kate324 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I was always taught very 'conservative' ideas about romantic relationships--only recently in college when I have been dating guys who have moved/wanted to move very quickly into kissing, etc. --has it become apparent that this upbringing has caused me to need to move into this very slowly, otherwise I will feel uncomfortable and just end it with the guy (not explaining this to the guy per say, but telling him I'm not interested). I am not even sure what I am ready for. I don't even know my boundaries because of my inexperience. If this is what many guys expect (recently I went out with a guy who wanted to go back to his apartment on our second meeting) should I not date until I feel "ready" or should I explain my feelings about sex to them?
Arieswoman Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 kate, Just be honest. IMO it's far too soon to be going back to a guy's place on date 2. Tell them you want to get to know them as a person and that you want to take things slowly. If they reject you because of that, be glad. It's better that they do it pretty soon after meeting before you have got to like them. Your standards are your standards, so go with what you feel is right for you, and don't be pushed into doing anything different. Good luck. 7
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Not wanting sex is fine. Don't let anybody push you until you are ready. The guy who wanted you in his apartment on date 2 was not interested in being your long term BF. Not wanting anything physical -- hand holding, hugs, kissing & making out -- may be a bridge too far for many guys. I'm not suggesting you abdicate your personal morals & values but I am saying that in college you can make out with a guy & still refuse to go any further. Just pay attention to location & stay out of rooms with beds in them, & definitely out of beds. 6
CptInsano Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I would wait with any romantic involvement until you know the guy better, and/or find somebody with similar values. In think your position may otherwise confuse many men.
Gaeta Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Before dating you at least need to know what you want. If you don't then who does! If you know you don't want to have sex with a man for 1 or 2 months than it is what you want and no one can change that. Be honest, and be open about it. When a man invites you over to his place on a 2nd date just say no thank you, I prefer to get to know you over a few weeks. If it's a problem for him he can go chase some other girls. Plenty of young women do not want to jump into bed early. Don't be ashamed of what you want and don't want. 6
O'Malley Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 You have to learn to be comfortable with and confident about your sexuality, in that you own your sexual feelings, which may change. There's nothing wrong with desiring casual sex with one person and wanting to wait a few months before getting sexually involved with someone else. Along with that, understand what your boundaries are when it comes to romantic and sexual interactions and don't feel pressured to engage in anything that you're not comfortable with at that time. If you're not comfortable with how a situation, sexual or otherwise, is developing, be upfront about wanting to slow down. If the person negates what you're saying, tries to pressure you by calling you a tease or pushes your boundaries in other ways, they're not someone that you want further interaction with.
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 It's ok to not want sex early in a relationship. Don't feel badly about that. But, you really do need to know what your boundaries are and communicate that to a man. It's entirely ok to say "I want to take it really slow" or "I don't believe in sex before marriage" as two examples... But you need to be very clear and communicate this with the men you go out with early in the process of getting to know them. 2
kendahke Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 You need to tell them as soon as the conversation turns away from platonic into romantic. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get into a sexual relationship too quickly, but sometimes that means you cut a conversation short when it starts going there. 2
Author kate324 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 yea..I didn't quite know what I wanted and broke things off with these two guys after they kissed me on the first date (they didn't ask, they just went for it). one was really mean in response and the other was really upset and was calling me for months--but they both were confused. I don't want to inflict any damage with my ambivalence-- they can't read my mind....and if i can't express to guys what i want, we both will feel confused AND I can't give him a second chance after we set these new boundaries. Does anyone have any advice in terms of what reasonable boundaries are?? there are a lot of arbitrary "rules" our culture gives us on dating and I'm not sure which ones to follow
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I would respectfully suggest that you should do what makes you feel comfortable. It's totally appropriate to wait a few dates to hold hands and kiss. You definitely don't need to do this on the first date. But, wait more than a few dates for the first kiss and you run the risk that the guy will lose interest. There is no rule in when to have sex, it will happen when both partners are comfortable. You should begin by getting to know the person, touching and kissing each other, more intimate touching... If I may, don't have sex unless you know the other person is not dating anyone else. It's important to know that the guy is interested in you, not just sex. And, it's all about safe sex. Any guy who pressures you to do something that makes you uncomfortable is not the right guy. And, don't listen to anyone who talks about the "three date rule" - many people go on more than three dates before having sex. It takes time to get to know someone and develop trust. Focus on that, and the rest will come... But most important, is know what you want and communicate that with the guys you date... There is no harm in telling them that you don't have much experience with relationships and you want to take things slow. The good guys will be supportive and understanding - assuming that you are not unreasonable and don't string them along for months and months on end... 2
