JHA19 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I don’t even know where to begin with our relationship of 10 months. This July we would have seeing each other a year. We meant through Tinder and at first I everything was very casual with him and we took things very slow. I am a divorced, single mom with limited time on weekends so at first we only saw each other every other weekend. He is 41 years old I am 34. I was his first “relationship” he told me he’s only ever dated a girl for three months and thought she was the one. I remember him telling me that and thinking how can you feel like that so quickly about someone. Anyways I kind of thought that was odd, also to mention he was a virgin up until know. We didn’t get intimate for 7 months. Also he never really asked me to be his girlfriend but around 6 months we both agreed to take down our tinder profiles and after that things seem to progress. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything and he was treating like his girlfriend, we share similar interests and he was the most kind, sweet, caring guy. The one thing that made me feel insecure was that It seemed like I was always the one initiating contact. I talked to him about it and thinking back he never really assured me that he will work better and put effort into it. So I thought that maybe it’s just because of his inexperience with dating? We were enjoying each other so I figured lets just see how things go naturally. For Christmas he bought us tickets to a hockey game the weekend of Valentines Day and we spent the weekend together. It was great....he tells me I’m amazing, beautiful and thinks what we have is going in the right direction. Well during the game I took a selfie of us and posted and tagged him in the photo on Facebook but he didn’t allow it on his wall. I told him that hurt because just a month ago he was at a game with family and he allowed that on his timeline but not mine. Again he didn’t really open up to why or reassure me so I got anxious about it. Like he was ashamed or embarrassed of me. He doesn’t share a whole lot on FB so I tried not to worry about it respected that he is a private person things are going well...I kept thinking why doesn’t he want his family and friends to know about me. He meant my dad and a few good friends knew about him. We ran into friends at a local bar he goes to regularly but didn’t introduce me to them. Then I brought up meeting his family and he tells me that wouldn’t be good.because I was divorced. Also I just found out my friend ran into his brother at a NYE party and brings up the two of us and tells her what relationship, my brother doesn’t have a girlfriend. Ouch. Last month I brought up us being together for almost a year you know the “where is this going” talk and he tells me he’s not sure if I’m the right girl for him and I had a feeling he was going to break up with me I cried and told him I don’t want to break up. and tell him I never felt so strongly for any person in my life etc. I ended up staying the night and the next morning i had a very bad headache and he took care of me acting like nothging happened the night before. We talked about going to a concert the following weekend. He asked me if I want to talk about what happened and I just said that I feel like your ashamed of me and he says and your not happy. But I am happy all I wanted was for him to verbally say No of course I’m not ashamed, etc. Something to ease anxiety. But that was it and he took me back home I thought everything was fine. He tells me I’m ok if your ok. After that day he stops texting me as much and I can just feel like something’s not right so I aksed if he was upset with me and he texts me back saying that the weekend was emotionally draining and that he felt like he was walking on eggshells the whole time afraid that he would say something to hurt me. I told him that I was sorry and that I didn’t try to make him feel that way and that if he wants time or space from me to process everything to let me know and all he says is he thinks he’ll be fine. Oh and that we won’t be going to that concert that it would just put him in touch with his feelings. wth does that mean? At this point I was just so irritated with him. So I called him up. And I don’t get really any anwers. I ask him if he wants to break up and he said he’s not sure of that but won’t he won’t open up to me as to why he’s being so cold with me. A few days go by and I didn’t hear from him. So I asked to meet and we did and I thought maybe he just wants time apart but nope he says he’s overwhelmed and that he can’t do this anymore. I didn’t beg or plead with him just told him that I trusted him with all my heart and thought he was going to be different from the other guys and that he is a *******. Walked away not a word said. Cried hysterically to a friend the whole way home and removed him from FB. A week goes by and I get a text from him asking that he would like to return my stuff I left at his place that he could drop it off at my house or meet sometime. All that I left was a toothbrush and travel size shampo...like wtf!! Was that a excuse to see? Did he miss me? I replied back saying to just throw the stuff away and haven’t heard from him since. That was 3 weeks ago. Was I being needy or put too much pressure on him? I wasn’t asking for a ring or even the word commitment or to move into together. How could he just switch from being so hot to cold. I feel like a crazy person trying to wrap my head around what just happened? I really miss him and can’t stop obssessing about what I should have done to keep him around. Thank you to all who took the time to read all this. I’m looking for support, thoughts to help me let this go.
trailwolf Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 i cant put my finger on it but hes hiding something he dont want u to know about , i would be very cautious with this guy . personnally i would forget about this guy an get on with ur life .
Altair0770 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 A smart poster here mentioned many times - Never date a girl with insecurities. It's the same with men. If his story holds true that he's a virgin at 41, he's insecure and has some problems. Men tend to hide their problems and act like nothings wrong where as women only say nothings wrong and then acts like somethings wrong. Men just tend to ignore it. I don't think your insecurities pushed him away, I think he used you as an ego boost and only used you to boost his self esteem. It's terrible I know, I was in that situation too. Best to ignore him. His insecurities will come back eventually.
