Braytc Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) Me (23 male) her (23 female) There's a girl that I've been talking to for a few weeks on social media and started to text her about a week ago. Just to keep things short, she said what she thought about me and I told her what I thought about her and we're both looking to eventually have a serious committed relationship. Let's just say we both are attracted to eachother and she wants to do something this weekend. We have plans meeting tomorrow and she messaged me this tonight: "I just think I should tell you this before anything happens. There's a guy I've been seeing since February kind of as a friends with benefits type of thing and not sure if it's going anywhere but I do see him regularly. I don't know if this changes your opinion of me but I wanted to be out there open about this." I said like,... "okay. it really just depends, what were you expecting between us this whole time?" She said "i know you were looking for something serious and so am I. Obviously if we meet and hit it off, I would cut off anyone else. I'm just sort of afraid of commitment right now because of my past experiences" Recap: Without me really saying much, she's the one telling me how "Good I look" and giving me her number to text her without me even asking for it. I didn't really initiate much at all, she started it all which really has this whole thing feeling weird. What the hell is this? I don't even know what to feel, I kind of feel like if I see her I won't even be happy at all after hearing this and kind of pissy inside. To be honest, I'm not even shocked the slightest by these girls anymore. Just not sure If I should even waste my time getting invested in something like this. It just feels weird she'd be doing this with a guy for how many months and seeing him all the time yet wants to basically "Try me out" or something while knowing this the entire time. Idk if that's what you're getting also from this. Thanks! Edited June 16, 2017 by Braytc
nirvanax90 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Me (23 male) her (23 female) There's a girl that I've been talking to for a few weeks on social media and started to text her about a week ago. Just to keep things short, she said what she thought about me and I told her what I thought about her and we're both looking to eventually have a serious committed relationship. Let's just say we both are attracted to eachother and she wants to do something this weekend. We have plans meeting tomorrow and she messaged me this tonight: "I just think I should tell you this before anything happens. There's a guy I've been seeing since February kind of as a friends with benefits type of thing and not sure if it's going anywhere but I do see him regularly. I don't know if this changes your opinion of me but I wanted to be out there open about this." I said like,... "okay. it really just depends, what were you expecting between us this whole time?" She said "i know you were looking for something serious and so am I. Obviously if we meet and hit it off, I would cut off anyone else. I'm just sort of afraid of commitment right now because of my past experiences" Recap: Without me really saying much, she's the one telling me how "Good I look" and giving me her number to text her without me even asking for it. I didn't really initiate much at all, she started it all which really has this whole thing feeling weird. What the hell is this? I don't even know what to feel, I kind of feel like if I see her I won't even be happy at all after hearing this and kind of pissy inside. To be honest, I'm not even shocked the slightest by these girls anymore. Just not sure If I should even waste my time getting invested in something like this. It just feels weird she'd be doing this with a guy for how many months and seeing him all the time yet wants to basically "Try me out" or something while knowing this the entire time. Idk if that's what you're getting also from this. Thanks! I've been in this situation before and the only reason I am writing is because what I did in my situation worked quite well. I too met my ex girlfriend in a idéntical situation. I appreciated the fact that she was upfront and honest, even though I was bothered. But she was too good to let go, very beautiful smart and responsible person. When she showed me a photo of the guy she was with I was totally inspired to take care away from him, the guy was a total goofball next to her, anyways. It really depends if you want her or not, the fact that she is seeking and dating is because she knows what she's doing with that person is temporary. Make her feel special, make her fall in love with you and she will be yours. Stay confident! 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 It just feels weird she'd be doing this with a guy for how many months and seeing him all the time yet wants to basically "Try me out" or something I'm way older than you two, but yes, this is the way I take it too. "Don't get your hope up too far because I already have something going. But if you're good enough, I"ll drop him!" I'd pass, but that's just me as a 44 year old mom! 4
thefooloftheyear Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) I don't know what to tell you, man....*shrug* This business of "shopping" people is just kind of ridiculous...Its speaks of horrendous indecisiveness and kinda selfish, really...I understand why you would feel the way you do... I say close one door before opening another.... Now, be aware....There will be replies on here(mostly women) that will completely see her side of this...No exclusivity, so she(and you) can do whatever you want...i suppose I can see that side...But I wouldn't play...I'd be out of that game...maybe its a generational thing, as I am older than you by a decent amount..Just seems to reek Beta of any guy that would stand back and allow that...but thats me.. I often wonder how that works....Does she say..."hey, Im gonna see Joe on Friday and he's gonna do me, because I am not quite sure about us yet....we'll see how it goes though"....GTFOH! But I gotta say something else here as well.. How in God's name can you be "looking forward to a committed relationship" with someone that you haven't even met yet?? TFY Edited June 16, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 4
