Can MM/OW ever truly work?

[tinareed]

Someone plz help me.

I am new here and thank god for this site. I met MM through work (client). He is well known. I need to leave it at that. He has been married 37 years and refuses to speak of her as he says he can't disparage his wife and he is happily married and needs to keep his marriage intact for obvious reasons. That I believe.

 

I knew he was married a month after meeting him. I saw him once a week at work and he would call me when he was in town to say hello at work. Then I weakened and gave him my personal phone number so he "wouldn't have to call the office to say hello and risk me not being there". He still didn't know I was interested but just being nice to a client. After two months he and his wife visited (of course he didn't tell me) and I left a note at our central office welcoming them. This started it all. He then pursued me like the devil. We then admitted I knew he was married and I was interested.

 

I must say this started (as they all do) platonically. We have a lot in common and are two very bright individuals. I am 47 - he is 58. He first spent the night here in town with me in July and we didn't have sex. I insisted on that. He kept calling. We arranged to hook up again last Sunday when he came in to town and we did have sex. Please - no lectures - we're grown and I have known him a while. It was mind blowing. I suspect he hasn't been with a woman for ages. He was clueless and clumsy. But wonderful.

 

He said on Monday that he'd call at the END OF THE WEEK. I phoned him the next day and confessed how hurt I was that he couldn't even call out of courtesy the next night and I just didn't feel this was going to work. He was astonished and so aplogetic and said for about an hour how busy he was going to be and that his schedule changes every hour and our plans for the 17th of August were up in the air now - blah blah blah. So I started to wonder who was leaving whom! I DID tell him we had sex way too soon which also puzzled him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel.

 

He told me that the sex was something he wasn't accustomed to and wanted more of it (duh). He said he'd call in a "FEW DAYS". It is Thursday and he called tonight with pure sexual undertones. I am ok with that because it is silly for two old people who are starved for affection to deny themselves.

 

But I digress. I see the pattern of the MM on this OW site and see the pain and the fear I had felt when I didn't know if I was going to hear from him again. I am also scared because I haven't dated anyone in years and single men (I never looked at married ones) aren't attracted to me so I am vulnerable.

 

I would never (so I say) want a man to leave his wife so I can accept the status quo but PLEASE tell me with all the heartache you ladies have endured if ANYTHING good has come to a woman in this situation. I have no family so I can tolerate holidays alone. I work weekends. I am self sufficient. Marriage isn't something I want to do again, nor do I want children.

 

Please please know I am not being patronizing. I am sure I will write soon to ask for a hug because he has left me. I only wonder in some strange way if a woman out there has fallen in love (I haven't as of yet) with a married man and managed to keep her own life and her sanity. Again, this is so new and I hope joining this site will give me the wisdom I have never needed to use. For better or worse.

 

Tina

[suegail]

Tinareed, I hope you'll read this post of mine from some time back.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53597/?highlight=sadness

 

I hope you will think hard about the future, yours, his, his wife's. Everyone stands to get hurt in this situation. I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm in no position to do so, but you've asked the question, you're in search of some answers from people who've been in your shoes. This is the experience I had and I'm glad to share it with you. I hope it gives you some insight.

[erika2610]

Please please know I am not being patronizing. I am sure I will write soon to ask for a hug because he has left me. I only wonder in some strange way if a woman out there has fallen in love (I haven't as of yet) with a married man and managed to keep her own life and her sanity. Again, this is so new and I hope joining this site will give me the wisdom I have never needed to use. For better or worse.

 

Tina

 

I'll tell ya. I was 24.. my MM was 40. He chased me for a year, and then we got together and were together for a little over a year. I was completely in love with him. Completely. He brought me nothing but heartache. I went crazy. I was constatntly looking over my shoulder.. we couldn't go out in public. His wife vandalized the hel! outta my car. It was horrible. We broke up once, and I was just torn apart. Then we got together a couple months later, only to break up again, and I was just as devastated. These MM really get a hold over you. Honestly, looking back, I really do regret it..

[jadeblossom]

Dear Tinareed,

 

I'm 26, and you may have read my posts. I can say that without a doubt, there is no peace of mind for an OW. You always think you will be the exception, that you will be able to be in control but... honestly, I have treaded this path for almost a year, and it brings nothing but heartache, sleepless nights, tears tears and more tears, sometimes you feel as though you're going mad, sometimes you could be so on top of the world, and sometimes rock bottom so fast you feel as though you've been dropped from the top storey of a building....

