She's done it again, LOL!

[GOB]

Posting on a new account, some will twig as to my story.

 

Very long story short, was with a girl for 6 months, no real hiccups, no arguments nothing, she broke up with me giving me no reason, two weeks later she wants me back, very sincere, very honest, she shuts people out when they get too close, we got close, she panics, ends it

 

Explained that she had panicked thought she wanted to be alone realised she missed me and needed to let me in and after some frank and honest discussions I decide to give it another go and initially it's superb. She can't get enough of me, she isn't lovey dovey in the slightest so it was nice to hear nice things and she was relaxed and we flowed and it was great.

 

Things settle back to normal, the buzz and excitement returns to what it was, she's had a stressful time at work and never wanted to do anything, she was always knackered and in a mood, she would apologise about being in a mood and taking it out on me, we had a holiday to her parents abroad coming up so there was a chance to relax, we get there and she's quiet she says that she switches off when she's on holiday, fine by me although when I tried to touch her or have a laugh she wasn't really interested, quite normal for her although even her mum told her to lighten up a bit. Earlier in the month I had been out with her friends and she wouldn't come out even though her friends tried, she had a row with her friend and mum about it because they were annoyed that she's constantly in a mood and doesn't want to do anything. I stuck through her moods with her, sitting and chilling with her, doing things to help. I told her friend that night it annoyed me she wouldn't come out because I know she will turn it on me and say we never do anything and that's exactly what has happened.

 

We get back and some major surgery she has to have has been brought forward 10 days so it's now in 2 weeks time, she's understandably stressed about it and bails on plans with my friends to see hers, annoying but she's a free woman, doesn't want me to stay that night, Saturday she has a night in and I have a few beers and ask her if she wants company, no she doesn't, Sunday I ask her if she wants to get food, no, she's already eaten so I say I'm coming down for a chat and ask if everything's alright, she says she's stressed about her operation, I tell her I'm here for her and not to shut me out, she says she's always dealt with things alone and I tell her she doesn't need to and it's hard for me to understand but I say fair enough and leave.

 

Two days later I get a text saying that she's sorry to do this again but we are too different and want different things, I go and collect my stuff and later talk, she says we want different things, she doesn't want looking after, I told her I'm not trying to look after her just want to be there and if that's a deal breaker for her then she's made the right decision, she mentioned that she saw her cousin and his girlfriend on holiday all lovey dovey, they've been together a month, and we had never been like that (why was she with me) I told her it was the second time I had met her family, I can hardly slap her bum and push her in the pool that she should have made me more comfortable, I got along with everyone just felt awkward around her. 10 days ago on holiday I had been discussing moving in with her with her and her mum and dad.

 

I told her that it's her issue and she has tto let in, she can't pick people up and drop them when she wants, that I tried to make effort and do fun things and have fun but her moods made it impossible, all she wanted to do was stay in and sleep but I was willing to be there for her when she felt like this, I was willing to support her through her surgery and tough time, it should be me who's had enough and breaking up with her but it wasn't a deal breaker for me, relationships go through patches.

 

Even at the breakup we were laughing and joking, 10 days ago we were on holiday discussing moving in together, two weeks ago she was raving about why we work so well together to her friend in front of me and now I'm single.

 

I'm not asking for hope, just some opinions to hopefully make me feel like I done all I could.

Edited June 16, 2017 by GOB

[usa1ah]

Your ex has issues SHE needs to fix before she dates anyone again.

 

To be there for someone you are dating or married to is what a relationship is. For some reason this is broken in her.

 

If you can, be a friend and ask her to see someone about this.

 

Wish you the best.

Edited June 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post.

[kortz]

To be honest she doesn't sound very nice, quite cold and moody, and you put up with more than most would so don't blame yourself. I'm sure in time you'll look back on this and think 'what the hell was I doing?' and until then, NC and time to move on.

[basil67]

You've done more than I would have.

[GOB]

Thanks, I realise that, when I get dumped I over analyse what I could have done, she kinda mentioned she wanted a more touchy feely relationship and that's exactly what I wanted, she said she felt she couldn't do that with me but every advance I made with her she would shrug me off or tell me she doesn't want me to tickle her or whatever, just wanted to chill, so I didn't bother but then that's one of the reasons she ended it.

 

Wasn't meant to be but it felt bloody close haha!

