Stizzy92 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Hi everyone, My name is Stephanie and I am a long term reader, new poster here (hoped I never had to but here I am!) I guess I'm trying to get advice/ support to cope in this situation. My fiancé of four years and I split up yesterday and I'm struggling to come to grips with it because we are still so civil. He is my best friend and I am finding it really hard to imagine our life together ending. The reason we are doing this is because for the past 6-12 months of our relationship has become increasingly friendship based and both are struggling to find the motivation to change this and keep the changes going (eg we might say "ok, no phones at this time of the day, we will make this time for us but within a week we are back to not engaging) Tbh when the subject came up early yesterday I was relieved that it was out in the open and we could try to get some help with a relationship counsellor, but he wasn't keen to take that road as he did before (with his ex fiancé ironically) and he resented how forced everything felt. He feels that if this side of the relationship dies that it's almost inevitable that some point down the road we will split up. We moved cities together for work about 6 months ago and I feel like a combination of me struggling with my job, the fact he works every weekend now and the general lifestyle change has brought the situation to a head. I have internally been worrying about how we would get past this and put a lot of it down to maybe me having wedding jitters or maybe not accepting that I haven't really been single for all of my adult life. I am 25 and started this relationship coming out of a 3 year one. I'm just feeling lost, confused, shattered and nauseous to think that I woke up yesterday to us joking and laughing and now this.... It's been quite a shock to find out that he has been feeling this way and is coming to the conclusion of ending things without a fight and I think that is what's hurt me the most. Im not sure if he comes back in a few days and begs for us to try whether I'll be able to do it. I thought he would never end things to "rationally" as he has put it. I know I'm not exactly asking for any particular advice in this thread but I would love some opinions on the matter
babysacay Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 From an outsider's view, I'm confused about why it's a bad thing that your relationship is increasingly friendship based. I think good, healthy relationships have a strong foundation of friendship. Also, it sounds like both of you have had relatively recent stressors with work and a recent move, both of which would of course impact a relationship but many couples find ways to work through these things. In addition, it's normal for couple's feelings for each other to ebb and flow; that's just the reality of a long term relationship and not many people realize this. It's the commitment to stay and work through the tough times that make a marriage so, so special. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 What happened with his last fiance if I may ask? I am her friend in real life. He was never that in love with his ex. He never spoilt her and was not enamoured. My friend on here is exceptionally good looking and her as fiance was single and trying to deliberately avoid commitment when they met. He instantly fell head over heels for the OP and remained that way for over 2 years. So the difference here is that he was crazy in love with his last fiance and was pretty lukewarm about the first one. The relationships both ended in similar fashions. But he never saw his ex as the love of his life. He made it known he felt that the OP was. All her friends are shocked. He adored her so no one believes he could do this and be so lazy as to simply not work on long term relationships (which all go through the lack of sparks at one time or another) Poor OP
springy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 So it seems his actions do not match his words. You do not walk away from the love of your life without giving it all you've got. If he wasn't head over heels for the first fiance then why did he engage her? Sounds like this may become a trend for this dude. Sorry OP. Better that this happened before you said "I do". 2
babysacay Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Leigh, your post makes me wonder if he has unrealistic expectations of really long-term relationships? Maybe he was worried about feeling lukewarm about OP and thought that was reason to end it even though it is natural for long-term relationships ebb and flow? 2
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 So it seems his actions do not match his words. You do not walk away from the love of your life without giving it all you've got. If he wasn't head over heels for the first fiance then why did he engage her? Sounds like this may become a trend for this dude. Sorry OP. Better that this happened before you said "I do". Believe me. He was completely head over heels for the OP. His actions matched his words for years. This came about all of a sudden. He had a change of heart in the last few months. He proposed to his ex because he thought it was the right thing to do. There was no strong honeymoon with them at all. He has a history of being too lazy to work on things.
springy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Leigh, your post makes me wonder if he has unrealistic expectations of really long-term relationships? Maybe he was worried about feeling lukewarm about OP and thought that was reason to end it even though it is natural for long-term relationships ebb and flow? Exactly. Like he needs to be on a constant 'in love' high. Two fiances that he has walked away from. Red flag.
springy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Believe me. He was completely head over heels for the OP. His actions matched his words for years. This came about all of a sudden. He had a change of heart in the last few months. He proposed to his ex because he thought it was the right thing to do. There was no strong honeymoon with them at all. He has a history of being too lazy to work on things. Well then love does not mean much to him, I'm afraid.
