No "official" goodbye before leaving on vacation.

[Ultraviolence]

This is more of an LDR thing. I've known her for 6 years now.

 

Is it ok that I'm offended (hurt) because she didn't give me an official goodbye before leaving for vacation for 2 months? I tried saying goodbye to her the night before because It really seems like I ****ing know her better than she knows herself. I said you'll probably be busy at the airport with your friends and she said no, I'll talk to you there.

 

We did exchange intimate feelings about how we would miss each other days before but is that really enough? At the airport she was talking to me very briefly (like 1 or 2 quick msgs) and I just knew she was going to leave without saying anything (she did say goodbye to me on her last vacation around 2 years ago).

 

I wrote a goodbye message to her an hour before her flight but she never checked or replied. This is like poison for my mind for the next how many ever ****ing days.

 

Why does it have to be like this? It's enough to make me want to end things but then it feels like im BEING ****ING SELFISH. Am I being ****ing selfish here? Am I being stupid, overreacting? Am I being a needy piece of ****?

 

It just seems reckless to me to not say goodbye before you get on a very long flight. I know how I sound here but I think I did deserve a real goodbye at the very least.

 

The part I struggle with the most is when she gets back and starts talking to me, how am I supposed to act happy? I should be extremely happy to hear from her, I'm supposed to tell her how much I missed her like I told her in my goodbye message that she never bothered to check.

 

I REALLY feel like leaving her a note right now that tells her how I feel but the thing is, shes on god damn vacation. What kind of ***hole would I be if she got that kind of message while on vacation? She's supposed to be having a good time and to potentially take that away from her is the last thing I want to do.

 

I'm supposed to be working on a birthday gift and this really drained my motivation but I decided I have to still do it. Maybe you guys can help me avoid this turning disastrous. To be honest I feel like a ****ing cuck and a cuck is the last thing I'll damn well be.

 

Please guide me here. I ****ing hate making threads like this because it just doesn't feel right, to her at least. Thanks in advance for any advice or constructive criticism on who I am as a human being.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Ultraviolence

[Whodatdog]

So you're going to stew and have a fit over this for 2 months because you feel you didnt get a proper good bye? You've been together for 6 years, is it really worth having a hissy fit over? I can't imagine how you'd react if you two had a real problem.

[Ultraviolence]

So you're going to stew and have a fit over this for 2 months because you feel you didnt get a proper good bye? You've been together for 6 years, is it really worth having a hissy fit over? I can't imagine how you'd react if you two had a real problem.

 

I know how it sounds but I don't think I'm being delusional about it. The point I'm trying to make is that something could very easily happen to her and to not have a goodbye seems very reckless/uncaring. We have had a real problem before and I just let it completely go because I care for her too much. Sometimes it just feels like this is turning into a one way street.

[preraph]

You sound clingy and very insecure.

[basil67]

What does an 'official goodbye' consist of? To me, it would consist of a proper hug, a promise to keep in contact and wishing them well on the last time you see them. But that's because I'm not a gushy, emotional person.

 

I'd probably get annoyed if a person got mad at me for not being all emotional about something like this.

[Spartakooty]

Yep overreacting a bit. What I don't get is you say you've 'known' her for 6 years...you're a full fledged couple then? Together for 6 years? A 2 month break will be good for you both I suspect. However, it seems odd that someone in an established relationship would want to go away for 2 months, but maybe that's just me...and maybe it's not that odd.

[Ronnys93]

What does an 'official goodbye' consist of? To me, it would consist of a proper hug, a promise to keep in contact and wishing them well on the last time you see them. But that's because I'm not a gushy, emotional person.

 

I'd probably get annoyed if a person got mad at me for not being all emotional about something like this.

 

I'm an emotional and gushy person and I think that your examples are what I'd expect a proper goodbye to be.

 

This sounds more like insecurity.