[BryanSmiley]

You’ve done more than enough, I had similar, an ex was touchy in the opening few weeks, then backed away, then came on strong. I found when I’d reciprocrate then she’d back away. It’s a friggin pain in the ass and game. Ultimately it’s immature behaviour and you put up with more than enough dude. Arguably too much. I say that because, I did as-well and whilst like you I over analyse my shortcomings, occasionally with some contact I get a strong reminder of her bad points and feel relieved. Oddly enough one thing I wonder if would work better in these situations, is if you/I were firmer in saying you are there for them but this behaviour isn’t fair, so please take some time and come to me when your behaving better towards me. That says to them they are at risk of losing you through poor behaviour and raises their value/respect level for you. If they feel you’ll put up and shut up, and they’ve won you, some immature girls won’t keep themselves in check and will lose some of the passion. Either way I think she can look at others relationships all she wants, she seems unwilling to take responsibility for her shortcomings so you’ve probably saved yourself more heartache mate!

[GOB]

You’ve done more than enough, I had similar, an ex was touchy in the opening few weeks, then backed away, then came on strong. I found when I’d reciprocrate then she’d back away. It’s a friggin pain in the ass and game. Ultimately it’s immature behaviour and you put up with more than enough dude. Arguably too much. I say that because, I did as-well and whilst like you I over analyse my shortcomings, occasionally with some contact I get a strong reminder of her bad points and feel relieved. Oddly enough one thing I wonder if would work better in these situations, is if you/I were firmer in saying you are there for them but this behaviour isn’t fair, so please take some time and come to me when your behaving better towards me. That says to them they are at risk of losing you through poor behaviour and raises their value/respect level for you. If they feel you’ll put up and shut up, and they’ve won you, some immature girls won’t keep themselves in check and will lose some of the passion. Either way I think she can look at others relationships all she wants, she seems unwilling to take responsibility for her shortcomings so you’ve probably saved yourself more heartache mate!

 

Agree completely with the putting your foot down bit but I did to a certain extent, she always apologised and always said it wasn't personal. I'm not so bothered about losing her this time, I just think it's ridiculous she got me back and a bit of an idiot for sticking with her. The nail in the coffin was the fact I wanted to be there to support her when she was undergoing major surgery, I mean, if that comes across as needy, I don't have time for her.

 

Even her mother told her 'I don't know what you want' and I don't think she does, my advances of a bit of play fighting or cuddling were always shot down but in the end she kind of said she was missing that. Maybe they aren't ready for a relationship which is absolutely fine, just don't drag me into it.

 

We were discussing moving in together and in the breakup she said something like I'm ready to settle down and she wants different things. She's never slept about maybe that's what she means but I was definitely under the illusion she wanted to settle.

[Been]

Had one just like yours. At first she's all about Me. Can't get enough of me and wants to do all these great things together.

Then around the 3rd month she pulls back. Little things I do suddenly annoy her. And the sex which was once all the time stops to a trickle.

Then she breaks up with me- we are too different.

Months go by and she contacts me. She misses me. She didn't give me a fair chance etc. I take her back. She's awsome for about another 3 months and then the cycle repeats itself.

I think that they have a little bit of narrissitic qualities in them. They are all about themselves. Always looking for the next person to feed their ego.

And when the relationship loses any luster they are out of there.

[Redhead14]

Tell her that you understand that she is confused about what she wants for herself but that you are not a doormat and so, it's best if you part ways for good and wish her well.

[BryanSmiley]

Agree completely with the putting your foot down bit but I did to a certain extent, she always apologised and always said it wasn't personal. I'm not so bothered about losing her this time, I just think it's ridiculous she got me back and a bit of an idiot for sticking with her. The nail in the coffin was the fact I wanted to be there to support her when she was undergoing major surgery, I mean, if that comes across as needy, I don't have time for her.

 

Even her mother told her 'I don't know what you want' and I don't think she does, my advances of a bit of play fighting or cuddling were always shot down but in the end she kind of said she was missing that. Maybe they aren't ready for a relationship which is absolutely fine, just don't drag me into it.

 

We were discussing moving in together and in the breakup she said something like I'm ready to settle down and she wants different things. She's never slept about maybe that's what she means but I was definitely under the illusion she wanted to settle.

 

Oh I wasn’t saying you didn’t at times and there’s no right or wrong with these things per say. I’m far from fit to say I guess we just see the similarities we’ve experienced in what we each say. You’ve handled it well. You’re quite right, she’s contradicting in several ways, wanting the touchy playful stuff but then complaining or resisting when you do it. I found this. I think whatever you do you’d find contradictions. She sounds a very selfish, self involved character that’s not thinking clearly in her own mind. So how does anyone else stand a chance?

