PRlover Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) First time poster here. I have a boyfriend who is a 13 hour drive away from me. The history with us is that we met March 2016. It was really more of a casual thing when we first met. Not surprisingly, down the line I ended up developing feelings for him. I wouldn't say I was in love but the feelings were getting stronger. We were spending time together on most weekends and occasionally during the week as well and would check in on each other often. I felt he was a nice, attractive, sweet man who seemed to have good values and was humble. Quite a few characteristics he has I prefer to have in a mate. Anyways, we stopped talking in October of 2016 after I broke contact with him. I let him know I was looking for more for myself and couldn't continue seeing him (since we were clearly just going to be basically friends with benefits). Several months later after not speaking one time he reached out to me January of this year (2017). I was happy to hear from him and he basically stated that he had been thinking about me the whole time and that he had missed me and really wanted to respect my space but at the same time wanted to see me. He also eventually stated in this conversation that he had begun developing feelings for me but didn't say anything about it and felt stupid he had held it in and never talked about it. The sad thing is I had decided to leave the state and work from home in a different state so by the time he contacted me I had just made plans to move in a few months. Surprisingly to me he spent all the time he could with me up until the last minute I left. Literally. He helped me pack my stuff up and even paid for the rental. We spent the last night together on the floor of my empty packed up apartment and the next day I waited til the last possible minute to get on the road as I couldn't bare leaving his house. I cried a lot but finally got in my moving van and got on the road feeling all sorts of ways that I was leaving someone that I clearly had feelings for. I resigned myself to the probability we would likely just fizzle out. I'd been waiting to fall in love again for quite some years so this was not a good feeling. So I move away and he keeps in touch...we talk every day and had been FaceTiming almost nightly. To make a long story short, during one FaceTime we got into a pretty serious discussion and he ended up telling me he was in love with me. I expressed the same feeling. He flew up to see me just a month later in April and we had the most fun I can remember ever having in a long time. I mean, it was an amazing time. Upon returning home he told me even his brother commented on how 'genuinely happy we look together' in the photos he showed him. So what is the problem now? Well, I feel like things are falling off already. We haven't FaceTimed since he left me in April. We only text. He was a huge texter before, but no Facetime. We also say te amo (I love you) daily multiple times a day...but it's been over a week since he's said it I noticed. Also, I told him 3 weeks ago that I could come up to see him and just to give me a date and he hasn't brought up a date yet. It's been two months since we've seen each other. I thought he'd jump at the opportunity and say 'come now!'. Especially since I work from home...I could technically actually come up any time. I texted him 2 weeks ago telling him I had been thinking about us. That I was actually starting to feel like I wasn't sure where we stood and if we were actually 'in' a relationship. I mean, it 'seemed' pretty obvious but also things just started 'feeling' different which is why I brought this up to him. He stated that he loved me and doesn't want anyone else. And that yes, he considered us a couple. I told him the long distance thing is difficult and he agreed. I asked him was he ok with us being long distance and he stated 'yes'...that he preferred I was with him in his city but was ok with things the way they were. I feel like this is harder for me than him and he's the man...I expected he would be pushing more for me to come see him. With no FaceTime lately and very little communication I am starting to feel like I'm not actually in a relationship. To the point where I'm ready to say to him that 'I love you but this isn't working for me." I mean, how can I say I'm in a relationship at this point anyway? It doesn't feel like it. I believe that relationships are two way streets so I don't want to push myself on him by saying "I'm coming up there to see you on this date. Period!" I am the type of woman that needs some kind of indication he does indeed want to see me, but even more importantly, wants to grow things with me...continue to talk more, learn about each other more, spend actual time together. I'm not needy - I just want to see he wants these things because we can't establish something longer term without us both wanting it. I don't know what to do or say right now. Edited June 16, 2017 by PRlover
martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) Hello, I'm sorry you're going through that. He doesn't sound genuinely interested to me, at least not anymore. If he was really interested, he'd jump at the opportunity of you visiting him. He would have been missing you and looking forward to see you again after 2 months. I had been in a long distance relationship myself and it was as real as a relationship with no distance but with the sadness, longing and distance involved. Long distance relationships require a lot of trust, patience and communication. Without communication, things get boring, tiring and it seems like there's no point holding on-it's much easier to find someone closer. I cannot say what's wrong with him, why he's distancing himself like that. Maybe he's having doubts about you too and isn't talking to you properly until he sorts them out or even worse, he likes someone else and is waiting to see how he feels about her and/or you before he makes sudden moves. But this is certainly not the way a relationship survives. You should definitely talk to him and be completely honest with him-the way you talked about it on here. If you're sure he won't be open and honest, make sure you let him know that you won't judge him no matter what-you just want him to tell you the truth so you know where you stand, because his behaviour is making you doubt your relationship with him and whether it's a real one or not. Good luck! Edited June 16, 2017 by martaxch 1
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 The long distance thing isn't working out.....I don't blame him for fading....you are the one that moved away not him.