 

maybe now at the start this might not be so clear, but it will gradually... you'll get sucked into this mess then you wonder why you are in it, and try as hard as you can, but it's so hard to extricate yourself.

 

Yeah, that's my honest answer. Please stay away from him. Honestly. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, or says that he wants to do.....at the end of the day, his words will amount to nothing. Having been in an affair for almost a year, I would say that this is definitely the worst thing that has happened to me in all my years of living. No matter how much I used to think that I would be different from the rest of the OW, that I would be able to handle it, that I would be happy in the end, all that has amounted to nothing.

 

I'm reminded of something someone on this forum (or perhaps it was somewhere else, I can't remember) said:

 

"You ride the merry-go-round until it stops and you pick up the pieces later. "

 

Well, I wrote that phrase on my calendar in May 2005. (I had to flip back to May to see what I had actually written)

 

And it's August 2005 now. I was riding the merry-go-round happily at that time, and not heeding the advice anyone gave me. I kept thinking they were all wrong, they were not in my shoes, they didn't know the details, this time it would be different. Well, now I'm picking up the pieces. And it hurts like hell.

[newbby]

take that feeling after you had just slept with him and didnt know if you would hear from him again, multiply it by 10 and expect that for say a year, maybe two, more....

i can hear in your post that you are trying to convince yourself that you are happier with things than you are.

what your mm hears because he wants to and because men find it more difficult to listen to words than actions is that you are happy with things as they are. if you spend non-platonic time with him knowing he is married, then that tells him you expect nothing more of him. he only sees your actions and because men can be okay with it, they think you can too.

you said he was puzzled about you saying you had sex too soon, this is because it isnt a big deal to him, it is just sex, after all. i'm not meaning to be harsh, but it doesnt matter how wonderful and beautiful and smart you are, he still wants you for sex only.

as women, we really suffer when we are used for sex, or give sex away too easily, i dont think it makes any difference how old you are. i think this is always a major factor in these relationships with making ow feel weak and powerless and terrible, they have have given away cheap the only real power a woman has over a man.

i am telling you it, how it is, in the hope that you will get out of this and fast.

this is for you, that i am saying this, i am not interested in his best interests or his wifes best interests because they are not the ones asking for help. i am not interested in them anyway, i know how it feels to be in your position and you can barely see through your own misery let alone think of other peoples pain, you will get alot of replies like this though, they are unhelpful and dont worry about them.

you say that you are not attractive to single guys, i find it hard to believe that a smart successful woman wouldnt be attractive to other guys, they may be intimidated by you, but you can change that. let that be your challenge, not this unwinnable one.

also can i just say, you will be far less attractive than you are now when you are drained by this mm, with any confidence you had shredded to ribbons, because you love him and he has spent the last year using you as a piece of a$$, he doesnt want anybody to know about you, he is ashamed of what he has done= he is ashamed of you, he liked the sex, sure, but he LOVES his wife, and she hasnt done anything wrong.

he will see you as the bad girl, his wife as the poor beautiful victim. (before anyone jumps on this i am not saying she isnt a poor victim, i am just pointing out to tina that this is what he will be seeing).

i hope you can see from all of this that you can never gain from this situation. it is hard when you are stuck in it, it is difficult when they chase you so hard to see that they really would risk their whole marriage for a f***, and it is nothing more thna that, oh except a BIG BOOST to their egos.

i was in this situation for a year, and another 6 months friendship, which led to sex once. for the entire year i felt awful, i think the majority of ow fall for these mm when they are extremely vunerable, most mm are clever and know all the right things to say to keep them in.

we had a fairly good friendship, until i finally gave in and slept with him again, thats when things started to go wrong. i dont hate him though, i think he is ok, but i dont want him in my life, not even as a friend unless he starts showing me some respect, which i cant see happening.

i am trying to tell you that the only way you wont end up feeling completely powerless and vunerable is if you dont sleep with him or do anything sexual with him again, be prepared though, he will then begin to heavily pursue you and you will have to muster all the strength in the universe not to give in, or you wil end up right back at square one.

[joodee]

This is a really good post, yes, heed Newwby's advice, you don't want to wind up in square one. I feel like I'm back at square and all I can think of right now is the fact that I'm f$%^ed right now cause deep down I can't seem to get over the mm and stand up to him. I thought I could make a clean getaway, but I can't.

