AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Looking for some advice and opinions. Been dating a girl for a little under year and she has many great quality. Sweet to me, loving, kind heart to others...and she's beautiful to boot too. We have great chemistry between us as well. But there are some issues having to do with her that are bothering me and they are giving me pause about a future with her. As a quick background, we are 7 years apart in age. She's in her mid 30s. I am in my early 40s. I am divorced for 4 years now (this is my first serious, long term relationship since..) I have one child who I see regularly/ex wife and I are cordial. She has never been married but has 2 kids from previous relationships (different men). Neither was long term and neither guy is around or is really in either of the kid's life. those are the only 2 serious relationships she had been in and both ended in less than a year. She felt early on that neither guy was "the one" and has not found anyone else since that she felt was "the one" either until she met me. I am fairly stable my whole life and as an adult Ive worked hard to be successful - own a business, a home...financially stable, and very career oriented. She is kind of the opposite. During a good part of the relationship, she has been not working...her job is a contractor arrangement so she could work more, but basically she is too lazy to do so. Also her car died and she has no way to get there - so 2 things standing in the way. One fixable, one I'm not so sure LOL. Not working equals financial turmoil because she has no income coming in except for child support and neither father pays a lot. (one of them is years in arrears and it's a battle to get anything from him at time) So needless to say...anything we do, I pay for. Which I'm ok with for now because she claims this is all just temporary. I offered to lend her the money to fix her car. She said no, she doesn't want to take it. I offered to help her get into another car that she owns outright as she's behind on the payments for the broke down one and they will likely repo it soon. She also refused and I didn't press the issue because honestly it irks me that I want to help her more than she wants to help herself. So I don't know how long this "temporary" situation she is in is going to last. These things might seem petty to some but the irresponsibility behind it is a HUGE red flag. And then there are the kids. They are 13 and 7...and they are challenging and both are very immature for their ages. They act out, don't respect boundaries or their mother...they make it difficult to have even a conversation some times without them jumping in. Throughout the course of the relationship she has tried to correct that behavior but her parenting style is so lax - no real discipline, just empty threats to take things away when they misbehave etc - that they generally don't listen. I get along with them well - especially the older one who is a boy - he is respectful to me and actually listens more than he does to his mom. The younger is a girl and she's just for lack of a better word, a brat. Selfish, rude...throws a tantrum for the littlest things. My GF and her brother don't help matters in that they give in to her to make her stop. So nothing gets corrected unless I say something to her and then sometimes she will tone it down. The older one has his moments where he acts out too but a lot of it is I feel retaliation against his sister who is the instigator 99% of the time. I do feel that she wants to change for the better - she has come out and said that. But she only says it - doesn't do anything to show me she is serious. I often have to be after her to take care of her responsibilities and I hate that...I sometimes feel like a babysitter and not her boyfriend. If we didn't have such a strong connection from the start, I honestly would have broken up with her early on. But we do have it, and I not just love her but I care for her wellbeing and the kids' well being. I WANT to help her more but I already do a lot for her - a LOT - and while she is very appreciative about it all...it's so lopsided that it's started to make me a little turned off. I should add - we do not live together. It has been talked about but I would need a larger house for this to happen and honestly, I flat out said that I would be more comfortable doing it if we worked out some of these issues first (the financial issues, the kids discipline, etc) Sorry this is so long but wanted to put it all out there and ask for some opinions of what I should do. Thanks in advance for reading.
TheAntiHero Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Sorry man, didn't read much of this. I know good ones are hard to find but do you have any other choices? 1
Ronnys93 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 You're going to have to really have a serious talk about the things that NEED to change. You can't really tell her how to discipline her own children though. At this point though, because she's already rejected some of your efforts to help her out I would put a breakup on the table. Let her know that things need to change or you're out (and don't look back either). It's not fair to you to pick up her responsibilities. Sure some people do have low moments in their lives and it's up to you as to whether you want to stay for them. However, if you notice that there's no effort being put out to change or work towards doing better than it is safe to say it wont be happening any time soon.
