wonder17 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I am currently in the process of moving out my parents home for the first time. I am a female in my mid to late 20's. Recently, my parents have been somewhat supportive of me moving out, but make remarks occasionally of how it's not a bad thing to live at home till you are married. My sister lived at home till she was married, but she also got married soon after she graduated college. I know I need to make my own life decisions, but it is incredibly hard with the guilt that I carry. Even though i'm an adult, I cannot stay out till 2 am, or drive an hour away spontaneously to go to a friends birthday celebration at a bar. My parents are traditional immigrant parents who do not believe a young woman should go to bars etc. My sister and her husband (then boyfriend) were both students, and living at home at the time, so they both didnt feel the need to move. Where as my boyfriend is in his 30's and is very much independent and doesn't want to feel like he's in a relationship with a teenager. I'm not sure how I can convince them that this behavior is normal in their homeland, but not in America. I try to explain that there is a big difference when you're dating at the age of 20 verses close to 30. They also believe my boyfriend (Or any man for that matter) should understand and respect that a woman should live at home till marriage, and not go on trips alone and respect the morals and values that one has. But I feel this day in age, the only men who would understand this concept are those are very religious, and this type of person would not be compatible with me. In the next few months, my boyfriends apartment lease will end, and we plan on him moving in with me (which is a whole other issue with my parents beliefs.) I love my parents very much, and I've always been the type to want their approval and respect. Can someone give me some kind advice on how not to feel guilt when I move? Or how to explain to them how times have changed?
preraph Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Part of growing up is taking what you've learned from your parents and then making your own decisions about your own life. You are still quite young and may find it a struggle making enough money, but you can get two jobs. One thing I would just beg you to do is get on birth control and stay on it until you are much older. If you should get pregnant at this age, you would never know what it was like to have youth and freedom. This is the best years of your life, but only if you are unencumbered. I honestly would not recommend you move in with your boyfriend either because it is too easy to get dependent and get stuck when there is a whole big world out there to explore. I would suggest you make that one compromise and understand that your parents may have a point about that. We older folks are a bit more able to see around corners than a 20 year old is. Why not compromise by moving out into a sharing an apartment with one or two female friends rather than a boyfriend. If you move out from your parents straight in with a man, you are simply moving from the frying pan into the fire, because both situations will restrict your freedom to grow and develop. And most importantly, I think every young person needs to live on their own without being dependent on someone else before they ever get married because it gives them confidence that they can take care of themself, plus you learn much more about yourself when you are not being reflected off another person all the time. If you go out on your own for a couple of years, you will never feel you have to stay in a relationship out of fear of being able to support yourself and do for yourself. So I hope you take my advice to heart and don't just trade one dependency for another. I will say that at your age, this present boyfriend is not likely to be the man you should marry when you are 30 and more mature and really know yourself and know your direction in life. Good luck. 3
Maggie4 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 No. If you are moving out with the intention of cohabitating with your boyfriend, then I see where your guilty feelings are coming from. What is this? I know a lot of unmarried people live together. But if you want to do that, don't be complaining about your parents not letting you move out.
