Is this feeling justifiable? Should I end things?

[CptInsano]

I would start evaluating this from a practical standpoint and not a moral one. I find that I become very ineffective if I let everything get to me, so I fix the things that actually are under my control. And from my perspective this position is perfectly ethical.

 

You ask other people not to judge you, your boyfriend may ask the same of you.

 

If this difference in outlook on life between you and your boyfriend is too much for you then face the consequences and move on, but don't try use the ills of this world and his inability to respond to them as a reason.

[Bastile]

It pisses me off how people are giving you a hard time on here without doing further research... and by showcasing exactly what you said is wrong with the world.

"You are too hypersensitive. You should work on that!"

Who are these people to judge?

 

You don't need to work on it to please others. Everyone is different.

Some people are empaths, most aren't.

I am happy people like you exist, because if they wouldn't the world would be an even sadder place than it already is.

 

You are okay the way you are.

I know exactly how you feel.

But just to make your own life a bit easier, try to not read the news so much!

I work in human rights and I am glued to the news every day and it really can make your OWN life too miserable, especially if you are an empath.

Give YOURSELF time to breathe and enjoy the good things in life, and try to see the best in people whenever you can.

There are good people around and there are also people who understand you.

Maybe you haven't met them yet, but I am sure you will.

 

Peace x

 

I took a pay cut in 2016 to work for a charity helping people day in and day out. Some of us just don't have to virtue signal how we are so wonderful all the time, and how others aren't as great human beings as us.

 

This social justice thing gets tiring quick. I've been out with women that keep slagging off Trump and trying to get me to watch the special olympics. It does your head in.

 

Generally a caring woman is great to be around. It's beautiful, cute, and feminine. It's not browbashing people about refugees, or urging them to cry because a cat is up a tree.

 

Yes, men like sports, Bruce Lee movies and such.

 

The reason you liked him is probably because he was masculine. You can't have it both ways. If you want a social justice type, then go out with a male feminist or something. That's compatibility.

[martaxch]

Of course.

 

However, your own wording implied you have known for a long time that this difference existed. It's also not about being "the bad guy." It's about taking responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship as well. That often takes two, and you clearly said earlier that "I'm not the problem." Rarely is it ever just one person causing all of the issues, though.

 

In any case, as you now know, you two weren't compatible enough to make it work and he evidently felt that way too. You wanted each other to be different people, which ultimately eats away at a relationship. You are now free to search out someone who does have a similar mentality and passions. He just wasn't it for you.

 

 

I knew it COULD be a problem in the future if 1. he still didn't care so the problem wasn't him being tired or indifferent at times 2. if it continued to piss me off as much that he wasn't empathetic like me. I didn't know if these two things would stay the same when we first started dating. I'm only 21, I don't have everything figured out. I didn't know if other people cared as much or what that is called or what I can do about it. I just knew we weren't on the same page at one point, I didn't know it was going to bother me as much for the rest of my life. So yes, obviously if we weren't compatible it's my fault too for staying in this relationship, I just didn't know it was such a huge issue until recently, when I realized this isn't going away and caring is a part of me -which isn't for him. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and end things before they begin and be absolute. Like, I don't like that you don't work out, I don't date people who don't work out bye..

[todreaminblue]

Whenever I see something unfair, I bring it up. I send links to them or talk to them in person at the moment I've found out about a case. If I send them a link I will say what I think about it or express how unfair it is and the replies I get are the same ''yeah things happen, what can we do''. They don't even express how sad they feel about the situation, less alone try to do something to change it. It's clear that they all have the same ''I have my own problems to solve and there are so many problems in the world that I can't solve them all so i won't even try to solve one'' mentality.

 

the world needs caring people...but there does need to be a balance.....and there does need to be a bit of distance when you do feel things strongly....there's this thing called the art of melancholy.....and its a way you can get if you keep seeing only the bad in the world..i stop watching the news if i get depressed about it which i often do so i change the channel....i look for postivie3s...i love those i love...i see love i feel love i give love and i take love...and i dont feel so sad.....

 

..i cant watch ....jesus being crucified....for example....there are things that wont ever change(history) or cant change they are going to happen whether you are sad about them or whether you are out there working at it.....they will still happen...world hunger ....murder death dogs being cruelly treated ...what we can do ...is throw one starfish back in the ocean of beached starfishes...and do our little slice of caring...