[GOB]

Completely agree, when you're with someone like this, you cannot do anything right, they didn't seem like big things at the time but I would grab her from behind and kiss her cheek, she would tell me to get off, if I had dunked her in the pool she would have gone mad, I spent a lot of time listening to how stressed she was. Never really worked both ways, recently at least. She's fiercely independent. Things didn't work for me about her but nobodies perfect and they weren't deal breakers. When they don't work for her, she's off, we are too different.

 

I actually told her that it's not about me, one day she will have to let someone in and to be there and you can't treat people like that, she seemed in denial saying she let me in but I always felt like I was treading on eggshells.

 

Maybe she will find a man who doesn't put up with it but I believe that's just how she is and she can't change her ways.

[BryanSmiley]

Completely agree, when you're with someone like this, you cannot do anything right, they didn't seem like big things at the time but I would grab her from behind and kiss her cheek, she would tell me to get off, if I had dunked her in the pool she would have gone mad, I spent a lot of time listening to how stressed she was. Never really worked both ways, recently at least. She's fiercely independent. Things didn't work for me about her but nobodies perfect and they weren't deal breakers. When they don't work for her, she's off, we are too different.

 

I actually told her that it's not about me, one day she will have to let someone in and to be there and you can't treat people like that, she seemed in denial saying she let me in but I always felt like I was treading on eggshells.

 

Maybe she will find a man who doesn't put up with it but I believe that's just how she is and she can't change her ways.

 

Yup definitely. When I'd find it most obvious it was more her than me, was when I found her to be treating others poorly. Or when she complained of something of me, when it was evident it was far truer of her. This made it clear to me she had no idea how she was - because she was definitely more guilty herself, yet found it easier to project on to me.

 

On the playfulness side it was only when she wanted to, which was maybe 20% of the time. The rest she was overly sensitive to anything touchy feely or playful (except for the sex which was always mind blowing). Were they not deal breakers though? I mean I put up, but it drained me. If instead of getting better it stays the same or worsens, it's not acceptable to be on egg shells a lot of the time, a year on.

 

It's easier to avoid our own issues, whereas some people are far more willing to look within and improve. There's every chance it'll take many more years for types like this to do the necessary to break their patterns. Sad really, but they'll likely continue to get enough positive attention from others to mask over it. That is in some respects, narcissistic, definitely.

Edited June 16, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[GOB]

Yup definitely. When I'd find it most obvious it was more her than me, was when I found her to be treating others poorly. Or when she complained of something of me, when it was evident it was far truer of her. This made it clear to me she had no idea how she was - because she was definitely more guilty herself, yet found it easier to project on to me.

 

On the playfulness side it was only when she wanted to, which was maybe 20% of the time. The rest she was overly sensitive to anything touchy feely or playful (except for the sex which was always mind blowing). Were they not deal breakers though? I mean I put up, but it drained me. If instead of getting better it stays the same or worsens, it's not acceptable to be on egg shells a lot of the time, a year on.

 

It's easier to avoid our own issues, whereas some people are far more willing to look within and improve. There's every chance it'll take many more years for types like this to do the necessary to break their patterns. Sad really, but they'll likely continue to get enough positive attention from others to mask over it. That is in some respects, narcissistic, definitely.

 

Almost identical here, the reason I say it wasn't a deal breaker was because as far as I was aware she was just stressed with work so i decided to stick with her and help her hoping to get out the other side. She was in a relationship from 18 until about 26 and was single for a year before me, maybe she needs to understand that it's not all about her and people out there won't put up with her and treat her well.

 

Funny how you noticed her treating others poorly, she had a fall out with a friend who kept trying to get her to join us out, her friend ended up calling her selfish and to sort herself out, my girlfriend sent her a message having a go at her for pushing her to come out, how pathetic.

[Altair0770]

As been said, this girl has a ton of issues that you can't fix for her. Unfortunately a lot of good men here that are very supportive for their partners end up getting dumped and heartbroken because someone has a lot of mental issues that they never solved or aren't working on and are looking for someone to escape their problems with, and not looking for an actual relationship. Unfortunately they will never find someone like that.

[GOB]

Just seen her with another fella, hardest thing ever but life goes on, I want to send her A message but what good can come of if?

