Jsos91 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Hello everyone, I posted a couple weeks ago regarding my ex fiancee up and leaving me rather suddenly. I've managed to go NC and just focus on myself (working out a lot, hanging out with friends.) She stopped by my parents house yesterday to pick up the last of her things and started to bawl to my mom about how she didn't think things would be this hard. She said she's having some regrets and missing me and doesn't understand why I have her blocked on social media. If you read my previous thread, you would know she left me because she started a new school program in the city and thought her life was going in a different direction. Then on top of it she told me she has feelings for someone in her program. When we were together she was able to stay at my sisters place in the city but now since she doesn't have that option anymore, I guess she's been sleeping on friends couches and basically living like a nomad. I find the timing of her reaching out convenient because she's back at her parents house for the weekend and she hates it there. I also feel like she's not in her fantasy world in the city anymore and she actually has to face the reality/gravity of her decisions. Anyways this is how the conversation went: Her:Can we talk Her:Not necessarily now. Just at some point. When you're ready. Me:I don't know what we have to talk about at this point.. Her:Everything happened so fast Her: I just wanted to talk about what's happened Her: I understand if you don't want to though Me: Honestly, I just don't see the point in rehashing everything. It's done and it's time to just move on with our lives. Her: Her: I miss you. You're the person I've wanted to talk things through with and I know I can't. I just feel like you hate me now. Her: We were engaged only a few weeks ago Her: I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have said anything to you. I've been trying so hard not to lately. Her: I'll shut up now Me: Im not that person for you anymore. You need to lean on your friends or something. I'm honestly just indifferent about you, I'm not going to waste my energy hating anybody. Yes we were engaged a few weeks ago and you ended it so that means I'm gone, I'm just not sure what you thought was going to happen after all of this... Her: Wow, it's like you're a completely different person Her: I didn't know what was going to happen. I barely even knew what I was doing. I knew things were off and I wasn't happy but I didn't know what I wanted and still don't. I certainly didn't expect you to cut me off and for us to have no conversation about anything that's happening Her: We were going to get married and suddenly you're indifferent about me? How can you just stop loving someone that instantly. Her: I shouldn't have said anything. I hope things go well for you. I hear you're playing hockey and going on a trip. That's all wonderful. I still care for you very much and want you to be happy. Me: Okay can I remind you that a couple weeks ago you ended our engagement, you said you may pursue someone else, you said if we weren't engaged you would've ended things already, you acted completely indifferent and devoid of emotion. This is 100% on you, I gave you options to try and work through things together and you had absolutely no interest in putting the effort in. All that tells me is that I wasn't worth it to you. I'm not your second choice, I'm not your safety net and I could never trust you to not do this again. Her: If you ever need someone, I'll be around. After all of this, I don't know if I'll hear from her again, but I'm just curious what everyones thoughts are? I was honestly surprised I heard from her so soon after she ended things. I thought it'd be a few months at least. 1
kgcolonel Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 You did really good on this. You avoided being mean or ugly in the exchange, did not let her put any blame on you, maintained your control and did not give her any power back. I only wish I would have been as good at that as you did. I likely would have followed with, go talk to your new guy about your feelings.....but that would have been tacky. Stay the course. 6
staggerlee71 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 you handled that conversation well. Her motivation to talk is in the dialogue. She wants to work her feelings through, not your feelings, or a reconciliation. Stay strong. She will reach out again. Know what you want and those moments when she reaches out, will be easier to understand because she will giving you what you want or she wont. Shes not gone yet in terms of contact. periodic contact, in your situation, is very common. Its how you deal with those moments that help you move on or get what you want. 2
springy Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I am really blown away by the attitude of some dumpers that think you should stick around after they've broken up the relationship. Like their egos must be out of control. You slapped a reality check on her at the end there. Notice she had nothing to come back with. It's like she forgot all about that part or something, smh. She just can't believe that you're indifferent towards her after she broke off an ENGAGEMENT and told you she was interested in another guy! She doesn't get the opportunity to assuage her guilt or throw meaningless breadcrumbs your way. She did the right thing if she wasn't feeling it anymore no doubt, but the aftermath was something she didn't see coming. Selfish. Good for you. Very well done. Hang in there. 4
Author Jsos91 Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Yeah I won't lie, it was so hard to talk to her like that. It went against my natural instinct. Today has been a bit of a down day, I keep second guessing myself and thinking "well she wanted to get together to talk so maybe she wanted to reconcile". I'm worried that the way I acted made her think I don't miss her and that I don't care. It's just hard thinking she wanted to get together to work on things and I pushed her away and she's giving up.
