arnanderson Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Me and my wife get along well, we have kids together and everything is fine, with the exception of her not wanting/having sex enough, she is looking to do it once a month, I am looking for 2 to 3 times a week (at least). I have been paying a woman that I met online to have sex once a week. The alternative would be to start a relationship with someone and have sex with them. With me paying, its no feelings and no relationships....am I wrong?
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Me and my wife get along well, we have kids together and everything is fine, with the exception of her not wanting/having sex enough, she is looking to do it once a month, I am looking for 2 to 3 times a week (at least). I have been paying a woman that I met online to have sex once a week. The alternative would be to start a relationship with someone and have sex with them. With me paying, its no feelings and no relationships....am I wrong? Ask your wife. Really! I'm serious. Ask for an open marriage, no strings and no feelings just sex. Or maybe if you put energy into your wife and marriage, woo'd your wife and took her out on dates, gave her massages and bought her flowers (be romantic) then maybe she'd want sex more than once a month. Or, divorce and do as you please. To go cheat is asking for trouble and will cause problems in your marriage. 11
dichotomy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) My first thought/step for you is to cut your wife off completely from the once a month sex (she wants? or she gives into ?) . Various reasons why - but safety (STDs) is one - also just grossness is another. You halting all sex may also eventually prompt her to have a deeper discussion on your marriage and sex life imbalance. Paying for sex is an emotionally safer and less risk of getting caught. As for wrong - your wife would probably be very hurt right ? Then again she probably knows you are deeply hurt over her withdrawal from sexual intimacy and probably does not care much? Have you two tried couples therapy ? Do you know why she has withdrawn ? To me this situation is always wrong, but in very limited cases using a professional seems (to me) the least worst choice in a sexless marriage and only where divorcing would bring great loss or pain to all involved. Edited June 15, 2017 by dichotomy 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Wrong? Wrong that you're paying for sex on the side or wrong that you're cheating on your wife? In either case, if you want a definitive answer, just ask your wife. 3
reboot Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Or maybe if you put energy into your wife and marriage, woo'd your wife and took her out on dates, gave her massages and bought her flowers (be romantic) then maybe she'd want sex more than once a month. In all fairness, I did ALL that for mine, and she had sex with someone else instead of me. 6
cluelesswoman Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Ask your wife. Really! I'm serious. Just ask her how she feels about you paying a prostitute for sex once a month & you will get your answer. Cheating is cheating & what you are doing to your wife is way more hurtful than you can ever even begin to imagine. Have you told her how important sex more than once a month is? I mean really sit down & tell her, talk to her.... communicate no matter how uncomfortable either one of you feel about "talking about things like this". Trust me it will be way more uncomfortable when she finds out what you've been up to. There are still STD risks you are exposing her with even IF you are using a condom. There are still some STD's you can get then pass the gift on to your wife. Here are a few: HPV (human papillomavirus) Genital herpes Syphilis Public Lice/Crabs Molluscum Contagiosum Seriously look up "what STDs can you get while wearing a condom. 4
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 What makes his wife the arbiter of morality? She only has an opinion. Which is selfishly skewed or she wouldn't be withholding sex from her husband. I don't think any of us can determine what is right or wrong for him. We have our opinions, but he must make the decisions and endure the consequences of those decisions. 3
reboot Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 What makes his wife the arbiter of morality? She only has an opinion. Which is selfishly skewed or she wouldn't be withholding sex from her husband. I don't think any of us can determine what is right or wrong for him. We have our opinions, but he must make the decisions and endure the consequences of those decisions. Yep, none of us are the morals police. Different cultures, different countries, different religions, who am I to say which is right or wrong. 1
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I also find it interesting that everybody is concerned about the wife. No one - including his wife - is concerned about him. Things like this happen when you withhold sex from a spouse. There are consequences for that behavior also. She should be perfectly aware of the possibilities when she made that decision. Maybe both are making poor decisions. And will face the resulting consequences. 6
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 The OP has not said she has withdrawn sex, nor that she is withholding sex, only that she sees sex once a month as being optimum for her. 3
Author arnanderson Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 Thanks for the reply...I have given that energy to doing all of the romantic and special things a wife would want. She would not be open to an open marriage. I wish I knew what the issue was, then there would be no question.
