Jamie_1 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I've been texting (incessantly) an incredibly sweet and endearing girl over the past few days, which raises a few issues. We haven't met yet and over the course of a few days texting we've done everything but pronounce our love for each other; conversations have been explicitly sexual and heartfelt. I do care for her, but this is all incredibly fast for what is a few days of texting. I would normally tell her to slow down, but she's been calling me the one and the nicest guy she's met online. Again I care for her, but she is very emotionally unstable and suffers from a personality disorder affecting her mood. How do I slow her down without really upsetting her? I'm also worried that despite the initial flames of romance, that they're might not be much of an overlap between our interests. Which brings me to another problem, that I might be asking too much to meet someone who is sweet, cute, honest and intellectually stimulating. What should I do?
preraph Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I'm always suspicious of online "women" who start getting sexy with strangers. But let's give her the benefit of the doubt and set a date to meet and get it over with. Find out who she really is and she finds out who you really are. 3
Author Jamie_1 Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 I'm always suspicious of online "women" who start getting sexy with strangers. But let's give her the benefit of the doubt and set a date to meet and get it over with. Find out who she really is and she finds out who you really are. We've set a date, but it's still like three weeks out. Edit: I'm not experienced at OLD at all, so this is sincere, but what does it generally indicate when women get sexy with strangers? That they're emotionally unstable, desperate, likely to chase other guys?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 We've set a date, but it's still like three weeks out. Edit: I'm not experienced at OLD at all, so this is sincere, but what does it generally indicate when women get sexy with strangers? That they're emotionally unstable, desperate, likely to chase other guys? I've had two women during my dating days that sent me explicit pictures of themselves. Lot's of some sexting involved as well. Not a lot. Neither of them turned out to be unstable persons. That was some time ago, so who knows how they are now. I ended up dating them both, so know at the time, they seemed very normal, if not yearning for a loving relationship like most of us. What I don't get is how do you get off claiming that SHE has issues, but YOU have already fallen for a woman you've only texted and never met? SHE'S emotionally unstable and suffers from a disorder??? You diagnosed this from her texts or did she come out and tell a total stranger this? From what you've shared, it sounds like neither of you are on terra firma right now. 3-weeks out? Why so long for a date? 2
Author Jamie_1 Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 I've had two women during my dating days that sent me explicit pictures of themselves. Lot's of some sexting involved as well. Not a lot. Neither of them turned out to be unstable persons. That was some time ago, so who knows how they are now. I ended up dating them both, so know at the time, they seemed very normal, if not yearning for a loving relationship like most of us. What I don't get is how do you get off claiming that SHE has issues, but YOU have already fallen for a woman you've only texted and never met? SHE'S emotionally unstable and suffers from a disorder??? You diagnosed this from her texts or did she come out and tell a total stranger this? From what you've shared, it sounds like neither of you are on terra firma right now. 3-weeks out? Why so long for a date? She told me explicitly that she has issues, she has been incredibly open about everything, including her mood swing and a lot of personal life history. I'm not denying it I've probably been irresponsible and got caught in the emotion of it all, but it's starting to clear and now i'm left wondering if this might represent something to look out for.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 She told me explicitly that she has issues, she has been incredibly open about everything, including her mood swing and a lot of personal life history. I'm not denying it I've probably been irresponsible and got caught in the emotion of it all, but it's starting to clear and now i'm left wondering if this might represent something to look out for. I think you've hit the nail on the head. It can be easy to feel like you connect with someone in the early stages of electronic communication, which you will learn as you do more OLD. It's not really true connection, though, which is why some refuse to engage in my electronic communication and insist on meeting face to face pretty quick to see if there's an actual connection. Electronic communication or not, you have to ask yourself if you want to become involved with someone who has so many self-proclaimed issues.
