martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I have been with my boyfriend since January 2015. We've had our ups and downs. We like the same things but we're also different on many levels. For example, I care a lot about other people. I feel the need to help them, I feel good when I do so. I can't stop caring about others and their needs. It could be from helping an old woman cross the road or giving my clothes to refugees or making small donations to charities/animal shelters. Even if I do not actively help people in need, I spend my day on the internet and when I see something unfair, an injustice, I get mad, my blood starts boiling and I feel pessimistic about this world. Why would that happen? Why are people so mean? But when I see people helping each other, I feel very emotional. My boyfriend simply doesn't care. He never talks about the news (for example: London Bridge attack, syrian refugees, animal abuse, sexism etc) and when I talk about it, he just goes ''oh that's bad'' and that's it. Whereas my mood changes towards the worst when I see injustice and I give my life trying to make the world a better place, by informing others, talking to people who know more than me, participating in marches..I also want to volunteer in an animal shelter when I finish college. I'm a member in a few facebook groups and when I see someone (or an animal) in need whom I can help, I dive right in. One day I saw a kitty was stuck under a vehicle close by and I suggested we go help it and he laughed it off. I've discussed it with him but he denies he doesn't care. He says he has too many of his own problems to deal with social injustice (like we don't all have them...). He also things I care so much because I'm sensitive and a drama queen...He has also asked me in the past things like ''wht would you do If you found someone who loves you and treats you well but hits dogs?'' and I told him I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who doesn't feel anything when he hears people died (with the excuse that it's so common he can't be sad about each person), who doesn't show empathy or compassion. I'm not trying to say everyone should be like this. Because I do it, I realize it's very tiring. But I want my boyfriend to be like this. To love other people, to care about them, to not be ignorant and indifferent, to understand why I care so much because he feels the same way and not having to analyze my thought and then get a ''how sad'' in reply. What would you do? Would this be a deal-breaker for you?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 So, you want your boyfriend to be more like you. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as you possess some admirable qualities, but you have to realize it's not who he is. Just as you don't have the ability to not care about injustices, he doesn't have the ability to feel it as deeply the way you do. To me, it seems you two are not compatible, which yes, is usually a dealbreaker. You have different worldviews and interests. You're not wrong to want a partner with similar views, but it is also a losing battle to try to make him fit that vision. 4
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Yes I've thought about that, which is why I asked if it's a reason to break-up. I knew that no amount of time and no discussion would solve this. I think you're born being able to walk in other people's shoes and having a caring nature, it's not something you can acquire if your girlfriend wants you to. I realize we have a nice relationship but this feelings is just drowing me, I can't get past it. It's more important than having a difference in hobbies or beliefs regarding religion..On the one hand, I feel like I have to help everyone and feel guilty that I can't and on the other, he never thinks deeply about a problem. He just goes 'oh what a sad case' and keeps on living his life, never thinking about it again. And that pisses me off, both because he doesn't seem to care and because no one seems to understand how responsible I feel for other people.
todreaminblue Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 there was this talk given about love and otherness....how we see differences in each other(love relationships) as being bad when they are not.....it is our ego self that seeks out traits that are similar..when differences not only enhance a relationship but also ......strengthen it that if you see otherness that you love the person not in spite of their "otherness" but because of it.....which si true...i have never been in a relationship to tell the truth with someone who is as soft as i am i am an empath.....so i feel everything...the guys i date have always had that otherness ...harder than me ...i am the one who has done marches and helps people they keep me in check....raised money for charity done bikeathons triathlons readathons....anything athon..........contributed to so many charities my account often went into debit......and i burn out a lot.....i feel if i were to be with someone who didnt have an otherness...i would eb ibn big trouble....and so would they..... like at the moment my rottie got diagnosed with lymphoma and hasnt long to ....well im looking that up going to try tumeric and maybe hemp oil and cold pressed coconut oil.....and my mum has told me to get off the internet twice already because i know i wont sleep ...all i can think about is having to say goodbye.....fi i were with a guy .....even though he woudl eb upset.....i would want a guy who didntt fall to pieces like i can ...the pain i feel ...because then i would have to comfort him..look after him and bury my own