GorillaTheater Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I also find it interesting that everybody is concerned about the wife. No one - including his wife - is concerned about him. She's not here, he is. If she were to start a thread about how she was deliberately (or maybe even "accidently") withholding sex from her husband, I'd expect her to get flamed. At this point, we don't even know whether he's talked to his wife about the sex issue, where it may have stemmed from, or what he's done to try to fix it. All we know is that he's chosen an unethically, immoral path because of it, and I have no problem saying so. 5
Author arnanderson Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 I understand "Am I wrong" is a stupid/dumb or whatever you want to call it, question. I just wish i knew why she isnt having sex and what I could do to change things...before marriage we were having sex every day, I know our lives are more hectic now and we have kids, but if we could just do at least twice a week, I would be satisfied.
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 The OP has not said she has withdrawn sex, nor that she is withholding sex, only that she sees sex once a month as being optimum for her. Unfortunately, what's optimal for her is not what is optimal for her marriage. Leaving her husband unfulfilled IS withholding sex. Especially when she claims once a month is optimal. That's unreasonable.
dichotomy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I have been cheated on. I have also had sex withdrawn. Both are painful and a betrayal of commitments and understandings. Morally not sure which is "more" wrong. Not sure if one side breaks a contract if the contract is void. If two wrongs make it right. It gets fuzzy in these situations. But first step is to cut off the once a month sex with your wife to avoid the STD thing. 4
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 She's not here, he is. If she were to start a thread about how she was deliberately (or maybe even "accidently") withholding sex from her husband, I'd expect her to get flamed. At this point, we don't even know whether he's talked to his wife about the sex issue, where it may have stemmed from, or what he's done to try to fix it. All we know is that he's chosen an unethically, immoral path because of it, and I have no problem saying so. Unethical and immoral according to who?
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 What makes his wife the arbiter of morality? She only has an opinion. Which is selfishly skewed or she wouldn't be withholding sex from her husband. I don't think any of us can determine what is right or wrong for him. We have our opinions, but he must make the decisions and endure the consequences of those decisions. I'm against cheating, period. But I do struggle with defending and supporting partners (often wives) who withhold sex and/or manage sexual interactions to the point where it leaves little to be desired. I was a wife who married a man who withheld sex with me so I understand the sexual frustrations and the turmoil and resentment it creates. It can be toxic. I'm sure many men (and women) who find themselves shut out sexually from their partners feel they are justified in seeking comfort elsewhere. On paper, I certainly felt I had every 'right' to stray outside my marriage but I chose against it. Why? Because in the end it was wrong. It wasn't an open marriage. Because I didn't want to be that kind of woman. Because ultimately I loved my husband and wanted my husband to want me. Because the affair(s) would only be a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Personally, I think if a marriage lacks sexual intimacy and/or compatibility despite efforts to change or improve things OR if one partner remains in denial of the bigger problem and does nothing to at least meet in the middle, AND where the possibility of it becoming an open marriage is NOT an option, I think it's best to end it. 8
Author arnanderson Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 I have talked to her several times about it, this has gone on for at least 3 years. We have been to counseling twice. There has never been a real reason stated as to why she does not want sex.