Poutrew Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 If she told me what she told you, I'd text her this: "I'm so glad you are being upfront and honest with me. I'm not into serial meetups, so I think I'll just have to pass on things for now. Have a great life!" Then go NC. You don't want to be anyone's 2nd banana... 4
Author Braytc Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I don't know what to tell you, man....*shrug* This business of "shopping" people is just kind of ridiculous...Its speaks of horrendous indecisiveness and kinda selfish, really...I understand why you would feel the way you do... I say close one door before opening another.... Now, be aware....There will be replies on here(mostly women) that will completely see her side of this...No exclusivity, so she(and you) can do whatever you want...i suppose I can see that side...But I wouldn't play...I'd be out of that game...maybe its a generational thing, as I am older than you by a decent amount..Just seems to reek Beta of any guy that would stand back and allow that...but thats me.. I often wonder how that works....Does she say..."hey, Im gonna see Joe on Friday and he's gonna do me, because I am not quite sure about us yet....we'll see how it goes though"....GTFOH! But I gotta say something else here as well.. How in God's name can you be "looking forward to a committed relationship" with someone that you haven't even met yet?? TFY That's exactly why I'm here. Because to me and my instinct, It feels like I'm going to put time and energy into this just on the inside I'm going to feel a little awkward or pissy or unhappy that I've been strung along this whole texting phase. She said they stopped talking for a while so she wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning or not, but then things started back up with them. So I'm sitting here like...why LET those things start back up? Before knowing this, I really like her. And I'm SUPER picky. From her looks to her personality when she calls me. At the same time it's hard to think that a girl i have never met, is willing to tell me those things, and still willing to see me. Like there has to be a reason, as if she is truthful and ready to actually start something real and new. If she wasnt serious about me or have any interest I would think she would either 1. not talk to me (simple) or 2. not even tell me that because that's easy to do too She's like COMPLETELY adamant and persistent on us meeting too. Like completely into the idea of meeting. It just seems like if I wasn't of any interest, why would she bother if she already has something good enough, you know?
Author Braytc Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 (to all posts) The way it sits now, my mind is saying I'm not okay with this and kind of ticked off if anything... but at the same time why would she be so persistent on us meeting? Now that I know what is going on with her, I would hope to believe she knows I'll be like "cyah" at any moment during this if I don't feel right
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 She's like COMPLETELY adamant and persistent on us meeting too. Like completely into the idea of meeting. It just seems like if I wasn't of any interest, why would she bother if she already has something good enough, you know? Because she's not sure if it's good enough. You could look at this two ways...annoyed that you just might be good enough to sway her away from guy#1, or feeling good that she must not be that into him if she's that adamant about meeting you, so you must be better than him. But, if that's so....why even keep him in the wings at all? Why not just break ties with him completely before going out with you? Why does this girl need to have a back-up plan? 2
Author Braytc Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Because she's not sure if it's good enough. You could look at this two ways...annoyed that you just might be good enough to sway her away from guy#1, or feeling good that she must not be that into him if she's that adamant about meeting you, so you must be better than him. But, if that's so....why even keep him in the wings at all? Why not just break ties with him completely before going out with you? Why does this girl need to have a back-up plan? I've never seen a girl so out in the open with it. She literally said to me straight up front to my face "im seeing this guy for a while but I was interested in you now so maybe you can take me away from him" to put it in blunt terms haha. I just really liked her, i'm talking about before all of this. So i dont see how it could hurt to at least talk to her face to face. I just dont see why someone would waste their saturday weekend and energy on me when she has her option right there. Appreciate it! I love getting different points of views and things like this are so helpful. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I've never seen a girl so out in the open with it. She literally said to me straight up front to my face "im seeing this guy for a while but I was interested in you now so maybe you can take me away from him" to put it in blunt terms haha. I just really liked her, i'm talking about before all of this. So i dont see how it could hurt to at least talk to her face to face. I just dont see why someone would waste their saturday weekend and energy on me when she has her option right there. Appreciate it! I love getting different points of views and things like this are so helpful. So then test her.... Tell her you are out....Tell her to call you when she finishes with guy 1 and don't contact her again... I don't know why you are surprised....You are playing along, so she really has nothing to lose, juggling guys around... Does she know what you look like even?? Maybe she likes you, but she's more attracted to him physically.. TFY 1
Author Braytc Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 So then test her.... Tell her you are out....Tell her to call you when she finishes with guy 1 and don't contact her again... I don't know why you are surprised....You are playing along, so she really has nothing to lose, juggling guys around... Does she know what you look like even?? Maybe she likes you, but she's more attracted to him physically.. TFY I'm in no way emotionally invested in this at all. I just want to treat it like a regular day out and see what she's about. I'm not going to sit here and talk words with her all day through voice or typing. I want to see it. I see no harm in doing that at least. And of course she knows what i look like, like i said in my original post