Zahara Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Was I being needy or put too much pressure on him? I wasn’t asking for a ring or even the word commitment or to move into together. How could he just switch from being so hot to cold. I feel like a crazy person trying to wrap my head around what just happened? I really miss him and can’t stop obssessing about what I should have done to keep him around. You weren't being needy. You were involved with a man that was emotionally unavailable and stunted. Read up on the different types of attachment and he sounds like an avoidant. Regardless, let him go. You couldn't have done anything to make him stay. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I don’t even know where to begin with our relationship of 10 months. This July we would have seeing each other a year. We meant through Tinder and at first I everything was very casual with him and we took things very slow. I am a divorced, single mom with limited time on weekends so at first we only saw each other every other weekend. He is 41 years old I am 34. I was his first “relationship” he told me he’s only ever dated a girl for three months and thought she was the one. I remember him telling me that and thinking how can you feel like that so quickly about someone. Anyways I kind of thought that was odd, also to mention he was a virgin up until know. We didn’t get intimate for 7 months. Also he never really asked me to be his girlfriend but around 6 months we both agreed to take down our tinder profiles and after that things seem to progress. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything and he was treating like his girlfriend, we share similar interests and he was the most kind, sweet, caring guy. The one thing that made me feel insecure was that It seemed like I was always the one initiating contact. I talked to him about it and thinking back he never really assured me that he will work better and put effort into it. So I thought that maybe it’s just because of his inexperience with dating? We were enjoying each other so I figured lets just see how things go naturally. For Christmas he bought us tickets to a hockey game the weekend of Valentines Day and we spent the weekend together. It was great....he tells me I’m amazing, beautiful and thinks what we have is going in the right direction. Well during the game I took a selfie of us and posted and tagged him in the photo on Facebook but he didn’t allow it on his wall. I told him that hurt because just a month ago he was at a game with family and he allowed that on his timeline but not mine. Again he didn’t really open up to why or reassure me so I got anxious about it. Like he was ashamed or embarrassed of me. He doesn’t share a whole lot on FB so I tried not to worry about it respected that he is a private person things are going well...I kept thinking why doesn’t he want his family and friends to know about me. He meant my dad and a few good friends knew about him. We ran into friends at a local bar he goes to regularly but didn’t introduce me to them. Then I brought up meeting his family and he tells me that wouldn’t be good.because I was divorced. Also I just found out my friend ran into his brother at a NYE party and brings up the two of us and tells her what relationship, my brother doesn’t have a girlfriend. Ouch. Last month I brought up us being together for almost a year you know the “where is this going” talk and he tells me he’s not sure if I’m the right girl for him and I had a feeling he was going to break up with me I cried and told him I don’t want to break up. and tell him I never felt so strongly for any person in my life etc. I ended up staying the night and the next morning i had a very bad headache and he took care of me acting like nothging happened the night before. We talked about going to a concert the following weekend. He asked me if I want to talk about what happened and I just said that I feel like your ashamed of me and he says and your not happy. But I am happy all I wanted was for him to verbally say No of course I’m not ashamed, etc. Something to ease anxiety. But that was it and he took me back home I thought everything was fine. He tells me I’m ok if your ok. After that day he stops texting me as much and I can just feel like something’s not right so I aksed if he was upset with me and he texts me back saying that the weekend was emotionally draining and that he felt like he was walking on eggshells the whole time afraid that he would say something to hurt me. I told him that I was sorry and that I didn’t try to make him feel that way and that if he wants time or space from me to process everything to let me know and all he says is he thinks he’ll be fine. Oh and that we won’t be going to that concert that it would just put him in touch with his feelings. wth does that mean? At this point I was just so irritated with him. So I called him up. And I don’t get really any anwers. I ask him if he wants to break up and he said he’s not sure of that but won’t he won’t open up to me as to why he’s being so cold with me. A few days go by and I didn’t hear from him. So I asked to meet and we did and I thought maybe he just wants time apart but nope he says he’s overwhelmed and that he can’t do this anymore. I didn’t beg or plead with him just told him that I trusted him with all my heart and thought he was going to be different from the other guys and that he is a *******. Walked away not a word said. Cried hysterically to a friend the whole way home and removed him from FB. A week goes by and I get a text from him asking that he would like to return my stuff I left at his place that he could drop it off at my house or meet sometime. All that I left was a toothbrush and travel size shampo...like wtf!! Was that a excuse to see? Did he miss me? I replied back saying to just throw the stuff away and haven’t heard from him since. That was 3 weeks ago. Was I being needy or put too much pressure on him? I wasn’t asking for a ring or even the word commitment or to move into together. How could he just switch from being so hot to cold. I feel like a crazy person trying to wrap my head around what just happened? I really miss him and can’t stop obssessing about what I should