How to turn a "friend with benefits" into something more?

[Amanda9]

Several months ago I separated from my husband and I have been ready to start dating people again and to be in a relationship. I have tried online dating and met a couple prospects without it ever going anywhere.

 

 

There is one guy I met who I found easy to talk to from the very beginning - Whether it be texting, phone calls, or in person. I feel like we've become genuine friends who are happy around each other. We ended up making out one day and it was a good time. Later when we were texting he said all he can do is a friends with benefit arrangement though, and not a relationship. I agreed because, well, it's better than nothing.

 

 

He ended up staying the night last night and we had a great time, but it wasn't just physical. We talked, cuddled, and laughed. It felt really good to be in his arms. I know I told him I'm okay with being "friends with benefits" but I'm feeling definite boyfriend potential with him. We are both single, we live close to each other, we enjoy each other's company.

 

 

I think he is afraid to get too serious with me because I am 32 and he is 25 (a mature 25), and I have a 3 year old child. It's a fairly big age gap yes but like I said we are physically and emotionally compatible. Should I have the relationship discussion with him and if so what's the best way to do it without scaring him off or coming on too strong?

[Life lessons]

Several months ago I separated from my husband and I have been ready to start dating people again and to be in a relationship. I have tried online dating and met a couple prospects without it ever going anywhere.

 

 

There is one guy I met who I found easy to talk to from the very beginning - Whether it be texting, phone calls, or in person. I feel like we've become genuine friends who are happy around each other. We ended up making out one day and it was a good time. Later when we were texting he said all he can do is a friends with benefit arrangement though, and not a relationship. I agreed because, well, it's better than nothing.

 

 

He ended up staying the night last night and we had a great time, but it wasn't just physical. We talked, cuddled, and laughed. It felt really good to be in his arms. I know I told him I'm okay with being "friends with benefits" but I'm feeling definite boyfriend potential with him. We are both single, we live close to each other, we enjoy each other's company.

 

 

I think he is afraid to get too serious with me because I am 32 and he is 25 (a mature 25), and I have a 3 year old child. It's a fairly big age gap yes but like I said we are physically and emotionally compatible. Should I have the relationship discussion with him and if so what's the best way to do it without scaring him off or coming on too strong?

 

In all honesty, if he made it clear that he wanted nothing more than FWB....believe him.

 

If you are wanting more then you definitely need to approach him and let him know that you aren't comfortable with a FWB relationship and that you're looking for more. It's definitely a conversation that you need to have with him but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you considering he's already stated what he wanted from you.

 

In regards to the age difference, that's not to big of a gap, so that shouldn't be an issue.

[basil67]

I agree with Life Lessons. And while I don't see the age gap as big, I do see the lifestyle gap as big. You're a 32yo woman with a child. He's a 25yo guy who's probably got children the bottom of his list of wants. Many people at the age of 25 are still wanting to be able to go out at a moment's notice and not be tied down by parental responsibilities.

 

Yes, you can talk to him about wanting more. But he still only wants FWB (there's no reason to think he would have changed his opinion) and has any degree of ethics, he will walk away so as to avoid anyone getting more hurt.

[coolheadal]

Several months ago I separated from my husband and I have been ready to start dating people again and to be in a relationship. I have tried online dating and met a couple prospects without it ever going anywhere.

 

 

There is one guy I met who I found easy to talk to from the very beginning - Whether it be texting, phone calls, or in person. I feel like we've become genuine friends who are happy around each other. We ended up making out one day and it was a good time. Later when we were texting he said all he can do is a friends with benefit arrangement though, and not a relationship. I agreed because, well, it's better than nothing.

 

 

He ended up staying the night last night and we had a great time, but it wasn't just physical. We talked, cuddled, and laughed. It felt really good to be in his arms. I know I told him I'm okay with being "friends with benefits" but I'm feeling definite boyfriend potential with him. We are both single, we live close to each other, we enjoy each other's company.