 

take on too much and you wont be focused...spread yourself too thin and you will go down as well......its called compassion fatigue and when that happens...the people who are going to suffer are the ones closest too you...and mostly more importantly you.......i know because it happens to me....makes me suicidal....

 

you know.....i apologized to the vet assistant today for crying when i was paying for xenas meds for her cancer.... and maybe upsetting the waiting room and her.....she said dont apologise its ok you are allowed to cry....its almost funny ....i apologize for crying.....having a broken heart..thinking about others comfort and nearly choking on tears trying to keep them down........when i need to think of me...and i need to think of my dog..not another persons dog .....or someone elses comfort level.....

 

 

and look after myself and mine.....because i have to try and keep it in perspective.....i am going to have to have strength to do what right for us...for my dog when its time to hold her head and not cry when they put her down...because it has to be done........and for today ..i have let myself cry....and i look terrible....tomorrow...im going to take my dog fro a walk and spend time with her....until one day comes....

 

dogs do die all the time....its harder when they belong to you.....when they have been your companion.....that is where your energy should be...one starfish...one dog.....if you dont have a dog...rescue one and give that dog the best life out....i dont cry when i hear about a dog dying..and if there was a chance to see a dog die...im not taking it unless i have no choice ...like my own dog.....but i do feel empathy because i have lost them myself.....and without a doubt ill lose another soon..but...my dogs have had good lives while with me..i have made a difference and i have loved them with my whole heart and thats what we can do ...love what we have....

 

 

one starfish....and love...thats all we have to do .....to make a difference.....and loving people...means accepting we arent all the same...never were meant to be...all the same.....

 

 

if the whole world were all criers and standing on soapboxes...thats a lot of soapboxes needed and a lot of noise...when one quiet voice ....can instigate change..........i wish you peace.....deb

Edited June 16, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Bastile]

I knew it COULD be a problem in the future if 1. he still didn't care so the problem wasn't him being tired or indifferent at times 2. if it continued to piss me off as much that he wasn't empathetic like me. I didn't know if these two things would stay the same when we first started dating. I'm only 21, I don't have everything figured out. I didn't know if other people cared as much or what that is called or what I can do about it. I just knew we weren't on the same page at one point, I didn't know it was going to bother me as much for the rest of my life. So yes, obviously if we weren't compatible it's my fault too for staying in this relationship, I just didn't know it was such a huge issue until recently, when I realized this isn't going away and caring is a part of me -which isn't for him. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and end things before they begin and be absolute. Like, I don't like that you don't work out, I don't date people who don't work out bye..

 

You can poopoo what she's saying, but it's quite obvious to me the reason why he went straight to the extreme of blocking.

 

There is a serious air of narcissism around your general attitude, with no sense of irony or humour. It's very hard to deal with in prolonged doses, in my experience.

 

Perhaps be a bit more flexible with the people close to you in your life going forward.

[martaxch]

Where exactly did you find that kind of air?

[Bastile]

Where exactly did you find that kind of air?

 

You started by pointing out that everyone around you isn't as caring as you are.

 

You carried on to state that none of the problems in the relationship are your responsibility. "I'm not the problem".

 

As soon as anyone questioned your position, you played the victim "why am I the bad guy?".

 

You really can't detect the narcissism?

 

As I say, genuine caring and compassion is a truly attractive and beautiful trait in a woman.

 

There's a difference between virtue, and virtue-signalling. Many of us can feel the difference, even if we can't articulate it.

 

It would be very easy as one poster already did to paint the guy as "an ignorant horrible person, and a master manipulator" (lol). So, easy and lazy. No need to take a look at our own behaviours then, nothing to learn....

[martaxch]

You started by pointing out that everyone around you isn't as caring as you are.

 

You carried on to state that none of the problems in the relationship are your responsibility. "I'm not the problem".

 

As soon as anyone questioned your position, you played the victim "why am I the bad guy?".

 

You really can't detect the narcissism?

 

As I say, genuine caring and compassion is a truly attractive and beautiful trait in a woman.

 

There's a difference between virtue, and virtue-signalling. Many of us can feel the difference, even if we can't articulate it.

 

It would be very easy as one poster already did to paint the guy as "an ignorant horrible person, and a master manipulator" (lol). So, easy and lazy. No need to take a look at our own behaviours then, nothing to learn....

