greymatter Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Practicing a religion is a big turn off for what really matters in life and that is getting to know the God who created you as a personal friend, has nothing to do with the institution of religion. I noticed you wrote that you're artistic. It was God who created you to be that way. The Bible says He knew YOU, Jk1990, when you were in your mother's womb. He took great care to make you who you are! Many believe, I being one of them, that inside of each person is a God-shaped void. That we were created to have a personal relationship with Him and that addictions and emptiness, etc., are the result of not giving Him that place in our lives. Like you, I was a young woman who tried to be good and finally figured out that religion was for some people, like for instance, my grandmother! Lol! What a relief it was to discover that Jesus Christ was not only available to me as a person to have a rich relationship with but that He was actually seeking me out. I, too, had no passion in my life. But, when I became involved with Him everything changed! Life became filled with passion and purpose! You can find out if He's reaching out to you personally by doing something very simple. Just ask Him in your mind to reach out to you and let you know He's there. You don't have to answer back to me if you don't want to. It's totally between you and Him. But, if you ask Him that one simple request I believe it will change your life. I don't know how He'll reach out to you, but He will if you sincerely ask Him to. That is what your heart is longing for. That is what will bring passion into your life in worthwhile and wonderful ways you've never even considered! I'm pretty sure she just wanted some exciting sex. 2
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Practicing a religion is a big turn off for what really matters in life and that is getting to know the God who created you as a personal friend, has nothing to do with the institution of religion. I noticed you wrote that you're artistic. It was God who created you to be that way. The Bible says He knew YOU, Jk1990, when you were in your mother's womb. He took great care to make you who you are! Many believe, I being one of them, that inside of each person is a God-shaped void. That we were created to have a personal relationship with Him and that addictions and emptiness, etc., are the result of not giving Him that place in our lives. Like you, I was a young woman who tried to be good and finally figured out that religion was for some people, like for instance, my grandmother! Lol! What a relief it was to discover that Jesus Christ was not only available to me as a person to have a rich relationship with but that He was actually seeking me out. I, too, had no passion in my life. But, when I became involved with Him everything changed! Life became filled with passion and purpose! You can find out if He's reaching out to you personally by doing something very simple. Just ask Him in your mind to reach out to you and let you know He's there. You don't have to answer back to me if you don't want to. It's totally between you and Him. But, if you ask Him that one simple request I believe it will change your life. I don't know how He'll reach out to you, but He will if you sincerely ask Him to. That is what your heart is longing for. That is what will bring passion into your life in worthwhile and wonderful ways you've never even considered! Thank you for taking the time to say all of that. I don't know that I'll be looking to God to solve my problems but I know for many it helps.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Thank you for taking the time to say all of that. I don't know that I'll be looking to God to solve my problems but I know for many it helps. :):):):):)
Imajerk17 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Like I said. Thank you for your advice. I'll take everything into consideration. My intent is not to berate you. I still don't think you understand how serious the situation is, and how close you are (still) to slipping into a physical affair. It sounds from your planned course of action that you are taking only half-hearted measures that just won't do. How would your boyfriend feel if he were to hear about all this, and your plan to try to resolve it. This is his business too you know. Edited June 18, 2017 by Imajerk17
OnlyHonesty Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 What you seem to be missing is that the co worker incident is a symptom of a deeper dysfunction in your relationship. You think that by putting a stop to the sexual texts and everything else, and not telling your bf, that it will solve it? The problem is still there, undisclosed, and unresolved and it will happen again in time. You say that you love your bf and want to spend your life with him, but I pay no attention to what people say, I only judge their intentions from how they act. How you acted does not match up with what you said, so either you are being dishonest with yourself, are romanticizing some kind of fantasy, or you don't really feel the same about your bf as you did 2 years ago and are afraid to admit it to yourself. You love him, but you act in a way that strongly suggests that you do not..
