Space Ritual Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I really don't know what to do. I'll be perfectly honest with you...And I am saying this as objectively as possible and would rather be brutally honest than tell you something you might want to hear. Doing so would be a total disservice to you in a time of discontent. So I apologize before hand as I am not trying to offend you, Guy Number 2 will act all nice and caring but eventually he will tire of lending you an emotional crutch and being denied. Like it or not, relationships tend to be reciprocal in physicality. Guys tend to weigh a risk/reward heavily. If he feels he is doing all the giving he will eventually be less available to hear you out. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you the truth. That whole "Nice Guy" stuff goes out the window pretty fast if the light at the end of the tunnel is perceived as a train. The problem with Guy number 1 is already present. He already has weighed risk/reward, which is why he is ghosting you. I think in all honesty at this point it won't matter if you tell him about guy number 2 because he already has 1 foot out the door. I am just saying we guys tend to be all understanding and "there" for some chick as long as we are getting laid. When that doesn't happen it is easier to go the path of least resistance, as in another chick I am sorry about your trauma, have you been able to seek mental health counseling of any kind? If not please try to seek it. There is no shame in seeking counseling. Good Luck
frus69 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I'm confused because you say you can't have sex yet you keep fu*king around literally and figuratively with multiple guys..it just doesn't make sense
Author foreverdancer Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 I'm confused because you say you can't have sex yet you keep fu*king around literally and figuratively with multiple guys..it just doesn't make sense Um, because I still actually have the ability to feel horny and to want to enjoy sex despite what happened to me as a kid??
Bastile Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Um, because I still actually have the ability to feel horny and to want to enjoy sex despite what happened to me as a kid?? I'm interested. If you had the guy who you thought was progressing towards being your boyfriend (you say it was basically there in all but name), then why were you going out with this other man on the side too who already has a girlfriend? Seems a lot of aggro, especially considering your issues surrounding sex. It would seem to make sense to my mind in having one guy that you work with to make the sex good over time. 1
frus69 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) Um, because I still actually have the ability to feel horny and to want to enjoy sex despite what happened to me as a kid?? So what are you asking, how to get back with this guy or how to be able to have sex? Your title says the first but your post suggests you are more interested in how to have sex since you keep trying it with different men, but unfortunately I dont have a solution, maybe see a shrink Edited June 7, 2017 by frus69
Author foreverdancer Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) I'm interested. If you had the guy who you thought was progressing towards being your boyfriend (you say it was basically there in all but name), then why were you going out with this other man on the side too who already has a girlfriend? Seems a lot of aggro, especially considering your issues surrounding sex. It would seem to make sense to my mind in having one guy that you work with to make the sex good over time. I don't know. We (other guy) just hit it off the moment we started talking to each other, and the mutual attraction was clear. I could tell him things about me that I'm too scared to tell my "boyfriend" for fear of him leaving me if I let him really get to know me. I guess that's it. And whenever I'm frustrated at my guy - we've never really talked seriously about relationship issues we may both be having - I turn to the other guy. So what are you asking, how to get back with this guy or how to be able to have sex? Your title says the first but your post suggests you are more interested in how to have sex since you keep trying it with different men, but unfortunately I dont have a solution, maybe see a shrink I want to make it work with the guy and I want to have a proper and healthy relationship with him because I think I'm starting to be in love with him. But I don't think we're making real progress and we're sweeping our problems under the rug, which hurts me a lot. And whenever I'm hurt, turning to the other guy makes me feel a lot better. But if my guy also wants to make things work and assures me this is real and that he really cared for me then I wouldn't think twice about dropping the other guy... because if it came down to it, I wouldn't choose him. Edited June 7, 2017 by foreverdancer
frus69 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 And whenever I'm hurt, turning to the other guy makes me feel a lot better. This is why he doesnt want to make things work with you.