feelings...like i have to every time my goofy dog looks at me.....try and be bouncy with her while crying..i woudl have to up fro not only my dog but my guy as well...and im finding it extremely hard to feel ....up.....see what i mean..... dotn see yoru guy as you want to see him ..an egoist view.....see him for who he is....as compassionate as you treat others..treat your other....who is not the same as you appreciate the otherness in your guy..one day you will need his strength to keep you even..you are a feeler....and two feelers...would be feeling soggy mess......love your guy for his differences it can only strengthen your relationship...and when i say otherness i dont mean cruelty towards human or animal...i mean a more even keel approach.....i dont mean nasty otherness and i dont mean vicious...i mean logic centered and more....neutral.....calmer.....because being a feeler is far from calm...dont worry ...i feel you...i made a funny....through sniffles..now thats better,..........best wishes....deb
Styrea Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Honestly, I don't know what to think, because I have no idea how much you actually like him, but I don't think you should be putting things in terms of "is this a deal breaker?", and more in terms of "does this outweigh the love I have for him?" I know from experience this is not easy, I've had girlfriends that had traits that just pissed me the hell off for similar reasons, and even though I am not as justice-driven as you are, even though I wish I was, the question I always asked myself was if it outweighed my love for them or not. From what you've said he seems to be really lacking in empathy and care for others. Your selflessness is what makes those things hit so hard, and if you are taking those things too much to heart, maybe it's time to change things one way or the other. How? No idea. If serious talks don't help, try and make him imagine how it would be to be in a helpless situation and just have someone shrug him off. Maybe try lightening up and pull a reversal on him with comedy. That all depends on how you want to deal with things, and how convincing you can be. Just don't try the same thing you've already tried and expect different results. In essence, either that attitude doesn't hurt you enough to justify a breakup, or a massive undertaking to try and make him see things differently, or it does, and you either try and go your way, and move on. 1
Royosu Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I watch the news all the time, but I haven't read anything for a week until my day off today. If he's honestly busy, then don't project your thoughts onto him. Just because he doesn't voice his opinions about certain things....doesn't mean he does not care. You should support him first and then talk to him about it. No need to analyze.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Yes I've thought about that, which is why I asked if it's a reason to break-up. I knew that no amount of time and no discussion would solve this. I think you're born being able to walk in other people's shoes and having a caring nature, it's not something you can acquire if your girlfriend wants you to. I realize we have a nice relationship but this feelings is just drowing me, I can't get past it. It's more important than having a difference in hobbies or beliefs regarding religion..On the one hand, I feel like I have to help everyone and feel guilty that I can't and on the other, he never thinks deeply about a problem. He just goes 'oh what a sad case' and keeps on living his life, never thinking about it again. And that pisses me off, both because he doesn't seem to care and because no one seems to understand how responsible I feel for other people. This stood out to me. Who are you referring to by "no one"? It might be worth reflecting on why you feel so responsible for everyone else. Again, I emphasize it's not a negative quality to be compassionate and helpful and giving. I applaud you for getting involved and raising awareness. But there is something to be said for keeping perspective and not letting yourself become fixated on other people at the expense of your own needs and personal relationships. I get the sense your boyfriend isn't the only person in your life who's pointed this out to you. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 This stood out to me. Who are you referring to by "no one"? It might be worth reflecting on why you feel so responsible for everyone else. Again, I emphasize it's not a negative quality to be compassionate and helpful and giving. I applaud you for getting involved and raising awareness. But there is something to be said for keeping perspective and not letting yourself become fixated on other people at the expense of your own needs and personal relationships. I get the sense your boyfriend isn't the only person in your life who's pointed this out to you. this i tried to bold i dont know if it worked..not feeling very smart at the moment.....but very true the last para you wrote........deb