[Ultraviolence]

I understand I'm going a little overboard here but that's what I wanted to confirm. I just thought saying goodbye before boarding a few flights, and 1 or 2 more after that that could potentially crash plus going to a third world country where anything could happen would be the least someone could do.

 

I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. What's the point in caring for someone very deeply in this ****ed and crazy world if they're going to act like it's not.

 

Should I just start caring less then and become unclingy? To me that's being more selfish than being upset over something "small" like what I talked about.

 

It just feels like **** to write a caring message and it goes unread. It's so frustrating that this has to be like a game. I get to be the ***hole just for wanting a caring goodbye. It really is the least that could have been done. I don't feel like I'm wrong here.

 

It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me.

[Ronnys93]

I understand I'm going a little overboard here but that's what I wanted to confirm. I just thought saying goodbye before boarding a few flights, and 1 or 2 more after that that could potentially crash plus going to a third world country where anything could happen would be the least someone could do.

 

I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. What's the point in caring for someone very deeply in this ****ed and crazy world if they're going to act like it's not.

 

Should I just start caring less then and become unclingy? To me that's being more selfish than being upset over something "small" like what I talked about.

 

It just feels like **** to write a caring message and it goes unread. It's so frustrating that this has to be like a game. I get to be the ***hole just for wanting a caring goodbye. It really is the least that could have been done. I don't feel like I'm wrong here.

 

It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me.

 

It's not that you care so deeply for her and love her that is the issue. The intensity in your post and the anxiety that is riddled within your post is just unhealthy. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with loving someone very deeply. However, when it causes us to get upset over things like this we have to ask ourselves whether that's really the love speaking, or is there something else going on that's triggering the anxious emotion within us.

[elaine567]

There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump a puddle for you.

[basil67]

I understand I'm going a little overboard here but that's what I wanted to confirm. I just thought saying goodbye before boarding a few flights, and 1 or 2 more after that that could potentially crash plus going to a third world country where anything could happen would be the least someone could do.

 

I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. What's the point in caring for someone very deeply in this ****ed and crazy world if they're going to act like it's not.

 

Should I just start caring less then and become unclingy? To me that's being more selfish than being upset over something "small" like what I talked about.

 

It just feels like **** to write a caring message and it goes unread. It's so frustrating that this has to be like a game. I get to be the ***hole just for wanting a caring goodbye. It really is the least that could have been done. I don't feel like I'm wrong here.

 

It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me.

 

You're sounding very, very dramatic. The odds of dying in a plane crash are extraordinarily low. The odds of something happening to her in a third world country are probably no different to where you live. And why should we be expected to act like the world is crazy? Why not just live a happy simple life with the knowledge that the odds of something happening are actually very low.

 

It's not about caring less. It's about being a bit more rational and avoiding unnecessary drama. One can care very deeply but not make a song and dance about it all.

 

This text you wrote and she ignored....what exactly did you write to her?

[Ultraviolence]

*In response to everyone*

 

She didn't read it or make any last effort to message me before her flight took off. That honestly shouldn't be a big deal. It takes not even 30 seconds inside the actual airplane (let alone the airport) to send that message. 30 seconds. I've been trying to convince myself that maybe I'm wrong but the more I think about it and read my message, the more it's actually starting to affect me.

 

I know I sound crazy, insecure, clingy but I think when you really care about someone, you would make the effort to say goodbye, in the airport, or in the airplane. I think everyone here would. I know I would. So when that doesn't happen to me. I think it means I should get ready to stop crossing oceans for someone that wouldn't jump in a puddle for me.

 

I appreciate the help though, I don't want to make a mistake here. It's just that when my feelings are hurt I can't pretend to be happy. I don't want to cause unnecessary drama. I always avoid it but it ends up coming out in the way I talk or act.

 

If you guys can help me through this, I would be grateful. Whether that means I'm not thinking straight and not ready to be with someone or if I should talk to her about it (that ends up making me look like a selfish prick).