 

 

I think he is afraid to get too serious with me because I am 32 and he is 25 (a mature 25), and I have a 3 year old child. It's a fairly big age gap yes but like I said we are physically and emotionally compatible. Should I have the relationship discussion with him and if so what's the best way to do it without scaring him off or coming on too strong?

 

Pardon me, but aren't you still married to your husband? Your not divorce yet? So you still have your cake(husband) and your pie is this guy. This guy feels that your not free yet. I don't blame him. I was in something like this also. I told the woman at the time I couldn't give you more so I did what he did. She wanted more. I found myself over her 4,000 sq foot house a lot she would come out kiss me wanted me to stay, kept on saying I wasn't her type but dam it she kept on wanting me to stay. She had two teenagers they both feel in love with me, because I am very understanding and get along with people very well and they trust me. You have 3 old child you have to figure out what you want. I was older than her by 6 years but in your case he's younger than you but not by much. You worry too much about the age it doesn't matter really after 21 to 25.. You're worried about your a mom and he's too young still to be a dad. What happens to your husband in all this? That's his child you have. You really should find a man who has a child too because you both can relate. This guy doesn't have kid nor would you consider to have kids with him? if you say now then he most likely might not want to be with you . Today this woman and I are not friends I had enough of her BS and she couldn't deal with her husband coming around still they weren't even divorce yet. I would never put myself in that situation again. Just chaos.. You have to figure this one out because this guy might not want to be your kids step-dad and your a mom and you have to put the kid first not this guy. If you have kids with this guy then what next?

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not necessary to have a discussion about wanting more.

 

He's already told you it's not going to happen.

[starrynight4321]

He is not "afraid" to get involved with you. That's wishful thinking. He does not want to be involved with you beyond sex. He literally told you this already. He's not hiding the ball and if you ask him, I'm sure that's the response you'll get.

 

He told you he was going to use you for sex only. You agreed. These are the consequences. You are wasting your time, you are better off moving on.

[d0nnivain]

This 25 might very well enjoy your company but deep down he doesn't want the "baggage" of your child.

 

You can't turn this FWB into a relationship. Don't try. When one person in a NSA arrangement catches feelings, the benefits need to end.

[elaine567]

Many men put women into boxes and a woman who agrees to a FWB situation is often then not "relationship material" to his mind.

 

Many people when embarking on a FWB arrangement, know that they might get too involved and that is not what they want, so they choose people with a "fatal flaw" to stop themselves getting emotionally invested. I guess may be your age and your child are your "fatal flaws"...

 

You are thirty two, you cannot afford to waste your time being used for sex by men.

YOU are not cut out for the FWB scene, one night of passion and you are hooked, that is not what a fwb is. If you want a bf, this is not the way to go about it.

It is purely an arrangement for sex

Whether he dumps you as soon as he finds out you are emotionally attached or he doesn't care and just continues to use you for sex, I do not see this ending well for you.

[stillafool]

He's 25 and a FWB to you. More than likely he still wants to date girls 21-24 and sleep with them also. He is a young bachelor and could already be in a relationship if that is what he wanted. Don't be fooled by good sex, cuddling, etc., because a lot of FWBs do this and it doesn't mean they are falling in love they just want the human touch. It is clear your are not cut out to be a FWB and I would suggest you stop seeing him before you get your heart broken.

[thefooloftheyear]

Many men put women into boxes and a woman who agrees to a FWB situation is often then not "relationship material" to his mind.

 

.

 

This...

 

You can't change the rules of the game at halftime....

 

I also agree with elaine567 that its a bad idea for a woman of 32 with a kid to dick around with a 25 year old...I don't care how mature you think he is, the reality is that he doesn't want you for anything more than a place to put his dick...Using the reasoning that "its better than nothing" is kind of lame..

 

 

 

TFY

Edited June 15, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[Amanda9]

In all honesty, if he made it clear that he wanted nothing more than FWB....believe him.