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Part of growing up is taking what you've learned from your parents and then making your own decisions about your own life. You are still quite young and may find it a struggle making enough money, but you can get two jobs. One thing I would just beg you to do is get on birth control and stay on it until you are much older. If you should get pregnant at this age, you would never know what it was like to have youth and freedom. This is the best years of your life, but only if you are unencumbered. I honestly would not recommend you move in with your boyfriend either because it is too easy to get dependent and get stuck when there is a whole big world out there to explore. I would suggest you make that one compromise and understand that your parents may have a point about that. We older folks are a bit more able to see around corners than a 20 year old is. Why not compromise by moving out into a sharing an apartment with one or two female friends rather than a boyfriend. If you move out from your parents straight in with a man, you are simply moving from the frying pan into the fire, because both situations will restrict your freedom to grow and develop. And most importantly, I think every young person needs to live on their own without being dependent on someone else before they ever get married because it gives them confidence that they can take care of themself, plus you learn much more about yourself when you are not being reflected off another person all the time. If you go out on your own for a couple of years, you will never feel you have to stay in a relationship out of fear of being able to support yourself and do for yourself. So I hope you take my advice to heart and don't just trade one dependency for another. I will say that at your age, this present boyfriend is not likely to be the man you should marry when you are 30 and more mature and really know yourself and know your direction in life. Good luck. Correct me if i'm wrong, but I get the feeling you think i'm younger than I actually am. I am actually much closer to 30 years old, than I am to being 20, and I have been on the pill for quite some time. The reason we want to live together is because we want to get married in the future, and want to see if we are compatible in living together before we decide to get engaged. 1
wtfmate Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Well, I was in a similar position as you, so I think I can safely say without being overly patronizing that your parents will just have to get over the decisions you make as an adult. Also, I'd like to point out that it's becoming common for young adults with non-immigrant parents to remain with them until they become financially stable (which is usually also in their mid- and late-20s), so this isn't necessarily a non-American thing. That said, I hope living together will work out for you and your boyfriend, although in case it doesn't I hope you'll have a backup plan. I somewhat agree with the other poster in that it'll be good for you to live on your own for a while instead of going from living with your parents straight to living with a husband. 1
FastHands Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Imho I think your parents are doing what their parents and their parent's parents did. They also probably take honor seriously and probably want your honor intact. Also would love their child to take the sad (to them) step out of the house married. I believe in today's world it can be still done this way (honor), but I think people want to get a feel of their partner- from tidiness to compatibility?... The other thing is being away from your parents (even if your older) takes away their ability to protect you as one can be blind in love too. You have to figure some compromise with parents and fiancé? because you'll always need the support and the place your parents have (your children will have grandparents in their beautiful lives). I think if the love is strong things can work. If I had a daughter I'd love for her to keep her honor and leave the home married because it's the best we want (fairytale like as well). Also realize someday you will probably go through what your parents are going through... Edited June 18, 2017 by FastHands
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Imho I think your parents are doing what their parents and their parent's parents did. They also probably take honor seriously and probably want your honor intact. Also would love their child to take the sad (to them) step out of the house married. I believe in today's world it can be still done this way (honor), but I think people want to get a feel of their partner- from tidiness to compatibility?... The other thing is being away from your parents (even if your older) takes away their ability to protect you as one can be blind in love too. You have to figure some compromise with parents and fiancé? because you'll always need the support and the place your parents have (your children will have grandparents in their beautiful lives). I think if the love is strong things can work. If I had a daughter I'd love for her to keep her honor and leave the home married because it's the best we want (fairytale like as well). Also realize someday you will probably go through what your parents are going through... I understand my parents want best for me, but to be honest i dont see myself being that over protecting parent to my child. I personally think it stunts a persons growth if the child has to go to parents for every decision they make. If the child believes themselves that they want to live at home till marriage, then they should. However, If the parents want that and not the child, that is not healthy imo. (When I say child, i mean an adult whos at least in their 20s)
jjgitties Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Ouch. OP. That's a really hard one to answer and figure out. People that aren't from you particular cultural background will have a really hard time understanding and being able to offer advice. I am not from your cultural background. The only thing I can add is, you need to decide how important your parents, your cultural heritage, your family's name and your parents reputation and name in front of other family are important to you. (It sounds like it is.) At the same token, the man who is in love with you, if you explain to him what is important to you -- if he is truly in love with you and respects you, he will understand and bend a little if he needs to, his own ideas, if he is from a completely different cultural background from you.