preraph Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 We've set a date, but it's still like three weeks out. Edit: I'm not experienced at OLD at all, so this is sincere, but what does it generally indicate when women get sexy with strangers? That they're emotionally unstable, desperate, likely to chase other guys? Well, if they're young, it can mean they think this is what's "required." At a bare minimum, it means they don't have very good boundaries if they're being explicit or sending nudes or semi-nudes to strangers on the internet, someone they've never met in real life. Now, maybe if they've talked to you for some months and done so on Skype or similr where you both are seeing each other and can really know who you're talking to, but even then, you don't know someone if you've never met, so it's careless and I think it's usually a red flag because it's attention-seeking from strangers. On the worst-case scenario, it can be an internet prostitute, of which there are many, and they will send fake nude photos and get very graphic and usually it's not even a woman but a man doing it, unless they're doing it on Skype, which I don't know how likely that would be without them asking for money first. I can't think of any scenario where I would say a woman getting real sexy with a guy she hasn't met on the internet is a well grounded person. If she's done it with you, she's done it with others as well, and why? Attention, ego boost, or young and dumb. 2
coolheadal Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I've been texting (incessantly) an incredibly sweet and endearing girl over the past few days, which raises a few issues. We haven't met yet and over the course of a few days texting we've done everything but pronounce our love for each other; conversations have been explicitly sexual and heartfelt. I do care for her, but this is all incredibly fast for what is a few days of texting. I would normally tell her to slow down, but she's been calling me the one and the nicest guy she's met online. Again I care for her, but she is very emotionally unstable and suffers from a personality disorder affecting her mood. How do I slow her down without really upsetting her? I'm also worried that despite the initial flames of romance, that they're might not be much of an overlap between our interests. Which brings me to another problem, that I might be asking too much to meet someone who is sweet, cute, honest and intellectually stimulating. What should I do? A lot of hidden mental, emotional feelings are online more than you think. Women tend to lie a lot more. OLD is their escape from the real boring world. Most are still married, but like to be married safe with their cake and have you the pie on the sidelines. Who in the heck wants that. Not me. Most of those type I kept them as friends only. Mood swings can be dangerous I had one threaten to call the police on me, she said I had stayed to long with her. I say what! That one was crazy and mental case, but what could I do nothing. You shouldn't really be with any women that are mental or emotional wrecks, those relationships will the be a healthy one for you.
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Don't count your chickens before they hatch... I have talked with many men online who I thought were "the one," only to realize after meeting them that it couldn't be farther from the truth. All this talk means nothing until you meet this woman in real life. Good luck. 2
LostOnes05 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I was kind of in your situation before. You should slow it all down to see how she really is. My advice would be to worry about the things that she isn't telling you, since she is so open about things. I found that the person I was with, was only open about things to a certain extent. As we progressed, I found out some of those things she was so forthcoming with were lies or half truths. Be careful. 1
C.JunioR Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Be careful. It's most likely a catfish. The date is 3 weeks out, and when it comes, the 'disorders' will become a reason to postpone it, and by then you'll find yourself trapped in a emotional trap, unable to walk away from. Your story is very similar to mine. Read my first thread and you'll know. In the case that she's not a catfish, its still not worth it to go through a roller-coaster ride which it will be if she really have disorders. People have given me such advice in the past but i didn't heed them, but yet now here i am giving the same advice because i sincerely think that its true, and regret not listening to it before.
guest569 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 You could try easing back on the communication to something you're more comfortable with. What do you mean by incessant? What do you think would be a healthy level of contact at this point? It takes time to really get to know someone, so be wary of rushing in to "love" before your brain catches up. If she gets upset by a change in text frequency then give her a call and explain where you're at. It sounds pretty reasonable to me to hold back a bit until you've met up.
CptInsano Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 In my experience with LDRs and getting to know each other online (although I cannot speak to OLD), the early enthusiasm isn't much of a predictor of anything, neither in a positive or negative sense. It may not work out, or it may click IRL immediately. You don't know. But, since you are already at this point, I wouldn't slow down, or she may feel rejected. Maintain the current pace until you meet and then make your decision then, and don't try to interpret too much into the current state of affairs.
OatsAndHall Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I will touch on what you have said about her having a personality disorder as I was married to a woman with BPD... You have to understand that people with particular personality disorders (BPD, histrionic) struggle to regulate their emotions, as you have seen. This means that the highs are HIGH and the lows are nightmares.. I imagine what you are experiencing right now is a "honeymoon" period that is being taken to an unhealthy level. In my experience, it is easy to get sucked in emotionally during this elevated honeymoon period as there is a lot of sexual innuendo, sexting, and over-the-top flattery. It's not the person suffering from the disorder is being disingenuous; they are feeling overly intense emotions and expressing them to you. It seems like a whirl-wind, storybook relationship at first but you need to be prepared for the hang-over that is going to come with it.. At some point, that honeymoon period will end and a person struggling with a personality disorder will probably feel a deep level of disappointment. Now, this isn't the same level of disappointment that you and I feel; they will likely feel a deep depression and that is hard to handle. This is when the roller coaster can begin so be prepared for it. The good points in your relationship will bring back that elation but the low points will come unexpectedly and the relationship becomes exceptionally difficult. It is good that she recognizes that she has an illness but she needs to show that she is working on it and taking care of herself at the same time. Counseling, medication, etc..etc.. I applaud her for realizing that she has issues but she needs to understand how detrimental those issues can be to a relationship if she doesn't keep her emotions in check. Also, know that individuals that have been diagnosed with this type of mental illness have suffered abuse at a young age (it's one of the MAJOR criteria for the diagnosis) and that opens up a whole new can of worms. So, just proceed with caution here, my friend. You are seeing that you have been drawn into too far emotionally so I would suggest taking a step back from it and really think about whether or not you want to pursue this further. I will not impose my relationship experiences upon you in this situation as my ex-wife refused to accept her diagnosis and never took steps to work on it. You may have a wonderful woman on your hands that has some issues but issues that aren't going to destroy a relationship. But again, pay attention to red-flags and move slowly. 1
kendahke Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I'm not denying it I've probably been irresponsible and got caught in the emotion of it all, This is the reason why you don't let 3 weeks elapse before meeting someone from online. My policy is 7 days or I'm moving on. That way, neither of you can invest in an artificial construct of who you think that person is---because that's who you're building all of this around: who you think she is and not who she actually is. You don't know who she actually is until you're standing face to face with her because she can tell you anything. She can be emotionally manipulative, as are most online dating scammers. I say move up your meeting to the middle of next week--bump the excuses. You will see if she is real or if she's a catfish by her reaction to this.