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Leigh, your post makes me wonder if he has unrealistic expectations of really long-term relationships? Maybe he was worried about feeling lukewarm about OP and thought that was reason to end it even though it is natural for long-term relationships ebb and flow? He does. He is also a bit lazy in other areas of his life. The OP is idealistic too but she acknowledges that you have to work on long term relationships rather than walking away every time feelings aren't fluttery. The OP is a hard worker in general and does the difficult stuff to get ahead. He is nothing like that and the total opposite. This is all so disappointing. His loss, she is a catch and he readily acknowledges that he'll never do as well again.
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Well then love does not mean much to him, I'm afraid. Things change. But he started out and remained madly in love for years with her. He is not into commitment in general and only went after the OP because he was crazy infatuated with her and they then became best friends and got along so well too. Very rare combination. He says that he " guesses he may want kids eventually" yet is in no hurry to start planing for a future. His general outlook is, if the gratification of the honeymoon feelings are absent then yeah, better to just stay single and not have to work hard at it ! He is an idiot for throwing it away as soon as the honeymoon stage ends and the real relationship sets in.
springy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Do you see all the red flag statements you are making about this guy? Was never into his ex but proposed because it was the right thing to do He has a history of being too lazy to work on things Lazy in other areas of life OP is a hard worker and he is the total opposite He is not into commitment in general I am sorry you are hurting but are these are traits you want in a husband? No more posting for me until OP returns. This thread has gotten kind of strange lol. 2
Author Stizzy92 Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 Thanks guys for all of your opinions. His lack of commitment to other things such as progressing in his career and saving for our future has been a concern for awhile. I suppose I just believed he was head over heels and if I left him he would have been completely crushed. I'm still in disbelief that 2 days ago we were out and about having a fun day which ended in sex. Last night I ended the conversation with "if you have any chance of changing your mind please tell me now" he simply said no and today he has been clingy just wanting to make sure I'm ok. It ended with his last ex because they became "just friends" she left him for a man she soon after married and had a baby with
Superchicken Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) OK, so far, its girls views (I hope) and guesses. So here's some from a guy, and Aussie too. If he went out with his mates a lot without you, its a bad sign. How did his family treat you ?. Was it all kisses when they seen you, hugs etc, or just hello Stizzy92.. As this has a bearing on underlying pressures from the parents. If he had his phone with him always, and was on it nearly non stop, again, bad sign. Social media for singles can eat up a lot of time. It also leads to potential hook ups and relationships. If he asked about your ex boyfriend, its fine, but if he asked specifics, like how many times you guys did it, what else you did in bed, etc, then this may have affect his reasoning as to his ideal wife and you. Crykies, there's so much that makes us go bonkers, its hard to say what exactly tipped his scales. However, first thing that comes to my mind, is he has a Social connection with one or more girls. He has more fun with his mates, and what they get up too. I can relate here.. Sorry . But, bottom line, you foundation was unstable. Be thankful it ended now, and not when you too were married. You, your girlfriend (And the rest of us Aussies) are in a great country, with many sites, clubs, bars, theatres, and (In your case girls), "Guys". Just please don't say he was Greek, as it will shame me !. You'll get over him.. However, some guys tend to come back after 2 or 3 weeks.. Once they figure out how bad its out there, they come back to the security of a GF. You need to figure out if this is acceptable to you. It shouldn't be !!. Go have some fun with your friends, watch a movie, etc. Heck, go watch "Fat Pizza" on youtube and have a few laughs get your mind of it. Ted. Edited June 15, 2017 by Superchicken 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 OK, so far, its girls views (I hope) and guesses. So here's some from a guy, and Aussie too. If he went out with his mates a lot without you, its a bad sign. How did his family treat you ?. Was it all kisses when they seen you, hugs etc, or just hello Stizzy92.. As this has a bearing on underlying pressures from the parents. If he had his phone with him always, and was on it nearly non stop, again, bad sign. Social media for singles can eat up a lot of time. It also leads to potential hook ups and relationships. If he asked about your ex boyfriend, its fine, but if he asked specifics, like how many times you guys did it, what else you did in bed, etc, then this may have affect his reasoning as to his ideal wife and you. Crykies, there's so much that makes us go bonkers, its hard to say what exactly tipped his scales. However, first thing that comes to my mind, is he has a Social connection with one or more girls. He has more fun with his mates, and what they get up too. I can relate here.. Sorry . But, bottom line, you foundation was unstable. Be thankful it ended now, and not when you too were married. You, your girlfriend (And the rest of us Aussies) are in a great country, with many sites, clubs, bars, theatres, and (In your case girls), "Guys". Just please don't say he was Greek, as it will shame me !. You'll get over him.. However, some guys tend to come back after 2 or 3 weeks.. Once they figure out how bad its out there, they come back to the security of a GF. You need to figure out if this is acceptable to you. It shouldn't be !!. Go have some fun with your friends, watch a movie, etc. Heck, go watch "Fat Pizza" on you tube and have a few laughs get your mind of it. Ted. I have know the OP for years and the shocking thing about the break up is: he was actually amazing to her the whole entire time. He spoilt her, he used all 5 love languages with abundance and there were absolutely no red flags pertaining to his feelings towards the OP. Everyone that knew them well felt they were the real deal. As for him coming back.. honestly, this man adored the OP soooo much and worshiped her to such an extent for years that everyone thought that HE would be the last one to let the relationship go without a fight. He slept with a high number of women prior to the OP and while he apparently wants kids and is very family orientated, I don't believe he is naturally that into the idea of long term relationships. He is very into seeing his friends and maintaininga social life and he seems very averse to hard work (be is putting the effort into relationships or getting a better job to support a prospective family). He seems like the type who isn't crazy about life long commitments yet met an exception; the OP. The level of infatuation and " in love " feelings were so high for him (it really was an epic beginning they had for all of her friends to see). It boils down to the OP being hard working and him being too lazy to maintain the important things in his life nor is he strong willed enough to be a decent provider for a family. He is the type to coast in an easy albeit reasonably paid role for the rest of his life; it isn't the type of role ANYONE stays in. The OP is the polar opposite in that she got 2 degrees and is looking to work low paid jobs and jobs she hates, in order to get ahead. I hate to be a snob but I feel like the fact the OP put in nearly 6 years of hard study and sacrifice and then STILL worked at jobs that she totally despised and were sole destroying for her ---- versus this ex fiance if here, who is happy to never apply himself or make any sacrifices whatsoever. Frankly, the OP was model scouted and has advanced degrees ---- people commented at how her ex was punching above his weight. Maybe he felt inadequate or perhaps he knew deep down, that he wouldn't be able to provide the OP with the best version of her life (with his mediocre paid job not being enough to comfortably support the 2 kids the OP knows she wants indefinitely). He may instinctively have just known that a harder working guy that was willing to make sacrifices in order to provide better- was the Ops best ticket to a happy life for her? She gently knudged him him the direction of maybe furthering his capacity of employment so that she would be able to take a few years off with babies. He was not interested. I think that is what killed a lot of the spark she felt for him. Yet she was still a loving enough partner to try and work through it. She is a real softie. So there is a lot of crucial points right there. No one that knows them as a couple can believe this has happened. It seemed obvious THAT HE would be the one crushed and unable to live without the OP. I hope the comments help the OP in coming to the realisation that she will probably be happier with a guy who is a better, harder working provider. She is adamant that she wants at least 2 kids and she also knows she is dead set against working until the kids are in school - the ex fiance would never have stepped up and enabled the OP and the babies to live well. He was a spender and preferred to go into debt and live in debt while he spoilt the OP rotten. He is generous and was a doting partner but I know her future with him would not have enabled her to live her best life I would love to believe in fairytales but people don't really change much or readily. I doubt being best friends would have been enough to make her happy while she was broke at home for years taking care of kids. The OP came on here due to me being here for my own crappy way I handled dating. It is astounding and unbelievable to me that my own unstable relationship worked this long, and her friends relationships worked despite early flirting and bad behaviour ---- and yet the most stable and "loved up" seeming relationship (hers), didn't make it. 1
Author Stizzy92 Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 Superchicken, as much that I am in shock, I can't help but start to agree with you. He has been so willing lately to have Sydney casino nights out, after work pub catch ups with his team and golf weekends (which might I add involves him taking the weekend off). I suppose because I have been in this haze of depression/anxiety of the new job and location I have been blaming myself totally for our issues and up until the other day I thought they were problems that He would be so proactive to address with me because he acknowledged that I had been struggling. The lack of answers is really turning me up inside. On Monday we hung out, had a fun day and had (what I thought to be) mutually good sex that night. Now he is telling me we are at a point of no return!?