OatsAndHall Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Before dating you at least need to know what you want. If you don't then who does! If you know you don't want to have sex with a man for 1 or 2 months than it is what you want and no one can change that. Be honest, and be open about it. When a man invites you over to his place on a 2nd date just say no thank you, I prefer to get to know you over a few weeks. If it's a problem for him he can go chase some other girls. Plenty of young women do not want to jump into bed early. Don't be ashamed of what you want and don't want. This, be honest and straight forward with the men you date about this. This will allow you to put the breaks on any guy that is being pushy about sex without dealing with any awkwardness. And, make sure that you are clear about those boundaries; what you are and aren't willing to do. There are guys that will not like this and won't date you. But, Mr. Right will understand, suck it up and take cold showers for awhile. When I as in college, I dated a woman who wasn't ready for that level of physical intimacy but she wasn't very straight forward about it. She's show up at my place, wearing a short skirt, not panties and a HEALTHY libido. Things would get hot n' heavy, she'd establish her boundaries in a passive manner and we'd back off. Well... One night, things went from hot n' heavy to us sleeping together. It was a bad experience after that. It was completely consensual sex, we both enjoyed it and I wasn't pushy about it. She had "buyer's remorse" the next morning and I was told that her and I couldn't see each other anymore because I failed to respect her wishes. So... I was basically told I pseudo-raped her. This did not sit well with me and I goaded her into admitting that it was consensual sex in a text message before I cut her off completely..
basil67 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Kate, I think that you will probably need to get to know someone before wanting to be intimate with them. There's nothing wrong with this. However, you can't get to the point of knowing someone without dating them. So, yes - go out and date. But make it clear from the outset that you need to get to know someone before getting physical. 2
Author kate324 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 I would respectfully suggest that you should do what makes you feel comfortable. It's totally appropriate to wait a few dates to hold hands and kiss. You definitely don't need to do this on the first date. But, wait more than a few dates for the first kiss and you run the risk that the guy will lose interest. There is no rule in when to have sex, it will happen when both partners are comfortable. You should begin by getting to know the person, touching and kissing each other, more intimate touching... If I may, don't have sex unless you know the other person is not dating anyone else. It's important to know that the guy is interested in you, not just sex. And, it's all about safe sex. Any guy who pressures you to do something that makes you uncomfortable is not the right guy. And, don't listen to anyone who talks about the "three date rule" - many people go on more than three dates before having sex. It takes time to get to know someone and develop trust. Focus on that, and the rest will come... But most important, is know what you want and communicate that with the guys you date... There is no harm in telling them that you don't have much experience with relationships and you want to take things slow. The good guys will be supportive and understanding - assuming that you are not unreasonable and don't string them along for months and months on end... thanks! i appreciate the advice!
Bastile Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Does anyone have any advice in terms of what reasonable boundaries are?? there are a lot of arbitrary "rules" our culture gives us on dating and I'm not sure which ones to follow There are two factors. Your own expectations, and the more general expectations of others. Generally, guys expect to kiss a woman on the first couple of dates. They don't expect to ask permission to do it. And generally most women find that it's a massive turn off if they ask. A lot of guys expect sex on the first handful of dates, but then a lot don't. That can be much more flexible based on your own taste. Typically the guys that will approach you will often be the guys that are a bit more aggressive, and that will likely transfer into the dates themselves. Part of the problem with wanting to feel comfortable is that sexual tension is naturally the complete opposite. It's uncomfortable and awkward. Finding the right balance between a sexual tension that keeps your interest, along with not pushing so hard that you get too uncomfortable is likely going to be difficult to find. Could be an idea to strike up conversations with the guys who you like the look of, and are of the shyer variety. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Does anyone have any advice in terms of what reasonable boundaries are?? there are a lot of arbitrary "rules" our culture gives us on dating and I'm not sure which ones to follow Your boundaries are where you set them. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you don't want to kiss on the 1st date, that is OK. Just learn to recognize the body language cues about when a kiss might be coming & head it off. Making sure the kiss does not happen is less awkward then turning your head & aborting it. You need to have some idea about when you might feel comfortable kissing. Because if you don't want any kissing dating is going to be difficult because hand holding & kissing are part of modern dating. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Honestly, if you want to not have any physical contact, kissing hold hands or anything for multiple dates. I would be clear that you want to be friends first. (because really you aren't more than friends with any of that stuff) That'll set up a clear boundary up front. 2
Author kate324 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 yea...this is definitely going to be a difficult balance to strike...when I say conservative I mean SUPER conservative. this aspect of dating is uncharted territory...and i feel guilty about the really physical stuff...it feels wrong because those ideals are so deeply ingrained... but that is something i gotta work out on my own it won't be fun if i always have to put the breaks on someone...it will just leave me feeling guilty and them feeling frustrated. i'll have to find someone who doesnt think they deserve to have it all on the first couple of dates and thinks I'm worth waiting for (as cliche as that may sound). the past several guys I've dated were patient in "the chase" but once they got me to dinner they were jumping too far ahead.