CptInsano Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 She is an adult, assume that nothing will change. You can't fix this. Don't get me wrong, I've helped some of my women, too. But that was because they had a temporary setback and had a drive to change things. This is your first real relationship after your divorce, but do you really want this? 6
introverted1 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 You seem like a good guy, OP. I will tell you that it is so unlikely that this woman will change that you might just as possibly find a unicorn in your back yard tomorrow morning. On the financial/work front, she is showing you who she is. And you said it yourself - lazy. What would happen if you tied yourself to her and something happened to you where you couldn't be the rock for a while? Is she someone who will pick up the slack? Or will she be sitting back passively while the ship sinks (as she appears to be doing while her are gets repo'd)? As for the kids, there are multiple issues here. First off, how did she end up with two "oops" children? Yes, one accident is possible but two? You say she said knew neither father was the one early on so you think she would have doubled down on BC lest a second oops occur. Beyond this is her parenting style, which isn't going to change. She's been parenting for 13 years now - her style is pretty solidly locked. This is a case of what-you-see-is-what-you-get. If this is what you want for your life, go for it. Otherwise, I'd get out, because none of this is going to get better. 3
Chilli Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Yeah personally l don't think much will change but some credit at least for keeping her kids safe and well ,that's a huge job mostly alone. one thing , l know she probably doesn't wanna work more bc for one she'd probably lose too much of her child payment but also being the sole parent , she's gotta be there for them. it's just a few thoughts. ld also be thinking she's already tangled up with two guys and kids , thinking she's very hesitant about risking complications with another one and so she won't take the money or the car , not yet ir's too soon . 1
Arieswoman Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Adam MC, These things might seem petty to some but the irresponsibility behind it is a HUGE red flag They are 13 and 7...and they are challenging and both are very immature for their ages. They act out, don't respect boundaries or their mother... I do feel that she wants to change for the better - she has come out and said that. But she only says it - doesn't do anything to show me she is serious. I often have to be after her to take care of her responsibilities and I hate that...I sometimes feel like a babysitter and not her boyfriend. You seem like a nice guy so I will say to you, kindly, do not get any more involved with this. I am fairly stable my whole life and as an adult Ive worked hard to be successful - own a business, a home...financially stable, and very career oriented. You need a nice lady who has a similar outlook, who can be an equal partner to you and support you in your endeavours. You won't find her while you are involved with all this mish-mash. I'm sorry. x 1
CloudyHead Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 My opinion? Run! You cannot fix her problems. She made the choices to get to this point in her life and, honestly, at this stage in your relationship with her, if she wanted to change her circumstances, she would have done so. It sounds like she can change her circumstances, she merely chooses not to do so. That is her choice. You can be her "cheerleader" all you want and try to motivate her, etc. Believe me, being a cheerleader gets old real quick. It is already getting old as you are posting here. And, on top of it all, you are losing respect for her. In my opinion, once you lose respect for your partner, the relationship is over. Just my thoughts . . . 2
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 You seem like a good guy, OP. I will tell you that it is so unlikely that this woman will change that you might just as possibly find a unicorn in your back yard tomorrow morning. On the financial/work front, she is showing you who she is. And you said it yourself - lazy. What would happen if you tied yourself to her and something happened to you where you couldn't be the rock for a while? Is she someone who will pick up the slack? Or will she be sitting back passively while the ship sinks (as she appears to be doing while her are gets repo'd)? As for the kids, there are multiple issues here. First off, how did she end up with two "oops" children? Yes, one accident is possible but two? You say she said knew neither father was the one early on so you think she would have doubled down on BC lest a second oops occur. Beyond this is her parenting style, which isn't going to change. She's been parenting for 13 years now - her style is pretty solidly locked. This is a case of what-you-see-is-what-you-get. If this is what you want for your life, go for it. Otherwise, I'd get out, because none of this is going to get better. Thank you. All good points. I do feel as though I know her pretty well at this point and I can say that from what she has shared from past "disasters" I will call them - she IS the time to sit back and watch the ship sink. That does seem like it's what she is doing now. As for the kids, I believe she ended up in the situation she ended up with because of some deep rooted esteem issues. (She was very heavyset for a good part of her life and picked on a lot because of it. She is not small now but much, much smaller than she was for a good part of her life. I think she's perfect the way she is. But she still is very self critical about it etc.) The first kid was with a guy who was basically living a double life - married to someone else and had other kids already. (The wife lived in another state - he was here for 2 years on a work assignment) She suspected something was off for quite a while but found out the complete truth when he suddenly disappeared and she tried to look for him. (They did not live together) He has since been married FOUR more times so...yeah. She has said that while she did have feelings for him, those started to change when