Privacy in Relationships

[NatoPMT]

Last night, my boyfriend and had a little wierdy situation. Unusually, my bf was being a little cold to me, I told him that whatever was bothering him it wasn’t worth being distant and he should talk to me. He said he was feeling a bit worried about a conversation we’d had which really shocked me, I really didn’t feel the conversation justified such concern – I started to worry that I couldn’t be as perfect as he might want me to be. He realised it was escalating and said ‘ok, I’m just going to say it….whats really bothering me is this…I know I shouldn’t have, but when you were in the shower I was feeling insecure so I looked at your phone and saw xxxxxx’. What he saw was totally innocent. He then asked if I was angry that he looked in my phone as he’d invaded my privacy. I wasn’t, and told him I had nothing to hide from him so it didn’t bother me, and that actually I was impressed that he’d admitted doing that, taking that risk to sort out an issue that was bothering him. And he’s not the sort of person to admit insecurity, he’s very strong emotionally and I felt that him admitting vunerability to me was a big step.

 

I thought about this and wondered why people are so protective of their privacy. I cant help thinking its because they have something to hide. If an SO was consistently checking up on their partner, there would be an issue, not with privacy but with trust and control. But if it’s a one off, or its something the person feels they have to do once in a blue moon to put their mind at rest, or as long as the SO doesn’t systematically rely on snooping for reassurance or information – then why do people get so offended by it? For me personally, I have no element of my life that I would want to hide from my SO, and I am not doing anything I shouldn’t be, so I have no problem him reading my texts every now & again. In my experience, ‘private’ people usually aren’t open and honest, they have something about themselves they are ashamed of or need to hide.

 

If my mother looked through my things, I would be angry and accuse her of invading my privacy. That’s because I don’t want her knowing what I do all the time, but my bf I have nothing to hide from.

 

What do you think? Would you have been angry if your SO read your texts?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by BigBelm

Would you have been angry if your SO read your texts?

 

No.. But I would start to wonder why that person doesn't trust me as much anymore and look and my past actions to see if I have giving her a reason to distrust me.

 

I consider my privacy my personal space.. everybody needs a certain personal space so that they can crawel back into their shell a little to recharge themselves emotionally.

If the personal space isn't there they get uncomfortable ..

[NatoPMT]

Hi Fly

 

Personal space is vital from friendships, family and relationships, I totally agree. If I felt my limit on personal space was being tested it would affect me a lot more than a privacy incident. So in that respect, I feel they are slightly different. Personal space is needed for the reasons you mention, but I dont think I need privacy the same way.

 

Obviously there are degrees of this - some people have very definitive views of the injustice of having their phone looked at without their knowledge - just by the principle, i am interested to see why they feel that way

 

 

BB

[Outcast]

I'm with you, BB. I might prefer that a partner not look at some correspondence I have with friends in case there is something in their letters that they want to keep confidential but otherwise I have nothing to hide and would not be offended.

 

Like Fly, I would try to find out what I was doing that caused my partner worry. However if my partner seemed to have a continuing problem with mistrust even when I'm not giving them any reason to worry, it would be another matter.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by BigBelm

In my experience, ‘private’ people usually aren’t open and honest, they have something about themselves they are ashamed of or need to hide.

 

I agree 100%. The people who get most worked up over invasion of privacy are the ones with the most to hide.

 

Originally posted by BigBelm

What do you think? Would you have been angry if your SO read your texts?

 

I wouldn't care. There are very few people I trust completely so it would be hypocritical of me to expect complete trust from others.

[NatoPMT]

oh good, i wasnt sure if i was missing something as it seems to be such a big deal to people

 

Like Fly, I would try to find out what I was doing that caused my partner worry

 

I have to admit, that comment struck home to me too, i didnt ask my bf that question last night, but certainly will over the weekend.

 

There are very few people I trust completely so it would be hypocritical of me to expect complete trust from others.

 

i thought that was interesting. i think a little bit of snopping under pressure or in times of insecurity, and not finding anything worrying could help build that trust, although its not ideal. I suppose the saying you dont know someone you see them when no-ones watching is true to an extent, but them whats a relationship without trust? I believe its also a case of being able to trust your own judgement of your who you choose as your SO too.

 

the big red flag would come if someone was open with email passwords and mobiles etc, and consequently their behaviour changed and they stopped allowing access to private information.

[Craig]

Originally posted by BigBelm

What do you think? Would you have been angry if your SO read your texts?

BigBelm, like you I have nothing to hide but I have had an extremely negative experience with a snooper. Having been in a relationship where my SO thoroughly examined EVERY aspect of my life including going through EVERY thing I owned I might have become angry--though I probably wouldn't show the anger.