 

So please get away from him as fast as you can, you'll feel better.

[whichwayisup]

Someone plz help me.

I am new here and thank god for this site. I met MM through work (client). He is well known. I need to leave it at that. He has been married 37 years and refuses to speak of her as he says he can't disparage his wife and he is happily married and needs to keep his marriage intact for obvious reasons. That I believe.

 

If he is that happy with her, why is he cheating? Or if he is actually that happy with her, he's SELFISH. Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

37 years is a LONG time to be married to somebody. There is history, family together, inlaws, neighbours, a life together, children, and maybe grandchildren.

 

I'm sure he wants to keep his life at home completely separate from you. The less you know the better. .

 

I knew he was married a month after meeting him. I saw him once a week at work and he would call me when he was in town to say hello at work. Then I weakened and gave him my personal phone number so he "wouldn't have to call the office to say hello and risk me not being there". He still didn't know I was interested but just being nice to a client. After two months he and his wife visited (of course he didn't tell me) and I left a note at our central office welcoming them. This started it all. He then pursued me like the devil. We then admitted I knew he was married and I was interested.

 

It's too bad you didn't come to LS right after this happened. You could have read about other threads in this section and found out what you're in for.

 

I must say this started (as they all do) platonically. We have a lot in common and are two very bright individuals. I am 47 - he is 58. He first spent the night here in town with me in July and we didn't have sex. I insisted on that. He kept calling. We arranged to hook up again last Sunday when he came in to town and we did have sex. Please - no lectures - we're grown and I have known him a while. It was mind blowing. I suspect he hasn't been with a woman for ages. He was clueless and clumsy. But wonderful.

 

He said on Monday that he'd call at the END OF THE WEEK. I phoned him the next day and confessed how hurt I was that he couldn't even call out of courtesy the next night and I just didn't feel this was going to work. He was astonished and so aplogetic and said for about an hour how busy he was going to be and that his schedule changes every hour and our plans for the 17th of August were up in the air now - blah blah blah. So I started to wonder who was leaving whom! I DID tell him we had sex way too soon which also puzzled him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel.

 

It seems he was after something and got it. Unfortunately in his mind, he owes you nothing. Which is why he didn't call...He didn't want to hear the affection, possible love in your voice and growing attachment to him. He's giving you excuse after excuse now as he knows what happened was wrong. He knows what he's doing and now I'm sure the thoughts of his wife has crept into his head.

 

He told me that the sex was something he wasn't accustomed to and wanted more of it (duh). He said he'd call in a "FEW DAYS". It is Thursday and he called tonight with pure sexual undertones. I am ok with that because it is silly for two old people who are starved for affection to deny themselves.

 

Redflag!! He isn't listening to you. He is only thinking one thing. Feeling good and having fun. Sadly, you're feeling 'it' and also pursuing the relationship part with him. Problem is he won't have that emotional relationship with you as he's married to his wife. What you want you won't get from MM.

 

But I digress. I see the pattern of the MM on this OW site and see the pain and the fear I had felt when I didn't know if I was going to hear from him again. I am also scared because I haven't dated anyone in years and single men (I never looked at married ones) aren't attracted to me so I am vulnerable.

 

There are tons of single men out there...Just means you've not found the right one for you, yet.

 

I would never (so I say) want a man to leave his wife so I can accept the status quo but PLEASE tell me with all the heartache you ladies have endured if ANYTHING good has come to a woman in this situation. I have no family so I can tolerate holidays alone. I work weekends. I am self sufficient. Marriage isn't something I want to do again, nor do I want children.

 

NOTHING GOOD can come of this. If you love enduring pain, feeling sad, feeling insecure, feeling alone, feeling angry, feeling foolish then by all means continue down this pathway. The BEST thing you can do for you is end it. Read about this forum and see what the OW here have gone through.

I've not been an OW, but I've read enough posts here to try my best to ward off OW off MM.

 

You feel right now you could tolerate holidays alone...Until you're so emotionally attached to him and can't be alone. Or want to be alone... You can't see it now, but you have ALL the power right now...The control! Control of your feelings, emotions and over him. If this switches and you allow him to treat you like he is treating you now, you're gonna be sad, alone and very lonely. Please, walk away from him. Tell him to leave you alone completely because it's unfair to YOU. He has a wife, someone first in his heart.

 

Don't you deserve somebody who will make YOU number in their heart?? Do you want to be #2 all the time?? I don't think you do.

