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He broke my heart 9 months ago. I still love him and that makes me angry with myself.

JustWantingToMoveOn

By JustWantingToMoveOn
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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JustWantingToMoveOn New Member

JustWantingToMoveOn

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We were happy or so I thought. Both in our late 20s building our lives together. Had a business together, talked marriage and kids. I had known this man for over a decade and could trust him with my life. There was nobody nicer than him, nobody more thoughtful, nobody more kind. He's very shy and has quite low self-esteem, but he was my best friend.

 

Then he caught feelings for an 19 year old he met on an online game. We broke up and he got into a relationship with her immediately afterwards and is still with her today. All he does now is play video games with her all day everyday. He hasn't tried looking for a job.

 

Needless to say it destroyed me at the time. I thought I was getting over it. It’s been 9 months. But today I cried over him and realised how deeply I still love him. It makes me so angry with myself…

 

I guess you could say it’s my own fault because I’ve been unable to find the strength to cut him out of my life. He doesn’t seem to want to let me go. A few weeks ago he confessed to me that it’s hard not to cry sometimes just thinking about me. That he misses me so much at times it’s unbearable. He said I brought joy and meaning to his life that and he’s frightened he’ll never have that again. He admitted how much regret he has and how helpless and alone he feels. He said he loves me and that I’m a perfect person…

 

To hear those words would be a dream for most dumpees. I know could have tried to get him back right then, but I didn’t. I just told him things happened for a reason, that he’s idealising me, and needs to focus on his current partner.

 

He told me that I’m so mature and unbelievable. That he sees how strong I’ve become and it really makes him happy. He said that no matter how he feels, knowing that everything has made me stronger as a person is the most important thing.

 

Since then I’ve basically been faking my feelings and pretended to be happy for him. This week he travelled to meet his girlfriend’s family for the first time. He’s been contacting me while he’s been there. I told him that I hope he’s having a nice time and that they’ll be able to get a place together soon so they don’t have long-distance problems anymore. Tears rolled down my face after I sent that message.

 

I want to move on from him, hence my username. I don’t want to love this man. He doesn’t know what he wants. Even if his feelings for me are true — if that was me in his situation, there is no way I could be with someone else and travel a long way to see them. I wouldn’t have it in me. I couldn’t even be bothered.

 

I need to move on.

Edited by JustWantingToMoveOn
Jagged100 Established Member

Jagged100

Posted
Posted
We were happy or so I thought. Both in our late 20s building our lives together. Had a business together, talked marriage and kids. I had known this man for over a decade and could trust him with my life. There was nobody nicer than him, nobody more thoughtful, nobody more kind. He's very shy and has quite low self-esteem, but he was my best friend.

 

Then he caught feelings for an 19 year old he met on an online game. We broke up and he got into a relationship with her immediately afterwards and is still with her today. All he does now is play video games with her all day everyday. He hasn't tried looking for a job.

 

Needless to say it destroyed me at the time. I thought I was getting over it. It’s been 9 months. But today I cried over him and realised how deeply I still love him. It makes me so angry with myself…

 

I guess you could say it’s my own fault because I’ve been unable to find the strength to cut him out of my life. He doesn’t seem to want to let me go. A few weeks ago he confessed to me that it’s hard not to cry sometimes just thinking about me. That he misses me so much at times it’s unbearable. He said I brought joy and meaning to his life that and he’s frightened he’ll never have that again. He admitted how much regret he has and how helpless and alone he feels. He said he loves me and that I’m a perfect person…

 

To hear those words would be a dream for most dumpees. I know could have tried to get him back right then, but I didn’t. I just told him things happened for a reason, that he’s idealising me, and needs to focus on his current partner.

 

He told me that I’m so mature and unbelievable. That he sees how strong I’ve become and it really makes him happy. He said that no matter how he feels, knowing that everything has made me stronger as a person is the most important thing.

 

Since then I’ve basically been faking my feelings and pretended to be happy for him. This week he travelled to meet his girlfriend’s family for the first time. He’s been contacting me while he’s been there. I told him that I hope he’s having a nice time and that they’ll be able to get a place together soon so they don’t have long-distance problems anymore. Tears rolled down my face after I sent that message.

 

I want to move on from him, hence my username. I don’t want to love this man. He doesn’t know what he wants. Even if his feelings for me are true — if that was me in his situation, there is no way I could be with someone else and travel a long way to see them. I wouldn’t have it in me. I couldn’t even be bothered.

 

I need to move on.

I'm going to suggest you go NC, it really is the only way to heal a broken heart. It's really hard to pretend to be happy, and you're doing yourself a disservice by being so friendly towards him. He is selfish and wants the young girl and you in his life. For your own sake you have to let him go, he'll never be who you want him to be. It sucks being in love with someone and knowing they're with someone else but you don't need to have a front row seat.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He just wants to have her and then have your for a fallback. He isn't looking to choose. You really need to stop encouraging his behavior. One of these days you're going to look back on this episode of telling him you're happy for him and be disgusted with yourself. Find out why you're doing that.

  • Like 2
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JustWantingToMoveOn New Member

JustWantingToMoveOn

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  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you Jagged and preraph for your replies.

