joydivision Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 After dating my girlfriend for 11 months and both of us completely being utterly in love she's decided we need a break. We lived separately until now but for the last three weeks before the break we lived together whilst house sitting her best friends home. I did everything possible at home for those three weeks in terms of 'living' vacuumed, washed windows on the weekend and cut grass on the weekend, kept the bathroom spotless, never left a glass behind. I know the living together was no problem. In that time she became a little cold and distant towards me. I asked her what was up and she said she was unsure if I was the one. She made it clear that I was the best guy she had ever met, could not have treated her better and that I'm any girls dream etc. My problem is I'm aware I've been a little down in mood as I was recently promoted and working 11 hour days 6 days a week in a position I don't want. She's been a little down because she's still studying (psych) and hasn't found a job for 2 months. We've both been a bit irritable with our situations. I brought it up and she was completely unaware how I thought she'd been acting towards me and this fear struck her face like she knew it was all wrong. The next day she sat me down and said she wants to take a break. She's not sure if she's in love with me. She says the break is a precaution so we don't avoid the issue and don't regret it in the future. Normally if a girl said she loves me but was unsure if was IN love with me I would simply say, "goodbye". This isn't the same though..we've spoken about marriage with each other, having children together and even their names. Up until living together we have been each others rocks. She messaged me after 2 days saying she missed me, I replied back saying I miss her too and today (day 6) I asked her how she was going (she had an exam and job interview today) all good but still wants more time to figure herself and us out. Am I a fool for hanging around? Am I missing anything?
Bastile Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) Cool username Breaks are often someone trying out being single again, with the insurance policy of going back to you if it doesn't work out. Expect her to see other people. She messaged me after 2 days saying she missed me, all good but still wants more time to figure herself and us out. She's checking your pulse. I'll give you two quick examples of a break. One from myself, and one from my best friend. One of my girlfriends suggested a break to me when I was just a kid and had no idea what it was. I was confused and baffled - not knowing what that meant. Though she insisted that we weren't breaking up lol So I just went "no contact" (before I knew what that was either), but I also stayed faithful for the couple of weeks we were on this break. She would sometimes send random stuff, which was checking that I was still on the hook. Anyway, I found out that she was in contact with her ex. So, I phoned her and broke up. She actually hated me for some years over that - kept badmouting me in social circles. It's a failed monkey-swing. Not technically cheating, but very clever and sneaky. And it's taking liberties with your good nature. Same thing happened a while back with my best mate. His girl suggested a break, and he told her that wasn't happening. She dropped it, and they continued for another month or two. Then she broke up with him, and got in a serious relationship with someone else within a week. He was furious about it I think it would be wise to consider yourself single. And consider her single now too. Not sure if you should want her back, tbh. Depends on the particular circumstances. Edited June 16, 2017 by Bastile 1
Royosu Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 What advice would you give your best friend in the same situation? Listen to that. Personally, there are many red flags....so I think you should get out man. Also, try this test......try to ignore her calls etc. If she starts reaching out to you more, then you need to end it.
SevenCity Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 What advice would you give your best friend in the same situation? Listen to that. Personally, there are many red flags....so I think you should get out man. Also, try this test......try to ignore her calls etc. If she starts reaching out to you more, then you need to end it. I'm curious of the logic behind the bolded as I've never heard the advice. OP - You should not consider this a break, you should consider it a break up. She is basically saying that she doesn't love you and wants to see if she is ok without you before she breaks it off. It's a very selfish way of handling it. If it were me, I would tell her it's over. You deserve to be with someone who is 100% sure they want to be with you. There is a girl out there who will be blowing up your phone and tripping over herself to get to spend time with you. You just have to find her. Contrast that with your current gf who is lukewarm about you and isn't sure if she wants to be there. Which girl would you rather have? Not to say it won't be painful, but the only thing you can do in these situations is walk and never look back. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I think the intensity of the 24/7 scared her & she's backing off. After the first intense time with any SO (usually a vacation) I often need some time apart from that person. I hesitate to call it a break but I honestly just want some solitude. Talk to her if you can & find out where her head is actually at. If she just needs a couple of days (no more than a week), back off but make a light fun short plan for next weekend. If she is really thinking about the fundamental viability of the relationship, this is a break up. Move on.
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I am sorry to say but: Find the other man. When someone makes a full turn around like this most of the time a 3rd party is involved. I have seen it too many times. At first people say she's not like this, impossible she spends all of her time with me, etc etc. Then the truth comes out. It's a new man at work, school, on FB, he's not far. 1
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 After dating my girlfriend for 11 months and both of us completely being utterly in love she's decided we need a break. Couples that are utterly in love do not need breaks. There has been small changes in her that you are ignoring.
basil67 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 'Transmission' just leaped into my head when I saw your name. I suspect it's going to be today's ear worm. In your situation, I would probably tell her to take the time she needs but make it clear that I wouldn't be waiting for her. I'd tell her that if she changes her mind she should reach out and IF I was still interested, we could give it another try. But most of all, don't be too available for her. Allow her to miss you. If she wants you to stay close, she always has the option of being in a relationship with you.
OnlyHonesty Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Taking a break, is code word for sleeping around, and keeping you as the backup plan (just in case the grass doesn't turn out to be green enough). Personally, if a woman suggested a break, I'd give her what she wanted...a permanent one. As soon as you agree with her taking a break, you communicate on some level that your esteem is not particularly high, you have few options, questionable self respect, and she has power over you. It's very likely she will see another guy, and she will already have one in mind. Breaks are for cowards that want to have their cake and sleep with it. You are allowing this because your judgement is clouded by chemicals, and she is trying to find more of those chemicals elsewhere. All are symptoms of a relationship that is based more on ego, than true connection. 1
Maggie4 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I think the biggest problem is that she said she's not in love with you anymore. That's a pretty serious thing to say. I can understand taking a break if something happened for example she had a death in family, been diagnosed with cancer, or you two had a huge fight and need to cool off. But this is simply : her feelings for you have changed. Should you wait? Wait for what?
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