Downtown Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) She is very emotionally unstable and suffers from a personality disorder affecting her mood.Jamie, the "clinical" disorder (i.e., non-personality disorder) most associated with mood swings is Bipolar Disorder. However, if her mental disorder is one of the ten personality disorders -- as you believe -- the one causing strong mood swings is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore join OatsAndHall in suggesting you familiarize yourself with red flags for BPD. Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your friend's issues. Although these symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., becoming enmeshed in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman suffering from untreated BPD. An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Oats, Preraph, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Like Oats, I was married to a BPDer. Take care, Jamie. Edited June 18, 2017 by Downtown
Author Jamie_1 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 Be careful. It's most likely a catfish. The date is 3 weeks out, and when it comes, the 'disorders' will become a reason to postpone it, and by then you'll find yourself trapped in a emotional trap, unable to walk away from. Your story is very similar to mine. Read my first thread and you'll know. In the case that she's not a catfish, its still not worth it to go through a roller-coaster ride which it will be if she really have disorders. People have given me such advice in the past but i didn't heed them, but yet now here i am giving the same advice because i sincerely think that its true, and regret not listening to it before. I'd be truly shocked if she were a catfish. I'm not saying it's impossible, but she was the one that set the date and pushed for us to meet, she's also pushed for us to phone which I will tonight (will be our first verbal conversation). Maybe it's naive, but I do think I'm someone who could truly help her: I'm studying psychology and I'm inspired to learn as much as I can about the mind and I plan to write about the psychology and philosophy of the mind. Moreover, I have an incredibly stable and lucid mental state most if not all of the time, I do suffer from anxiety, but whenever I'm faced with a problem I'm capable of being logical and accepting feedback without self-flagellation. Having said that, even if I can be a positive influence in her life, is it an endeavor that will satisfy me in the long term? That's what i'm ruminating about.
Author Jamie_1 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 You could try easing back on the communication to something you're more comfortable with. What do you mean by incessant? What do you think would be a healthy level of contact at this point? It takes time to really get to know someone, so be wary of rushing in to "love" before your brain catches up. If she gets upset by a change in text frequency then give her a call and explain where you're at. It sounds pretty reasonable to me to hold back a bit until you've met up. Well I've just checked my messages on my phone and over 450 messages have been sent in the past three days - that's with me slamming the breaks on a couple of times by saying 'i'm going out i'll talk to you tonight'.
Downtown Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Even if I can be a positive influence in her life, is it an endeavor that will satisfy me in the long term?Perhaps so, Jamie. Yet, if she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old (unless she has had many years of intensive treatment). An important issue, then, is whether you're willing to settle for a parent/child relationship? If so, the remaining issue is whether your time would be better spent finding a mature wife who can give you actual children to raise?
guest569 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 If the incessant texting is one sided, i would be concerned. Do you know why she set the first date 3 weeks away? ?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Well I've just checked my messages on my phone and over 450 messages have been sent in the past three days - that's with me slamming the breaks on a couple of times by saying 'i'm going out i'll talk to you tonight'. End it now. Block her. I hope you have not provided any other personal information.
Author Jamie_1 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 If the incessant texting is one sided, i would be concerned. Do you know why she set the first date 3 weeks away? ? The texting has been balanced between us and she set the date three weeks away because she gets paid on that date. She isn't catfishing me, if she was I would expect her to be asking for money or something by now. My concern is how quickly she has fallen for me. I care about her, but this has me concerned.
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