 

Wow, because you know everything about me, smart guy. You know how many sacrifices I've made or how much self-exploration I've done, how many mistakes I've realized I've made and apologized for and how much learning by looking at my own behaviour..Congratulations on being such a know-it-all.

 

I asked why I'm being the bad guy because I only pointed out two different people and asked if there's any chance of them being together after such a huge difference in their values. And instead of an answer, I got a lecture on how I present the news to others and the concentration shifted from my relationship to my communication skills. I was stating my boyfriend is indifferent, not reacting to that, not saying I'm the nice person and he is the bad one. So anyone trying to scold me on how I live my life is just off topic. Mind you, he broke up with me a few hours ago and I'm still numb, I'd rather not have people judging me like that right now because I'm not capable of handling it as good as I would be under normal conditions. I don't see what's wrong with that.

 

I said ''I'm not the problem'' because someone implied I could be reading people wrong or tiring them and I wanted to explain that's not the case. Maybe my choice of words wasn't the best, I could have simply said ''that's not the case'' and then went on to explain why. But do you really need to jump to conclusions based on other people's choice of words? English isn't my mother tongue either. I'm not aware of what words show to you. Maybe I'm using them wrong. I'm thining in Greek and trying to explain myself in English in a few sentences. Give me a break.

[Versacehottie]

You have very different values as your bf (now ex). Because yours are so strongly tied with what is going on in the world, world situations and helping others, you've kinda removed yourself from living in your present, direct and immediate life (i'd guess)--because that is where your focus & interests lie. I don't think you guys are compatible--you'll need to find someone who shares your values and how you apply them in your life if you want to be happy & have a successful relationship.

 

I know you don't see it as such, because you have good intentions/care about others/and are helping the world but by continually bringing it up and wishing he was more like you and saying he was uncaring, you were essentially attacking who he is. He may be a great person who just doesn't live his life the same way as you do/hold the same values. Nothing wrong with that. Just because you are trying to save the world doesn't make you the saint and him the sinner. You are just different.

 

BTW, I've had a couple of people in my life who hold strong values similar to yours and agree with the poster that there is like some superiority in it. Funny one person has this superiority/judgmental thing toward those directly in his life while trying to do good things and complain about injustice yet does pretty insensitive and selfish things toward those IN his life on a regular basis. My sister and I remark all the time about the hypocrisy of it all. The other person I am thinking of is less of a hypocrite and judgmental but it does grate on your nerves or just become silly when you just want to have a day that doesn't involve injustices. A regular day among friends--those are rare with these types of people. They can be too all-encompassing.

 

I know you think it's all him. But it's usually some of both person. No sense in getting stuck in the blame game now that you are broken up. Just try to do some introspection and see what part your actions might have contributed to the breakup and what you could differently--since you can only control yourself. And then start looking for a guy with like-minded values. The guy I know that I spoke of above is with a woman who shares exactly those values. She is really genuine about them & not hypocritical or judgmental thus much easier to be around (which is something to think about). I think they both feel great about the person they are with & happy to do their deeds & admire the other for what they do. Needless to say, that type of person is out there.

[martaxch]

God, I didn't say it's all him. I didn't say he betrayed me or forced me into thinking he was someone else and now the relationship is over because of him. I had my doubts and maybe I should have ended it sooner, I realize it takes two to break up and both are at fault. I also didn't say he is the sinner and I'm the saint. I'm not examining who should be what. I'm explaining he's that way and I'm the complete opposite which proved to be very tiring and unedifying (?). I thought maybe we could work it out, I did not want to give up on us because of that since we loved each other, but finally realized I couldn't move past it because it's just who I am. Same goes for him. I knew I wouldn't stand a chance trying to change him so I didn't discuss it at all (apart from me trying to change him not being ethical), I knew it wouldn't happen even if I tried. So the question was ''is this a justifiable reason or am I being crazy? Have you been in this situation and if yes, what did you do?'' not ''who is right and wrong here?''. I don't think I feel superior than others who don't share my view of the world. But I feel that, if we're so different, we're only making each other's life a living hell so we should live apart. For example, I may strongly believe sports are a waste of time (and I may be right) but I wouldn't try to convince someone who loves sports that he's wrong. If I was so strong-willed I wouldn't hang out with him and everyone's happy. (Now I'm not against sports, that was just an example). Anyway, I only wanted to know if other people have had this problem and if they managed to make it work in their relationships, I didn't post in this thread to blame it all on my ex. I'm sorry if I sounded like I did.

