Imezru2 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I have dated an amazing woman for almost a year. Her marriage ended due to her husband cheating on her. I had a long term affair during my marriage (my ex never found out). While I have told her about a one night stand I had during my marriage and that there were a couple of other times during my marriage that I wasn't faithful, she doesn't know about the long term affair. I literally have not so much as looked at another woman since I layed my eyes on my girlfriend. She is everything I wanted when I didn't think what I wanted existed. The dilemma I am facing is that she has asked a couple times through out our relationship for me to tell her something she doesn't know about me... I want so bad to tell her but I'm afraid that it may be a deal breaker and end a relationship that is as close to perfect as I have ever had. Do I tell her or just make sure that I learn from my mistakes and if she were to ever find out just explain that it was the past and she is my future?
Bastile Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 So, you never told your ex wife that you had a long term affair on her. But you have a desperate desire to tell this new bird, who's business that it is really none of. I'm a bit confused by that. 2
Author Imezru2 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Yes. I just want to do things right this time and not have any skeletons in the closet so to speak. I just don't know if she would see my not telling her as a betrayal to her. I feel like it's not exactly a minor detail that I'm leaving out here... just don't want it to cost me an awesome relationship when it is something that is completely in the past.
Bastile Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Yes. I just want to do things right this time and not have any skeletons in the closet so to speak. I just don't know if she would see my not telling her as a betrayal to her. I feel like it's not exactly a minor detail that I'm leaving out here... just don't want it to cost me an awesome relationship when it is something that is completely in the past. Could always link everything together, and tell her in the indirect manner. "I've been feeling really guilty about an affair I had on my ex-wife. I'm a much better person now, and I'm determined to be a better person. Do you think I should tell her, or let sleeping dogs lie?"
Royosu Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 If you have honestly changed...then I wouldn't tell her. But, only you know the real answer to that. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Could always link everything together, and tell her in the indirect manner. "I've been feeling really guilty about an affair I had on my ex-wife. I'm a much better person now, and I'm determined to be a better person. Do you think I should tell her, or let sleeping dogs lie?" how far into your relationship did you have the affair long term affair,and betray your wife.... to be honest..i do the honesty thing with guys i am in a relationship with, they tell me everything...because i am open..partly i feel because they feel the urge to unload and that they feel they can...they trust me......so they do unload............and i find it hard to deal with when they tell me they have cheated....for sure ...they drop in my estimation..... often enough for me to not feel like i should continue with them....a long term affair is a conscious decision not a mistake..... do you really feel you can be faithful..how are you sure of that, what makes you feel so sure you wont cheat.....??...deb 3
CptInsano Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 If you have honestly changed...then I wouldn't tell her. But, only you know the real answer to that. Exactly. The OP has either changed or not. If so, there is no need to tell her, and he shouldn't continue with a committed relationship if he has not. I find most confessions self-serving: They help the one who confesses, but place a burden on the one on the receiving side. 1
SevenCity Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Keep your mouth shut. Nothing good will come out of this. Who you are now is a different person and introducing doubt will undermine her trust in you and have her thinking "I wonder if he is going to do that to me". Trust me, you will regret it if you say anything. Keep the past in the past and don't let it ruin your future. 4
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Keep your mouth shut. Nothing good will come out of this. Who you are now is a different person and introducing doubt will undermine her trust in you and have her thinking "I wonder if he is going to do that to me". Trust me, you will regret it if you say anything. Keep the past in the past and don't let it ruin your future. I agree. And hopefully you HAVE vowed to ever do that to anyone again. 1
SevenCity Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 To add.... If you do tell her the effects may not be felt for YEARS. Things like this are a cancer. They fester overtime and eventually become overwhelming. In the beginning of a RL (with the right girl) you want to be honest and upfront and it is usually appreciated. But, depending on the girl, over time it can cause a rift of which you will be unaware until it completely destroys your relationship. I made the mistake of being honest with the amount of women I slept with prior to my ex. Never again. For our entire relationship she always was bothered by it and ultimately left me (not specifically for that, but it was another nail in my coffin). To repeat, STFU. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 What I'm finding interesting is that she's asking . . . which may say she suspects you're not telling her something and/or she's still feeling the effects of her cheating husband and not trusting a new partner. And, if the latter is true, she's going to be watching you closely. It's one thing that the ex never found out, but the truth is that the hardest skeletons in the closet to ignore are the "skeletons" that we carry around inside of us. You'll have to evaluate whether or not you can pack up the guilt of hiding it from her now that she's asked. That's the hard thing. Do you carry around any guilt about "getting away" with it with your EX? This kind of thing shows up in our behavior sometimes in ways we don't realize which raises a partners radar. They may not be able to put their finger on it, but they have an inkling. I can't tell you what to do . . . and I wish you luck. 2
