Is he shy?

[CptInsano]

This may sound like a stupid question, but would even the best looking guys have confidence issues with women?

 

They weren't necessarily having confidence issues. Some had an idealized concept of love think along the lines of immediate soulmates, instant attraction and understanding. Others had a rather conservative worldview. Then others truly had a lack of motivation, and some were just plain weird. Sonebody being physically attractive doesn't imply that they are social.

 

Yes. I mean, I used to initiate with those type guys, but I finally learned be careful what you wish for. The bottom line for me is even if you end up with them, they won't take care of anything, too passive to call the phone company about a phone bill or ask their boss for a raise or day off. Too frustrating for me.

 

Yes, that was my experience, too. Setting them up with somebody never worked.

[loverboy69]

Hello,

 

So I've been interested in a guy for a little while now and I've picked up on subtle hints that he may be too. Complimenting my appearance, I have his undivided eye contact whenever we have spoken, always (and I mean always) looks at me whenever I'm around, etc.

 

In spite of all this, the other day he was about 50m away, walking by on the other side of the sidewalk. He stared for multiple seconds, I looked up at him and he looked away, hesitantly, but still looked away. Why wouldn't he have waved or said hi in light of all the above? Is it a shyness thing? It's got me slightly confused and curious.

 

Let me share with you an alternative viewpoint from a guy who was socially awkward from his late teens through mid 20's.

 

I was that guy who has been called gorgeous, hot, attractive ever since I can remember but my low self esteem and social anxiety had me miss out on some potentially good relationships early on.

 

I could chat up anyone; literally at first. It didn't matter how good looking they were. But once feelings started to develop (on my side) then the nerves would kick in; and this is where my social anxiety would rear its ugly head. Suddenly simple hello's while crossing paths were no longer so simple. Maintaining eye contact of course with me would go out the window.

 

Over time I developed a reputation for being aloof, (stuck up according to my best friend), reserved, unfriendly etc. This was not the guy I was inside but my outside actions were self inflicted and self sabotaging. The nicknames stuck with me and before I could realize it I started playing the role of sorts unintentionally.

 

Yes I'd do the hot and cold thing too with those I was attracted to except with me I wasn't playing a game so none of the PUA rules applied. I was just awkward because I couldn't understand that someone I really cared for could ever love me back. Casual sex was never a problem because there was never any emotional investment attached and there wasn't enough time for the "nerves,' to set in.

 

Why am I writing all of this to you? It's not because I think this really cool guy you like is a nutcase the way I used to be but just to give you another perspective. Sometimes a guy just needs a little more reassurance (from you) before he'll take the next leap. Don't take all the thrill of the chase away from him but every once and a while straighten out his collar or fix his tie. He'll get the cue and pick up his own balls then show his cards if he feels the same.

[mortensorchid]

He would most certainly be interested in you if he is putting himself in close physical contact with you like that. He's not speaking to you because he's nervous/afraid. I guess my question is are you interested in him as well? There's nothing wrong with your saying "Hi how are you" to him if and when you see him. If he responds, then by all means try to strike up a conversation with him. If he does not or runs away and is obviously afraid / nervous, then you really don't want to be with him. Someone who is so socially awkward / shy is not someone you want to be with. He'll let you down somehow later on. Trust me.

[girlinNYC]

He would most certainly be interested in you if he is putting himself in close physical contact with you like that. He's not speaking to you because he's nervous/afraid. I guess my question is are you interested in him as well? There's nothing wrong with your saying "Hi how are you" to him if and when you see him. If he responds, then by all means try to strike up a conversation with him. If he does not or runs away and is obviously afraid / nervous, then you really don't want to be with him. Someone who is so socially awkward / shy is not someone you want to be with. He'll let you down somehow later on. Trust me.