Miss Peach Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 It's up to you to where you want to set your boundaries. I would recommend opening it up to kissing and some touch such as hand holding. I am slow to sleep with men. I have found it easier to hold them off by showing them you have some romantic interest in them. You can make it clear you need time for sex. Some will leave but some will stay too. I have yet to lose a guy really into me because I wanted to take things slow sexually. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 yea...this is definitely going to be a difficult balance to strike...when I say conservative I mean SUPER conservative. this aspect of dating is uncharted territory...and i feel guilty about the really physical stuff...it feels wrong because those ideals are so deeply ingrained... but that is something i gotta work out on my own . Think about where & how you are meeting guys. I would definitely tell them friends first & talk about your boundaries before you go on the date. Many won't stick around. College boys are not the most patient or understanding group of people as a general cliché. But the individual guy who respects your position would be a good match for you. Stick to your guns but do be clear & up front. 2
Miss Peach Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Think about where & how you are meeting guys. I would definitely tell them friends first & talk about your boundaries before you go on the date. I agree she should tell them her boundaries up front so both people don't waste their time if their values/intent are that far off, but I disagree about the friends part. Many guys are scared of being friend zoned but they'll wait if they think there is romantic interest. Another good piece of advice that was given to me was to put men around the bases and gradually let them get away with more. Things don't have to go from make out to sex.
knabe Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 yea...this is definitely going to be a difficult balance to strike...when I say conservative I mean SUPER conservative. this aspect of dating is uncharted territory...and i feel guilty about the really physical stuff...it feels wrong because those ideals are so deeply ingrained... but that is something i gotta work out on my own it won't be fun if i always have to put the breaks on someone...it will just leave me feeling guilty and them feeling frustrated. i'll have to find someone who doesnt think they deserve to have it all on the first couple of dates and thinks I'm worth waiting for (as cliche as that may sound). the past several guys I've dated were patient in "the chase" but once they got me to dinner they were jumping too far ahead. I grew up exactly like you, and I am not one bit sorry that I was careful and waited until my wedding night. Not that you have to do that, but don't let the internet fool you into thinking only weirdos don;t get physical. There ARE people out there with your values. Try to think about this abstractly. What DO you feel comfortable about with regard to physical contact? What do you KNOW if going to cause those sirens to go off? Don't try to ignore your sirens because a corner of society says you should. Just try to be clear. If holding hands and a goodnight kiss is fine, but lots of making out is not, just let the guy know kindly but clearly. "I really like you but I'm not ready for that yet." ANY guy who questions that or gets snarky has just weeded out himself. Guys are not helpless victims of libido and erections. They CAN act like grownups and control themselves. 1
Sweetfish Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 yea...this is definitely going to be a difficult balance to strike...when I say conservative I mean SUPER conservative. this aspect of dating is uncharted territory...and i feel guilty about the really physical stuff...it feels wrong because those ideals are so deeply ingrained... but that is something i gotta work out on my own it won't be fun if i always have to put the breaks on someone...it will just leave me feeling guilty and them feeling frustrated. i'll have to find someone who doesnt think they deserve to have it all on the first couple of dates and thinks I'm worth waiting for (as cliche as that may sound). the past several guys I've dated were patient in "the chase" but once they got me to dinner they were jumping too far ahead. Totally understand your position and how you feel and your up bringing. The real question is why do you need a boyfriend if you are not interested in the physical aspect? Wouldn't you be able to acquire all your needs from friends? Most men will go in for the kiss between the 2nd or 3rd date because often women will not do it. College is a sexual peak of most men and the movies, shows, and media will provoke this sexual college life. This is ideology you do not have to subscribe to, but you need to ask your self if you do have a boyfriend what is it that you want from that relationship. You also need to have some fore thought and think to your self if you do marry one man and have sex with one man... will you ever think what is it like to have sex with other men. Because this happens very often.. 1
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