Bastile Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) This is why he doesnt want to make things work with you. I certainly don't see how it helps anything. If he figures that out at all (and who is to say that he hasn't?), he is just going to close off more emotionally. I've done it loads. In fact, I've seriously found it hard to create a relationship based on virtue, without having things like this going on. That's fine for sport sex, but I don't think that is the kind of sex which would probably help your situation. You want to be truly intimate with someone, then actually try to make it work instead of lining up ducks. The right guy will work with you to make the sex better, not just dump you after one or two goes. But he certainly won't do it if he gets a sense that you are sleeping around with others. If you want the right man, you also need to be the right woman. Everything going on just seems completely counterproductive. Edited June 7, 2017 by Bastile
Author foreverdancer Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 This is why he doesnt want to make things work with you. He doesn't even know. I don't believe he does. I certainly don't see how it helps anything. If he figures that out at all (and who is to say that he hasn't?), he is just going to close off more emotionally. I've done it loads. In fact, I've seriously found it hard to create a relationship based on virtue, without having things like this going on. That's fine for sport sex, but I don't think that is the kind of sex which would probably help your situation. You want to be truly intimate with someone, then actually try to make it work instead of lining up ducks. The right guy will work with you to make the sex better, not just dump you after one or two goes. But he certainly won't do it if he gets a sense that you are sleeping around with others. If you want the right man, you also need to be the right woman. Everything going on just seems completely counterproductive. If we could just make this work and if he assures me he's not done with me even after knowing I have issues, I won't hesitate cutting the other guy off. But if worse comes to worse, I don't know what will happen to me and I get anxious just thinking about it.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 You aren't ready for a healthy relationship, OP. I say that because you cannot expect someone to be open and honest and honorable with you when you aren't offering the same yourself. Screwing around with other men just because you aren't getting the attention you want from the man you're seeing is toxic and unhealthy behaviour. In your other thread, you were given valuable advice about how to address your past in a contructive way. The fact that you continue to choose unhealthy and dishonest coping mechanisms indicates you are not in any place to be asking for commitment. You don't practice mature relationship behaviour, so you can't exactly cry foul here either. A little personal accountability and maturity would go a long way. 5
Author foreverdancer Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 You aren't ready for a healthy relationship, OP. I say that because you cannot expect someone to be open and honest and honorable with you when you aren't offering the same yourself. Screwing around with other men just because you aren't getting the attention you want from the man you're seeing is toxic and unhealthy behaviour. In your other thread, you were given valuable advice about how to address your past in a contructive way. The fact that you continue to choose unhealthy and dishonest coping mechanisms indicates you are not in any place to be asking for commitment. You don't practice mature relationship behaviour, so you can't exactly cry foul here either. A little personal accountability and maturity would go a long way. If I'm not ready for a healthy relationship because of my issues then wpuldn't it follow that I'm also not ready to have friendships? I'm having a difficult time understanding why when I am getting through life just fine because I'm going to law school fresh from a spotless undergrad record, I have a social life, I have good friends, and I can enjoy alcohol and other things without being addicted to them. Why can't I get into relationships, then?
Minneloa Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Because your trauma was sexual. Friendships (and school success, for that matter) don't involve sexual contact and vulnerability, so they don't trigger your childhood issues. 1
Author foreverdancer Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 Because your trauma was sexual. Friendships (and school success, for that matter) don't involve sexual contact and vulnerability, so they don't trigger your childhood issues. I guess there's only one way to find out and that's therapy or counseling... I desperately want to talk to the guy to clear things up. Even if it won't work out in the end. I just want it for my own peace of mind.
Space Ritual Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Closure is fleeting at best and massively overrated. There really isn't such a thing in love as most people do not get the answers they seek, and it is generally for only selfish purposes they seek it. The best thing you could do for yourself is to work on your issues and become a more healthy person and go forward with that new you into your next relationship.
