, you become one with that person, you both grow and learn off of each other to become something greater than who you were. So when you break up. It feels like your heart was ripped in half, because that being that you two spiritually built together did break in half. Please let me know where I'm wrong. Appreciate any advice.
basil67 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Ok, I wouldn't say that we should do anything for a partner. I have boundaries as to what I'm willing to do for a person. Would I do something unethical for him? No way. However, a good partner will not ask us to do anything which goes against who we are or what we believe. If they do push us too far, then we know they aren't the one. Die for them? I remember before I had children and I'd think of the Titanic going down. I couldn't begin to imagine leaving him to die on the ship alone - I'd like to think I would have stayed with him. But now that I have children, my mothering instinct would make me jump into the lifeboat with my kids. It's an awful thought, but the new instinct overtakes the old one and I could not let my children die or leave them without a parent. Of course, if my leg was trapped, he'd be taking care of the kids and leaving me to it. As far as being complete, yes, a great relationship can make our lives even better. Nobody would refute this. And yes, it feels like you're being torn apart if you were to lose them. But it's important to be whole before having the relationship. And it's important to continue being whole even when in a relationship. This means having our own friends and interests. A partner makes a good life better - but they shouldn't be our whole life. 1
Maldives Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I think that's why ur hurting so much and a lot of us do we become kinda dependant in the relationship. I think what is meant by that saying is that if u can come from a place where ur happy from the inside then the relationship and the qualities ull attract in a partner are gonna be a lot healthier. ie; not being wth people who have tons and I mean tons of baggage make sense? Wen ur coming from a place of happiness from within that shines thru and others pick up on it. It's not saying ur to sTay on ur own. I think the lesson here for u is not to be so dependant on another and let other relationships fade away because of a woman. Ull see it wasn't worth it. Plus it could of been one of the reasons she left
FailedFirstLove Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 My ex is currently trying to love himself and find his happiness. He has ALOT going on. His uncle has been in ICU for 2 months. His grandma had a stroke and they're going to take her off the machine soon... he told me he doesn't love himself anymore. My interpretation would be that you need to be able to be independent and happily do that on your own. You can't rely on someone to be there all the time because stuff happens and there's times when they need to do things for themselves without you. I was mostly about him and it's shaking my world without him there. But I'm realising that I can't be there for him if I can't even be there for myself. Cutting people out when you're in the relationship isn't good because you become dependant. Not intentionally but it happens.
carhill Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Appreciate any advice. IME, long down the road, most of it is social programming and biological reproduction hard-wiring. The stronger and more complete the indoctrination, the more likely to get swallowed up and spit out by the users of the world, of which there are plenty. What I learned to do was enjoy the moments, not attach any forever to them and maintain strong boundaries against the users of the world. It was hard to reconcile, due to social training, that users could be female but, heh, life teaches lessons. Good luck!
Author CantEversay Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Thanks, everyone. This is very helpful. I need to get my mind straight on this.