[1fish2fish]

Please don't listen to anyone who tells you you are "too" anything.

 

You are who you are, and you are perfectly you. Period.

 

Based on your ex-bf's extreme reaction in blocking you, maybe now is the time to find a new circle of friends - those who are more like you and enjoy the same things you do.

 

I'm sorry you didn't find the kind of support here that you needed, and I'm sorry your bf acted like a total d-bag.

 

(((hugs!)))

[Dru76]

You sound a lot like a guy I dated. At first I really liked how much he cared about other people, but at some point it became soul crushingly overwhelming for me to deal with day in and day out. Eventually, about 2 hours into an emotionally exhausting conversation about who even knows what, he yelled that he can't be with someone like me. I agreed and showed him the door. I think we're both better off for it.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, but neither was he. You guys were incompatible. If you are highly empathetic then I suggest you make it a priority that your future partners are the same.

[smackie9]

He's not a bad person...he is a person with different expectations/priorities....it's just a simple issue with incompatibility.

 

And I agree with the above poster....since this is going to turn into your life's work/priority, you need to make it clear to future suitors that you are looking for someone who is on the same page and shares your passion.

[Bastile]

Please don't listen to anyone who tells you you are "too" anything.

 

To be fair, the question was one of whether it's justifiable or not.

 

You are who you are, and you are perfectly you. Period.

 

You can use that to justify any behaviour - however antisocial. It's a very weak reframe that isn't going to help you much in life.

 

Good to learn some boundaries, and have some balance between your nature and the world you operate in.

 

By going around lambasting all the people that are close to her with a very limited moralistic view, she'll drive those people away.

 

Based on your ex-bf's extreme reaction in blocking you, maybe now is the time to find a new circle of friends - those who are more like you and enjoy the same things you do.

 

A need to hang around with people who think the exact same things as you do shows an inflexibility of character and mind, imo.

 

Diversity is healthy and good. Contrast is often attractive.

 

I'm sorry you didn't find the kind of support here that you needed,

 

The support you need isn't always necessarily the support you think that you want.

 

Pragmatism is positivity.

 

I'm sorry your bf acted like a total d-bag.

 

Needless to say, your own value system of people being "perfectly them" doesn't stretch to this gentleman

Edited June 16, 2017 by Bastile

[niji]

First off to the OP, I'm sorry about your breakup, because you're probably feeling very sh*tty right now. Not necessarily because it was a bad thing as you were already contemplating breaking up with him, but because breakups leave most of us feeling like cr*p.

 

That being said, I almost had to nod my head to every point Bastile has made. I don't want to beat on this as you're probably not in the best state to receive constructive criticism - maybe come back to read it later if you'd like.

 

When I read your very very first post, I already thought to myself, "Wow, this person is so full of herself I can't imagine hearing about her altruism all day long". "I did this today and that today and I feel so bad about x and y why can't you feel the same???" I understand that in your mind, there's nothing wrong about caring and wanting to help others, but as someone who's involved in your life, it can get very tiring. You don't seem to have a balance of what to care about; instead, you're what I would call a negative Nelly. A dead dog, in my opinion, cannot compare to the Syrian refugee crisis, or all of the humanitarian abuse that are going on in SO MANY countries in the world. Yet it seems like even the smallest injustice in the world causes you to be down and with no doubt project this emotion onto others. Being with you, as I imagine, is probably very tiring to someone who doesn't care as much. If I cared about every single injustice in life like you did, my life would probably be a living hell. The homeless man down the street without clothes. The abandoned newborn at the orphanage who also happens to have HIV. These are all around the corner - I don't even need to think about people in other countries to feel sad. But then I don't see the point of me living while feeling like cr*p all day long because of injustices. I want to enjoy life, because it's a privilege to be living.

 

The major problem in society is that most people don't care. However, caring about things you can do nothing about makes it very tiring for those who are truly in your life, yet does absolutely nothing to change the injustices that caused you to grieve. I would say, dedicate yourself to one (or a few) causes that you care about the most, and do what you can to make change in those causes. There's only one of you, and millions of suffering people in the world. Even the most powerful and richest people dedicate their lives to just a few causes, not all. Realize that you're only a tiny human being, and you alone cannot solve all world problem (hence in my view, it's futile to drag yourself down worrying about the things you can't change). Instead, make yourself available to solve specific problems of your interest, which would make a much better use of your emotions and caring nature.