 

I would take an "unauthorized" reading of my texts as an invasion of my privacy--an act of aggression towards me and the relationship. In a future relationship if my SO decides to snoop without my knowledge I would make it very clear that if she did it again she is history and that my "strong" reaction comes not from my desire to hide anything but from a bad past experience. I would also address her need to snoop and deal with or work on the challenges that might be present in the relationship right away instead of ignoring any insecurity or fear that motivates her to want to snoop.

 

If my SO wants to examine anything in my life she is free to do so, if she wants to examine anything that I consider private she is also free to do so (anytime she wants and without notice) but I want to be present when she does. The bad SO had a habit of snooping and deleting, altering or destroying things that she didn't like or felt insecure about and then denying that she did.

 

I believe in privacy in that we all have personal spaces that are our private domain. I don't believe in secrets which I define as things that we don't disclose to our SO's that might have a negative effect upon the relationship.

[Marshbear32]

It would depend on how often it happened. If it was a one time thing then no big deal but if it kept coming up and I explained the situation and they still wouldn't let it go then WE would have a problem. It has nothing to do with not hiding anything from your So if they can't take your word. It turns into mistrust and jealousy and these are relationship killers.

 

I wouldn't worry about it now but if it continues to happen and he keeps finding more and more things to mistrust you about then things will turn ugly.

[Outcast]

The bad SO had a habit of snooping and deleting, altering or destroying things that she didn't like or felt insecure about and then denying that she did.

 

Yikes!

[EnigmaXOXO]

What do you think? Would you have been angry if your SO read your texts?

 

Heck no.

 

He's got access to all my email accounts, voice messages, computer, vehicle, office, files, this forum…and I even send him to fetch something out of my purse or wallet for me on occasions. He could send a PI to tail my butt and I would laugh because the poor guy wasted his money.

 

I would not be miffed at all to discover he was keeping secret tabs on me. If he were feeling insecure for some reason, I would only hope he'd come to me so I'd know what had triggered those worries. And if an occasional "check up" helped to elevate any fears he might have…than all the better we are for it. I might only become upset if my partner was insanely paranoid and I was constantly being accused of doing something I knew I hadn't done.

 

Funny, I know…But I WANT to prove to my partner that I can be absolutely trusted without ever actually demanding that from him.

 

I don't require unconditional "trust" from my partner because, as Tanbark already pointed out, I don't like it being required (or demanded) from me as an unquestionable stipulation in a relationship. And I am not at all ashamed to admit that if something smells "fishy" with my partner's behavior, and I'm not getting satisfactory answers about what's going on, I am not above doing a little detective work myself. No double standards in this house. It's joint property…as is everything in it.

 

I think the whole "privacy" thing is subject to individual preference. For some people it's a major touch button. For me, it's not a big deal because I'm confident I have nothing to hide from my partner…or maybe it's because I grew up in a busy household where there was no privacy and therefore I never came to expect it.

 

Privacy regarding strangers is a whole other matter because if you don't know the person, you don't know their motives. And there are just too many whackos out there! But with your partner…the less you hide, the less you have to worry about.

[NatoPMT]

Craig - thats more stalking than a one off snooping offence. That must have been awful. I can imagine if that happened to me i would be doubting my own sanity, my memory is so bad i would think i was going bonkers if things started to disappear from email etc.

 

Thats the exact case for an innocent person not wanting someone to snoop, but thats the extreme case and your bad experience may cause your future SO's to feel insecure. If snooping gets to that proportion, its not the privacy issue, as i said in my first post...

 

there would be an issue, not with privacy but with trust and control.

 

She was manipulating and controlling you through her excessive and obsessional snooping. Under no circumstances could that ever be healthy. When i say that could cause your future SO's some insecurity, if they know that everything you own is out of bounds on pain of death of the relationship, that would make me personally feel insecure i think. I dont snoop, but i could if i wanted to....which in a way gives me the security that i dont need to. If everything my bf owned was under 'lock and key', and he told me categorically i would be out the door without time to put my coat on if i was caught in the cookie jar, i think i would either be scared of such regimentality, or desperate to see what was so special it had to be locked up. It would also suggest to me that you havent gotten over the experience, theres a point where i can understand you dont ever get yourself in a bad situ again, but i wouldnt take it too far - your ex is gone and past. What if you finish a relationship with a wonderful girl because of it? If i was you, id have finished my relationship last night, and my bf is wonderful - id have made a terrible error and ended a happy future because i have rigid rules that are never to be broken.

 

Marshbear - i agree, if it happened to a Craig's ex stylee extent i would flee the building screaming, but its a one off, and if its what my bf needs occassionally to reassure himself then i am fine with it. But i take your point. My bf is a very level-headed person who trusts me, he just had a wobble last night.

[NatoPMT]

Enigma - agree with every word. Except i wouldnt laugh at the waste of money id want to know why he didnt buy chocolate with it instead.

[EnigmaXOXO]

 

I'd have to give the poor PI a consolation hug because the poor guy/gal would be bored to death!

[NatoPMT]

Craig - just seen your other thread which explains your views - glad you are getting support & best of luck mate

[Mr.positive]

It's not cool to read other peoples stuff.

