elaine567 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Please exhaust all the possibilities before you ... cheat. . Too late. . I have been paying a woman that I met online to have sex once a week. ___________________ 1
knabe Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 My 2 cents. The majority of the western world will likely at least pay lip-service to the belief that cheating on someone to whom you promised fidelity is wrong. Let's get real. This whole "no moral absolutes" thing seem very chic and nouveau. But most people have a pretty common set of ethics, and cheating violates them. I agree with that standard set of values. Cheating is wrong. I also agree that withholding sex is wrong. Sex is THE main thing that separates the marriage relationship from your buddy or roommate. There's always a group on every forum (usually women) who vehemently defend a woman's right to deprive her husband, but I think that's BS. So, IMO, you are wrong to cheat, and your wife is JUST AS WRONG to knowingly deprive you. 6
Southern Sun Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I was high drive. Then multiple kids happened, life got hectic. We were both busy. We got into that boring life cycle. I was confused as to why is didn't want to have sex anymore and what did that mean. It bothered me, probably to the point it caused the issue to be worse. We would have sex but it wasn't enjoyable any longer. It wasn't anything he wasn't doing/was doing in the bedroom that was the problem... he was always amazing in bed. So what was it? What did it mean? Then we would go on vacation together. And there we were having sex like little rabbits. And even better, I desired it, I WANTED it, I was constantly turned on. I didn't want to leave the room. So what was it? Well, the distractions, the mundane every day crap, the exhaustion, etc on both our parts. Probably a lot like an affair when all your attention is focused strictly on each other... that is how it was for us on vacation. But no one can love their lives on vacation. Is there a way you guys can put away time for each other? And don't have it be all about sex because that will put too much pressure on the situation. Anyway, just a thought from one used to be very high drive but found myself low drive after many years and kids to a husband of a now low drive spouse Honestly, this description right here sums up (to me) so much of how sex becomes a burden in our relationships. One person is almost always going to want it more than the other person. I wonder if it's possible to have a pairing who is just always perfectly in sync regarding when both want sex. I would say not. Most of the time, one person will be considered "high drive" and the other, if ONLY BY COMPARISON, will be considered "low drive." Ironically, put that low drive person in a relationship with a different person, and they might be high drive. Or be high drive by comparison to the other person. It's all so subjective and relative. But we literally make each other feel defective by virtue of how we ourselves are feeling. Or we make our own selves feel defective by virtue of how our partners are feeling. We stress out and have anxiety - what's wrong? Why don't they want us? Or, oh no...what if I don't want sex tonight? What do I say? We can't communicate how we feel because our partners can't handle it. Where is the maturity? The self-awareness? The compassion? It goes both ways, yes. It's all so emotionally-laden. Truly, if there was one thing I could change about my relationship, it would be this. It would be to take all the freaking stress and judgment and overthinking and pressure out of it. It's exhausting. When I read on this board about GOOD sexual relationships between long term couples vs my own...or others who are not in a good place...I think all this crap is a huge part of the problem and a defining difference. 2
Overtaxed Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Honestly, this description right here sums up (to me) so much of how sex becomes a burden in our relationships. One person is almost always going to want it more than the other person. I wonder if it's possible to have a pairing who is just always perfectly in sync regarding when both want sex. I would say not. Most of the time, one person will be considered "high drive" and the other, if ONLY BY COMPARISON, will be considered "low drive." Ironically, put that low drive person in a relationship with a different person, and they might be high drive. Or be high drive by comparison to the other person. It's all so subjective and relative. But we literally make each other feel defective by virtue of how we ourselves are feeling. Or we make our own selves feel defective by virtue of how our partners are feeling. We stress out and have anxiety - what's wrong? Why don't they want us? Or, oh no...what if I don't want sex tonight? What do I say? We can't communicate how we feel because our partners can't handle it. Where is the maturity? The self-awareness? The compassion? It goes both ways, yes. It's all so emotionally-laden. Truly, if there was one thing I could change about my relationship, it would be this. It would be to take all the freaking stress and judgment and overthinking and pressure out of it. It's exhausting. When I read on this board about GOOD sexual relationships between long term couples vs my own...or others who are not in a good place...I think all this crap is a huge part of the problem and a defining difference. I hear you, I do. It's exhausting for the HD partner too. Does she feel like