anika99 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 What makes his wife the arbiter of morality? She only has an opinion. Which is selfishly skewed or she wouldn't be withholding sex from her husband. I don't think any of us can determine what is right or wrong for him. We have our opinions, but he must make the decisions and endure the consequences of those decisions. We really don't know enough of his marriage to say much about his wife not wanting sex more than once a month. When I was a young single mom a lot of my married mom friends had it just about as hard as I did because their husbands were still acting like bachelors or like teenagers. Mom had to work full time, come home and do all the cleaning, childcare, organizing, laundry, planning, etc. It's pretty hard to feel all sexy with a man who doesn't help pull his weight. Not saying that pertains to the OP but it's often the case. People cannot force their morality on others, this is true, however in the case of a marriage both people should get a say in what goes on. The OP's cheating with prostitutes does not personally hurt me or affect me and therefore its not my right to tell him he must share my morals, however it's pretty universally accepted that dishonesty and lies between married people is wrong, not so much just because people think lying is immoral, but more because it robs the other person of choices. If the OP doesn't thinks it's morally wrong to spend marital funds on prostitutes then that is his right and his choice. Not even his wife can force her morals on him but she should get a choice too. So I agree with the others here. Tell your wife you are having sex with a prostitute. She will either start having more sex with you or she will divorce you, freeing you up to have as much sex as you like. Another less likely possibility is that she will be fine with it and your marriage will carry on as is. Not likely but hey, you never know. In any case let your wife make a choice just as you have made a choice. 2
GorillaTheater Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Unethical and immoral according to who? According to me. You can paint it as just my opinion if you want to, but since opinions are what people here start threads to get, I'd say "so what?" 1
anika99 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I have talked to her several times about it, this has gone on for at least 3 years. We have been to counseling twice. There has never been a real reason stated as to why she does not want sex. Again, tell her that you have resorted to paying for sex. That will certainly bring about change. 1
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I'm against cheating, period. But I do struggle with defending and supporting partners (often wives) who withhold sex and/or manage sexual interactions to the point where it leaves little to be desired. I was a wife who married a man who withheld sex with me so I understand the sexual frustrations and the turmoil and resentment it creates. It can be toxic. I'm sure many men (and women) who find themselves shut out sexually from their partners feel they are justified in seeking comfort elsewhere. On paper, I certainly felt I had every 'right' to stray outside my marriage but I chose against it. Why? Because in the end it was wrong. It wasn't an open marriage. Because I didn't want to be that kind of woman. Because ultimately I loved my husband and wanted my husband to want me. Because the affair(s) would only be a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Personally, I think if a marriage lacks sexual intimacy and/or compatibility despite efforts to change or improve things OR if one partner remains in denial of the bigger problem and does nothing to at least meet in the middle, AND where the possibility of it becoming an open marriage is NOT an option, I think it's best to end it. Good post. However, in the end, YOU decided it was wrong. YOU decided you didn't want to deal with the mess that came from straying. That's my point. Ultimately, he has to determine what's right or wrong for him and deal with the results of his decision.
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 According to me. You can paint it as just my opinion if you want to, but since opinions are what people here start threads to get, I'd say "so what?" According to YOU?!?! Your opinion is not more important than mine though. lol Or the OP's opinion of himself. Which is all that really matters.
GorillaTheater Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 According to YOU?!?! Your opinion is not more important than mine though. lol Have I said it was? You're the one who appears to be arguing that I don't have a basis to offer mine. I usually see eye to eye with you man, but you're coming out of left field on this one. 1
Author arnanderson Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 I'm against cheating, period. But I do struggle with defending and supporting partners (often wives) who withhold sex and/or manage sexual interactions to the point where it leaves little to be desired. I was a wife who married a man who withheld sex with me so I understand the sexual frustrations and the turmoil and resentment it creates. It can be toxic. I'm sure many men (and women) who find themselves shut out sexually from their partners feel they are justified in seeking comfort elsewhere. On paper, I certainly felt I had every 'right' to stray outside my marriage but I chose against it. Why? Because in the end it was wrong. It wasn't an open marriage. Because I didn't want to be that kind of woman. Because ultimately I loved my husband and wanted my husband to want me. Because the affair(s) would only be a temporary fix to a bigger problem. Personally, I think if a marriage lacks sexual intimacy and/or compatibility despite efforts to change or improve things OR if one partner remains in denial of the bigger problem and does nothing to at least meet in the middle, AND where the possibility of it becoming an open marriage is NOT an option, I think it's best to end it. Did you ever find out why sex was being withheld?
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