have done to keep him around. Thank you to all who took the time to read all this. I’m looking for support, thoughts to help me let this go. He is 41 years old -- I was his first “relationship” - If this is true, it's a red flag because he doesn't know how to have a relationship and you're dodging a bullet. I think it's BS - I think it's a way of managing you down so that you don't expect much from him and he doesn't have to put in much effort. he’s only ever dated a girl for three months -- you're probably seeing why . . . How could he just switch from being so hot to cold -- He didn't change, you just started seeing the real him who doesn't want a relationship and was doing as much as possible to prevent that from happening -- i.e. waiting 7 months for intimacy, letting anyone know he was seeing you and as soon as you started getting too close, he bailed. He was perfectly content with the way things are -- no pressure, no commitment of any kind but still has someone to hang around with and do things with, have sex with no strings. I do have a sneaking suspicion that he's hiding something, but . . . it's moot. He just doesn't want the same thing you want. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 he may have been 41 but he had the social experience of a 17 year old boy & sadly he acted like it some times. I'm sure whatever insecurities you felt didn't help but they were not the cause of his flakiness. The red flag was the fact that he never had a relationship longer than 3 months for 2 decades 1
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 There is a guy I call the Quality Casual Guy. He's great to spend time with, he treats you like a girlfriend but all you really are to him is a plus 1 for things, a companion and sex partner until . . . These guys are really slow to let things develop too as a way to manage down the woman's expectations and not let her get too attached to them. Waiting 7 months for intimacy has me stumped a little, but he may be one of those guys.
Altair0770 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Just a heads up as well, people don't go from being in love with someone to not caring about them in a short amount of time. That generally means they never loved you, only what you provided. Once they saw that supply was gone, they leave.
Whodatdog Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I dont read a single thing in your post where he considered you more than a casual friend. There were lots of red flags right from the start, if you were looking for a serious relationship there. When people tell you who they are, believe them. 1
preraph Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 He was dating you because he hasn't much experience and just was dating you so he'd be dating. He was never that into you because if so, he'd have initiated more. He may just be weak at dating or wanting a love relationship period. I don't know. He was nicer around Valentine's but I mean, what else is he going to be on Valentine's. He sounds like he doesn't even know if he is ready for a relationship, honestly. I doubt it's that much to do with you. He may have some ideal in his head he thinks he can get like a lot of people do, and it takes some years and some experience to understand that "ideal woman" doesn't exist and that there is not one "right" one, but that it's a matter of finding someone you enjoy and working at a relationship. I don't want you taking the responsibility for this. I am quick to peg someone as clingy. I don't know exactly how demanding for attention you might have been on a daily basis, but he didn't bolt until you started wanting some sort of next step commitment, which at a year and with no verbal "exclusivity" commitment, isn't unreasonable. I mean, a nice chat about what you both want for the future might have been in order plus a pledge to only date one another, but he bolted. I'm sorry. Either he isn't ready or he wasn't feeling it (and maybe he just isn't much of a "feeler. Maybe he has issues.)
Author JHA19 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I dont read a single thing in your post where he considered you more than a casual friend. There were lots of red flags right from the start, if you were looking for a serious relationship there. When people tell you who they are, believe them. There were many romantic dates to follow after Valentines Day. And at times in conversation he mentioned us being a couple and even said I love you. I just figured he was showing in ways not words that he adored me. I guess that was just a mixed signal? I always felt like we should connect as friends and everything seemed to be going well. It didn't bother me he never been in a relationship. i didn't want to freak him out. Whatever. I don't get it. He's not with another girl I'm sure of that. Either way I appreciate everyones thought. Even reading back on all of this helps me put things in perspective. He wasn't ever really into me at all. Ever. Which hurts. Ugh
Author JHA19 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 he may have been 41 but he had the social experience of a 17 year old boy & sadly he acted like it some times. I'm sure whatever insecurities you felt didn't help but they were not the cause of his flakiness. The red flag was the fact that he never had a relationship longer than 3 months for 2 decades There were many romantic dates to follow after Valentines Day. And at times in conversation he mentioned us being a couple and even said I love you. I just figured he was showing in ways not words that he adored me. I guess that was just a mixed signal? I always felt like we should connect as friends and everything seemed to be going well. It didn't bother me he never been in a relationship. i didn't want to freak him out. Whatever. I don't get it. He's not with another girl I'm sure of that. Either way I appreciate everyones thought. Even reading back on all of this helps me put things in perspective. He wasn't ever really into me at all. Ever. Which hurts. Ugh Also the last time we meant I asked him if in fact we were ever in a relationship and he said yes at one point we were but lately he was not as excited to see me.
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