Ferd87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Been using this website from afar for the past 2/3 years and I have to say that the advice on here is great. The comments and situations on here have made me feel less alone and I’m grateful for that I’m wondering now if you guys can help me? I was dating my ex last year for a few months. Unfortunately I had to move home because I couldn’t afford to stay… my ex subsequently broke up with me because he wasn’t interested in a LDR. There was no attempt to keep things going, he just gave up! He told me that he wanted to find someone closer to him and just shut me out. I got no support from him during this time, he just stopped talking to me. I was very angry last year because of this so we argued quite a bit until he eventually blocked me. I’ve been blocked now for a full year via all avenues… I managed to get talking to him about a month ago. I sent a nice polite text asking him if he would like to be friendly again and would he mind unblocking me. I always felt bad that we had argued and I sort of wanted to let by gones be by gones so to speak. I’ll admit that I’m still not over him (but I mainly wanted to clear the air and see that he wasn’t mad at me anymore). I had hoped that this would finally allow me to move on. He replied, very coldly, with “I have a girlfriend now so I don’t want anything to do with you”. I messaged back saying that I was happy for him and that I wished him well, and how it’s a pity that we can’t be friendly. He then replied with a very angry and cold message about the last few things that I said to him, and how he’ll never, ever unblock me. I apologised, wished him well, and he hasn’t responded since. Now what I’m asking here is why after a year is the man still angry at me? We argued at the end yes, but he wasn’t actually very nice to me himself (he basically used me for sex). He also said some horrible things but of course that wasn't mentioned (and I wouldn’t be able to anyway because he would grow more angry!). He used to criticise my appearance and only would ever talk to me when he wasn’t with his friends (he would even turn up at my door when I specifically told him that I was busy because he “ wouldn’t have time for the next few days because I’m going out”). I’m just wondering how can someone be this callous and mean? I feel these messages are vindictive and its purpose is to hurt me. I’ve had bad relationships in the past (where I was treated horribly, far worse than a few words that I said to him) but I have forgiven them all and now maintain an amiable relationship with all of them. I used to think the men before him were horrible, but this level of apathy is something that I have not come across before. Now I feel guilty over something that I apologised for last (and again) this year, when no apology was given on his side. What am I supposed to do? I kind of felt that he was always angry at me so I reached out to see if we could salvage something (not in a romantic way, but in a “oh its fine, don’t worry!” sort of way). I feel like he’s denied me this by making me feel guilty!
Zahara Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 This isn't about your ex anymore. You have to ask yourself why is it that a man that has treated you based on the following is someone that you had to seek out for approval and validation a year later. - he wasn’t actually very nice to me himself - he basically used me for sex - he also said some horrible things - he used to criticise my appearance - only would ever talk to me when he wasn’t with his friends I’m just wondering how can someone be this callous and mean? How can you wonder when you note the above while you were in a relationship with him? If he didn't value you during the relationship, why would he now? I’ve had bad relationships in the past (where I was treated horribly, far worse than a few words that I said to him) but I have forgiven them all and now maintain an amiable relationship with all of them. You keep seeking amicable outcomes with people that treat you horribly. That usually comes from a need to be liked and your need to receive validation and acceptance from those that rejected you. Once that happens, you feel better about yourself rather than you feeling validated by your own sense of self. Forget about your ex. Focus on yourself. 2
preraph Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 You need to open your eyes. He was abusive and critical and noninclusive when you were with him, and nothing has changed, so why would you expect him to be a nice guy now? He was always bad. So now he's done with you, he relishes being extra mean to you because that's the kind of bad person he is. You need to find out why you don't feel you deserve any better than this. Your self-esteem must be low for you to think that treatment was okay and also to keep crawling back to it! Please get help because you'll keep choosing bad guys until you feel better about yourself.
MountainGirl111 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I’ve had bad relationships in the past (where I was treated horribly, far worse than a few words that I said to him) but I have forgiven them all and now maintain an amiable relationship with all of them. I used to think the men before him were horrible, but this level of apathy is something that I have not come across before. Now I feel guilty over something that I apologised for last (and again) this year, when no apology was given on his side. What am I supposed to do? I kind of felt that he was always angry at me so I reached out to see if we could salvage something (not in a romantic way, but in a “oh its fine, don’t worry!” sort of way). I feel like he’s denied me this by making me feel guilty! Let's get real....there is no relationship to 'maintain' with him; amiable or otherwise. Unless you share children together. If you have more peace within by not harboring ill feelings toward him then acheive that for yourself. But, you have no control over what kinds of feelings he has toward you. And honestly, I have to wonder why you would want to "maintain" an amiable relationship with people who mistreated you so much. It's GREAT that you've forgiven them. But that doesn't mean you are obligated to 'maintain' a relationship with them. If you want to and that suits you, fine. But he doesn't have to be like them. No one makes you feel residual guilt without your consent, in the long run. If you are feeling guilty, ask yourself why and if there is really nothing there... let it go.
basil67 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Oh hon, with the way you describe him - I have no idea why you'd want to be friends with him.
Author Ferd87 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 And honestly, I have to wonder why you would want to "maintain" an amiable relationship with people who mistreated you so much. It's GREAT that you've forgiven them. But that doesn't mean you are obligated to 'maintain' a relationship with them. If you want to and that suits you, fine. But he doesn't have to be like them. By amiable I mean no hard feelings, I don't actually speak to any of my previous exes at all unless I see them out on the street or when on a night out. They've tried to get back with me in the past and will message every now and then, but I always respond with a polite no and a few messages here and there asking how things are. I'm apathetic towards them now so I don't see the problem in being friendly and gracious, I'm not angry anymore so why act it? What am I asking here is why isn't this man the same? Why is he so angry over something that happened a year ago! I've been treated far worse and yet I've managed to move on from it and wish people the best. I'm worried that he may be bad-mouthing me to others also.
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