 

If you are wanting more then you definitely need to approach him and let him know that you aren't comfortable with a FWB relationship and that you're looking for more. It's definitely a conversation that you need to have with him but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you considering he's already stated what he wanted from you.

 

In regards to the age difference, that's not to big of a gap, so that shouldn't be an issue.

 

What to you think is the best way to approach him? I'm probably getting my hopes up yes but I honestly think he was on the fence about the FWB or relationship thing, because after our first make out session he said "I don't know if this puts us in relationship territory or FWBs". It tells me he considered it at least.

[Amanda9]

He is not "afraid" to get involved with you. That's wishful thinking. He does not want to be involved with you beyond sex. He literally told you this already. He's not hiding the ball and if you ask him, I'm sure that's the response you'll get.

 

He told you he was going to use you for sex only. You agreed. These are the consequences. You are wasting your time, you are better off moving on.

 

The thing is, it doesn't feel like "just sex" - we talk about deep life topics, laugh together, and enjoy each other's company as well. The morning after when he was in bed with me, he put his arm around me and held me close to him without trying to initiate anything more. Would he really spend all this extra time or even sleep over if he was using me just for sex? Maybe I'm naïve but I hope not.

[Imajerk17]

The thing is, it doesn't feel like "just sex" - we talk about deep life topics, laugh together, and enjoy each other's company as well. The morning after when he was in bed with me, he put his arm around me and held me close to him without trying to initiate anything more. Would he really spend all this extra time or even sleep over if he was using me just for sex? Maybe I'm naïve but I hope not.

 

That hardly means anything OP, I've done that with someone even when not looking for a relationship. Just enjoying the moment.

 

He knows he already told you he just wants FWB, if he changes his mind and decides he wants to be your boyfriend, then well, he can tell you that too.

[Amanda9]

He's 25 and a FWB to you. More than likely he still wants to date girls 21-24 and sleep with them also. He is a young bachelor and could already be in a relationship if that is what he wanted. Don't be fooled by good sex, cuddling, etc., because a lot of FWBs do this and it doesn't mean they are falling in love they just want the human touch. It is clear your are not cut out to be a FWB and I would suggest you stop seeing him before you get your heart broken.

 

I have never had a FWB before and you're right that I am probably not cut out for it. I guess I'm thinking if all he wants is sex we would do that and then part ways. The cuddling is indeed confusing because it seems intimate on a different level. Also the fact that he slept over the entire night when he could have easily driven home. Why would he bother with all the extra things like that? I think the only way I'm not going to get my heart broken in this situation is if he takes a chance on me. I don't want to stop seeing him because I don't want to lose my chance to turn it into something more. It's been a long time since I've found someone like him.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have never had a FWB before and you're right that I am probably not cut out for it. I guess I'm thinking if all he wants is sex we would do that and then part ways. The cuddling is indeed confusing because it seems intimate on a different level. Also the fact that he slept over the entire night when he could have easily driven home. Why would he bother with all the extra things like that? I think the only way I'm not going to get my heart broken in this situation is if he takes a chance on me. I don't want to stop seeing him because I don't want to lose my chance to turn it into something more. It's been a long time since I've found someone like him.

 

 

You're right.....He's a keeper....I mean this guy is really moving mountains here....wow....

 

TFY

[SammySammy]

You're moving way too fast.

 

Slow down.

[healing light]

Be careful.

 

I have a friend who is very intelligent and charismatic. He has an intensity and a way about him that make you feel like you're the only person in the room when he's decided to give you attention. As if you're special somehow. He met a woman in law school and gave her the FWB disclaimer. You wouldn't have known based on their hanging out patterns and online activity that they weren't a couple. Over time, she ended up wanting more.

 

I'll never forget the conversation I had with him. He called me because he was finding her periodic withdrawal or moodiness around his not being in an official relationship with her annoying (after what must have been around 2 years!). He basically told me that despite all their time spent together, the laughs, etc. that he had warned her up front about not wanting to be more than friends with benefits, and that he was going to keep her around for the convenience of sex until her bitching about the situation became less convenient than the sex. Until then, she was basically a means to an end. A hole to plug. Any heartbreak or fallout because of her change of desires was on her since he had given the disclaimer in the beginning. He literally told me this.