 

I'm definitely interested, I have been for quite some time now. I'm just nervous to say hi this time? Even though we've spoken numerous times. I'd like to drop some subtle hints and hopefully we can exchange numbers. I don't think I know him well enough to conclusively determine if he's a shy guy or just nervous for the moment. I met his sister (by chance) after I met him and she's super lovely/not awkward at all. Hopefully it runs in the family!

[girlinNYC]

Let me share with you an alternative viewpoint from a guy who was socially awkward from his late teens through mid 20's.

 

I was that guy who has been called gorgeous, hot, attractive ever since I can remember but my low self esteem and social anxiety had me miss out on some potentially good relationships early on.

 

I could chat up anyone; literally at first. It didn't matter how good looking they were. But once feelings started to develop (on my side) then the nerves would kick in; and this is where my social anxiety would rear its ugly head. Suddenly simple hello's while crossing paths were no longer so simple. Maintaining eye contact of course with me would go out the window.

 

Over time I developed a reputation for being aloof, (stuck up according to my best friend), reserved, unfriendly etc. This was not the guy I was inside but my outside actions were self inflicted and self sabotaging. The nicknames stuck with me and before I could realize it I started playing the role of sorts unintentionally.

 

Yes I'd do the hot and cold thing too with those I was attracted to except with me I wasn't playing a game so none of the PUA rules applied. I was just awkward because I couldn't understand that someone I really cared for could ever love me back. Casual sex was never a problem because there was never any emotional investment attached and there wasn't enough time for the "nerves,' to set in.

 

Why am I writing all of this to you? It's not because I think this really cool guy you like is a nutcase the way I used to be but just to give you another perspective. Sometimes a guy just needs a little more reassurance (from you) before he'll take the next leap. Don't take all the thrill of the chase away from him but every once and a while straighten out his collar or fix his tie. He'll get the cue and pick up his own balls then show his cards if he feels the same.

 

Wow! Thank you for offering such a perspective. It definitely has opened my eyes to that. I'm guilty of being a black and white thinker and not considering viewpoints (like yours) outside the box.

It definitely all makes sense.

He started off quite charming without being OTT, then we lost our way a little communication wise. I now intend on speaking to him this week, just passing by with a casual hello with some subtle flirting given I haven't flirted.

I can't blame him (especially if his shyness is a thing) for dropping off given I haven't shown him anything substantial re romantic interest. His eye contact is continuing though.

 

Thanks again, I really needed to hear your take. I was feeling super lost.

[Chilli]

Definitely l can relate to very similar.

A few nerves with a guy is nothing especially when we're younger. Maybe even a good thing because it often only if we're interested.

All this confidence bs all over the internet is just like 3/4 of the rest of internet bs. Don't think l'd meet too many guys that weren't a bit nervous around someone they liked , especially if it was a sitch where they'd actually have to ask her out.

 

l had all the looks, apparently, too , and tall but l'd often blush a bit if l saw you out on the street, it's nothing. And if l wanted to ask someone out, holy hell givme a scotch.

Yet l could out party most and still can or chat up girls in that scene or handle myself in any sitch you wanna throw at me.

But in a sitch like that that's very sketchy at best and a lot more formallish or work or something, where you need to go out on a limb and actually ask, different story all together and he'll wanna be pretty damn sure before he puts himself out there.

 

And so called signals can also be just as sketchy. Don't forget , 2 out of 3 females you know or meet, family, friends, anyone, can be all friendy even touchy,show interest in things, doesn't mean sh@t. Very tricky business and we've all had some very rude shocks miss reading someone.

So if it's gonna have to be an ask her out situation, not at all unusual that he'll wanna be pretty damn sure before he put's himself out there.

And incidentally 2 of the shyest guys l've ever met, ones' ex father inlaw, one's a brother, 40's. are two of the strongest people l've ever known.

Edited July 8, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Another funny about that stuff, to this day l often still blush a bit if a girl looks me in the eye and holds it.

But there was another angle too, l dunno. Something about being tall , you also worry you might be a bit sort of intimidating too sometimes.