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 My intent is not to berate you. I still don't think you understand how serious the situation is, and how close you are (still) to slipping into a physical affair. It sounds from your planned course of action that you are taking only half-hearted measures that just won't do. How would your boyfriend feel if he were to hear about all this, and your plan to try to resolve it. This is his business too you know. I don't think you're trying to berate me either. I do feel a bit harshly judged but I asked for it and it's the internet so I take everything with a grain of salt anyway. I'm planning on taking actions that I feel will cause the least amount of conflict in my life. As I said, I have to work with this person. Unless I literally quite my job right now. If I put an end to the tryst, I'm confident I can avoid it happening again. I may have admitted weakness before but I am not THAT incapable of controlling my actions. I really don't WANT this situation to progress anymore. I've done a lot of thinking about it today. So I plan on doing what I can to prevent a physical affair. Well, he wouldn't be happy to hear about it, I know. He would be angry and would want me away from my coworker. I understand that. But unless I quit my job and find a new one, that's not going to happen immediately. So I have to figure out how to deal with my situation as it currently is.
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 What you seem to be missing is that the co worker incident is a symptom of a deeper dysfunction in your relationship. You think that by putting a stop to the sexual texts and everything else, and not telling your bf, that it will solve it? The problem is still there, undisclosed, and unresolved and it will happen again in time. You say that you love your bf and want to spend your life with him, but I pay no attention to what people say, I only judge their intentions from how they act. How you acted does not match up with what you said, so either you are being dishonest with yourself, are romanticizing some kind of fantasy, or you don't really feel the same about your bf as you did 2 years ago and are afraid to admit it to yourself. You love him, but you act in a way that strongly suggests that you do not.. Truthfully, I know what's wrong in my relationship. It's our intimacy. Before yesterday I couldn't tell you how long is was since we last had sex. I think either me or both of us are not feeling as into each other physically as we used to. The cause for that is varied. Lack of time. We're too tired. I'm too scared to just jump him and go at it, and vice versa. Or if he wants it he doesn't say anything or make any moves. I'm thoroughly aware of what our issues are. And I did speak up and tell him that it's a problem. Ironically, I did this amidst the coworker situation. The coworker thing has been clouding my mind, frustrating me, making me question everything, and making me realize that I'm sad and lacking in my relationship. Because of the state of our sex life. I do love him. I love him because of the person he is, the way he treats me, and how happy he makes me. I do question the longevity of things if we can't work on our intimacy. I know it's a problem that this emotional affair even happened in the first place. It's all coming to a head at one time. It's difficult to keep it to myself, and I'm thinking of telling him everything that's happened. But I'm positively terrified of hurting him.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Haven't read all of the responses but here are my two comments: 1. If your sex life is already worrisome, it's not going to get better without solving the problem NOW and that will involve a lot of communication about it. I have a friend who is divorcing after a multi-year two-kid marriage and she was you many moons ago....and it only got worse because it was never discussed/nipped in the bud . 2. If you can fix #1, quit your job. Find a new one. 1
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Haven't read all of the responses but here are my two comments: 1. If your sex life is already worrisome, it's not going to get better without solving the problem NOW and that will involve a lot of communication about it. I have a friend who is divorcing after a multi-year two-kid marriage and she was you many moons ago....and it only got worse because it was never discussed/nipped in the bud . 2. If you can fix #1, quit your job. Find a new one. I already had a 7 year relationship fail because of issues surrounding intimacy. You would think I would have learned... apparently not. But I am willing to work on it this time around. I don't want another failed relationship. As I said to someone else that suggested that, that is not an easy or immediate solution. I also like my job. I plan on having a brutally honest conversation with my coworker, telling him this needs to stop immediately. If he doesn't respect my wishes than I will consider finding work elsewhere. 1
Imajerk17 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) You do need to talk to your boyfriend about everything and how unhappy you are w the physical aspect of your relationship, including the temptation you are feeling, because right now you are living a lie. I get the sense that you are quite conflict-avoidant, and this does not serve you here. If you plan on staying w your boyfriend for a very long time, your problems w intimacy won't get better unless you do something. And there will be many charming rogues who will try to tempt you in the meanwhile. And what @CautiouslyOptimistic said--you really do need to be actively looking for a new job. You just can't stay where you are. You are right now expecting your coworker to suddenly respect your relationship after one talking-to on your part. It's not going to happen. Truthfully, I know what's wrong in my relationship. It's our intimacy. Before yesterday I couldn't tell you how long is was since we last had sex. I think either me or both of us are not feeling as into each other physically as we used to. The cause for that is