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Ouch. OP. That's a really hard one to answer and figure out. People that aren't from you particular cultural background will have a really hard time understanding and being able to offer advice. I am not from your cultural background. The only thing I can add is, you need to decide how important your parents, your cultural heritage, your family's name and your parents reputation and name in front of other family are important to you. (It sounds like it is.) At the same token, the man who is in love with you, if you explain to him what is important to you -- if he is truly in love with you and respects you, he will understand and bend a little if he needs to, his own ideas, if he is from a completely different cultural background from you. To be honest, I dont see how anyone from our cultural community would find out we would be living together. Family friends do not live in the same city, everyones spread apart in different counties in the state. Also, he has bent his ideas and tried to understand for a couple of years now, and he feels we are in limbo and something needs to change. We cant see eachother whenever we want etc. He wants things to progress before taking the next step. Edited June 18, 2017 by wonder17
jjgitties Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 To be honest, I dont see how anyone from our cultural community would find out we would be living together. Family friends do not live in the same city, everyones spread apart in different counties in the state. Also, he has bent his ideas and tried to understand for a couple of years now, and he feels we are in limbo and something needs to change. We cant see eachother whenever we want etc. He wants things to progress before taking the next step. So what does "progress" actually mean? Move out and live together on your own? Get married? Have sex? No one can help you on here. You know the answer to your own dilema. If there are no issues like you parents are sort of leaning towards you marrying within your own culture -- you are 30 years old. Just say you want to marry him to your parents and have a wedding and get it over with. If the issue is, you want to live with someone before you get married. Well, there isn't really much to that. Once you buy or move into your own place that you can truly call your own, you will change your habits and develop different standards than when you live with parents.
coolheadal Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 To be honest, I dont see how anyone from our cultural community would find out we would be living together. Family friends do not live in the same city, everyones spread apart in different counties in the state. Also, he has bent his ideas and tried to understand for a couple of years now, and he feels we are in limbo and something needs to change. We cant see eachother whenever we want etc. He wants things to progress before taking the next step. Your doing the right thing, you have to make your own decisions.. I know woman who has 4 grown adults living with her those are her kids. 34, 28, 26, 24 son with his 24 year old girl friend and their 3 kids (1 month old baby, 4 year old and 5 year old) I can't have no part of this, I don't see myself every day living with her in her house. I can't even be in a relationship like this. The other half of the house her 75 year old mom and 45 year old brother. Crazy! But most houses are like this today. Live with you BF and see how you two will be only you and him can tell. I am sure you ways and his ways will be different. My word of advise is, that if this is the guy you would get engage with and then marry try to make it work. Not easy at first but try..
jjgitties Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 That said, I hope living together will work out for you and your boyfriend, although in case it doesn't I hope you'll have a backup plan. I somewhat agree with the other poster in that it'll be good for you to live on your own for a while instead of going from living with your parents straight to living with a husband. I used to think that way. I have come to believe living together is a little over rated. I was a bachelor and lived alone before I met my ex-wife and we lived together. The way I lived as a bachelor and the habits I had were completely different from the ones I developed when I lived with my former wife. It was a night and day difference. The way I lived when I was alone means and meant nothing in the grand scheme of things when it came to the relatopnship and compatability.
jjgitties Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Your doing the right thing, you have to make your own decisions.. I know woman who has 4 grown adults living with her those are her kids. 34, 28, 26, 24 son with his 24 year old girl friend and their 3 kids (1 month old baby, 4 year old and 5 year old) I can't have no part of this, I don't see myself every day living with her in her house. I can't even be in a relationship like this. The other half of the house her 75 year old mom and 45 year old brother. Crazy! But most houses are like this today. Live with you BF and see how you two will be only you and him can tell. I am sure you ways and his ways will be different. My word of advise is, that if this is the guy you would get engage with and then marry try to make it work. Not easy at first but try.. The problem we have is some of us were influenced by various mass media remanents from the 70s and 80s where single characters lived alone in small places. It's possible it might have been true in the 70s and 80s -- but those were different times. Today with the cost of living and cost of housing and consumerism so prevalent, you would need to be a very high earning single person to be able to afford to live alone in a major metropolitan city. Its just not possible. A lot of single people chose to live with family because it practical. When I was single young person in my 20s in the early 90s, even back then when things were much cheaper, i couldn't afford to live alone. I lived with house mates --shared a house with best friends from college.