 

I think in the end what all of this means is I just love her more than she cares about me. The more I begin to figure that out, the more I don't know if I can keep doing this.

 

But I really believe in this quote:

 

Anyone can love you when things are alright. It takes courage to

love when things are not good and it does not feel right.

[elaine567]

OK we need some facts and history here.

This a LDR, but is this an online LDR and you have never actually met or is this a LTR that has recently gone LDR or something else?

 

Why is she taking a 2 month vacation without you, if you are in a "serious" relationship?

 

How old are you and how old is she?

Are you in an LDR where she lives in the next state, or half way across the world? Is there a cultural divide?

What are your plans for the future? Is it an open ended LDR with no plans for a permanent meet up or are you going to be together in the near future?

[Ultraviolence]

OK we need some facts and history here.

This a LDR, but is this an online LDR and you have never actually met or is this a LTR that has recently gone LDR or something else?

 

Why is she taking a 2 month vacation without you, if you are in a "serious" relationship?

 

How old are you and how old is she?

Are you in an LDR where she lives in the next state, or half way across the world? Is there a cultural divide?

What are your plans for the future? Is it an open ended LDR with no plans for a permanent meet up or are you going to be together in the near future?

 

The only thing I think I've given on history so far is "It's an LDR type thing". Right now this is more of an open ended LDR, nothing has been planned. Only talked about briefly through out the years. We were supposed to meet up last year but we didn't go through with it because she wasn't ready (this should have ended there). I know how this sounds. It's just that to me we share something special that I know she won't find with someone else. We both are complicated people. I'm mid twenties, shes a few years off from me.

 

At this point, I either drop us or drop being so committed to her. The only thing is 'all or nothing' really makes the most sense to me. If I'm not supposed to care about her as much as I do, I don't know how to ease off from that. It's just going to cause problems. It's just sad to think that right now when she gets back I'm not going to be how she would expect me to be.

 

I'll probably just have to end up talking to her about this, which I really hate that I have to. I'm not going to blame her, it's just that I'm too attached to her.

[Whodatdog]

This doesnt sound like caring, this sounds like control. You saying something could happen to her is hogwash. She probably has more chance of being in a car wreck then something happening to her on vacation.

 

You are way overboard on this, and likely your clingy and control attitude will do more harm than good with her, if it hasnt already. You need to back waaaay down and get a grip on yourself. This isnt a healthy relationship on your part.

[elaine567]

... it's just that I'm too attached to her.

 

And on what actual basis is what you need to ask yourself

[Ultraviolence]

This doesnt sound like caring, this sounds like control. You saying something could happen to her is hogwash. She probably has more chance of being in a car wreck then something happening to her on vacation.

 

You are way overboard on this, and likely your clingy and control attitude will do more harm than good with her, if it hasnt already. You need to back waaaay down and get a grip on yourself. This isnt a healthy relationship on your part.

 

I know I have issues but I don't think I am all wrong on this. The bottom line of this entire mess of a thread is this: you yourself would text someone you cared a lot about right before your airplane took off, right? I 1000% would and everyone else here would. I don't understand why I couldn't at least have gotten that.

 

She specifically told me the night before she would talk to me at the airport after I said you probably will be busy. She got my hopes up.

 

I'll admit I have insecurities but I don't feel like I'm trying to control her, I just feel hurt by this and want to make sense of it. I am clingy and will work on that, it's something that I've thought about for a little while now.

 

The reason why I mentioned being afraid of something bad happening is because of articles like the london attacks where some guy lost the love of his life just from being at the wrong place at the wrong time. That guy is emotionally destroyed. He can't eat, sleep, and even process anything. It's things like that that scare the hell out of me and make me think a simple goodbye is completely necessary and not much to ask for.

 

I appreciate the advice, I will work on myself.

[basil67]

And I ask again, what did you write in the text? If it was needy, it would explain her not replying.