varied. Lack of time. We're too tired. I'm too scared to just jump him and go at it, and vice versa. Or if he wants it he doesn't say anything or make any moves. I'm thoroughly aware of what our issues are. And I did speak up and tell him that it's a problem. Ironically, I did this amidst the coworker situation. The coworker thing has been clouding my mind, frustrating me, making me question everything, and making me realize that I'm sad and lacking in my relationship. Because of the state of our sex life. I do love him. I love him because of the person he is, the way he treats me, and how happy he makes me. I do question the longevity of things if we can't work on our intimacy. I know it's a problem that this emotional affair even happened in the first place. It's all coming to a head at one time. It's difficult to keep it to myself, and I'm thinking of telling him everything that's happened. But I'm positively terrified of hurting him. Edited June 18, 2017 by Imajerk17
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) You do need to talk to your boyfriend about everything and how unhappy you are w the physical aspect of your relationship, including the temptation you are feeling, because right now you are living a lie. I get the sense that you are quite conflict-avoidant, and this does not serve you here. If you plan on staying w your boyfriend for a very long time, your problems w intimacy won't get better unless you do something. And there will be many charming rogues who will try to tempt you in the meanwhile. And what @CautiouslyOptimistic said--you really do need to be actively looking for a new job. You just can't stay where you are. You are right now expecting your coworker to suddenly respect your relationship after one talking-to on your part. It's not going to happen. Yes, I have already started talking to him about our issues. We're both starting to try. It's just going to require more talks and more effort on both our parts. I am still cautious about telling my bf about the coworker situation but I'm considering it. I am definitely not a fan of conflict. I don't like creating animosity with anyone. Which is why handling this situation is so tricky for me. It's not that simple. The new job thing is really dependent on whether my coworker is able to respect my wishes. I'm done with this situation. If he can be done too than I'll be fine staying where I'm at. If he continues to pursue me than that would warrant me finding a new job. Edited June 18, 2017 by Jk1990 1
greymatter Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I must say that I don't think that finding a new job is the only answer. The answer lies within you (and is vitally dependent upon you and your partner addressing the issues between you ASAP). I say that because there will potentially be tempting male colleagues at any new job you land in, assuming you wouldn't land in an all-female environment. Yes, you need to set immediate boundaries with the coworker you are engaging in the affair with and end it. You don't need to have a huge conversation with him. "It's over" is all you need to say and then you must follow through. Following that you must be really firm and only discuss work, and nothing else. At the same time, you figure out how to address the issues between you and your partner. When your relationship is strong, you could be surrounded by the most flirtatious, attractive men in the world and you wouldn't be tempted. You love your partner and say that he makes you happy. So work on things. Edited to say I just saw your post above about the coworker respecting things, which I didn't read before writing this. I hear you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 If you really want to stay with your guy, ditch the bad boy completely, and focus on improving your sex life. If you don't put your focus here, you'll continue to be sexually frustrated and unfulfilled, making it very easy for other sexy bad boys to entice you. In my experience, sexual connection is what it is. You can make slight improvements, but I think revolutionizing your natural dynamic is very rare. I say this not to discourage you, but to encourage you to keep your expectations realistic. Love means accepting your partner with the good and bad. If you can't accept what he's offering, move on. Don't stay in this limbo and disrespect him like this. 1
Author Jk1990 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 I must say that I don't think that finding a new job is the only answer. The answer lies within you (and is vitally dependent upon you and your partner addressing the issues between you ASAP). I say that because there will potentially be tempting male colleagues at any new job you land in, assuming you wouldn't land in an all-female environment. Yes, you need to set immediate boundaries with the coworker you are engaging in the affair with and end it. You don't need to have a huge conversation with him. "It's over" is all you need to say and then you must follow through. Following that you must be really firm and only discuss work, and nothing else. At the same time, you figure out how to address the issues between you and your partner. When your relationship is strong, you could be surrounded by the most flirtatious, attractive men in the world and you wouldn't be tempted. You love your partner and say that he makes you happy. So work on things. Edited to say I just saw your post above about the coworker respecting things, which I didn't read before writing this. I hear you. I agree with all that you've said. I know that if we're able to have the active, fullfilling sex life I'm desiring, that I won't look for attention from others. I won't have to. I definitely plan to work on it because he is definitely worth it. I need to work on myself too. I shouldn't need compliments from others to feel wanted or good, no matter how flattering they are. I hope he can respect my wishes. But he is a super flirtatious person by nature and he's highly attracted to me and if he can't respect my boundaries that may make things really hard for me working there. I guess we'll see.