 

I used to be a part of another forum where there was a common saying that when men give you disclaimers in the beginning-- believe them! Women often think that these situations can evolve, but in a man's mind (from my experience and observation), they generally feel like whatever actions they engage in after the disclaimer are guilt-free because you knew what you were getting yourself into. They aren't sitting back analyzing how things are different and what the next steps to take with you are--you were given the warning, the boundaries were drawn, and whatever happens after that in terms of your attachment and pressure for more are your problem.

 

Please guard your heart and let him know that you realize you want more so for now FWB is not a good idea. That way he knows your stance and he has the opportunity to either step up if that's what he decides he wants, too. But any more hookups and I'm afraid you're in for a rough time. It will establish a pattern that you're fine with less when that's really not the case.

Edited June 16, 2017 by healing light

[michaelfson143]

Several months ago I separated from my husband and I have been ready to start dating people again and to be in a relationship. I have tried online dating and met a couple prospects without it ever going anywhere.

 

 

There is one guy I met who I found easy to talk to from the very beginning - Whether it be texting, phone calls, or in person. I feel like we've become genuine friends who are happy around each other. We ended up making out one day and it was a good time. Later when we were texting he said all he can do is a friends with benefit arrangement though, and not a relationship. I agreed because, well, it's better than nothing.

 

 

He ended up staying the night last night and we had a great time, but it wasn't just physical. We talked, cuddled, and laughed. It felt really good to be in his arms. I know I told him I'm okay with being "friends with benefits" but I'm feeling definite boyfriend potential with him. We are both single, we live close to each other, we enjoy each other's company.

 

 

I think he is afraid to get too serious with me because I am 32 and he is 25 (a mature 25), and I have a 3-year-old child. It's a fairly big age gap yes but like I said we are physically and emotionally compatible. Should I have the relationship discussion with him and if so what's the best way to do it without scaring him off or coming on too strong?

 

Maybe he will be right with you. You are lonely and he is spending so much time with you. You will be more happy with him.

[Royosu]

This happens all the time. He told you that he just wants friends with benefits. You will never be able to change his mindset and you're going to get hurt in the process. It's time to move on

[ExpatInItaly]

What "extra things" is he really doing, though? Has he taken you on a date? Cared for you when you're sick? Gone out of his way to see you, even though sex was not on the table?

 

He's not exactly making much effort, OP. He's enjoying the sex and companionship, but that is not the same as dating. Having some nice conversation doesn't mean much. I have had nice conversations with male friends or even my own past FWB but it didn't mean anything beyond them being good conversationalists.

 

I have also previously spent the night with a FWB when I could have driven home. Why didn't I? Well, I was tired and didn't feel like getting out of bed. It really was that simple. Sure, a cuddle buddy was pleasant but I wasn't interested in making the guy my boyfriend.

 

I think it would really be better for you not to continue with this. He has already make it clear where he stands. You are very likely setting yourself up to get hurt. Do you know if he's sleeping with anyone else? Dating?

[thefooloftheyear]

I try not to be judgemental, but you have a toddler....you have an enormous responsibility at the most critical time in a young child's life....Not that you don't deserve an adult life, but all of your decisions have to be carefully measured for their consequences on your child and their upbringing...

 

This isn't healthy, IMO...First, it's too soon after a split...And the last thing a child needs is to see different guys parading in and out of the house, banging their mother and leaving...

 

You really need to wake up...You only get one shot at this...Don't eff it up..

 

 

TFY

[Amanda9]

Be careful.

 

I have a friend who is very intelligent and charismatic. He has an intensity and a way about him that make you feel like you're the only person in the room when he's decided to give you attention. As if you're special somehow. He met a woman in law school and gave her the FWB disclaimer. You wouldn't have known based on their hanging out patterns and online activity that they weren't a couple. Over time, she ended up wanting more.