 

When I was in high school/college, I also had this air of narcissism around me, thinking I was a better person than most people because of my moralistic views. Soon after, I realized that if I could break up with my ex of 4 years who was one of the kindest people I ever knew, then I was just equally capable of doing sh*tty things for my own interest. I wasn't as altruistic as I thought I was.

 

English is not your native language, yet your command of it is admirable. I can tell that you're a very intelligent young woman who will be able to make a lot of changes to the injustices that you see. Just make sure your dedication to them does not make the ones around you, closest to you, suffer. Aung San Suu Kyi left her husband and two sons to go fight for the Burmese people. I admire her so much as a person, yet I would hate to be her daughter

 

I'm sorry you didn't find the kind of support here that you needed, and I'm sorry your bf acted like a total d-bag.

 

(((hugs!)))

 

It's a different thing to hug someone and tell them that everything will be ok. It's another to go along with what someone wanted to hear, regardless of how detrimental it would be to their development and growth as a person.

 

When I had my most recent heartbreak, my best friend who cared for me the most was constantly harping on me, "Yes, you're delusional", "No, he doesn't care for you", "Yes, he was just playing around", "You think everyone has to like you" - were her most used sentences. Yet it were exactly those that helped me recover from the heartbreak, even though while she was saying it, I was secretly resenting her for making me feel even more miserable. Yet I never was able to refute her, because deep inside, I knew she was right.

 

Therefore, making a distinction between constructive criticism and plain trashing is a must.

[martaxch]

First off to the OP, I'm sorry about your breakup, because you're probably feeling very sh*tty right now. Not necessarily because it was a bad thing as you were already contemplating breaking up with him, but because breakups leave most of us feeling like cr*p.

 

That being said, I almost had to nod my head to every point Bastile has made. I don't want to beat on this as you're probably not in the best state to receive constructive criticism - maybe come back to read it later if you'd like.

 

When I read your very very first post, I already thought to myself, "Wow, this person is so full of herself I can't imagine hearing about her altruism all day long". "I did this today and that today and I feel so bad about x and y why can't you feel the same???" I understand that in your mind, there's nothing wrong about caring and wanting to help others, but as someone who's involved in your life, it can get very tiring. You don't seem to have a balance of what to care about; instead, you're what I would call a negative Nelly. A dead dog, in my opinion, cannot compare to the Syrian refugee crisis, or all of the humanitarian abuse that are going on in SO MANY countries in the world. Yet it seems like even the smallest injustice in the world causes you to be down and with no doubt project this emotion onto others. Being with you, as I imagine, is probably very tiring to someone who doesn't care as much. If I cared about every single injustice in life like you did, my life would probably be a living hell. The homeless man down the street without clothes. The abandoned newborn at the orphanage who also happens to have HIV. These are all around the corner - I don't even need to think about people in other countries to feel sad. But then I don't see the point of me living while feeling like cr*p all day long because of injustices. I want to enjoy life, because it's a privilege to be living.

 

The major problem in society is that most people don't care. However, caring about things you can do nothing about makes it very tiring for those who are truly in your life, yet does absolutely nothing to change the injustices that caused you to grieve. I would say, dedicate yourself to one (or a few) causes that you care about the most, and do what you can to make change in those causes. There's only one of you, and millions of suffering people in the world. Even the most powerful and richest people dedicate their lives to just a few causes, not all. Realize that you're only a tiny human being, and you alone cannot solve all world problem (hence in my view, it's futile to drag yourself down worrying about the things you can't change). Instead, make yourself available to solve specific problems of your interest, which would make a much better use of your emotions and caring nature.

 

When I was in high school/college, I also had this air of narcissism around me, thinking I was a better person than most people because of my moralistic views. Soon after, I realized that if I could break up with my ex of 4 years who was one of the kindest people I ever knew, then I was just equally capable of doing sh*tty things for my own interest. I wasn't as altruistic as I thought I was.