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 If I was about to meet someone who told me that they had been screwing/dating another person since February, and were just seeing how it goes with them, I wouldn't have any interest in pursuing anything further. Who has times for these sorts of games? The fact that she provided you with that information indicates that there are obviously feelings involved, at least on her side. She wouldn't have told you otherwise. Just look at all the "Can I turn my FWB into a relationship / Does he like me more than just a FWB" threads on this forum to get an insight into what goes on. If it were just about sex, she could have put him on the back burner, but she is making it clear that it is more important than that, which is hardly a fair way to start things off with you. I imagine that if you end up really liking her it will stir up negative feelings, wondering when she is off having sex with this other guy after your dates or when she doesn't answer phone for a while. After all, she has made it clear the have sex regularly so it isn't an unreasonable thought. I guess it just sounds too problematic. You have to decide if you think it is worth the risk. 3
MeadowFlower Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Can I just say, not saying wether it's right or wrong, but hasn't anyone ever liked two people to varying degrees at the same time before? Or been interested in both and can't choose? 1
preraph Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Well, at least she was honest with you and you know this is not for you, so be honest with her and tell her you think you'll pass. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Can I just say, not saying wether it's right or wrong, but hasn't anyone ever liked two people to varying degrees at the same time before? Or been interested in both and can't choose? Good point, but coming right out and telling person #2 this is a bit odd. From her perspective, how would it HELP anything? What's her motive? And if she isn't that into guy#1 why even tell guy#2 about it? And is she even being truthful about the extent of it or just playing CYA in case someone finds out because he's actually her boyfriend? I just know if I was about to go on a first date with a guy and he said, "Oh, just wanted to let you know I regularly hook up with another woman and I'm not going to stop unless you offer me something better" I would thank him for telling me and cancel the date.
MeadowFlower Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 (edited) Good point, but coming right out and telling person #2 this is a bit odd. From her perspective, how would it HELP anything? What's her motive? And if she isn't that into guy#1 why even tell guy#2 about it? And is she even being truthful about the extent of it or just playing CYA in case someone finds out because he's actually her boyfriend? I just know if I was about to go on a first date with a guy and he said, "Oh, just wanted to let you know I regularly hook up with another woman and I'm not going to stop unless you offer me something better" I would thank him for telling me and cancel the date. She may have felt that she SHOULD tell him. And she may like guy 2 to some extent or see him logically as an option, but she may not have as much feelings/interest for him. She may have interest in both. Edited June 17, 2017 by MeadowFlower 2
thefooloftheyear Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Good point, but coming right out and telling person #2 this is a bit odd. From her perspective, how would it HELP anything? What's her motive? And if she isn't that into guy#1 why even tell guy#2 about it? And is she even being truthful about the extent of it or just playing CYA in case someone finds out because he's actually her boyfriend? I just know if I was about to go on a first date with a guy and he said, "Oh, just wanted to let you know I regularly hook up with another woman and I'm not going to stop unless you offer me something better" I would thank him for telling me and cancel the date. I know this isn't what the OP wants to hear, but my feeling is that if she really felt strongly at the prospects of being with him, she would have ditched guy 1 and never said a word about it.... .02 TFY 1
OnlyHonesty Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 "I just think I should tell you this before anything happens. There's a guy I've been seeing since February kind of as a friends with benefits type of thing and not sure if it's going anywhere but I do see him regularly. I don't know if this changes your opinion of me but I wanted to be out there open about this." Here is how I heard that above dialogue... There's a guy Ive been trying to get something serious with since February but it turned into a fwb thing. It's not really going anywhere but we screw when we feel or need to. I don't know if you think less of me for this (projection), but I wanted you to know that you are another possible option to get something more serious with. If we get on, I can finally get some commitment and will ditch the other guy (but he will still be around just in case things don't work out). If your self esteem is low enough to put up with this, or you don't have any better options, we can meet up very soon and see how it goes! 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I know this isn't what the OP wants to hear, but my feeling is that if she really felt strongly at the prospects of being with him, she would have ditched guy 1 and never said a word about it.... .02 TFY I think that's what I was trying to say, but you said it much more succinctly . 1
MeadowFlower Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 She may have felt that she SHOULD tell him. And she may like guy 2 to some extent or see him logically as an option, but she may not have as much feelings/interest for him. She may have interest in both. That was speaking with another situation in mind.