it tonight? Should I give up or just keep trying? She turned over, does that mean no? Despite some opinions to the contrary, the HD partner doesn't want to force his/her partner to have sex with them, they want them to want to have sex with them. As the HD, it's your "job" to get the other person in the mood, but it's exhausting, yes; you feel like everything has to be "perfect" to get there. And you know they care a LOT less than you do, so, which feel like "rejection" or "I just don't love you as much as you love me". True? Maybe, but probably not. Just the difference between people. Here's the thing I think we all need to realize. You won't die without sex (for the HD partner) but your marriage will suffer (for the LD partner). If sex doesn't feel good, even when your not in the mood, there's a problem (for the LD partner). Learn to read the signs that your partner really does NOT want it vs could take it or leave it (HD partner). It has to be a balancing act, I see so many "my body, my choice" threads on here, which, end of the day is true. But it can also be said for just about everything and be true; I can choose to get fat, I can choose to sleep with someone else, I can even choose to D. Are any of these choices going to lead to a better relationship? Of course not, and I think the rejection of romantic/sexual advances from the HD has to be seen the same way. Sure, we all have bad days, and we all don't feel like it all the time (yes, even guys). But a pattern of continual rejection, which, honestly, has never been a problem in my M, but is like THE problem in most of my friend's M's that I know about is a huge hurdle in a M, it really is. And summing it up as "I don't feel like it" or "My body, my choice" really belittles what those choices do to the relationship. 2
Cephalopod Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Thanks for the reply...I have given that energy to doing all of the romantic and special things a wife would want. She would not be open to an open marriage. I wish I knew what the issue was, then there would be no question. Was your wife always this way in the marriage?
alsudduth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 To indicate that there may be a possibility that your wife has someone on the side also? Is there any indication that she may be hiding some kind of infidelity herself, OP? 1
Southern Sun Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I hear you, I do. It's exhausting for the HD partner too. Does she feel like it tonight? Should I give up or just keep trying? She turned over, does that mean no? Despite some opinions to the contrary, the HD partner doesn't want to force his/her partner to have sex with them, they want them to want to have sex with them. As the HD, it's your "job" to get the other person in the mood, but it's exhausting, yes; you feel like everything has to be "perfect" to get there. And you know they care a LOT less than you do, so, which feel like "rejection" or "I just don't love you as much as you love me". True? Maybe, but probably not. Just the difference between people. Here's the thing I think we all need to realize. You won't die without sex (for the HD partner) but your marriage will suffer (for the LD partner). If sex doesn't feel good, even when your not in the mood, there's a problem (for the LD partner). Learn to read the signs that your partner really does NOT want it vs could take it or leave it (HD partner). It has to be a balancing act, I see so many "my body, my choice" threads on here, which, end of the day is true. But it can also be said for just about everything and be true; I can choose to get fat, I can choose to sleep with someone else, I can even choose to D. Are any of these choices going to lead to a better relationship? Of course not, and I think the rejection of romantic/sexual advances from the HD has to be seen the same way. Sure, we all have bad days, and we all don't feel like it all the time (yes, even guys). But a pattern of continual rejection, which, honestly, has never been a problem in my M, but is like THE problem in most of my friend's M's that I know about is a huge hurdle in a M, it really is. And summing it up as "I don't feel like it" or "My body, my choice" really belittles what those choices do to the relationship. I agree with you...and you actually made my point. I think it's exhausting and stressful BECAUSE it is exhausting from the HD partner's POV. They feel that way so it becomes stressful for the "LD." (God, I hate these labels). I think usually the higher-drive person is the anxious one. It's a rare person who has such self-confidence that they aren't put off by their partner's lower desire. Very few people can grasp the fact that it may not be about them, but hey, my honey just doesn't want it tonight. I'll try again tomorrow. Movin' on. Instead all these mental games start. Does she want it? Why not? Why'd she turn over? Does that mean no? Am I not attractive? Should I try again tomorrow? Does she not LOVE ME? Why is it different than before? I mean, holy crap, do you not think we can feel that pressure? Neediness is not hot. I just wonder if it becomes a self-fulling prophecy. As far as the "my body, my choice" stuff, I totally agree that it's not fair. Yes, one has the right to say what happens with one's own body. But in marriage, we've agreed to be there for one another physically. There is some compromise in that. I mentioned this earlier in the thread. I don't know the answers. But I have to think that both the OP and his wife are doing something wrong.