 

English is not your native language, yet your command of it is admirable. I can tell that you're a very intelligent young woman who will be able to make a lot of changes to the injustices that you see. Just make sure your dedication to them does not make the ones around you, closest to you, suffer. Aung San Suu Kyi left her husband and two sons to go fight for the Burmese people. I admire her so much as a person, yet I would hate to be her daughter

 

 

 

It's a different thing to hug someone and tell them that everything will be ok. It's another to go along with what someone wanted to hear, regardless of how detrimental it would be to their development and growth as a person.

 

When I had my most recent heartbreak, my best friend who cared for me the most was constantly harping on me, "Yes, you're delusional", "No, he doesn't care for you", "Yes, he was just playing around", "You think everyone has to like you" - were her most used sentences. Yet it were exactly those that helped me recover from the heartbreak, even though while she was saying it, I was secretly resenting her for making me feel even more miserable. Yet I never was able to refute her, because deep inside, I knew she was right.

 

Therefore, making a distinction between constructive criticism and plain trashing is a must.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write such a long response. I really do not understand why you also get the vibe I'm a narcissist. I didn't post on here examples of how much I care to fish for compliments. I was trying to give you real examples from my every day life, things that happened and what the response was to validate my point and make you understand how big our difference was. Otherwise, people could have said ''oh it's nothing, you're compatible, don't overanalyze everything''. I've read all comments on my post and I've seen quite a few people stating I think I'm better than everyone else because I care, yet I haven't judged anyone who doesn't care. I imagine that I'm also tiring my boyfriend who doesn't care about the causes I care as much as he's tiring me by not caring. I just said I'm not tiring him to the point where he stopped caring because he didn't care at all from the start. I was trying to show you how different we are without passing judgment. I care he doesn't. It doesn't necessarily mean HE SHOULD care and since he doesn't, he's the bad guy. I was only trying to show that there's a huge gap between us because he doesn't care. (I;m sure he'd say it's because I care, we both have our side of the story).

 

I feel guilty for not helping everyone and of course realizing I could not possibly help everyone makes my life miserable in the long run. You bet I love Derrida. So I have only focused to those I can help (donate for refugees or give them clothes and food, help stray animals, feed the homeless). I'm not trying to be there for each and every person or animal who needs me. I don't think I'm imbalanced. What's more, I -among everyone else I think- have become quite indefferent to death because it's depicted so often in Media. But most of the times, I stop to think and care and put myself in their shoes: How does the mother or spouse or friends of the dead person feel? That must be horrible. I don't do it all the time. I also do other things in my life, I have hobbies, likes, dislikes, things I'm working on. It's not like being around me is an endless cycle of whining.

 

I just wish my wonderful ex-boyfriend could care about those things with me so we wouldn't have to break up because of that one thing. I wouldn't say I wish I was more like him because I don't think I, as Maria, would ever want to live my life without helping at least a few people.

[Versacehottie]

God, I didn't say it's all him. I didn't say he betrayed me or forced me into thinking he was someone else and now the relationship is over because of him. I had my doubts and maybe I should have ended it sooner, I realize it takes two to break up and both are at fault. I also didn't say he is the sinner and I'm the saint. I'm not examining who should be what. I'm explaining he's that way and I'm the complete opposite which proved to be very tiring and unedifying (?). I thought maybe we could work it out, I did not want to give up on us because of that since we loved each other, but finally realized I couldn't move past it because it's just who I am. Same goes for him. I knew I wouldn't stand a chance trying to change him so I didn't discuss it at all (apart from me trying to change him not being ethical), I knew it wouldn't happen even if I tried. So the question was ''is this a justifiable reason or am I being crazy? Have you been in this situation and if yes, what did you do?'' not ''who is right and wrong here?''. I don't think I feel superior than others who don't share my view of the world. But I feel that, if we're so different, we're only making each other's life a living hell so we should live apart. For example, I may strongly believe sports are a waste of time (and I may be right) but I wouldn't try to convince someone who loves sports that he's wrong. If I was so strong-willed I wouldn't hang out with him and everyone's happy. (Now I'm not against sports, that was just an example). Anyway, I only wanted to know if other people have had this problem and if they managed to make it work in their relationships, I didn't post in this thread to blame it all on my ex. I'm sorry if I sounded like I did.