 

I'll never forget the conversation I had with him. He called me because he was finding her periodic withdrawal or moodiness around his not being in an official relationship with her annoying (after what must have been around 2 years!). He basically told me that despite all their time spent together, the laughs, etc. that he had warned her up front about not wanting to be more than friends with benefits, and that he was going to keep her around for the convenience of sex until her bitching about the situation became less convenient than the sex. Until then, she was basically a means to an end. A hole to plug. Any heartbreak or fallout because of her change of desires was on her since he had given the disclaimer in the beginning. He literally told me this.

 

I used to be a part of another forum where there was a common saying that when men give you disclaimers in the beginning-- believe them! Women often think that these situations can evolve, but in a man's mind (from my experience and observation), they generally feel like whatever actions they engage in after the disclaimer are guilt-free because you knew what you were getting yourself into. They aren't sitting back analyzing how things are different and what the next steps to take with you are--you were given the warning, the boundaries were drawn, and whatever happens after that in terms of your attachment and pressure for more are your problem.

 

Please guard your heart and let him know that you realize you want more so for now FWB is not a good idea. That way he knows your stance and he has the opportunity to either step up if that's what he decides he wants, too. But any more hookups and I'm afraid you're in for a rough time. It will establish a pattern that you're fine with less when that's really not the case.

 

 

Thanks for your response. I know you're right, and it sucks it has to be that way. I wish he wanted more. I did know what I was getting into but I didn't know it would be this hard to accept and that I would end up wanting more so quickly. :-(

[Amanda9]

Your new guy said he is only up for friends with benefits because he is not interested in a relationship with you. You were warned, yet still went along with it hoping he would change his mind. Likely, he will not.

 

The best way to go from friends with benefits to an actual relationship? Actually date people who want to be with you.

 

If only it were easier to find someone!

[Amanda9]

What "extra things" is he really doing, though? Has he taken you on a date? Cared for you when you're sick? Gone out of his way to see you, even though sex was not on the table?

 

He's not exactly making much effort, OP. He's enjoying the sex and companionship, but that is not the same as dating. Having some nice conversation doesn't mean much. I have had nice conversations with male friends or even my own past FWB but it didn't mean anything beyond them being good conversationalists.

 

I have also previously spent the night with a FWB when I could have driven home. Why didn't I? Well, I was tired and didn't feel like getting out of bed. It really was that simple. Sure, a cuddle buddy was pleasant but I wasn't interested in making the guy my boyfriend.

 

I think it would really be better for you not to continue with this. He has already make it clear where he stands. You are very likely setting yourself up to get hurt. Do you know if he's sleeping with anyone else? Dating?

 

Thanks for your honesty. No, he hasn't done any of those extra things sadly. I'm fooling myself I guess. I don't even know if he's seeing anyone else. I'm a smart woman and I wish it was easier to let go and move on but I am incredibly lonely and enjoy the companionship.

[Redhead14]

but I'm feeling definite boyfriend potential with him

 

He is not boyfriend material if he is telling you he doesn't want a relationship for himself and only wants FWB.

 

Do not string yourself along with the hopes that he will change his mind. And, don't tell someone you are OK with FWB when in fact you are looking for a relationship with someone for yourself. The purpose of having these kinds of discussions is to make sure you are on the same page in terms of overall dating goals to start with . . .

 

I agreed because, well, it's better than nothing. -- You will find that that is not true very soon because you already want more than what he's offering and if you stick with it, you will become frustrated, anxious and resentful.

 

Believe what he's telling you. He's being honest with you and you aren't being yourself.

 

If you are determined to try, you simply make a statement: "Hey, I've been enjoying the time we spend together and I am looking for a relationship for myself with someone". And, then let him talk. Be prepared for him to reiterate his position and/or give you a vague response because he's OK with the way things are and now has a heads up that you may be making your exit and doesn't want to lose his FWB.