kgcolonel Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Yeah I won't lie, it was so hard to talk to her like that. It went against my natural instinct. Today has been a bit of a down day, I keep second guessing myself and thinking "well she wanted to get together to talk so maybe she wanted to reconcile". I'm worried that the way I acted made her think I don't miss her and that I don't care. It's just hard thinking she wanted to get together to work on things and I pushed her away and she's giving up. Actually the way your spoke to her indicated how hurt you were by her actions. That's why you are no longer available to her
enddeck Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Of course she wants to reconcile,look at what she has lost.And for what,a couple of weeks ****ing some guy that has now moved on to his next girl.Your ex realises she has screwed her life up badly and now wants everything to go back the way it was.Until the next guy catches her eye. You would be a fool to take her back but you seem to know this. Well done! 2
springy Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 She wants to talk about everything at some point. Not to say everyone story ends the same but how often this is heard on these forums? I have lost count. Then they want to talk about being friends "someday " or reconciling "later" after blah blah blah. I would also question the timing of her contact- things aren't so great for her right now. She might be having second thoughts but what are her motives? She just ended it. An engagement, expressing she would have done it sooner if not for being engaged. Telling you she may pursue another man. This girl had been thinking about this for awhile. Didn't want to work on it but now her life has gotten a bit difficult and her main source of emotional support is gone. She's at home where she doesn't really want to be and kind of homeless in the other location. She's looking for a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. If you would really consider getting back with her after all this then state that if she contacts you again. Tell her you aren't looking to rehash everything and if she ever wants to talk reconciliation to get in touch. Actually you did already tell her you weren't looking to rehash. She had opportunity to say that's not what she wanted to talk about but didn't. Anyway you could do that if you really think this is something you can get past. But you did nothing wrong here. I'm sorry. I know this sucks. I believe that if she is truly remorseful to the point of reconciling it won't be the last you've heard from her. And she will say so.
springy Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 After glancing back over your conversation I see guilt. She knows she shouldn't have contacted you because she's got nothing substantial to say :/
Purepony Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I see guilt but I don't see her trying to reconcile She never mentions anything even close if you ask me... it seems she just wants to make sure you are okay and that's it, I would ignore her from now on unless she says she wants to work things out
Author Jsos91 Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Thanks everyone, I honestly wanted people to tell me that this wasn't her trying to reconcile. I've been making such good progress and I've been coming to terms with the fact that we're done and she's gone. If she did want to reconcile I feel like it would really mess me up and set me back. I'd feel guilty turning her down because I still love her and we were engaged and things seemed normal 3 weeks ago so.. it's for the best that we just let it lie. 1
Marc878 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Shes fickle and immature. This would have been a nightmare with you on the receiving end of it. Be glad this ended and do not crack the door open on this again. Your assumptions are spot on. She was hoping to come back to plan B until she had better options. She's crying and upset for herself not you. Most are not smart enough to see this but you got it right. You are an excellent example of No More Mr Nice guy. 1
Marc878 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Oh and quash any "can we be friends" ? You don't need that drama in your life. Besides no other woman is gonna want an X in the mix.