 

I'm saying it won't serve you to place blame, not necessarily that you are. Sorry if you are hearing some things you don't like. There is a "tone" though underlying your initial few posts. So to answer your question:

 

Feeling disconnected from him in this way IS justifiable (though probably better to characterize it as "just doesn't work for you"). Yes you should end things (and since he did characterize it as the thing that was meant to happen happened regardless of who did it). So your instinct about being not fulfilled in the relationship in the way YOU need was right. A lot of what was said to you, as hard as it might be to hear, is to give you examples of why & how you can improve your next chance & person you pick.

 

Have I personally had this issue--well, no. I think it's tough (though not impossible or not that someone isn't out there for you who shares your views) but if your view of the world is extended soooooo far beyond the relationship itself and hoping and wishing your partner would be as interested and responsible in this life to participate in it the way you want. I really see your situation as not much different than wanting your partner to be involved and love your hobby as much as you do. In this case, your hobby is activism & altruism & causes. I like it when the guys I've been with like the same things as me & vice versa but it is not an overriding factor. In your case, it is THAT important so you need to pick someone who cares just as much and has similar interests and values. You two just were't compatible and in the end it got to be too much for both of you. Nothing wrong with being the person you are.

 

Just a note of why some people might have picked up on a superiority thing (or whatever it has been called in this thread): even your title ask "is this justifiable"? I realize english is not your first language (you speak it really well btw!) but that word alone asks for a "right" and a "wrong" discussion, which is maybe why you got one. Good luck. Trust me, you can find lots of guys who are into the same things that you are. Probably right now with one of the causes you are involved with someone is dying to date you. Same values.

[MountainGirl111]

Is it "justifiable"? Well, yes, of course it is.. we can justify almost anything, really...

 

Look, from the sounds of it you're frustrated with him and don't feel understood and appreciated or validated. You feel like he blows off your concerns? When maybe all you'd like is for him to show a little more interest and passion for the same things you do. I get that, I really do.

 

But, remember he is a guy and many normal guys love sports...they love to keep track of scores and they know the names of the players and who they play for and maybe even their history. They like to predict outcomes and even the final scores of games. He's passionate about sports, obviously. You're passionate about saving dogs and solving world hunger and various injustices. You have different passions. Sometimes that's a deal breaker and sometimes not. It depends. If he supports your passionate side and sees that as a VALUE in you, even if he doesn't exactly SHARE that passion, well sometimes that works out fine...

 

But if you constantly feel like you're just coming up short, then that's going to likely suck the life out of the relationship. I don't knock him for being the way he is. Some people are "quietly passionate". They don't show their passion and care that much....but that doesn't mean they just don't care. Some people are less talk and less activism and more quiet action. Many people donate to good causes, but do so annonymously and no one knows they are doing ANYTHING. So, try not to be too quick to judge a person because they don't SHOW passion for the same things you do.

 

I'm passionate about a certain type of music...but I know full well, many people don't know what the hell I'm talking about sometimes. That's okay. It's MY passion and I get joy from it. I can't convert everyone over to it. But, it's not a deal breaker for still having relationships with people who don't share that passion.

 

You're 21, still in college and say you want to volunteer for an animal shelter when you're done with college. Why wait till then? Do it now. Do it while you are young and don't have a full time job and while you still have passion for it. If you've got time to try and get other people involved in various causes, you could certainly find time for the animal shelter today. I'm guessing he's about your age, so he's fairly young too. Maybe he needs time and various experiences in life to get him more "fired up" about the things that you get fired up about. Life changes people.

 

I'm sorry about your break up today. It sounds like this would be a 'deal breaker' though, based upon what you've shared and maybe you're just not feeling validated enough.

 

But some of this could be the cultural differences in how you were each raised. Opposites can certainly attract. No doubt. But, sometimes if someone is too much your opposite it can make you feel alienated from one another. And, yes, religious differences can sometimes be a deal breaker too. As can differences in how to raise kids; how to discipline, etc.

Edited June 17, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[1fish2fish]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Needless to say, your own value system of people being "perfectly them" doesn't stretch to this gentleman

 

Because the boyfriend blocking the OP was the mature and "gentlemanly" way to break up with her. LOL!!!!!

Edited June 17, 2017 by 1fish2fish
Grammar

[Bastile]

LOL pleasure to meet you too, Bastile.

 

Was I boorish?

 

I would have removed my top-hat and kissed your hand, but I was preoccupied with the ideas expressed