[BryanSmiley]

Almost identical here, the reason I say it wasn't a deal breaker was because as far as I was aware she was just stressed with work so i decided to stick with her and help her hoping to get out the other side. She was in a relationship from 18 until about 26 and was single for a year before me, maybe she needs to understand that it's not all about her and people out there won't put up with her and treat her well.

 

Funny how you noticed her treating others poorly, she had a fall out with a friend who kept trying to get her to join us out, her friend ended up calling her selfish and to sort herself out, my girlfriend sent her a message having a go at her for pushing her to come out, how pathetic.

 

It's uncanny how many similarities there are. Tick on the stressed with work. Also being in a 6 year relationship from what would be roughly that age range too. Crazy coincidence, and perhaps quite insightful. Mine admitted she was selfish and that I supported her well. But I dunno, whilst good that then shows consciously they still can't verbalise, work though or remedy the issues. I think that persona type leads people to chase them a lot. And they end up overvaluing themselves as a result. Theyre used to being chased for inclusion and at times find it tiresome and push away. Rather than healthily making contact effort 50-50. When I backed right off, only then would she sense she had to behave, chase, or lose me. But ultimately you shouldn't have to play psych games to get ppl to treat others right. The red flags are there.

 

Just seen her with another fella, hardest thing ever but life goes on, I want to send her A message but what good can come of if?

 

That's rough as houses mate. I'd take that really badly if that happened to me. It might be happy days for awhile but take comfort that he and they are bound to have issues. No way has she had time to change. She's some other guys problem now.

 

Hit me up on pm if you like, I tried and couldn't.

 

Hope the similarities don't continue and I now see the ex with someone.

[elaine567]

Sounds like her "moods" may be depression.

Clinical depression - Symptoms - NHS Choices

Of course sometimes "depression" can also be miraculously cured by just getting out of a bad situation/relationship.

[Been]

More then likely she lined him up while still with you-people like her can't be by themselves.

Also keep in mind it won't last and be prepared that when it goes south with the other man more then likely she will run back or contact you.

[Captivating]

GOB,

You seem to be a boyfriend most girls are looking forward to be with. You were very kind to her so don't second guess yourself.

I don't think that you will have any trouble establishing a new healthy relationship.

I understand that her behavior is confusing for you. However, I think she has depression that needs to be treated by a professional. If you could suggest this to the parents, maybe they could help her manage her mood swings with professional help. It would benefit everyone.

[GOB]

I bumped into her friends, had a really good chat with them, very sympathetic, completely agree with my side of things, told me that her others friends also aren't happy about it, I know that doesn't matter but it's still nice to hear.

 

They told me not to change and that she needs someone like me and that she plays on her illness. She told her friends that we don't do anything anymore which is true but it's definitely not me, I always tried to make effort to do things but she was always 'too tired' they said one of there friends was actually upset with the way she handled it.

 

There was nothing I could do, it was a lose, lose situation.

[GOB]

GOB,

You seem to be a boyfriend most girls are looking forward to be with. You were very kind to her so don't second guess yourself.

I don't think that you will have any trouble establishing a new healthy relationship.

I understand that her behavior is confusing for you. However, I think she has depression that needs to be treated by a professional. If you could suggest this to the parents, maybe they could help her manage her mood swings with professional help. It would benefit everyone.

 

Thanks so much, I am a great boyfriend, unfortunately I do go for the girls who 'need help' as such. I try my best to be there for her in her time of need and make things easier for her in the hope that it works both ways.

 

Her friends mentioned not to worry about the fella I saw and they weren't aware of it, they had barely spoken to her about the break up.

 

They said that although she doesn't want anyone there when she's stressed, she does need someone there and agreed with everything i vented to them and I'll be seeing them for drinks soon.

[GOB]

Went down to get some stuff from my ex's a few days ago, her mum was there, invited me in for a coffee,

 

I asked how she was doing, quick chit chat, then I mentioned the break up, she started crying... little bit taken back, I gave her a hug and told her it will be alright, she will meet someone who is right one day but that she needed to learn to let someone in.

 

Her mum agreed saying she lets someone get so close and then pushes them away. And thinks her last relationship, lasted from about 17 to 29 and he sounds like not a very nice fella.

 

Told her that I loved her and it was a shame because there was nothing wrong, all that was wrong would have been so easily fixed just by communicating.

 

Had a real good chat and then got my stuff, told her if she needed anything to text me (they're having a really though time) told her to take care and she started crying again.

 

That was very difficult.