spiderowl Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) I do not think paying for sex is the solution and it puts your wife at risk if she does have sex with you. I can appreciate your frustration with the present situation. There are many possible reasons why your wife does not want sex: - tiredness, especially if you have children - tiredness, especially if working and have children - resentment if she feels she is doing more of the work - loss of drive for no particular reason, possibly hormonal - anger, if there are problems within the marriage that she feels you have ignored - taking antidepressants - they almost wipe out sex drive and ability to orgasm - dislike of sex with a partner I am sure the last reason is more common than is admitted. I know someone whose husband had an extramarital affair. When she found out, she divorced him. She later admitted she didn't enjoy sex with him any more because she was turned off by some of the things he liked. She never, ever told him this. If she won't say what is wrong and none of the above reasons seems to apply, then I guess you have to decide what to do. It seems you have decided to keep the marriage and pay for sex. I hope she doesn't find out. Edited June 16, 2017 by spiderowl
Overtaxed Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I do not think paying for sex is the solution and it puts your wife at risk if she does have sex with you. I can appreciate your frustration with the present situation. Absolutely, kind of got lost in the semantics here of "why" and lost sight of the original thread. But, no, paying for sex behind your wife's back is absolutely NOT the answer. Work on it first. Then work on it some more. If that doesn't work, propose an open marriage. If that's off the table, D. Nowhere in that list is "sleep with a prostitute behind your wife's back". 2
Overtaxed Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I agree with you...and you actually made my point. I think it's exhausting and stressful BECAUSE it is exhausting from the HD partner's POV. They feel that way so it becomes stressful for the "LD." (God, I hate these labels). I think usually the higher-drive person is the anxious one. It's a rare person who has such self-confidence that they aren't put off by their partner's lower desire. Very few people can grasp the fact that it may not be about them, but hey, my honey just doesn't want it tonight. I'll try again tomorrow. Movin' on. Instead all these mental games start. Does she want it? Why not? Why'd she turn over? Does that mean no? Am I not attractive? Should I try again tomorrow? Does she not LOVE ME? Why is it different than before? I mean, holy crap, do you not think we can feel that pressure? Neediness is not hot. I just wonder if it becomes a self-fulling prophecy. As far as the "my body, my choice" stuff, I totally agree that it's not fair. Yes, one has the right to say what happens with one's own body. But in marriage, we've agreed to be there for one another physically. There is some compromise in that. I mentioned this earlier in the thread. I don't know the answers. But I have to think that both the OP and his wife are doing something wrong. I have nothing at all to add other than "You nailed it". Both from my point of view (HD) and I suspect very much, from my W's point of view. I just wonder if there's a solution to this problem for most people, there's a limit for everyone, too much demand and the other person will leave, too much sex and the other person will leave. How to strike that balance, that's the real question.
Mumbles Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) Southern Sun nails the issue right where it lives. Great post. Whilst I agree with the relativity of HD and LD, being that its an almost certainty that one partner will have a higher drive than the other, ime its a spectrum - though I tend to be HD compared to my partners it doesn't mean I'm petulant about wanting sex when _I_ want sex. I think the problem only becomes a real marital problem if the gap between the HD and LD reaches a certain level of difference. For example, say I like, on average to have sex 3 times a week .. perhaps my wife likes it 2 times ... I'm not going to go maritally and mentally crazy over this difference. However, if I'm a 3 times a week guy, and my wifes preference is once a month ... well, this can build into something over time, a problem, and the problem can compound from here. I'm in an open marriage, its a challenging lifestyle choice to be sure, some of you know that I am facing some interesting challenges right now as it happens. However, one of those challenges is _not_ sex. Sex as a point of conflict doesn't arise in our marriage - everyone is getting what they feel they need and the relationship can and has moved on from the usual tension and problems surrounding source and supply of sex. Now I realise that the OP isn't in an open marriage, its a behind-her-back style of extra marital liaison with escorts. Whilst that carries its own risks, particularly in a traditional fidelity marriage, it should, at least in the immediate, take his HD versus LD problem out of the equation and allow any latent, or overt, problems to rise to the surface and be addressed - if both he and his wife want to address them. He, at least, won't start each of the conversations that needs to be had, angry and frustrated ... with single minded focus. Edited June 16, 2017 by Mumbles