preraph Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 He isn't ambitious at work and he isn't ambitious about having a marriage commitment and just proposed because he thought he ought to. He's pretty noncommittal in general it sounds like. He can deal with the fun easy times but not the things you have to work on. How old is he and how old are you? Maybe he's just not old enough to want to get this serious. Without you telling me, if he's under 30, he probably is just not ready for the big step yet. He's probably thinking this is nice, but there has to be more, and sometimes this is a hassle and not that fun. If he's over 30, he may never ever be ready and this may just be who he is.
Author Stizzy92 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 He isn't ambitious at work and he isn't ambitious about having a marriage commitment and just proposed because he thought he ought to. He's pretty noncommittal in general it sounds like. He can deal with the fun easy times but not the things you have to work on. How old is he and how old are you? Maybe he's just not old enough to want to get this serious. Without you telling me, if he's under 30, he probably is just not ready for the big step yet. He's probably thinking this is nice, but there has to be more, and sometimes this is a hassle and not that fun. If he's over 30, he may never ever be ready and this may just be who he is. He's 31 and I am 25.
Leigh 87 Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) He isn't ambitious at work and he isn't ambitious about having a marriage commitment and just proposed because he thought he ought to. He's pretty noncommittal in general it sounds like. He can deal with the fun easy times but not the things you have to work on. How old is he and how old are you? Maybe he's just not old enough to want to get this serious. Without you telling me, if he's under 30, he probably is just not ready for the big step yet. He's probably thinking this is nice, but there has to be more, and sometimes this is a hassle and not that fun. If he's over 30, he may never ever be ready and this may just be who he is. I think everyone that knows him would concede that it is just him. Irrespective of age. After the 1st fiance it may have been just his age; plus he also didn't apparently have a honeymoon phase with her and felt like something was missing the entire time. That was a very understandable break. He truly didn't ever adore her or feel besotted by her. But the recent break up happened to a girl that he was heavily infatuated with and head over heels for, for three years. He really did just melt for the OP the moment they met. He was the classic uncommital man who had 0 urge to partner up yet met the made an exception for the OP. It was like in the movies --- where the hardened player type finds that rare girl he goes all silly over...... He went from sleeping around with a new girl literally most weekends....and from having casual dating partners or FWBs exclusively--- and eschewing commitment----- to meeting the OP at a club one night and he said he knew right away that she was the one he could marry. So it was a big case of a guy who wasn't into commitment falling in love at first site, pretty much. He never spoilt his ex or other women yet from day one he was splashing out on the OP and totally pampering her. Not because he is generous but purely because she moved him in ways other women hadnt. His family apparently told the OP that they could tell she was different. After the second failed engagement... It is definitely just him. I think anyone that knows him well could also come to the same conclusion; he got the best case scenario relationship wise yet still wasn't cut out for long term commitment where you need to work on the spark; even when the chemistry starts our 10/10, you still need to work on maintaining it.....it just isn't natural to feel on a lover's high for life! It seems almost... pathetic that he would throw away his best friend simply because he felt that the spark went away after FOUR years? Like....he is clearly totally ignorant and uniformed about what life long relationships are! Edited June 16, 2017 by Leigh 87 1
Miss Peach Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Based on his history I would guess he's not willing to be emotionally available. Something is probably triggering his fight or flight. Another thing is that over time the spark goes away but it changes into something else. That's totally normal but he doesn't seem to realize that.
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