 

I do agree you're right I need to start NC. Deep down I'll admit I've not wanted to do it. He's been my best friend for so long and such a huge part of my life, and despite the strong feelings I still have for him, I've wanted to be the bigger person and try to accept what the universe has decided for us. And that means by learning to be happy for him too, even if his decision is one that is hard for me.

 

I don't think of myself as a selfish person. I probably need to be a bit more selfish actually in this situation, but at the same time, I cannot stand bitterness and deep down I do actually want him to be happy if it's without me. Therefore I don't think I'll be disgusted with myself months or years down the line by trying to be happy for him. I'd much rather be like that than be full of bitterness towards him. He's been too important a person to me over the years and been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life.

Edited by JustWantingToMoveOn
niji Established Member

niji

Posted
Posted
I don't think of myself as a selfish person. I probably need to be a bit more selfish actually in this situation, but at the same time, I cannot stand bitterness and deep down I do actually want him to be happy if it's without me. Therefore I don't think I'll be disgusted with myself months or years down the line by trying to be happy for him. I'd much rather be like that than be full of bitterness towards him. He's been too important a person to me over the years and been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life.

 

I used to think like this, until the past few years where I realize...

 

Truly getting over someone is when you don't care anymore. They could be an ultra awesome philanthropic genius, and if they break my heart, I HAVE to stop caring to move on. No wishing them happiness forever after. You're not with me, why should I care? I understand it's tempting to want the best things for someone you STILL love, but at the same time, have you ever thought you doing this is actually hurting yourself?

 

In this universe, there's no one else who could love you as much as you love yourself. Maybe parents... but other than that...

 

So start loving yourself, and please stop contacts with this person who quite stroke my pet peeve (breaking up with someone while still leading them on, wtf). Please don't be someone's second choice. He cannot possibly love you while being with her. What he has for you may be some nostalgia and missing the security, but it is not LOVE.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

You definitely need to cut him out of your life if you want your feelings to fade. It's hard, but it's the only way. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

  • Like 1
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
Posted

As a poster said in another thread, a man who really loves you would move mountains to be with you. He is moving mountains to be with this other woman, as it seems.

 

Please accept this is over and move on.

 

You are a very compassionate person, and only want the best for him. Plz take all this love and energy and focus on YOU! You deserve so much better.

 

The right man would do ANYTHING to be with you. There are so many amazing men out there!

 

Good luck my friend!

  • Like 1
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted
We were happy or so I thought. Both in our late 20s building our lives together. Had a business together, talked marriage and kids. I had known this man for over a decade and could trust him with my life. There was nobody nicer than him, nobody more thoughtful, nobody more kind. He's very shy and has quite low self-esteem, but he was my best friend.

 

Then he caught feelings for an 19 year old he met on an online game. We broke up and he got into a relationship with her immediately afterwards and is still with her today. All he does now is play video games with her all day everyday. He hasn't tried looking for a job.

 

Needless to say it destroyed me at the time. I thought I was getting over it. It’s been 9 months. But today I cried over him and realised how deeply I still love him. It makes me so angry with myself…

 

I guess you could say it’s my own fault because I’ve been unable to find the strength to cut him out of my life. He doesn’t seem to want to let me go. A few weeks ago he confessed to me that it’s hard not to cry sometimes just thinking about me. That he misses me so much at times it’s unbearable. He said I brought joy and meaning to his life that and he’s frightened he’ll never have that again. He admitted how much regret he has and how helpless and alone he feels. He said he loves me and that I’m a perfect person…

 

To hear those words would be a dream for most dumpees. I know could have tried to get him back right then, but I didn’t. I just told him things happened for a reason, that he’s idealising me, and needs to focus on his current partner.

 

He told me that I’m so mature and unbelievable. That he sees how strong I’ve become and it really makes him happy. He said that no matter how he feels, knowing that everything has made me stronger as a person is the most important thing.

 

Since then I’ve basically been faking my feelings and pretended to be happy for him. This week he travelled to meet his girlfriend’s family for the first time. He’s been contacting me while he’s been there. I told him that I hope he’s having a nice time and that they’ll be able to get a place together soon so they don’t have long-distance problems anymore. Tears rolled down my face after I sent that message.

 

I want to move on from him, hence my username. I don’t want to love this man. He doesn’t know what he wants. Even if his feelings for me are true — if that was me in his situation, there is no way I could be with someone else and travel a long way to see them. I wouldn’t have it in me. I couldn’t even be bothered.

 

I need to move on.

 

 

I can kinda relate it's been almost about the same amount of time for me broken up but in my case I kinda am forced to see her because we work together. FRomney my own experience Ivery learnt it's very hard to heal wen there's some form of contact such as ures. In my case we don't talk but seeing her and her going out wth work colleagues is not a good thing for me. Anyway that's a long story lol. My opinion on ur situation is that I would think because he's saying all those things but not backing it up wth action it's leaving u in this state of limbo not being able to move forward. Unfortunately the only way to heal those wounds is to cut it and start the process or healing and that would mean grieving all over again and starting almost from scratch

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