Altair0770 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Ok, I wouldn't say that we should do anything for a partner. I have boundaries as to what I'm willing to do for a person. Would I do something unethical for him? No way. However, a good partner will not ask us to do anything which goes against who we are or what we believe. If they do push us too far, then we know they aren't the one. Die for them? I remember before I had children and I'd think of the Titanic going down. I couldn't begin to imagine leaving him to die on the ship alone - I'd like to think I would have stayed with him. But now that I have children, my mothering instinct would make me jump into the lifeboat with my kids. It's an awful thought, but the new instinct overtakes the old one and I could not let my children die or leave them without a parent. Of course, if my leg was trapped, he'd be taking care of the kids and leaving me to it. As far as being complete, yes, a great relationship can make our lives even better. Nobody would refute this. And yes, it feels like you're being torn apart if you were to lose them. But it's important to be whole before having the relationship. And it's important to continue being whole even when in a relationship. This means having our own friends and interests. A partner makes a good life better - but they shouldn't be our whole life. This speaks VOLUMES to me. The sad thing is, for some of us we are whole. We know what we want in life. We know our flaws, our obstacles, and how we behave. We always have room to learn more about ourselves and grow. But being in a relationship with someone that is cracked and broken will turn into a completely different person once you fix them, and that has led many of us here. 2
kortz Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I've recently gone through a breakup and was asking all the same things as you were. I had a great relationship with my ex and she really was my best friend so when it ended the only thing that I could think of that would make me happy again was her. Fast forward nearly 10 weeks and a failed reconciliation attempt, for the first time in all those weeks I feel good. I'm not saying I'm 100% healed and over it, but I've reached a point of acceptance and I'm at peace with the situation. And during those 10 weeks I remembered the independent and happy guy that I was before my relationship and I can say that I'm definitely getting back to that. What I mean by that is, I'm very content being on my own and doing things I enjoy. I don't feel the need to be with anyone however I feel open to it if someone comes into my life. Someone else said when you have that inner happiness it resonates through and I can vouch for this. In the last week I've managed to arrange dates with two girls, one of whom I had the confidence to approach out of no where and it felt damn good! My advice to you is to take your time and be on your own for a while, 2-3 months, and learn to be independent and enjoy things on your own. It isn't easy at first but one day you'll realise you're enjoying something purely on your own and it will feel good, and when this starts happening you'll start noticing doors opening all around you and new people coming into your life. 1
Author CantEversay Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 I've recently gone through a breakup and was asking all the same things as you were. I had a great relationship with my ex and she really was my best friend so when it ended the only thing that I could think of that would make me happy again was her. Fast forward nearly 10 weeks and a failed reconciliation attempt, for the first time in all those weeks I feel good. I'm not saying I'm 100% healed and over it, but I've reached a point of acceptance and I'm at peace with the situation. And during those 10 weeks I remembered the independent and happy guy that I was before my relationship and I can say that I'm definitely getting back to that. What I mean by that is, I'm very content being on my own and doing things I enjoy. I don't feel the need to be with anyone however I feel open to it if someone comes into my life. Someone else said when you have that inner happiness it resonates through and I can vouch for this. In the last week I've managed to arrange dates with two girls, one of whom I had the confidence to approach out of no where and it felt damn good! My advice to you is to take your time and be on your own for a while, 2-3 months, and learn to be independent and enjoy things on your own. It isn't easy at first but one day you'll realise you're enjoying something purely on your own and it will feel good, and when this starts happening you'll start noticing doors opening all around you and new people coming into your life. Thanks a lot, man. This sounds like a nice, peaceful path. I just feel a little sad that in a way, I'm alright with things going this way. In the past it was seriously the last thing I could ever want. GL in the future, man .
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I think that there are many personality types in the world. I know people with your personality type and they can't be happy unless they are in a relationship. They get bored and don't know how to deal with being alone. I don't think it's something you can really learn to like. You are either that type or not. I can honestly say that I have been happier being single than in any relationship I have ever had. I enjoy my own company. People are drawn to what makes them happy. It's actually never about the other person, it's about our own needs. What usually happens is this: people with your personality type will meet someone new pretty quick. It's because you enjoy having someone around so much that your criteria for a new partner is pretty low. For you, almost any relationship will make you happier than being single does. It's easier to accept that and go with the flow of life than to force liking being single. People like me who are happy spending time by themselves take ages to find a partner. For me to be in a long term relationship, I would need to meet someone that makes me happier than being alone does. It's a pretty high bar to meet. There is no better or worse. We are all different - it's better to just stop trying to contort ourselves to be something we are not. 1
kortz Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Thanks a lot, man. This sounds like a nice, peaceful path. I just feel a little sad that in a way, I'm alright with things going this way. In the past it was seriously the last thing I could ever want. GL in the future, man . Yea it does feel quite peaceful and I'm definitely not someone who's into the whole ying yang karama stuff so its enlightening And yes it did feel sad at first for me too knowing I had to move on when part of you doesn't want to, but at the end of the day its the only option and when your mind gets behind that its like seeing everything in a new light again. GL to you too, you'll think back on this in a couple of months and see how far you've made it!
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