 

Please please know I am not being patronizing. I am sure I will write soon to ask for a hug because he has left me. I only wonder in some strange way if a woman out there has fallen in love (I haven't as of yet) with a married man and managed to keep her own life and her sanity. Again, this is so new and I hope joining this site will give me the wisdom I have never needed to use. For better or worse.

 

No, you're being upfront and honest. Be prepared to maybe hear other people's opinions/advice and you may not want to "hear" it. People here only want to help and sometimes to make a strong point it could come off harsh.

 

Noone wants to see you get hurt but that is what will happen to you if you don't end this thing with MM.

 

Look at it from this angle. What will his wife feel if and when she finds out? She's gonna be devastated. Does he have children? If so, how do you think they will feel about their daddy? Imagine that pain and finding out after 37 years of marriage the man you thought you knew, cheated. Broken hearts all around, including yours. It's just not worth it and honestly?? Sorry to say this, but it's selfish. You knew going into this he was married. He knew exactly what he was doing too.

 

You deserve better. Be the strong one and walk away from this bad situation...If you don't, you'll be here posting all about your pain and sorrow. Yes, it will hurt you now but less hurt now is better than 6 months or a year from now.

 

Take care and keep posting. I hope you do take the time to really think this through. IT is actually worth it?? Ask yourself that and what GOOD can come of this - Long term. Not short term.

[tinareed]

And the others who have been there. You are so spot on about my situation. True, right now I am not seeing straight and am not in love so I have some power. I have not had sex in ages so it is nice to feel that again - with or without love. And I do naively wonder for every 2nd marriage in the world, how many first marriages broke up due to infidelity (right or not). In my case MM will stay with her until he dies. Of this I have no delusions.

Now for the reality. I woke up this morning feeling so sophisticated and pleased that MM called last night and I was in control. Then I read all of your posts and I feel like just what I am - unsophisticated and stupid.

We are what we grew up with, sadly. My parents had a good marriage for (yup - 37 years) but every friend of theirs had paramours, lovers, mistresses, what have you. In hindsight, I guess I grew up thinking this was normal. None of those men ever divorced. The wives became alcoholics. Would it have been better if they had divorced? Early on, perhaps. But that generation got married young and their expectations were different than ours. This is the stuff of novels but it brings me to my MM plight. He was no different. Whether it be societal or economic reasons these guys prevailed. And believe me their wives aren't dumb. Quite the contrary.

 

As far as my history is concerned - well I can tell you at 47 I was married to a man once who ultimately left me for his EX WIFE!!! The rest of my relationships were with single men who wanted kids - I did not - and left me. I have tried the personals. I have joined stuff, travelled, been fixed up (they take a look and run). I am not unattractive but nothing special. I am pondering plastic surgery next year. So you see I am insecure like everyone else. Along comes gorgeous, fit, successful, kind MM who actually does a double take when he meets me (no one has for a decade) and what am I supposed to do? I didn't ask for this to happen, then I did. I thought I was grabbing happiness where I could at my age. Now I think I have dug my own grave. I do see that these married men fall in love with their OW so it is NOT only about sex. I am at a crossroads. I feel if I was married and in this situation I could "go home". How selfish is that?

 

Finally, I'd like to know if anyone has read the story of Charles Kuralt and his double life. I'll post it if anyone is interested. I cried like a baby.

 

I will be checking in for more posts and trying to get off my high (horse, too) from his calls and maybe start looking at what I am doing to my heart. I am very, very confused but have no one to talk to so plz keep writing.

 

p.s. plz remember - I am where you were when you started out so be patient with me.

xox

[lynnspies1]

If this forum is any sort of road map for the MM/OW relationship, I would have to say it you will only be lost.

 

Sorry, statistics are not good at all.