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I have been with my boyfriend since January 2015. We've had our ups and downs. We like the same things but we're also different on many levels. For example, I care a lot about other people. I feel the need to help them, I feel good when I do so. I can't stop caring about others and their needs. It could be from helping an old woman cross the road or giving my clothes to refugees or making small donations to charities/animal shelters. Even if I do not actively help people in need, I spend my day on the internet and when I see something unfair, an injustice, I get mad, my blood starts boiling and I feel pessimistic about this world. Why would that happen? Why are people so mean? But when I see people helping each other, I feel very emotional. My boyfriend simply doesn't care. He never talks about the news (for example: London Bridge attack, syrian refugees, animal abuse, sexism etc) and when I talk about it, he just goes ''oh that's bad'' and that's it. Whereas my mood changes towards the worst when I see injustice and I give my life trying to make the world a better place, by informing others, talking to people who know more than me, participating in marches..I also want to volunteer in an animal shelter when I finish college. I'm a member in a few facebook groups and when I see someone (or an animal) in need whom I can help, I dive right in. One day I saw a kitty was stuck under a vehicle close by and I suggested we go help it and he laughed it off. I've discussed it with him but he denies he doesn't care. He says he has too many of his own problems to deal with social injustice (like we don't all have them...). He also things I care so much because I'm sensitive and a drama queen...He has also asked me in the past things like ''wht would you do If you found someone who loves you and treats you well but hits dogs?'' and I told him I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who doesn't feel anything when he hears people died (with the excuse that it's so common he can't be sad about each person), who doesn't show empathy or compassion. I'm not trying to say everyone should be like this. Because I do it, I realize it's very tiring. But I want my boyfriend to be like this. To love other people, to care about them, to not be ignorant and indifferent, to understand why I care so much because he feels the same way and not having to analyze my thought and then get a ''how sad'' in reply. What would you do? Would this be a deal-breaker for you? I was dating someone like your boyfriend. And I am like you - an empath. I could never, ever be in a long term commitment with someone who does not care about fighting injustice. It's just showing a complete difference in values. To me, it's the most fundamental thing in a relationship - that you share the same values! I think you will continue to feel uneasy about this, and if it really bothers you so much, he may not be the right fit for you! I am dating someone who cares about the same things as me (we both work in human rights), and I could not be happier to share these things with him! I think it's crucial, especially if justice is so important to you as well! THE FACT THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND CALLS YOU A DRAMA QUEEN BECAUSE YOU ARE A DECENT HUMAN BEING... speaks volumes. Urgh. How frustrating. How can you like this guy? PS: PM me if you wanna talk! I really understand what you are going through, because I have been there, and it's painful over time.
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I meant that the people I hang out with AND my boyfriend don't share the same sense of responsibility for other people and it has really got to me after all this time of not being able to be understood. My boyfriend has called me hyper sensitive and extreme because of how much I care. For example, a dead dog can ruin my day in a second and he'd always be like ''why are you acting like this? So many dogs die every day, if we were crying about each one of them, we'd have no life''. To reply to a comment made above, he's not that busy. It's just that he chooses to spend his time checking sports' scores, watching tennis and basketball and then worrying about his job. If he's not busy doing those, he spends time with me watching movies and if I talk to him about something bad happening in the world, he just shrugs it off because he can't handle all the 'negativity'. But I strongly believe problems won't solve themselves if we never talk about them. I'm also sad and pessimistic and tired when I talk about all the injustice in the world, but ignoring it doesn't make me a better person.
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I also want to stress that, contrary to what others may have replied on here, there is nothing wrong with you caring for others. You are an empath. You are who you are. This won't change. But at the same time, your bf is who he is, and that likely won't change. You can't change people. Not for worse or for better. They can only change themselves. You seem strong willed and confident. You know that what you do is the right thing. Don't have someone tell you otherwise. Peace x 1
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I also want to stress that, contrary to what others may have replied on here, there is nothing wrong with you caring for others. You are an empath. You are who you are. This won't change. But at the same time, your bf is who he is, and that likely won't change. You can't change people. Not for worse or for better. They can only change themselves. You seem strong willed and confident. You know that what you do is the right thing. Don't have someone tell you otherwise. Peace x Thank you. Thank you all for your replies, for caring about what I had to say. Some minutes ago, I talked about this again with him and as soon as I pointed out that we hold different values and that unfortunately that's a very serious issue he just went nuts and blocked me on every social network and told me to call his mom if I remember I've forgotten anything in his house.So, there's really nothing to do, he made the decision for me. You don't have to try and help me anymore. Thank you all.
