Tfence61 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 This is my 1st post sorry bear with me if it's to long. I'm in a sexless marriage and it's killing me. I have been married 7 yrs together 12 yrs this is my second marriage his third. Our 1st yr together we lived with his Dad at Dad's house. My husband is a good man he is very good to me except for his intimacy issues. Every time something comes up with him I seem to always make excuses for his behavior. The 1st yr I was in heaven we were finally together, every chance I got I'd lay him down and just kiss him all over he never really kissed me back. (1st excuse) poor guy his teeth are so bad he's just being thoughtful of me his teeth were bad because he is a type 1diabetic he has been for 51 yrs now. So he got dentures a few yrs later I thought goodie I can't wait for a big wet kiss from him, it never happened. There was never much foreplay from him, (2nd excuse) poor guy he is so tired when he gets home and the diabetes takes its tole, it's alright he deserves to be pampered he will come around, soon I was hoping. he never did. I can honestly say I have never met a man that didn't like receiving oral sex until I got with my hubby and forget ever receiving it from him it makes him gag, (3rd excuse) his gag reflex is so sensitive it will be ok I can live without it. A very close friend asked me why I ever stayed I really thought hard for the answer I just knew it was because I never gave him a chance I was on him every night like a dog in heat I just thought he was enjoying it so much. He hadn't had sex with his previous wife in 9yrs so (#4) if I give him a chance I'm sure he will rock my world, boy was I wrong. The yrs that have followed it has gotten a little worse every year. Because of diabetes he of course suffers with ED he used to use a ring and it worked most times then he just quit using it at all (#5) it must bother him maybe even hurt it's ok He loves me he will figure things out. He tells me you never come to bed with me that's why we're not intamate. I made a point to go to bed every night when he did just to see if we would be intamate, we never were. I have tried talking to him explaining how it makes me feel, I've cried, screamed, talked, I have written letters, I even found articles on intamacy issues the only thing he got from it was his words it says it's alright not being intamate with your wife if your sick and I'm sick but, not to sick to work full time or work in the yard or grocery shop every week or run errands or do repairs on the house or play with your dog and not to sick to have 3or4 drinks a night bourbon of course but your to sick to be intamate with me. (#6) it's me he isn't attracted to me probably never was. I feel dirty when I want him like I'm a pervert that's exactly how he makes me feel, dirty and nasty for wanting him. When I have talked to him about how I feel he always has excuses why it's my fault, if you were nicer to me I'd want you, if you came to bed with me I'd have you. Why does he do and say this if he won't be with me ? is this my fault? am I guilty of something so bad, love is supposed to be a good thing he just doesn't get it. I have suggested counseling, no way when April and I went all I was told was to take her on vacation I don't have the money for that. I could go on and on about all this and how much it hurts me that he does not ever want me. In 5 Yrs we have had sexual contact 5 times, it hurts so bad being with the man you love and he has no desire for you at all. (excuse7) I am so selfish he is sick and all I want is sex from him I just want him to love and want me as much as I love and want him. I wish he could understand you can be close and intamate with me with out actually having full penatration. I guess he must feel like he isn't a man if he can't have full blown sex with me, he is so far off his rocker I'd be so happy and content if he would just hold me maybe kiss me once in a while. I feel like I'm living with my brother.
crystalstevens Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 True, sex ISN'T everything in a marriage. But WHY are you really with him? Do you have any commitments that are worth sacrificing your own happiness? That might sound too crass, but it sounds like you're going crazy over one issue... which is sex (intimacy) in this case. Also, have you asked him why he's really with you?
mikeylo Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Sex is just a tip of the iceberg. This is the case of outside of bedroom issue brought inside the bedroom. Counseling is in order. 1
Author Tfence61 Posted June 17, 2017 Author Posted June 17, 2017 I agree 100 % but with him it's not something a real man does ( counseling) I believe he is deeply scared by something he refuses to talk about his feelings unless pushed in a corner. He tells me he knows things aren't right the way he is with me and he says he is sorry but never changes.
spiderowl Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 It is not your fault he has no interest in having sex with you. It could be he has no sex drive or it could be he just does not like sex. You love him and he seems otherwise able to to do most things. Most people who have illnesses are desperate to be able to keep their sex lives as it is a pleasure in life whereas the pain of illness is not. Does he have other issues in dealing with life - sensory issues generally such as issues with food or the clothing he wears? I am wondering if he may be on the autistic spectrum. This is not to say that people on the spectrum do not like sex but sensory issues may prevent some from enjoying something that is essentially quite undignified and can be messy. Honestly, you feel deprived and unloved. Is this marriage really worth that? You could be with someone who would be over the moon to have the chance to make love with you. It is a shame but we are complex beings and we do need to feel we are living as full a life as possible. Sex is pleasurable and fun; why should you have to voluntarily deprive yourself of it to stay with your husband. Having said that, how would he feel if you found yourself a boyfriend who was happy to make love? Would your husband be upset or relieved? 1
aileD Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 The 1st yr I was in heaven we were finally together, What does that mean? Was he married when you met him? No sex with his ex wife in 9 years? You're his 3rfd wife ? Why did the last two marriages fail? How old are you?