marky00 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Yeah I won't lie, it was so hard to talk to her like that. It went against my natural instinct. Today has been a bit of a down day, I keep second guessing myself and thinking "well she wanted to get together to talk so maybe she wanted to reconcile". I'm worried that the way I acted made her think I don't miss her and that I don't care. It's just hard thinking she wanted to get together to work on things and I pushed her away and she's giving up. NO NO NO NO NO I read your conversation. Trust me, you did very well indeed and you must stay the course and do not break NC. Think logically here, no-one breaks up an engagement and wants to reconcile 2 weeks later. It would take months or years for a reconciliation to be a realistic possibility. Her contact was all bout HER, not you or the old relationship. She thought she would end it, feel sorry for you and give out meaningless breadcrumbs to help you get over it. You flipped the script, stayed strong.... so now she has to deal with the fact she dumped someone who is apparently stronger and more level-headed than she had anticipated. Your giving her no opportunity to validate her decision so she has to sit on the "what-ifs" just like you were forced to. I disagree with the one poster who said your conversation made you look hurt. Given the circumstances, you have every right to cut her off and the fact you didn't get angry or say anything nasty just was the perfect way in handling this. Do not become her friend, do not verbally forgive her but refrain from attacking her. That way, your telling her that what she did was unacceptable BUT you have moved on from it and do not care to discuss it. Its the perfect play (and is what you did in your exchange with her). 2
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 It sounds like reality it setting in for her that there is no going back. Perhaps in her naivety and arrogance she thought that you would sit around a wait for her while she went off to explore single life with a new guy. She may have expected you to beg and blow up her phone which would give her a backup plan, or at the very least a source of validation and comfort of a security blanket when she needed it. Instead things didn't turn out that way at all. The attention and drama she may have anticipated never materialized, and now she is left with the void of a broken engagement. However, instead of accepting responsibility for her choice, she has deflected it back on to you for not being more visibly upset. Now she is pretending to be the bigger person by saying she will be there for you, so you are essentially the bad guy. In her self delusion, she is now the victim in the situation, which is easier for her to deal with. I can't read her mind so I am only assuming this as a possible scenario. The only thing I am certain about is the fact that she has not been contacting you in order to reconcile. If things don't turn out the way she hoped in the near future, I wouldn't be surprised if she does come crawling back wanting another chance, but I can't see how you could trust her again, knowing what you know now. I'm sorry for the heartbreak and void you must be feeling right now, but you have handled yourself so incredibly well, and in time you will look back and think how lucky you were that you saw her true colors before tying yourself to her in marriage. Try to stay away from her, even block her number if you have to, and most importantly, take care of yourself. 5
Been Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Gotta say you handled that perfect. She feels guilty and she didn't think you would or could quit her cold turkey. Loved how she tried to question you and you basically said she made the choice not you. She wants the best of both worlds and you told her NO. Good for you.
staggerlee71 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 listen to me carefully, you will know when he wants to reconcile because she will say the words. She will say, I'm sorry, she will say I want to get back together, she will be very clear. In the meantime, any contact she has with you that doesn't sound like that, is something else. you will want to read into her words, analyze. if your doing that, she is not reconciling. YOU WILL KNOW BECAUSE SHE WILL SAY THE WORDS AND ACT ON IT!! stay strong, it not about you, its about her. this is not about you as a person. don't ever forget that. you have what it takes. Hang tough!! your pain is growth
usa1ah Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 You can be honest about this. Just tell her how you feel and that you can't trust that she won't find someone else to pursue. Let her know you gave her your heart for her to protect and keep. That she returned it broken wanting to pursue another. That you will not give her the trust of it again even tho you still love her. It never shows weakness to be honest. This way she knows how much her acts have cost her.
NopeNah Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I've not been on here in a while but, I must say; You handled that convo "LIKE A BOSS"! Don't second guess yourself at all.
jamili Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 First off, as others have said, you are The Man! The way you handled that was incredible. I can tell you are a strong person, and she lost something great. That was definitely guilt. I dont see or sense reconciliation in her communication. If she wants to reconcile, someday, you will know... this was NOT it. And i agree with you, taking her back, at least right now, would be a mistake as you would likely get dumped again. Women dont let the right guy get away like that. If theree os ever a chance of reconciliation, it will be way, way in the future, after she has grown a LOT as a person. Ignore all future communications from her. You are a GHOST now. She lost you and had to live with that. Stay NC, and stay strong!
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