 

Or what if she didn't see the text? Her phone might have been off/dead/in the bottom of her purse. Or the message is lost in cyberspace and will arrive 12hrs late. This stuff happens all.the.time. I can't begin to count messages which I've sent/received which had a delay in transmission.

 

And no, I don't need to say goodbye to my husband from the airport. I give him a hug when I leave home and that's it. Same when he goes away. Why does a person need two goodbyes?

[Ultraviolence]

And I ask again, what did you write in the text? If it was needy, it would explain her not replying.

 

Or what if she didn't see the text? Her phone might have been off/dead/in the bottom of her purse. Or the message is lost in cyberspace and will arrive 12hrs late. This stuff happens all.the.time. I can't begin to count messages which I've sent/received which had a delay in transmission.

 

And no, I don't need to say goodbye to my husband from the airport. I give him a hug when I leave home and that's it. Same when he goes away. Why does a person need two goodbyes?

 

She didn't read the text because she didn't care enough to. I won't get to speak to her for around 2 months. I mean if I was actually trying to control her or if I was out of control, this thread would be about that, but I do respect her privacy. So I barely got a goodbye in the first place. I just expected a proper one since I most likely won't be hearing from her in 2 months.

 

edit: and to answer what was in the text. It was 100% not needy, it was telling her that she was going to have an amazing time, that I would miss her very much, etc.

Edited June 17, 2017 by Ultraviolence

[Ronnys93]

She didn't read the text because she didn't care enough to. I won't get to speak to her for around 2 months. I mean if I was actually trying to control her or if I was out of control, this thread would be about that, but I do respect her privacy. So I barely got a goodbye in the first place. I just expected a proper one since I most likely won't be hearing from her in 2 months.

 

edit: and to answer what was in the text. It was 100% not needy, it was telling her that she was going to have an amazing time, that I would miss her very much, etc.

 

It was likely needy. And since we don't know the exact contents I'm just going to assume, because you blatantly assumed she didn't read her text because she didn't care enough to. How do you KNOW that she didn't read the text specifically because she didn't care enough?

 

Like the other poster said, this is clingy and controlling behavior. It's riddled with anxiety and insecurities. You can't make anyone do anything, and you can't say simply because YOU would do something that they should too. Life and relationships in general just don't work that way.

 

In fact, if you have been controlling or needy for the past few months within the relationship it's possible she could have been distancing herself and may be an answer for why she didn't even read the text. You need to like you said work on yourself, and just let her do her thing. Work on actually meeting up.

 

I have a feeling that your anxiety and insecurity is bottling up because you haven't met her in person yet. You're tired of waiting/the chase is killing you. You probably feel like you care more than she does. Either meet up SOON or drop it. If she's not ready well then neither are you to commit to any kind of relationship with her. Don't wait around for someone who "isn't ready".

[d0nnivain]

You can be hurt. That is OK. I certainly wouldn't be thrilled if my SO was going away for 2 months & didn't give me a bunch of attention before he left.

 

What you probably shouldn't do is lash out & end things in a snit while you are upset.

 

 

Calm down. When you can get in contact with her, tell her that her blowing you off, not texting from the AP when she said she would, hurt your feelings. Don't make it about her failure but about your response to the behavior (being overlooked). See how she responds. If she's truly sorry or something happened on the way to the AP get over it. If she dismisses your feelings & concerns, reevaluate the relationship.

[Ultraviolence]

Thanks guys, sorry I was being stubborn. We can end this thread here now. I'll take everyone's advice.

 

It's just hard as time goes on the more it hurts. I know according to some here I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.

 

I think it does say something that on her last vacation, around a few years ago, she did make it a priority to talk to me before she left, I was just expecting that.

 

I'll have to talk to her now which sucks but I need to figure this out. Thanks for the help.

 

edit:

 

If it makes anyone feel better, I think I'm just going to let this go, and blame it all on my insecurities. I'll try to do better next time. In a way I hate to go against my instincts because I'm afraid of something worse happening in the future.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Ultraviolence