greymatter Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I agree with all that you've said. I know that if we're able to have the active, fullfilling sex life I'm desiring, that I won't look for attention from others. I won't have to. I definitely plan to work on it because he is definitely worth it. I need to work on myself too. I shouldn't need compliments from others to feel wanted or good, no matter how flattering they are. I hope he can respect my wishes. But he is a super flirtatious person by nature and he's highly attracted to me and if he can't respect my boundaries that may make things really hard for me working there. I guess we'll see. Be cold to any unwanted behavior. It's work, you are both there to work. Ignore anything unrelated to work. It's completely within your power to do that. Just repeat yourself if necessary. Say it's over and that you will only focus on work. He has to respect that. Most men would soon turn their attention elsewhere. Be okay with that.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 What you seem to be missing is that the co worker incident is a symptom of a deeper dysfunction in your relationship. You think that by putting a stop to the sexual texts and everything else, and not telling your bf, that it will solve it? The problem is still there, undisclosed, and unresolved and it will happen again in time. You say that you love your bf and want to spend your life with him, but I pay no attention to what people say, I only judge their intentions from how they act. How you acted does not match up with what you said, so either you are being dishonest with yourself, are romanticizing some kind of fantasy, or you don't really feel the same about your bf as you did 2 years ago and are afraid to admit it to yourself. You love him, but you act in a way that strongly suggests that you do not.. I was coming to say the same thing. Yes, of course, putting a stop to the emotional affair is essential. But OP, it also won't resolve the bigger problems in your relationship. It won't resolve the problems with intimacy and communication, and this will more than likely happen again if you don't get to the bottom of what's going on in your relationship. Otherwise, what will stop you from seeking attention from the next good-looking coworker? There are bigger issues between you and your boyfriend and your affair is symptomatic of them.
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I'm approaching my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. ...and you are already cheating on him. He is NOT the man for you and you know it, but you are holding on as he is sooo good to you and he is a nice bloke, but at 2 years you should still be besotted and want to rip the shirt from his back, not flirting and carrying on with the local work Lothario... Dating is about finding compatible people, you obviously like sex and your bf does not make the grade. Own it, let him go and start looking for a better guy. People rarely change, so it is always best to find someone who IS what you want and need than spend years trying to achieve the impossible. Sex is a fundamental part of your relationship, so if after 2 years you are hunting out other options then it doesn't bode well for the future. YOUr bf is NOT ever going to turn into Don Juan is he? Before you know it you will be on here telling us all about your sexless marriage... Also understand that the MM is not your friend, it didn't all happen "naturally". He was a guy frustrated at home or on the look out for "extra". He was looking for a "victim" and you unhappy with your bf were in a vulnerable position so you were perfect material for him to seduce. He bided his time, in effect he "groomed" you, now he tells you what you want to hear and one day you will give in. He has a wife at home, he can afford to wait, to play the long game. YOU may persuade him to tone it down for a while, but all it needs is for you to have a huge row with your bf or for things to not improve at home and you are back under his spell. That is why you need to change jobs.