QuietDan Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 (edited) Southern Sun nails the issue right where it lives. Great post....Whilst I agree with the relativity of HD and LD, being that its an almost certainty that one partner will have a higher drive than the other, ime its a spectrum - though I tend to He, at least, won't start each of the conversations that needs to be had, angry and frustrated ... with single minded focus.... Married 30 years. Over the last few years, my wife has sorta came around to being more intentional and giving towards having and maintaining a sex life. 25 years low sex and close to no sex. I danced to the music she played. Walked the tight ropes, walked through the minefields. It was stressful for my wife when I use to try to ask and talk about it. At first ... Every few months...then... A couple of times a year....then ....once every couple of years... And farther and farther apart... She got upset whenever I did. Since our sex life was on her terms, she was content. I was frustrated every day. It preoccupied my mind and emotions a significant amount every day. I wrestled with feelings od rejection, depression, frustration, anger, rage, and eventually bitterness. I kept myself busy to distract my mind and emotions. I was polite, patient, kind. I smiled. Things are a lot better these days. Still a few issues from time to time. I really don't have to many current reasons to feel tge way I do. I still am huanted with trying to live with and hide what amounts to a constant simmering legacy of bitterness and anger. In the meantime, as long as I don't bring it up as an issue, my wife never thinks about it, it isn't on her radar, life is good... When I did bring it up, she made sure to make each and every time a chaotic and miserable experience for one and all... At about year 21... I also started to seek other means to deal with my frustrations. It was an easy non confrontational way to postpone the inevitable confrontation to deal with the issues that plagued our relationship. It only made things worse and caused a lot more pain and regret. Since then, we worked through some of our issues. Still have a few we haven't faced, confronted, dealt with. Edited June 17, 2017 by QuietDan 3
Southern Sun Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Married 30 years. Over the last few years, my wife has sorta came around to being more intentional and giving towards having and maintaining a sex life. 25 years low sex and close to no sex. I danced to the music she played. Walked the tight ropes, walked through the minefields. It was stressful for my wife when I use to try to ask and talk about it. At first ... Every few months...then... A couple of times a year....then ....once every couple of years... And farther and farther apart... She got upset whenever I did. Since our sex life was on her terms, she was content. I was frustrated every day. It preoccupied my mind and emotions a significant amount every day. I wrestled with feelings od rejection, depression, frustration, anger, rage, and eventually bitterness. I kept myself busy to distract my mind and emotions. I was polite, patient, kind. I smiled. Things are a lot better these days. Still a few issues from time to time. I really don't have to many current reasons to feel tge way I do. I still am huanted with trying to live with and hide what amounts to a constant simmering legacy of bitterness and anger. In the meantime, as long as I don't bring it up as an issue, my wife never thinks about it, it isn't on her radar, life is good... When I did bring it up, she made sure to make each and every time a chaotic and miserable experience for one and all... At about year 21... I also started to seek other means to deal with my frustrations. It was an easy non confrontational way to postpone the inevitable confrontation to deal with the issues that plagued our relationship. It only made things worse and caused a lot more pain and regret. Since then, we worked through some of our issues. Still have a few we haven't faced, confronted, dealt with. I don't know why, but this makes me sad. I mean, it does seem like you've tried. But to hear that in spite of trying, you have simmering bitterness, resentment...sigh.
Southern Sun Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Southern Sun nails the issue right where it lives. Great post. Whilst I agree with the relativity of HD and LD, being that its an almost certainty that one partner will have a higher drive than the other, ime its a spectrum - though I tend to be HD compared to my partners it doesn't mean I'm petulant about wanting sex when _I_ want sex. I think the problem only becomes a real marital problem if the gap between the HD and LD reaches a certain level of difference. For example, say I like, on average to have sex 3 times a week .. perhaps my wife likes it 2 times ... I'm not going to go maritally and mentally crazy over this difference. However, if I'm a 3 times a week guy, and my wifes preference is once a month ... well, this can build into something over time, a problem, and the problem can compound from here. I'm in an open marriage, its a challenging lifestyle choice to be sure, some of you know that I am facing some interesting challenges right now as it happens. However, one of those challenges is _not_ sex. Sex as a point of conflict doesn't arise in our marriage - everyone is getting what they feel they need and the relationship can and has moved on from the usual tension and problems surrounding source and supply of sex. Now I realise that the OP isn't in an open marriage, its a behind-her-back style of extra marital liaison with escorts. Whilst that carries its own risks, particularly in a traditional fidelity marriage, it should, at least in the immediate, take his HD versus LD problem out of the equation and allow any latent, or overt, problems to rise to the surface and be addressed - if both he and his wife want to address them. He, at least, won't start each of the conversations that needs to be had, angry and frustrated ... with single minded focus. Speaking of...after 5 pages, I can't recall if this has been suggested to the OP, have you considered an open marriage? Seriously?