Ahurtgirl Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 If being intimate is very important to you, you might need to end your relationship and move on. Having been in a marriage with no intimacy, I can understand how it really is a deal breaker. Don't waste your youth hoping it gets better. After five years, you know that it will never change.
Author Tfence61 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 There's so much more to share I'll keep it short, I promise. His last 2 marriages weren't to good. 1st one failed after 6 months she was unfaithful, I wonder why? 2nd marriage disaster they were married 19 yrs and probably together a total of 5 or 6 yrs. We were both married at the time we got together. Let me explain how we know each other we met in 1976, my Mom was dating his Dad at the time my hubby was 19 and I was only 15. We messed around 1or 2 times, just heavy petting. he was worried about my age, I can understand that. I knew the very 1st time we met some day we would be together my Mom landed up marring his dad, they were only married 6yrs but remained good friends. My hubby and myself always knew what the other one was up to there were times I go to his dad's and he would be there. I'd get so nervous and I could always feel his eyes watching me. I was in a bad marriage and it felt so right when we were together. My biggest concern was he was kind of thrown into things. The night I left my husband I had to beg him to let me come over. We feel asleep after some clumsy love making and didn't wake up till morning I couldn't go back home now. We had to sneak around his dad was so again us getting together he'd go to work and I go to my son's house or go to beach the second morning I was there I asked him to please lock door I did not want his dad to find out I was there he said no don't worry my dad never comes in my room, well that morning he did, caught me in bed in my PJ's. I didn't know where I would go, I just knew I wasnt going back cause I knew if I did I'd never leave again. I talked to my mom and asked her if she thought Al(hubby dad) would let me move in with him. He said yes. I think the only reason he did was because he hated my 1st husband so bad. I spent 2 nights with him and wham ,I'm moving in. When I asked if he was upset he said no he was glad when he got home and I was there. Who knows what he was thinking There have been red flags this whole relationship telling me he's got issues with intamacy and love. He told me more than a few times every time I've gotten married my wives change, no he changed almost like, well she is mine now so I can quit with everything, basically he's checked out. He is 60 I am 56. These are our last few yrs. and I think we should be happy. I wish he would let me teach him how to let go and enjoy the time were together. He would never do that because he thinks he knows just how to do it all he would flip out if I told him I was going to teach him how to saduce a women. We were arguing one time about sex, what else. Anyway he said to me and He was serious he pulled down his pants and underwear and pointed to his penis saying you know it's broken, I feel like I need to find someone to have sex with you. I was so hurt so upset instead of him trying to do something out of his comfort zone for me he'd let me have sex with another man.He has always told me he would never forgive his partner for being unfaithful to him. If the shoe were on the other foot I'd be so so worried my mate would be unfaithful, I'd be doing everything in my book to keep him sexually content I have never been unfaithful to him, I wouldn't trust myself if a man showed any interest in me. I told my hubby one time I need to get laid meaning by him, he came unglued got so pissed off I stopped him and told him you are my husband. I should be able to tell you these things. The next day he actually said he was wrong I was right and should be able to tell him how I feel. I truthfully think he does love me to. The best of his ability. I really feel like this is the ultimate control, he knows I won't be unfaithful he also knows I'm really stuck I have no place I could go if I left him and I don't make enough money to support myself. Now it's basically me just wanting him to listen to how I feel and at least try to understand why I'm not happy. He just doesn't get it his life would be so much easier if he'd just show me a little affection. I know he's tired all the time and doesn't feel to good most days but damn it if he keeps doing this to me I will leave. Has anyone ever been in a place with lots of ppl ?but your lonely, that's my last 12 yrs with hubby.
MJJean Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) If you don't want to be in a sexless marriage get a divorce. If you aren't willing to get a divorce, then this is your life. Apparently, the first two wives had the right idea. Edited June 18, 2017 by MJJean
Author Tfence61 Posted June 18, 2017 Author Posted June 18, 2017 I don't want to be in a sexless marriage but I am. I don't want to throw away our relationship by divorce. I think now days so many people think divorce is the answer. I take my wedding vows very serious. I will fight for this relationship till I have no more fight left in me. I just want to feel close to my hubby again. I miss what we 1st had when we got together. I hope someday he will realize how much I love him and not realize this because I have left him.
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 You have tried to communicate with him and he is not changing. You have suggested counselling. What more can you do? It seems you can either accept the current situation and live in a sexless marriage, risk an affair (which might end in divorce anyway), or leave. I realise this would be difficult unless you can get yourself an income somehow. I am sorry you are in this difficult situation. It seems a lot of people find that things change when they have been married for a while and they end up in a sexless marriage (men seem more likely to report this on here).
Recommended Posts