mikeylo Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 He is who he is. Can you change and become like him ? Find someone who has similar beliefs as you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 OP, just to get a better idea of the context: How often would you say you're bringing up various injustices or sad events? And in what manner? In other words, is this a very frequent topic of conversation with your boyfriend or friends, and do you make it clear you expect them to react differently than they do? I am asking because the reactions you're getting from people in your life might have less to do with not caring about the issues, and more to do with how your message is being delivered. 1
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Whenever I see something unfair, I bring it up. I send links to them or talk to them in person at the moment I've found out about a case. If I send them a link I will say what I think about it or express how unfair it is and the replies I get are the same ''yeah things happen, what can we do''. They don't even express how sad they feel about the situation, less alone try to do something to change it. It's clear that they all have the same ''I have my own problems to solve and there are so many problems in the world that I can't solve them all so i won't even try to solve one'' mentality.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 What reaction would you prefer? And how often do you send links or bring it up? It might just be that because you do it so frequently, they've tuned you out and stopped paying much attention to you. You are not necessarily correct that they don't care; people do have their own lives and problems to attend to. You have to respect that, too. My friend's stepson is similar and has unfortunately alienated many people because he is angry and condescending when people don't share his views and passions. 1
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Thank you. Thank you all for your replies, for caring about what I had to say. Some minutes ago, I talked about this again with him and as soon as I pointed out that we hold different values and that unfortunately that's a very serious issue he just went nuts and blocked me on every social network and told me to call his mom if I remember I've forgotten anything in his house.So, there's really nothing to do, he made the decision for me. You don't have to try and help me anymore. Thank you all. What an idiot! You are better off without him. Sounds like he's not just an ignorant douchebag, but also a master manipulator.
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 https://www.thoughtco.com/pros-and-cons-of-being-an-empath-1729625 Food for thought.
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I don't know how often I do it but I'm certainly not the problem. My boyfriend has had the same mentality from the day we met and he didn't care to address the problem from day one. It's not that he cared the first, the second time and now I'm tiring him.
act00 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 You are way too moody and overly-emotional. If a dead dog just completely ruins your day, and you're all weepy and wounded, you would be a very difficult person to be around. Everyone handles bad things differently and you are over the top too hypersensitive. Sorry, but you need to work on that. You also need to decide if you want someone who at least shares in your interests a bit more. Not to the same degree, however. I agree with the above post that you need someone to reign you in. You really do need a balance and someone who can help you with some reality and help keep your emotions in check. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I don't know how often I do it but I'm certainly not the problem. My boyfriend has had the same mentality from the day we met and he didn't care to address the problem from day one. It's not that he cared the first, the second time and now I'm tiring him. So, why did you stay? If you saw this from the get-go, your mistake was believing you could change him. That's not realistic, and honestly, not your place.
Author martaxch Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Couldn't it just be I didn't know this was his personality? Why do I have to be the bad guy in this? I thought maybe he didn't have the time or he wasn't in the mood to care. Maybe he had other things on his mind and couldn't make space for what I was telling him. It wasn't about understanding he was a different person and thinking I could change him. And when I did realize this was who he was I thought I wouldn't mind it as much as that I could 'make a sacrifice' because we were compatible on so many other levels. I didn't want to ruin our relationship because of one thing. Then, I figured out that the feeling doesn't go away and that every time things like that happen he'll be indifferent and I'll be sad and caring and that that this difference will always persist.
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 It pisses me off how people are giving you a hard time on here without doing further research... and by showcasing exactly what you said is wrong with the world. "You are too hypersensitive. You should work on that!" Who are these people to judge? You don't need to work on it to please others. Everyone is different. Some people are empaths, most aren't. I am happy people like you exist, because if they wouldn't the world would be an even sadder place than it already is. You are okay the way you are. I know exactly how you feel. But just to make your own life a bit easier, try to not read the news so much! I work in human rights and I am glued to the news every day and it really can make your OWN life too miserable, especially if you are an empath. Give YOURSELF time to breathe and enjoy the good things in life, and try to see the best in people whenever you can. There are good people around and there are also people who understand you. Maybe you haven't met them yet, but I am sure you will. Peace x
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Couldn't it just be I didn't know this was his personality? Of course. However, your own wording implied you have known for a long time that this difference existed. It's also not about being "the bad guy." It's about taking responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship as well. That often takes two, and you clearly said earlier that "I'm not the problem." Rarely is it ever just one person causing all of the issues, though. In any case, as you now know, you two weren't compatible enough to make it work and he evidently felt that way too. You wanted each other to be different people, which ultimately eats away at a relationship. You are now free to search out someone who does have a similar mentality and passions. He just wasn't it for you. 2
heavenonearth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Of course. However, your own wording implied you have known for a long time that this difference existed. It's also not about being "the bad guy." It's about taking responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship as well. That often takes two, and you clearly said earlier that "I'm not the problem." Rarely is it ever just one person causing all of the issues, though. In any case, as you now know, you two weren't compatible enough to make it work and he evidently felt that way too. You wanted each other to be different people, which ultimately eats away at a relationship. You are now free to search out someone who does have a similar mentality and passions. He just wasn't it for you. FFS, stop giving the girl hell, her boyfriend just went psycho on her. Let's agree he was a douchebag and move on!
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