she started to figure out who he really was. What he has put her through since made her hate the man, which I can see why because he really did her wrong. The 2nd guy she said she wasn't really into much but he seemed stable and embraced her having another kid already so she got involved. That 2nd kid was not planned either. She admits that she didn't necessarily want to have it but he insisted he would be there and help etc and so on. She also comes from a very religious family so the pressure was on to "suck it up and try to make this one work.” So she stayed even though she wasn't invested. He ended up cheating on her with an ex girlfriend while they were together and that girl got pregnant also (my GF's kid with this guy was only about 3 months old at the time I believe) So that gave her an out and she left him. She's not had a long term relationship since so she was alone for a long time. I will say this - for a while she got a lot of support from her family so that's how she made it this far. She's got 2 older brothers and 2 sisters, and also her mom helped her a lot. Everyone has moved away to make their own life now though and her mom passed away 3 years ago. So that's where everything really started to fall apart. I think in my mind, I agree that none of this is going to change...it's just difficult to accept sometimes because as I say, I do love her. I want to help her, and she has said to be before that she knows she can't go on like this forever. But I can't help her without effort from her, so... Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Sorry man, didn't read much of this. I know good ones are hard to find but do you have any other choices? Thanks. That is definitely true. I did date a few women before her but I just didn't connect with them the way I did with this one. Since we have been together, I have not been talking to or seeing anyone else at all.
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 My opinion? Run! You cannot fix her problems. She made the choices to get to this point in her life and, honestly, at this stage in your relationship with her, if she wanted to change her circumstances, she would have done so. It sounds like she can change her circumstances, she merely chooses not to do so. That is her choice. You can be her "cheerleader" all you want and try to motivate her, etc. Believe me, being a cheerleader gets old real quick. It is already getting old as you are posting here. And, on top of it all, you are losing respect for her. In my opinion, once you lose respect for your partner, the relationship is over. Just my thoughts . . . Thanks. That is what the few friends I have shared the details of the situation have said too...but my friends/family are going to have biased opinions of course. I wanted to hear some objective opinions from people who don't know either of us so that's what brought me here (I've read here in the past and seen some good advice...) Agree on the cheerleader part and I will admit that it IS already getting old. And extremely frustrating too.
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Adam MC, You seem like a nice guy so I will say to you, kindly, do not get any more involved with this. You need a nice lady who has a similar outlook, who can be an equal partner to you and support you in your endeavours. You won't find her while you are involved with all this mish-mash. I'm sorry. x Thank you Arieswoman. Coincidentally, I am an Aries too. A typical one - driven, tenacious, always wanting better and not afraid to "go for it". So admittedly, I struggle to understand why she is like this.
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 You do seem like a very nice man, very responsible wih a good head on your shoulders. So, it is with much kindness that I say that if you move in together there will be even less incentive for this woman to get a job and you will make it even easier for her to continue this lifestyle. Your future will be full of conflict - related to financial issues, division of labour, and differing perspective on how to raise your children. She is grown adult. It is hard to believe that someone could be so unmotivated and irresponsible but if she hasn't done anything to change in the past year, you must expect that she won't do anything different in the future. And, if she did get a job, it would probably be short lived. She has shown you who she is... you would be wise to believe her. 3
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Yeah personally l don't think much will change but some credit at least for keeping her kids safe and well ,that's a huge job mostly alone. one thing , l know she probably doesn't wanna work more bc for one she'd probably lose too much of her child payment but also being the sole parent , she's gotta be there for them. it's just a few thoughts. ld also be thinking she's already tangled up with two guys and kids , thinking she's very hesitant about risking complications with another one and so she won't take the money or the car , not yet ir's too soon . I do definitely give her credit. Those kids are a handful. At the same time, I do think she would make her own job easier if she enforced some rules with them, especially the smaller one. From what I understand she has always received the same amount of child support from the fathers. The older one's didn't pay a dime for the first 8 years of the kid's life because the state could not find him. He's behind needless to say and even now will go through a period where he won't pay until his license is suspended and then he will. The other one pays fairly consistently but he pays much less because he earns less and has several other kids too. So it's a complicated situation. Since we have been together I have treaded really lightly when offering to help. In the beginning she would not tell me what kinds of issues she was having, probably because she didn't want to scare me away...not sure. Now she will take help when I offer it. But the car issue is an expensive problem to fix...and part of the reason why I think she is refusing is honestly because of stubbornness. She asked my advice on how to handle it - I gave it - and she ignored it and did what she was gonna do anyway...which thus far has not resolved anything.