[newbby]

dont worry, even us practised ow need patience.

i am still finding it difficult myself.

i think the thing i find the most difficult is working out exactly what the relationship was from his perspective.

i am still not sure, but one thing i do know, it was doomed from the outset, i dont see how these relationships can work out, even if they do leave their wives, there are many complicated emotions involved.

i went through some periods as i think you are of wondering whether i could be a long term mistress, i know that i did not want him to leave his wife for me, however my emotions were also complicated and full of contradictions, i thought at one point that i could have been happy in this role. in some ways i definetly could have and had he said to me, look i am not leaving her but i love you and i want to continue seeing you for a long time, i think i would have been content, knowing myself that i did not want any normal committed relationship with anyone, this would have fulfilled my needs. that is all academic though, as this did not happen for me, i am pretty sure that even if it had, at some point i would have wondered well how much does he really love me.

we all have reasons for ending up in these situations, and really the reasons dont matter, what matters is weighing up whether this is a good move for you at this point and what is the best method of extricating yourself from it, if that is what you decide is best.

you sound as though you are already beginning to feel bad about yourself because of this. you are not unsophisticated or stupid, but if the situation makes you feel this way then it is not good, ALREADY, in love or not. it will only get worse.

i think for myself i was quite fortunate in that the relationship distracted me from a very bad mental state, it also gave me an extra reason to begin to heal myself, in some ways i was lucky because i was blissfully ignorant, i DID think my relationship was unique. i did believe even if i made myself, that it was meant to be. it distracted me whilst i healed myself from other things, and by the time i had got fed up with it, i was cured from my depression.

if there is a reason why this relationship can help you then feel free to put it out here, ignore any bashes and think it through with help from others.

[tinareed]

for your response. I tried to message you privately but this site won't allow me to for some reason. It would be interesting to know how old you are and your circumstances if that isn't too nosey. I guess I said all I can say about the matter between he and I. It boils donw to this at this time: He gets sex which to me I can take or leave, really. I get intellectual stimulation (I live in nowheresville and the guy is brilliant). For now, he knows that as do I. The part I am starting to get annoyed with is flying off to meet him and only be seen in the day - I am a night person and my home or hotel rooms are not exactly romantic. I believe this will be the start of my journey to either leaving him or the opposite. I truly pray that it will be the former.

I will read some of your posts and if you could plz message me so I can touch base with someone to lean on from time to time.

Thx,,

Tina

[joodee]

Tinareed,

 

I would be interested in reading about Charles Kuralt's double life. That's what scares me the most - helping a man live a double life. Yuck, and that's why I want to permanently get rid of the mm that keeps creeping back.

[newbby]

i also would like to read about kuralts dble life.

joodee, does the relationship make you feel good, apart from feeling as though you are helping him lead a double life? i think he must be in his most charming role right now, if that is the only reason you can see for not going back there? i dont think thats a very good reason, and i dont think it would keep me away. its his choice to lead a dble life after all.

[tinareed]

Hi guys,

I fogot where I found it but I am still looking. There is a web site called gloryb.com and if you go under archives there is some good stuff but I have to remember where I found it. Maybe in here. You can definately Google him and read about it but it is not as heatbreaking as the article with the letters he wrote.

[joodee]

Thanks Tina, I think I will google about Charles.

 

Newwby, that's a hard question to answer right now, I feel like crap about everything at this moment. But give me a second....hmm...I never really found him to be charming, I think he's kinda dorky, but others seem to think he's so wonderful, so I'm not the best one to ask, I guess.

 

Putting aside the double life thing, in the past, when I was with him, I was very comfortable around him, and the conversation between us was very easy, no awkward silences. And he always said that he thought I was beautiful. And it was easy to travel and do things together. He was always on time and was a planner, which I liked.

 

Since July of last year (when I found out he had other girlfriends besides me) things have not been the same, from July to about February/March I didn't see him as much, and always had one eye open around him. I feel like everything out of his mouth is a lie now, and that anything I tell him will now be used against me when he tries to bed other women. And now that I took him to the airport (in a gesture to be nice and not be a b%^&), while his company was fine and the conversation was superficial (he knows his "charms" can't really get to me, so he seems akward around me now, like he's scared of me or something), I feel bad. Like he won, like he got away with it. I don't know. And now, based on his texts to me once he landed, I think he thinks he has a big chance at getting back together and working things out. >: ( But will the lies end? I can't stand being with a liar.

 

Anyway, Tina, hope this stuff that I'm going through will help you stay away from the MM. It's just not worth it.

[tinareed]

Just wanted to share a few thoughts because I am feeling anxious again. MM called me Thursday night. I had told him after we had been together the first time that I felt strange about it and the fact that he didn't call the next day. He apologized but said he just couldn't be there for me all the time. Phhht.

I then said out of spite that the only reason I was mad was because the sex was just to soon and he told me that changed everything. Huh???

I gave up and told him goodbye.

Then he called the other night and was the same guy I met three months ago platonically when he was Mr. Erudite, Charming, Intellectual, allaboutinaguy.