LoverofWrestling Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 In my view, if you're going outside of your marriage for sex, then you are indeed wrong regardless of whether you are paying for it or not. 1
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Speaking of...after 5 pages, I can't recall if this has been suggested to the OP, have you considered an open marriage? Seriously? Suggested and dismissed. She would not be open to an open marriage. There is a huge difference between a woman only wanting sex once a month with her husband, and her agreeing to her husband having sex with another woman. Very few LD people I guess would want that. That is a huge challenge to monogamy and the very fabric of the marriage. Sex is very low on the priority list of LD people and for the HD person to suggest a third person enter the relationship for sex, is I guess for many, tantamount to treason. I guess even suggesting opening up a marriage to some, would be seen as grounds for divorce. Jealousy is a huge issue in open marriages, even for those who both wholeheartedly enter into them. 1
dichotomy Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 (edited) The members here on Loveshack have debated the concept of "feeling like" having sex before. To me sex is both for your own pleasure and for your partners pleasure. Hopefully you get both at the same time - but sometimes you need to be loving enough to just please your loved one. and this goes not just for sex but all acts of love. I do so many things for my wife and kids that I dont "feel like" doing - I am not in the mood for - in fact it can make me fell yucky or bored or even frustrated when I do these things - but its important to take care of them and make them happy. So I think of their happiness and it makes it okay for me. Partners who stop engaging sex without a significant reason (in physical pain, terrible marriage) are as bad as cheaters. It cruel and selfish. If I had a wife who had a moderate to high sex drive - and I got paralyzed below the waist in a car accident or even had prostate cancer and could not function - nothing for me - you can bet I would be using my hands, mouth and own so many fun toys... to get her off as much as she wanted. She is my wife and I want her happy. Edited June 17, 2017 by dichotomy 6
Overtaxed Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 The members here on Loveshack have debated the concept of "feeling like" having sex before. To me sex is both for your own pleasure and for your partners pleasure. Hopefully you get both at the same time - but sometimes you need to be loving enough to just please your loved one. and this goes not just for sex but all acts of love. I do so many things for my wife and kids that I dont "feel like" doing - I am not in the mood for - in fact it can make me fell yucky or bored or even frustrated when I do these things - but its important to take care of them and make them happy. So I think of their happiness and it makes it okay for me. Partners who stop engaging sex without a significant reason (in physical pain, terrible marriage) are as bad as cheaters. It cruel and selfish. If I had a wife who had a moderate to high sex drive - and I got paralyzed below the waist in a car accident or even had prostate cancer and could not function - nothing for me - you can bet I would be using my hands, mouth and own so many fun toys... to get her off as much as she wanted. She is my wife and I want her happy. I wish I could like this more than once. 1
Mumbles Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 There is a huge difference between a woman only wanting sex once a month with her husband, and her agreeing to her husband having sex with another woman. Very few LD people I guess would want that. That is a huge challenge to monogamy and the very fabric of the marriage. Sex is very low on the priority list of LD people and for the HD person to suggest a third person enter the relationship for sex, is I guess for many, tantamount to treason. I guess even suggesting opening up a marriage to some, would be seen as grounds for divorce. I think this is true. The problem a lot of LD people have is that they are not being empathetic towards their HD spouse because its not even on their radar - everything is 'fine'. The problem on LS is that generally people respond to the HD spouse in a way that essentially tells them to 'harden up' and deal with it. What is usually missed is that this argument goes both ways. I think its actually a dichotomy of mismatched marriage or partnership ... probably a partnership that ultimately shouldn't be. The HD partner, usually, wants to have sex with his spouse, not other people, I'm sure that the reality on the ground with most couples suffering a problem here is that yes, even opening a discussion on the subject of opening the marriage would trigger deep feelings and big problems. But, the missed thing is that in many ways, the conversation has already been opened ... in a covert way perhaps, by the withdrawal of sexual intimacy. The withdrawal, or continued mismatch in drive triggers thoughts in the HD partners mind that otherwise would almost certainly never have happened. Jealousy is a huge issue in open marriages, even for those who both wholeheartedly enter into them. Yes. Strangely, this is the case. Boundaries and respect required ... in spades.