Whodatdog Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 One of the major red flags against relationships working is being on very different financial pages, which you two are. I dont see any place where she's taking responsibility for her own actions. She has 2 kids, and no working car? She doesnt work? What would happen if you dropped dead tomorrow, who would pick up her pieces? I think if you are serious about a long term relationship with you, you have to pull the net and let her take care of herself and her family on her own. She needs a car, and she needs to work. She can't rely on her family and whoever in a relationship with her at the time to be her safety net.
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Since we have been together I have treaded really lightly when offering to help. But the car issue is an expensive problem to fix...and part of the reason why I think she is refusing is honestly because of stubbornness. She asked my advice on how to handle it - I gave it - and she ignored it and did what she was gonna do anyway...which thus far has not resolved anything. Another big red flag. If you were to move in together and take your relationship further, you really deserve to have a partner with whom you can communicate, who will be considerate of your opinions, and who will work to resolve issues together... whether it relates to the children, the car, or household jobs and finances. Obviously, at the end of the day, any decision about her children or her car are hers to make... But you don't want to feel like you need to tread lightly or feel like she doesn't do something out of spite or stubbornness. I'm sure she is a lovely woman, but there are so many red flags here. Be careful. 1
Author AdamMC Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 One of the major red flags against relationships working is being on very different financial pages, which you two are. I dont see any place where she's taking responsibility for her own actions. She has 2 kids, and no working car? She doesnt work? What would happen if you dropped dead tomorrow, who would pick up her pieces? I think if you are serious about a long term relationship with you, you have to pull the net and let her take care of herself and her family on her own. She needs a car, and she needs to work. She can't rely on her family and whoever in a relationship with her at the time to be her safety net. Thank you. To some extent I have pulled back in some ways already even though I didn't realize that's what I was doing until just the last couple of weeks. I think it comes from the fact that I have bailed her out of a number of jams already - but she keeps getting into them. Some she tells me about; others I find out when it's already too late because something has been shut off, etc and so on. I try really hard to understand her situation and be supportive. But it's really hard to do that when I see her being irresponsible. The reason my marriage ended was because my ex wife was similar (though not as bad and towards the end she did try more but it was too little, too late.) I finally got tired of carrying her through life that I ended it. (We were married for 15 years) So now I see the same thing happening and the first instinct is to end it now before I invest more. But as I said, I do love her a great deal. I don't want to hurt her in any way. So I'm in a tough position.
Whodatdog Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 You can stay in a relationship with her, just pull the financial support. Simply tell her you cant afford to help her as much as you have been, and you are sure she will understand. That way you will also be able to tell if she's in a relationship with you because you can pay her way or not. She HAS to take care of herself and those kids, its her responsibility, no one elses. Pull the net. And puh-lease dont even consider moving in together. 2
MountainGirl111 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Well, opposites can attract at times...but then when relationships become more long term, involved, and reality of everyday life sets in, being opposite in some key issues can be a big wedge. You basically said she's lazy in the career and financial dept. If you feel this way about her NOW, I can predict the respect factor for her is going to decline unless she changes. And with the decline of respect also goes a decline in the relationship. Good relationships need to have a certain amount of respect. If there is little or no respect, it really affects how people treat one another and I'm not saying you would mistreat her or abuse her per se but I can see some key issues here being a wedge and possibly causing resentment...resentment can kill intimacy. No matter how "beautiful" a person is, physical beauty will only carry you so far. There are many other things that make a person attractive.
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