Just a little sex talk but not much and now I seem to be back on his calendar. He even wants to know what my entire schedule is for August (we live in seperate states) so we can plan. This after his goodbye speech on Tuesday night. He said he'd call in a few days (the wife is out of town tomorrow).

Soooo. I have decided to take my phone off the hook tomorrow night. It doesn't have a ringer so he can call until he turns blue - I'll never know. I can't take my cell phone "off the hook" but he will just have to leave messages. I don't want to answer them. I just want him to go away.

I wouldn't have thought this had I not read the posts on this site so I hope I am doing the right thing. I can easily tell him I "want more from the relationship" and CHASE him away but then he gets the gratification and I get dumped - I HAVE AN EGO TOO, OK? I need help from you guys, though, because I am scared I will cave in here.

The other thing I am noticing is my married friends. I never, ever envied them. Suddenly I do? What's up with that? I like being single and my own company. Now I feel really weird and for the first time (forgive me, all of you) like a whore. I know better. I am educated, travelled, well raised, and quite conservative to look at. I am free thinking about sex with no hangups. So why do I feel so damn sleazy? I should state (ad nauseum) that I am 47, he is 58 and we are intellectual equals - in other words he would never see me as a bimbo of sorts. Can someone please explain why I feel so lousy?

And may I just say for the record that I feel I met the right guy at the wrong time? I cried for two nights after I found out he wasn't single (he was just a client then) as I really felt that stupid soulmate crap for the first time in my life. Why did this have to happen so late in my life and why did he have to be married. Is there such a thing as fate? Someone stop me.

I know this is easy to figure out for those who have been there but I haven't and need clarification. And help.

Thanks for your time in reading this.

Tina

[newbby]

it is the situation tina,

i am actually of a "better" upbringing and education than my exmm, and yet he still makes me feel like an idiot because he is always the winner, the one who didnt get hurt, the one who now doesnt want to speak to me and regrets being involved with me, the one who got what he wanted from the situation, and i am the one that let him. i am the one who fell in love with somebody who so obviously already loved somebody else because he was actually married to her.

it makes you feel cheap, it made me feel cheap, because it is selling oneself short, it is giving oneself away cheaply. although i have no hang ups either, and i think sleeping with someone quite early in the relationship can be fine, it doesnt feel fine to sleep with somebody who afterwards pretty much tells you that, that is all its about, or you feel that, that is all it is about because the relationship cannot evolve much beyond it.

it is also of course the stigma attached to the role of mistress. i dont know if this is the norm but every conversation i have heard about husbands having affairs, it is always the ow that is percieved as the awful person. everything about her is horrible. i have never heard the mm spoken of too negatively, they are just men, they cant help it. or they were feeling unappreciated.

before i found this site i felt very alone, and though i knew that i wasnt an awful person, i still felt very bad about myself because of it. it is one of those things you think you will never do.

as for the soulmate cr&p, i dont know why we all feel that for these mm. what is it about the mm that creates such strong feelings. the few people that know about my a with xmm and have met him, think he is a ****, they also think he is really unattractive, they think that i could get pretty much any guy i wanted. so why did i fall for him so hard??

i still think it is a combination of the confidence of the mm, they have nothing to lose, they have their cosy lives and all their real needs taken care of, and that they are unavailable, (it gives our fantasy free reign, there is no need to pick them apart and question whether we want to commit to them, they arent asking for it, really).

whatever it is, a strange hold these mm have over us.

joodee,

i have never met a real compulsive liar who has changed. i think some mm are forced to lie, against their true nature, during affairs. i myself have been forced to, or at least to sit silently whilst mutual friends were discussing his whereabouts one evening (he had said he was at one of theirs, when he was with me, and of course the person had said "he wasnt at mine", most uncomfortable!), it really isnt in me to be devious. my ex mm too, is a terrible liar, i dont know how he got away with it.

however to carry on multiple relationships for quite some time suggests a problem. i really dont know. the trouble is, he has never given you a reason to trust him, whereas he has given you plenty reasons not to.

it must be really hard joodee, i know what it was like when my xmm, during our friendship, began wearing me down, but it didnt go on for as long as yours is. it was soooo hard to resist, no it wasnt even that, i could resist, but i couldnt help but melt and feel hope.