Maggie4 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I don't think the OP has trouble deciding whether or not to live with the boyfriend. She wants to. But it's as I originally posted, her parents are semi-supportive of her moving out, but they don't know her plan to live with the boyfriend because she hasn't told them, and she is thinking no one from her culture will find out because they don't live nearby. Am I right? Back in the days when everyone had landlines, I suppose in this case the boyfriend would be told to not answer the phone? This guy is expecting to move in after his lease is up. You have to face the music. Time to tell your parents the whole truth, or back out on your plan with the boyfriend. This is why you need help, right?
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Yes, the issue isnt that i cannot afford my own rent, its that i want to live with my boyfriend. Ideally, i would like to not tell my parents until we are engaged but I would be living 20 minutes away and im not sure how long i could maintain that secret. My parents are also the type to not drop by without calling or anything, so thats a plus. Theyve never went to my sisters without calling first. And yes, my family's friends live spread apart. We arent the type of community to live in the same neighborhood. (That was the case maybe 20 years ago, but that has changed) and none of my own friends are in that community as well. Edited June 18, 2017 by wonder17
act00 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 It's not going to be easy with the parents. I'm not in this position, so I can't really give solid advice on how to handle it, but I do agree that you should perhaps live on your own, with roommates or not, before taking the plunge to moving in with the boyfriend. Moving in with him will cause more drama with the parents, but I think it's more important for you to have your own independence. Going from the family home to the marital home (I know you're not planning marriage just yet, but cohabitation is close enough) isn't necessarily the best route. You can both choose short leases, and chances are, you'll be spending all kinds of time at his place and yours and then at some point decide you need to cut off one of the rent payments and shack up. It seems like maybe you need to tackle the issues a bit more slowly. Start by moving out, let the parents adjust to that, and then move in with your guy. This will also give you the opportunity to gain some personal independence and learn how to survive on your own. Once you're on your own, you'll have lots of opportunity to "live with" your man because I'm guessing you'll be at his place a LOT, or he'll be at yours, spending the night, etc., and that's the point where you'll be talking to each other about the fact that you're paying rent but always at his place, pretty much living there (or vice versa) and it's time to officially blend. My mother grew up in a similar household, where you lived at home until you got married. Home life wasn't good. This resulted in a few of the children getting married into a bad marriage just to get out of the house, then later struggling to extract themselves from this marriage with no real skills, and maybe kids as well. Of course at the time, they were in love and any red flags were invisible. One of them landed gold in the husband department and are still married. I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend is a bad choice, but IMO, going straight from your parent's home to your boyfriend's home is missing a step, plus your parent's old-fashioned values is going to add major stress to your relationship with him if you move in with him right away. Hopefully, if you do move in right away, they'll adjust quickly.
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 My mother grew up in a similar household, where you lived at home until you got married. Home life wasn't good. This resulted in a few of the children getting married into a bad marriage just to get out of the house... That is the worry here, you are determined and desperate to get out of the house as you cannot afford a rent on your own, so are clinging onto the bf to get you out of a bad situation. He is no doubt, desperate to get a woman into his bed every night and someone to clean and tidy up behind him and to reduce his rent... None of that is a good reason to live together. You need time on your own,0 doing what YOU want to do, living independently, and then you can decide if living together is what you really want to do. Has he ever mentioned marriage, because if not then you may find that 3-4 years down the line you may be no nearer getting married to him than you are today. Many men once they get a woman to live with them, see no point in getting married... Be careful.
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) That is the worry here, you are determined and desperate to get out of the house as you cannot afford a rent on your own, so are clinging onto the bf to get you out of a bad situation. He is no doubt, desperate to get a woman into his bed every night and someone to clean and tidy up behind him and to reduce his rent... None of that is a good reason to live together. You need time on your own,0 doing what YOU want to do, living independently, and then you can decide if living together is what you really want to do. Has he ever mentioned marriage, because if not then you may find that 3-4 years down the line you may be no nearer getting married to him than you are today. Many men once they get a woman to live with them, see no point in getting married... Be careful. Yes, he has mentioned marriage. He is in his 30's and he doesn't want to wait forever before living together and getting married, and doesnt want to wait till he's almost 40 to start having children. (Which I agree, not just his opinion) I will be living on my own for almost half a year before he moves in. He doesn't want to wait another year, because once we live together he doesnt plan on me living alone after that. That is a step towards marriage. I'm hoping once I move into my own place, his mind will be at more ease and will feel less frustrated about our current situation of me not having freedom for the last couple of years. Edited June 18, 2017 by wonder17
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Would your parents be happy forr you to get engaged and marry this man?