umirano Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I noticed you wrote that you're artistic. It was God who created you to be that way. The Bible says He knew YOU, Jk1990, when you were in your mother's womb. He took great care to make you who you are! [more unfounded religious claims] You have no evidence or facts to support that or the rest of the post. I wonder how helpful it is for people to be evangelized when they're coming to look for advice in a difficult personal situation. 1
Bastile Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Oh, he's not a good person. I left out the detail of him being in a long term relationship with kids... yeah. I'm not a good person either. I know. I don't want to cast stones in glass houses. I absolutely love the attention. I always have. It feels good to be wanted by someone else. It's definitely not going anywhere. All it would be is a physical fling that I would instantly regret after it happens. Here's the thing with being an "attention seeker". It's like trying to fill a void that you literally never will. Being in a relationship with someone like this is a constant pain and headache. You'll use any problems in the relationship as an excuse to start messing around with other guys. Which is partly his responsibility for not having better standards for himself. He allowed you fully into his life, and now you are doing your thing. Ultimately you need to sort out your own issues. Not sure how you do that, because It's not something that I've been through (perhaps someone else can help on that?). But I think the priority lies with you, rather than your boyfriend or this other guy. Or men in general for that matter.
umirano Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 To Jk1990: I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to offer a few words of encouragement. The posts I've read from you show that you're aware of and willing to address the situation. You freely admit to your own shortcomings, that's a lot more than most people are willing to do. You deal impressively well with the harsher posts and I admire your calm in this regard. Keep in mind that many posters here are from the other side and thus can have a very personal reaction to a story like yours. As to your situation specifically I don't have much to say. You said in your opening post that you want him, but you also said you won't leave your boyfriend. You know this is a conflict of positions that can only end in a train wreck, unless you back down on one of the positions (and mean it). I've been in a similar situation and I ended up breaking up with my then partner to be with the new interest. Similarly to you I wasn't satisfied sexually (and also intellectually) and I haven't regretted the change, although I felt sorry for my ex, who was devastated. In the long run the relationship would not have been good though, and that's something you should consider. If your partner doesn't give you what you want in the bedroom it will come up again and again and it may be a cloud over the relationship for as long as it lasts. We all know what the right thing to do is, but it's incredibly hard to do, despite it being so obvious. Most people justifiably get angry at a story like yours, but at the same time many don't understand how hard it can be to do the right thing. Again, it's great that you're honest with yourself and the forum. It should lead you the right way.
umirano Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I plan on having a brutally honest conversation with my coworker, telling him this needs to stop immediately. If he doesn't respect my wishes than I will consider finding work elsewhere. If that's the road that you're planning to go down you don't need to have a conversation with him. You need to tell him one sentence only I'm in a relationship and I ask you to stop contacting me. and then the rest is on you. Stop replying, block him if possible. Avoid contact at all costs. Obv no car sharing, no lunches, no office banter, no small talk at work functions. No contact. 1
Bastile Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 If that's the road that you're planning to go down you don't need to have a conversation with him. You need to tell him one sentence only and then the rest is on you. Stop replying, block him if possible. Avoid contact at all costs. Obv no car sharing, no lunches, no office banter, no small talk at work functions. No contact. There's a folly in having to tell someone such basic conduct which comes from not addressing the underlying issue of insecurity.
central Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 You're deluding yourself, OP. You just think you love your boyfriend. Bottom line, you and your bf are sexually and intimately incompatible. He can't change who he is. While you love other things about him, it isn't enough to satisfy you when it comes to intimacy and sex, so either the relationship will fail, or you will cheat and destroy it. End your dysfunctional relationship, and seek someone who is a better match - there may be some other tradeoffs, but do not settle for someone who does not satisfy your need for connection and good sex.
Recommended Posts