[tinareed]

I am feeling really lousy. Tonight is the first time I have cried over this. I posted my thoughts on the Charles Kuralt post to reply to yours but will reiterate. He hasn't called since Thursday when we had a great chat. At 11pm when I get home from work. He wanted to know my schedule for August. Etc.

The conversation was not re: sex and I thought I would see him again and then he said "I'll call you in a few days". I feel obsessed. I saw his wife tonight for the first time. It was sad to think that a virile man of 58 could cheat on his wife of 37 years (also 58) because she has lost her youth, her looks, and her figure.... But she isn't part of this so I digress.

 

I know this is for the best but the fact is why couldn't this just be a love affair like everyone else's? Why did it stop short? I miss what never was and I am in real pain for what I wanted to just "settle" for. Why couldn't he see that?

He was so well known that we couldn't even be seen in public yet I was content (and not impressed).

 

It is midnight and I know now it is probably the end. There will probably be no more posts, as well. I must say that the soul mate thing wasn't inspired due to his marital status. I have simply never met a man with whom I have had so much in common.

 

One final thought. Did anyone out there have the silly female "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" thing? I would never tell his wife or hurt his career but I wonder if these guys in the public eye know how much they are playing with fire!

At least it was only three months and not years. Now I have to see him every week at work when he visits our company starting next month.

PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO CALL HIM.

XOX TINA

[erika2610]

Originally posted by tinareed

I am feeling really lousy. Tonight is the first time I have cried over this. I posted my thoughts on the Charles Kuralt post to reply to yours but will reiterate. He hasn't called since Thursday when we had a great chat. At 11pm when I get home from work. He wanted to know my schedule for August. Etc.

The conversation was not re: sex and I thought I would see him again and then he said "I'll call you in a few days". I feel obsessed. I saw his wife tonight for the first time. It was sad to think that a virile man of 58 could cheat on his wife of 37 years (also 58) because she has lost her youth, her looks, and her figure.... But she isn't part of this so I digress.

 

I know this is for the best but the fact is why couldn't this just be a love affair like everyone else's? Why did it stop short? I miss what never was and I am in real pain for what I wanted to just "settle" for. Why couldn't he see that?

He was so well known that we couldn't even be seen in public yet I was content (and not impressed).

 

It is midnight and I know now it is probably the end. There will probably be no more posts, as well. I must say that the soul mate thing wasn't inspired due to his marital status. I have simply never met a man with whom I have had so much in common.

 

One final thought. Did anyone out there have the silly female "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" thing? I would never tell his wife or hurt his career but I wonder if these guys in the public eye know how much they are playing with fire!

At least it was only three months and not years. Now I have to see him every week at work when he visits our company starting next month.

PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO CALL HIM.

XOX TINA

 

DO NOT CALL HIM! And like you said, thank god it stopped short. I was with my MM for a little over a year, and when it ended I was a wreck. You ARE better off just ending it now, than when your feelings get much stronger. It'll be hard, trust me I know, but you'll get over it in time. Just stay strong.

[newbby]

taken from your other thread.

WHY THE HELL AM I FEELING THIS PAIN? I should have never slept with him so soon. I never know if he calls because he wants me or if he is scared I will ruin him.

 

this is just it, with the mm, you NEVER know. i went through this same thing quite a while back with my mm, he wasnt famous of course, but he doesnt live far from me. he would come and visit me one evening and the next day i would see him practically dive into his house if he saw me coming, like he was scared i would shout something out in the street!!

the next time he would visit, and say sweet things, i would never know, is he saying nice things to keep me sweet so i dont say anything, is it so i will continue sleeping with him and ignore the fact that he runs away from me in the street? does he genuinely mean anything he says?

I know this is for the best but the fact is why couldn't this just be a love affair like everyone else's? Why did it stop short? I miss what never was and I am in real pain for what I wanted to just "settle" for. Why couldn't he see that?

but it WAS a love affair just like everyone elses. THAT is the reality of everyone elses love affairs. longer periods of loving=longer periods of pain and questioning. dont analyse why it stopped short, just thank god that it did.

i dont think it makes a huge difference tina, it is the nature of affairs and not their duration.

nobody else can understand the pain but someone who has experienced it, nobody else can understand the addiction either. as time goes on feelings do build up, and hope builds up, after a while the realisation of being used for a long time, coldly, without regard for your feelings, is excruciatingly painful. the whole thing destroys ones confidence. all of what you are experiencing now, but for longer. the love affair you are fantasising about will always be a fantasy, whether the affair continues or not.

some people have posted in here who had long term affairs that they experienced as very loving, they still spent more time in tears than joy.

i am not going to tell you not to call him, because you do have the power not to.