[NatoPMT]

It's not cool to read other peoples stuff.

 

apologies - in future i will refrain from reading any other threads other than my own.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Mr positive is a troll .. Pay him no never mind

[NatoPMT]

actually, in retrospect i think he might have meant about my bf reading my texts, not me reading craigs thread.

 

thanks anyway Fly

[NYCmitch25]

Originally posted by BigBelm

Last night, my boyfriend and had a little wierdy situation. Unusually, my bf was being a little cold to me, I told him that whatever was bothering him it wasn’t worth being distant and he should talk to me. He said he was feeling a bit worried about a conversation we’d had which really shocked me, I really didn’t feel the conversation justified such concern – I started to worry that I couldn’t be as perfect as he might want me to be. He realised it was escalating and said ‘ok, I’m just going to say it….whats really bothering me is this…I know I shouldn’t have, but when you were in the shower I was feeling insecure so I looked at your phone and saw xxxxxx’. What he saw was totally innocent. He then asked if I was angry that he looked in my phone as he’d invaded my privacy. I wasn’t, and told him I had nothing to hide from him so it didn’t bother me, and that actually I was impressed that he’d admitted doing that, taking that risk to sort out an issue that was bothering him. And he’s not the sort of person to admit insecurity, he’s very strong emotionally and I felt that him admitting vunerability to me was a big step.

 

I thought about this and wondered why people are so protective of their privacy. I cant help thinking its because they have something to hide. If an SO was consistently checking up on their partner, there would be an issue, not with privacy but with trust and control. But if it’s a one off, or its something the person feels they have to do once in a blue moon to put their mind at rest, or as long as the SO doesn’t systematically rely on snooping for reassurance or information – then why do people get so offended by it? For me personally, I have no element of my life that I would want to hide from my SO, and I am not doing anything I shouldn’t be, so I have no problem him reading my texts every now & again. In my experience, ‘private’ people usually aren’t open and honest, they have something about themselves they are ashamed of or need to hide.

 

 

I don't agree that everything has to be "out in the open" for your partner to mull over and judge in order to have healthy relationship. To the contrary, relationships that offen don't have *some* privacy in it, are most likely very unhealthy due to an overly invasive partner. One should always foster some indiviudality because it's a necessary part of life -- however I will admit that significant privacy to the point of lying could be a sign of wrong doing.

 

In short, if one isn't given the freedom of a little privacy in their life, they are either : convicted criminals serving life sentances or else being clearly subjected to a violation of their trust and their own identity! I guess I could expand on all these ideas but I think you get the point...

 

ps, it is a good question by FLY " why your bf is beginning to be concerned?". Perhaps it's a temporary thing or he has deep insecurities and builds up an emotional wall to protect himself from it? Maybe the wall had cracked which shows he is beginning ot have a deeper level of trust in you?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

There's some very good advice here from a columnist for the Chicago Tribune: http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-0508070415aug07,1,376991.column?coll=chi-entertainment-front

[Just Visiting]

I am currently have this dilemma with my bf at the moment. About three months ago, I accused my bf of looking up single women on the internet and made up the excuse that I needed to get my resume off his computer. In reality I was snooping on his computer to look for any "dirt". I acknowledge my trust issues as I have been lied and cheated on many times before my current relationship. And I have worried in the back of my mind that it will happen again. So I have been hypersensitive on any sign of activity. When I realized I made a false accusation after going through his stuff, I never felt soooo low and ashamed. I still cringe whenever I think of what I have done.

 

Anywho, this past weekend, my bf and I were not getting along and I stayed behind on a planned camping trip. My bf has been acting pretty moody lately and I didn't want to be around him. While they were gone, I was putting his papers away and came across a pharmacy receipt of sleeping pills that he had an addiction with for years. Earlier this year, he confessed his pill addiction and promised to get and stay clean. When I saw the receipt, I got scared and angry. I felt betrayed. I couldn't help but wonder if that was the reason for his behaviour. But I knew that I couldn't ignore my findings and decided to ask when he got home.

 

When he came home, I approached him on what I have found. Now he thinks I snooped in his stuff again when that was not the case in this instance. I told him that I was not going through his stuff and that I came across the receipt by accident. I did say that I made the mistake once and have felt very badly about it. But I wasn't out looking for anything. I don't think he believes me. When I asked if he was taking pills again, he said that he did buy them and when he got them, he realized that he would be giving his life over again to the addiction. He ended up throwing them out. When I asked why he didn't tell me about it, he said that he thought it wasn't important. So why do I feel guilty?

 

He is starting to question the level of trust in our relationship, and I am wondering what I can do to get things back on track. Should I tell him why I have had trust and insecurity issues? And that I made the mistake with him once and I haven't intended of doing it again? I also question why he feels so invaded like he does have something to hide. Can it be from previous relationships as well?