Imajerk17 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 (edited) So, was she expecting you to meet up w her and do the Pick Me Dance to try to win her over from her FWB? That sure wouldn't sound good to me! Meanwhile self-respect is really attractive. I'd tell her that you don't like to overlap relationships and to let you know when she is done with this other guy. Edited June 17, 2017 by Imajerk17 2
Author Braytc Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 Good point, but coming right out and telling person #2 this is a bit odd. From her perspective, how would it HELP anything? What's her motive? And if she isn't that into guy#1 why even tell guy#2 about it? And is she even being truthful about the extent of it or just playing CYA in case someone finds out because he's actually her boyfriend? I just know if I was about to go on a first date with a guy and he said, "Oh, just wanted to let you know I regularly hook up with another woman and I'm not going to stop unless you offer me something better" I would thank him for telling me and cancel the date. I was talking to someone on another forum. They had a different point of view to share. They said: "I just think I should tell you this before anything happens. There's a guy I've been seeing since February kind of as a friends with benefits type of thing and not sure if it's going anywhere but I do see him regularly. I don't know if this changes your opinion of me but I wanted to be out there open about this." What she really means is: "I want to see if you'll get upset/jealous about this because I want to know if you really care about me. I want to see if you'll just use me for sex just like this guy and every other guy out there, or if you're being genuine when you say you care about me. I also want to see if you have a spine and if you'll stick up for yourself." She said "i know you were looking for something serious and so am I. Obviously if we meet and hit it off, I would cut off anyone else. I'm just sort of afraid of commitment right now because of my past experiences" What she means: "I want to know if you're serious about me. I want you to show me that you're a man and won't put up with any BS from me. I am scarred by my past relationships and I want you to help me get over them." At first sure, i was like upset with it. But then I'm like, maybe she just has a different way of doing this than most girl i've dated in the past and she wants to see how I react to her knowing these circumstances. Will i freak out? Am I really into her or so on the edge about her that I just say "cyah" after knowing something like that. Will i continue to pursue her? That's i guess what she is asking. I think i went about it in a very positive way. I didn't say anything that showed that I am now distant from her and don't like her, because she even said "i hope this doesn't change your opinion of me" after she told me that. Also like the first day or two i was talking to her, she mentioned "she's sick of every guy just wanting to hookup. all the guys just want to hookup" So maybe im the first person to sit there and get to know her and have a conversation about nothing but her and me throughout a couple of weeks
Maggie4 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 What she said doesn't even make sense: "Obviously if we meet and hit it off, I would cut off anyone else." and "I'm just sort of afraid of commitment right now because of my past experiences" don't really go together. Back peddling all over the place... Unless she wants you as the new FWB? You need to stand your ground. You do having something to lose if you meet her. She tells you how much she wants to see you, then she hits you with this news to see how compliant you are. Realistically, in the time it takes for both of you to decide whether or not you hit it off (which involves getting to know each other), you'd have developed feelings. It's not like she can mail order two dresses, try them on, return one of them. 2
Author Braytc Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 So, was she expecting you to meet up w her and do the Pick Me Dance to try to win her over from her FWB? That sure wouldn't sound good to me! Meanwhile self-respect is really attractive. I'd tell her that you don't like to overlap relationships and to let you know when she is done with this other guy. This isn't as big of a deal as some people are making it here. Me as myself, I'm going into this with "Zero F's given" if you get my drift. I'm simply here just for the knowledge and future experience. I am in no way shape or form, head over heels for this girl, desperate for this girl, or anything along those lines if we just need to clear that up. I want to see what happens, and that's all. And I want to see what other people think of this. People are talking as if I'm like roped in and completely bought into this and stuff. I have never even met this girl in person. She seems to be interested, and seems to want to want something....i just havent found out yet what that something is. Am i going to be upset and a wreck over this? No, because i have 3 other dates lined up. To be completely honest, im going into this tomorrow with a pessimistic attitude if anything. This isn't as HER giving me a chance, this is ME giving HER a chance. I want to see what happens. And if I feel its 100% games, i'll simply wake up the next morning lol 1
Author Braytc Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 What she said doesn't even make sense: "Obviously if we meet and hit it off, I would cut off anyone else." and "I'm just sort of afraid of commitment right now because of my past experiences" don't really go together. Back peddling all over the place... Unless she wants you as the new FWB? You need to stand your ground. You do having something to lose if you meet her. She tells you how much she wants to see you, then she hits you with this news to see how compliant you are. Realistically, in the time it takes for both of you to decide whether or not you hit it off (which involves getting to know each other), you'd have developed feelings. It's not like she can mail order two dresses, try them on, return one of them. It's really hard to explain what I've been thinking. Technically speaking, I am a random guy about 20 mins away from her that she has never seen. She has wasted countless hours conversing with me, telling me how "Good" i look, and adamantly wanting a date. I'm just a random guy Now the way I look at this, is why? Why bother? If I wasn't interested, or into someone, or looking to settle down at all, I would simply either 1. stop replying to their messages as they fade into thin air or 2. not go through any of this in the first place. Something just feels weird. Out of all the past things I've been through, these girls don't just do this.
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