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Would your parents be happy forr you to get engaged and marry this man? Yes, they have invited him for dinners and holidays. If it was their choice i'd be getting married ASAP. I feel they want me to get married as soon as possible because i'm approaching 30. 1
preraph Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Correct me if i'm wrong, but I get the feeling you think i'm younger than I actually am. I am actually much closer to 30 years old, than I am to being 20, and I have been on the pill for quite some time. The reason we want to live together is because we want to get married in the future, and want to see if we are compatible in living together before we decide to get engaged. But you have never even lived on your own, and until you have, you are the person you are meant to be. Once you move out on your own for a year or two, that is when you realize your potential and when you start really seeing who you are without other influences and what you want to do with your life. So even though you're closer to 30, you are still 20 because you have never yet lived independently, and you need to do that for all the reasons I started above. You're trying to skip a step. First you get out from under your parents and stretch your wings. You're still a kid until you do that. And moving straight in with a man is just another dependency. You need to be independent first to gain some life skills and trust in yourself. Also, he's too old for you and if he weren't, you wouldn't be under pressure to move in with him. He'd be at a similar stage of development as you, but you are still not mature because you've always lived and been dependent on the parents. He's going to expect you to be something you're not and it's going to cause tension. You're about to cheat yourself out of the years of freedom you should be having now. Living with a man is very restricting and a lot less fun than dating one. Edited June 18, 2017 by preraph 1
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Also, he's too old for you and if he weren't, you wouldn't be under pressure to move in with him. He'd be at a similar stage of development as you, but you are still not mature because you've always lived and been dependent on the parents. He's going to expect you to be something you're not and it's going to cause tension. You're about to cheat yourself out of the years of freedom you should be having now. Living with a man is very restricting and a lot less fun than dating one. Hes only about 4 years older than myself, and almost every man my age is already on their own. I dont want to feel im with someone who lives at home and is a mamas boy. My issue is enough for one couple ha. I dont want to sound rude, but i dont want to wait another few years before settling down and then deciding to get married in my 30s, by then my clock is ticking. My parents are already angry as it is that im not going to get engaged any time soon. Edited June 18, 2017 by wonder17
preraph Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Hes only about 4 years older than myself, and almost every man my age is already on their own. I dont want to feel im with someone who lives at home and is a mamas boy. My issue is enough for one couple ha. I dont want to sound rude, but i dont want to wait another few years before settling down and then deciding to get married in my 30s, by then my clock is ticking. My parents are already angry as it is that im not going to get engaged any time soon. I'm sorry about the age thing. I did misread and thought you said he was almost 40. So he's not too old for you, but you are still going to be too immature for this big a step since you have not ever not been dependent on someone. SO now you're telling me HE has never lived independently either? Or did I misunderstand? Because both of you need to live on your own making your own way before you are ready to live together. This is going to be a mess. He'll expect you to take care of him like his mother. I hope I misunderstood that he is still living at home.
Author wonder17 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) SO now you're telling me HE has never lived independently either? Or did I misunderstand? Because both of you need to live on your own making your own way before you are ready to live together. This is going to be a mess. He'll expect you to take care of him like his mother. I hope I misunderstood that he is still living at home. Im not sure where this is coming from. Yes he lives on his own. He has his own apartment. I stated that every man my age is on their own basically, and i dont want to date SOMEONE ELSE who lives at home and is a mamas boy, just so they can relate to me. And the 40 thing is that he doesnt want to wait to have to have kids when hes close to 40. He will feel old.. he is in his early 30s Edited June 18, 2017 by wonder17
SwordofFlame Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 As a son of immigrant parents who moved out and got my own apartment at age 24 against my mother's wishes, they'll get over it. Just make sure you visit every now and then and call them at least once a week.
Recommended Posts