Author PRlover Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Hello, I'm sorry you're going through that. He doesn't sound genuinely interested to me, at least not anymore. If he was really interested, he'd jump at the opportunity of you visiting him. He would have been missing you and looking forward to see you again after 2 months. I had been in a long distance relationship myself and it was as real as a relationship with no distance but with the sadness, longing and distance involved. Long distance relationships require a lot of trust, patience and communication. Without communication, things get boring, tiring and it seems like there's no point holding on-it's much easier to find someone closer. I cannot say what's wrong with him, why he's distancing himself like that. Maybe he's having doubts about you too and isn't talking to you properly until he sorts them out or even worse, he likes someone else and is waiting to see how he feels about her and/or you before he makes sudden moves. But this is certainly not the way a relationship survives. You should definitely talk to him and be completely honest with him-the way you talked about it on here. If you're sure he won't be open and honest, make sure you let him know that you won't judge him no matter what-you just want him to tell you the truth so you know where you stand, because his behaviour is making you doubt your relationship with him and whether it's a real one or not. Good luck! So before reading this post I had actually had a conversation with him. I basically told him that I'd been thinking about us and how much less we've been talking lately and how unsure I've been about us. I suggested maybe we should consider seeing others and moving on if that's what is best for the two of us although I know we both care very deeply for each other. I told him I respect if that's what he wants and just want us both to be happy. He apologized stating the fall off in communication lately was because of him and he took the blame for all of it. Although I had to take 'some' blame as well...I've been taking a back seat waiting for him to initiate things. I'd been doing this as a gauge to try to measure interest but obviously that wasn't the best thing to do. I know since it's 'year end' time for him at work doing accounting that a lot of stuff is hitting right now and he's overly stressed. He got this way this time last year. Even recently spoke about quitting his job and had typed up a resignation letter. I was a bit prepared he may be a little 'different' than usual around this time due to stress but I wasn't expecting things with us to change. He stated he knows he's been lacking in the communication department lately and that it's stress related and not due to lack of interest or any change in his feelings about me. He went on to say that what he really needs is me there with him. That things are hard without me there and that he needs me to be there physically. I understand. This is an issue we need to talk about more in depth. He has hinted multiple times at me moving back and moving in with him but hasn't quite really come out IMO and explicitly asked me to do so. (Although he doesn't quite come out and say anything explicitly...he's the complete opposite of the word 'direct'.) I mentioned to him these hints and that they were confusing because on one hand it seems he wants me to consider coming back, but on the other hand we 'do' have the option of me visiting in the meantime so we could easily be working on me flying up to visit in the interim so it doesn't make sense we haven't made plans to at least do that. Well he countered by saying that I'd mentioned saving for a house downpayment in my new city both before I left him and recently as well. Which is true...I did mention saving for a house...but in my mind if we don't work out the savings 'will' be for a house for myself here. However, if we do work out that money could just be for us. However I can't go along not making plans for my future without knowing our plans so in the meantime I'm just saving as if there's no 'us' since we haven't sat down and talked about trying to get me back in the same city as him or moving in together or anything to that effect. I can see how the mention of me saving for my own place would be confusing and/or put the idea in his mind I already have plans to move forward alone/without him. The conversation went on a lot longer than what was mentioned above. He told me he recognizes he has communication weaknesses and a strong lean towards passiveness in many areas of his life that is not healthy and I have been helping him to recognize this. We agreed to talk more about our status and he stated he is happy now that we had this discussion and can talk more now about making more positive future plans together. He said he has a lot to 'digest' now and think about in the meantime until we have this 'talk'. I have a lot to think about and consider as well. We shall see. 2
martaxch Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Being stressed out because of work is indeed a good excuse/reason. I would believe him-of course you know better. My boyfriend has this problem as well and I always tell him that being stressed over work related problems shouldn't come between us. When I'm stressed or anxious, I always turn to my boyfriend to make me forget about my daily problems, I don't push him away or stop communicating and that's what I'm hoping he'll do. Your boyfriend should be able to 1) talk about his job and stress so as to get it out (feel better) and also let you know about his life and 2) then leave it behind so you two can have a healthy relationship. Bringing your daily problems into your relationship is never a good thing. You just focus on the stress and anxiety and don't enjoy the nice things that your partner can give or that you two have.
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