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Listen, I am a woman and I don't want to know if my BF cheated on his exs. It would be over-sharing and it would change the image I have of him forever. Maybe he did, maybe he did not, I don't know but he's smart enough to keep it dead. Your girlfriend thinks, out of inexperience, that sharing all the ugly details of your past will bring you closer. It won't. 2
O'Malley Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 There's no easy answer here. She knows that you were repeatedly unfaithful during your marriage, so at this point I don't see the purpose of a further disclosure. I agree that if you're still having ambivalent feelings or guilt about your past choices, your gf could pick up on those feelings and misinterpret them. The bigger question is if you'll turn to the same outlets you chose in your marriage when issues arise in this relationship - that's something you need to come to terms with. 2
SevenCity Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 listen, i am a woman and i don't want to know if my bf cheated on his exs. It would be over-sharing and it would change the image i have of him forever. Maybe he did, maybe he did not, i don't know but he's smart enough to keep it dead. your girlfriend thinks, out of inexperience, that sharing all the ugly details of your past will bring you closer. It won't. ^^^^this^^^^ 1
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Listen, I am a woman and I don't want to know if my BF cheated on his exs. It would be over-sharing and it would change the image I have of him forever. Maybe he did, maybe he did not, I don't know but he's smart enough to keep it dead. Your girlfriend thinks, out of inexperience, that sharing all the ugly details of your past will bring you closer. It won't. Hear hear!!
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 IMO when you have someone that continuously probes for past info is INSECURE. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING good will ever come out of being with someone like that....you have been warned. 2
SevenCity Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 IMO when you have someone that continuously probes for past info is INSECURE. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING good will ever come out of being with someone like that....you have been warned. I have found this myself. Unfortunately, most women I've met are insecure about one thing or another. Some, like my ex, are over the top. She was jealous of everything about my past. She was even jealous of my dog. One time while picking out paint colors at home depot, this gay guy pretty much undressed me with his eyes - she was jealous of that! I, on the other hand, was flattered 1
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 There is nothing wrong with subtle insecurities.....like "Does my ass look too big in these jeans?".....but it's another when their focus is knowing the other's skeletons in their closet. Us old gals know, there is no point in dwelling in the past, and if the other wants to give up some info, it should be done on their own accord. 2
Arieswoman Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Imezru2, It seems to me that you have 2 choices here; 1. Keep schtum about it. This means that you take the secret to your grave. All the time you are with this lady you will then question whether she would still be with you if she knew this information? If the issue is bugging you now, imagine what it will feel like in 5, 10 years time. This is all supposing that the woman involved doesn't spill the beans. If she does then not only will you be seen as a cheater, but as a liar as well. I doubt if your new g/f could cope with this double betrayal. 2. You fess up, knowing it could bust your relationship wide open. Before you choose to go down that road I suggest you do some work on yourself, get therapy, whatever and try and find out what it was about you that made you choose to cheat. Then, when you tell your g/f you can say that you've done some serious self-examination seen the error of your ways and are confident that you won't repeat the mistake. She may or may not be reassured by that, but at least you will have tried. I say this because you say how wonderful your g/f is, yet surely you also thought that about your wife, yet you cheated on her? As others have said, a long-term affair isn't a one-off aberration, it's a conscious choice of action that requires planning. The fact that your g/f is questioning you, tells me her intuition is telling her something. She may well be insecure, but then she has something to be insecure about, hasn't she? You have two choices and both of them are $h!££y but then, you made this bed etc. 1
Miss Peach Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) I will be the dissenter here but I will admit I prefer the oversharing relationship with brutally honest communication. My BF didn't actually have sex but he did some things his ex didn't find out about that I would be furious about and hurt if I had been in her situation. I'm happy he told me and I have never held it over his head for things that happened prior. I have only held over him things that have happened while we were together. I have faced my own betrayal with him and the only reason he didn't get dumped on the spot was he was honest to me. If I had caught any sort of lying or evasion I would have been gone. For me, I would be asking questions to try to figure out what, if anything, you learned from the situation. Your views of these things now. Etc. And BTW - I find it uncanny what my intuition has told me... Edited June 16, 2017 by Miss Peach 2
mortensorchid Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 No, no. Don't tell the gf about your past. It's over and done with, you're done and you're wanting to be with the gf. You know within yourself if you have changed or not, be okay it and don't bring things up to her.
Recommended Posts