[tinareed]

Apologies re: the missatement of the Charles Kuralt article. Someone other than yourself did tell me that they would shun a double life. Sorry Newwby.

Anyway, that article is my fantasy of sorts. Although I don't want/need to be a kept woman (my MM is loaded, albeit stingy) I would love the space in this man's mind and heart. I think that story is in the extreme and most MM can't afford to get away with that life but then let's take a look at the other extremes: Utah? The Middle East? We are a suppressed society. Hell, even French presidents have their wives AND their mistresses at their funerals. OURS get IMPEACHED. Enough said.

I am really stuck. He had previously invited me to visit on all kinds of days this month and now even though his wife is out of town - nothing. I went in to this thinking - Oh well, if it doesn't work at least I'll have known this brilliant, amazing man in my mind and in my heart once in my life. Ha.

What did I do wrong to steer him away? Did I tell him what I desired to soon? I keep feeling like this man was my friend first so why not call him and say hello. How stupid but I am confused. Yes, and horny - there I admit it - I miss that from him too.

Sorry to talk about myself so much - please anyone tell me if they have had short term affairs and why they didn't last to longer.

Newwby, you say the things about your MM in the past - there are so many articles on here I get confused - is he still in your life? Does he still call you and have you found another?

This site is quite invaluable but also frustrating as is my situation unique. I was told my the moderator that I cannot message anyone unless I have been on here a long time so no one-on-one chats. My situation is worse because I can't even tell my best of friends. The married part - yes - the notoriety, though, would cause trouble of extreme proportions.

Please tell me how to refrain from calling him! And why. There are simply no rules with this crazy thing. In retrospect, I feel like I got laid, I got dumped, slam bam, thank you mam. How absurd.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Please tell me how to refrain from calling him! And why. There are simply no rules with this crazy thing. In retrospect, I feel like I got laid, I got dumped, slam bam, thank you mam. How absurd.

 

Tina…

 

Let's extract "married" from the equation.

 

Would you tolerate the "slam, bam, thank you mam" treatment from a single man? Would you continue to grovel, chase after, and cast what's left of your dignity at the feet of some random bachelor even knowing you were playing second fiddle to some other woman he felt more dedicated to?

 

Perhaps…just perhaps…this man's marital status has somehow transformed into a sad, self-soothing excuse to justify why you would accept his nonchalant and seemingly ambivalent treatment of you. Perhaps you wouldn't otherwise tolerate these kinds of indignities if not for the fact that this particular fella came with a built-in excuse. After all, if it weren't for his wife (the other woman) he'd never step out of character and treat you this way. If not for his loyalty towards his marriage…his ability to stick to his word and commitments…he'd be a faithful and trustworthy relationship partner for you.

 

…Or would he (???)

 

LOOK at him, Tina. Really look at him. The REAL person and not this fantasy man you've somehow conjured up in your head. What does his actions and behavior really say to you about the type of person he is…the kind of relationship partner he'd make?

[ww]

to answer this question I ould like to use the most appropriate way: plain and simple: NO

[lust4life]

Maybe you want to consider crimes off passion as a reason to stay away from married men.

 

I am a married women, 20 years, I found out my H had an affair 3 years ago. DDay. The first thing I did was call HER boss, she lost her job. I don't know exactly what your job is but think you said your job is pretty much all you have in your life besides now an affair. I also then called her husband and she is now a single mom without a good paying job. You really need to think this through more.

 

You are already making demands on him, you are already acting like he owes you soemthing for having sex, you are also already posting like you are in love. You will not get him to leave his wife as you stated and you will certainly get your heart broken repeatedly, so what is the point to having an affair?

 

You need to build your self esteem some other way. After a few more "lays" awkward and clumsy but "mindblowing" sex will just tear away at your selfworth more.

 

 

Try harder at finding available men. Think a little less about your needs and more about society and this other family of the MM you are seeing. He is betraying his wife, now so are you. If you do not know what being hurt feels like I can describe it for you. You are truly destroying someone elses life, while setting yourself up for yours to also be destroyed.

[smile95]

this is answering the original question....I have read that 5% of relationships that start with a married party survive. Meaning.......95% of them fail! Not very good odds. But there is that hope of 5%.