Southern Sun Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 The members here on Loveshack have debated the concept of "feeling like" having sex before. To me sex is both for your own pleasure and for your partners pleasure. Hopefully you get both at the same time - but sometimes you need to be loving enough to just please your loved one. and this goes not just for sex but all acts of love. I do so many things for my wife and kids that I dont "feel like" doing - I am not in the mood for - in fact it can make me fell yucky or bored or even frustrated when I do these things - but its important to take care of them and make them happy. So I think of their happiness and it makes it okay for me. Partners who stop engaging sex without a significant reason (in physical pain, terrible marriage) are as bad as cheaters. It cruel and selfish. If I had a wife who had a moderate to high sex drive - and I got paralyzed below the waist in a car accident or even had prostate cancer and could not function - nothing for me - you can bet I would be using my hands, mouth and own so many fun toys... to get her off as much as she wanted. She is my wife and I want her happy. So true. Since we know real love isn't about feelings, which are fickle, the biggest test of love is what you do when you don't feel like it. So to the OP - your wife should be interested in compromise, making herself available and willing to become aroused and have sex more often. And you...well, you shouldn't be paying for (or having any) sex on the side. 1
wmacbride Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Op, when I read your story something really stuck out to me, and it could just be I misunderstood what you wrote, so maybe you can clarify it for me. From what you say, it sounds like you and your wife tried to discuss the issue, and she gave you reasons for her lack of interest, which you dismissed as not being the real reasons. Now I can't speak for anyone else, but if there is a topic I find difficult to discuss, and I try to speak about it and was shot down or not believed, it's going to get very difficult to open up about it ever again. She was trying to talk to you and you just shot her down. Why? What puts you in any position to claim that she's telling you the truth about how she feels? ( again, I might just have misunderstood what you were getting at, and if I did, I'm sorry). I've been married a long time, and there have been times that we have had to just lay all the cards on the table. Sit down with your wife and talk with her. Let her know how bad things have gotten for you, and when she talks, actually listen. Repeat back to her what you think she is trying to say and see if your interpretation is right. Don't dismiss her feelings. Ask her to do the same for you, and to not dismiss your feelings, as they are every bit as valid as hers. Honestly, after reading what you wrote, it does sound like there is a communication issue between you two. That's not good, but the positive is that this is an area you can both work on really well. One more suggetsion, and this may be a hard one for you, and I do apologize for that. Come right out and ask her why she isn't interested in sex right now. Tell her you won't take any offense, whatever the answer might be. Ask her if there is something wrong you are doing, and that you need to know, even if it hurts to hear it. Make sure she understands that you won't be angry with her and that, if you two can just figure out solution that works well for both of you, it will be worth it. Once the issue is out in the open,you two can hopefully begin to work through it together. If you respect her in any way, shape or form, tell her you've been seeing a prostitute. This goes beyond just feelings, it's a matter of health for the mother of your children. Her not wanting to have sex with you doesn't mean she deserves to be exposed to std's. btw, I have to ask if she is on birth control pills? If she is, that could be a big part of your problem. they are known for killing libido and have a lot of other side effects as well, even the low dose variety.
wmacbride Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 So true. Since we know real love isn't about feelings, which are fickle, the biggest test of love is what you do when you don't feel like it. So to the OP - your wife should be interested in compromise, making herself available and willing to become aroused and have sex more often. And you...well, you shouldn't be paying for (or having any) sex on the side. This makes sense, except we have no idea why she isn't interested in having sex with him. Unless she is willing to come on here and explain it, we'll never know. op, if you feel comfortable sharing, what were the reasons she gave?
BettyDraper Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Me and my wife get along well, we have kids together and everything is fine, with the exception of her not wanting/having sex enough, she is looking to do it once a month, I am looking for 2 to 3 times a week (at least). I have been paying a woman that I met online to have sex once a week. The alternative would be to start a relationship with someone and have sex with them. With me paying, its no feelings and no relationships....am I wrong? Are you seriously asking if it is wrong for you to cheat on your wife and continue to do so? Have you been tested for STIs? Since you have no intention of being faithful to your wife, it is time for a divorce so that you can sleep with whomever you wish. Now, sex only 12 times a year is very infrequent and I think that partners should make an effort to please their partners in every way....even if they may not "feel like it." However, infidelity rarely solves this problem.
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