kendahke Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Um, because I still actually have the ability to feel horny and to want to enjoy sex despite what happened to me as a kid?? You don't need another boyfriend or male friend. You need a therapist. The sooner you get about finding one and working out your issues, the better off you'll be. In the meantime, get a job or two or three so that you can earn the money to pay a therapist so that you address your fragmentation. There isn't a boyfriend alive who will help you and you will end up bouncing from guy to guy to guy, being "that" girl and gaining a reputation until you stop being selfish and stubborn and go get help for your emotional issues. They are not going to go away or be sexed out of you. They are entrenched and will stay entrenched until you pull them out by the roots. It doesn't matter how many threads you start--the answer is going to be the same--get professional help. 1
kendahke Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 If I'm not ready for a healthy relationship because of my issues then wpuldn't it follow that I'm also not ready to have friendships? No, because friendships don't require sexual vulnerability. That has been explained to you already. The truth of that doesn't go away just because it's something you don't want to hear/consider or it's too heavy a lift for you. I'm having a difficult time understanding why when I am getting through life just fine because I'm going to law school fresh from a spotless undergrad record, I have a social life, I have good friends, and I can enjoy alcohol and other things without being addicted to them. Why can't I get into relationships, then? I've already told you the answer to this: because none of that requires emotional/physical/intimate vulnerability. You can't maintain relationships because you have not dealt with the trauma of the abuse from your childhood. As long as you're stubborn about fixing yourself, it will always be there to serve as a block to prevent you from moving forward. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 f I'm not ready for a healthy relationship because of my issues then wpuldn't it follow that I'm also not ready to have friendships?[/b] I'm having a difficult time understanding why when I am getting through life just fine because I'm going to law school fresh from a spotless undergrad record' date=' I have a social life, I have good friends, and I can enjoy alcohol and other things without being addicted to them. Why can't I get into relationships, then?[/quote'] Eh? Do you date and want to sleep with your friends? You're comparing apples and oranges. You can get into relationships until you're blue in the face, but your behaviour indicates you have no idea how to make them work. 2
Author foreverdancer Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 The guy I've been dating for 3 months appears to be slow fading me. I've decided to confront him about it because it's worrying me so much. The problem is, we won't be able to see each other for a week but we already made plans. Part of me wants to call him now because I don't want to drag this out any longer. But I also want to talk to him about it in person so it'll be more proper and authentic. Btw, if you recognize me from my other threads, please know that I AM going to seek professional help for my issues and I'll be calling some therapists on Tuesday.
Shanex Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 The slow fading is the way, cowardly way I could add for guys to breakup, or get the woman mad at him and end up getting dumped without taking the decision. Since you won't see him soon, call him, have a blunt convo, avoid any name calling and see what he has to say, listen to his tones. It could tells a lot about what he thinks about you. 1
Maggie4 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 A week goes by fast. You should talk about this in person, calmly. If you cannot make yourself wait for just one week, then I'm afraid that means you are being impulsive right now. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 A week is not that long. It doesn't mean there's a slow fade going on. It means he has a life. No matter what this conversation is best had in person not over the phone. Don't even think about trying to deal with this through text or e-mail. 1
Sara1989 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 The slow fading is the way, cowardly way I could add for guys to breakup, or get the woman mad at him and end up getting dumped without taking the decision. Since you won't see him soon, call him, have a blunt convo, avoid any name calling and see what he has to say, listen to his tones. It could tells a lot about what he thinks about you. Yeah I agree, what is the point of waiting to do it in person? its likely you may not even meet again as he may cancel. Just phone him and ask him what is going on. I am glad you are getting help. I remember a wise poster once said to me on here, "You cannot leave your baggage at a man feet and expect him to pick it up." Please just focus on yourself and heal before embarking on an relationship. 1
Author foreverdancer Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 A week goes by fast. You should talk about this in person, calmly. If you cannot make yourself wait for just one week, then I'm afraid that means you are being impulsive right now. A week is not that long. It doesn't mean there's a slow fade going on. It means he has a life. No matter what this conversation is best had in person not over the phone. Don't even think about trying to deal with this through text or e-mail. His behavior has been going on for about 3 weeks and it got substantially worse this week. It's uncharacteristic of him, and there were times before when he was 10x busier than he is now but he still made time for me. And who's to say he won't completely disappear next week?
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Listen....you have issues about intimacy he isn't exactly excited about handling...he doesn't want to be your therapist, your healer or your emotional tamp(*&. He just wanted a normal relationship with someone who doesn't have sexual baggage. If you can't figure it out I will tell you again....you need therapy, which I told you, you can get for free at a woman's family planning clinic. You are in no position to have a stable fulfilling relationship...not until you fix whatever is going on with you emotionally. Secondly, he knows you are emotionally delicate, so instead of slamming you with the truth that he can't handle your issue with sex, he is jumping ship. He doesn't want anything to do with it. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) Hey forever dancer , i have read your other thread......so i could have some background.....and i could understand the replies you have received.....some guys dont know how to handle situations that you have been in.....not with sexual trauma.....and the resulting issues....especially if you then show signs of these issues while having sex.....pain on penetration....causing uncomfortable feelings triggers memories for you? one reason i know i cant be with a guy who has a huge one..nah dotn like them big.......i avoid triggers when and where i can and just dont go there.....and i have had therapy years of it.....on and off....when i need it.....and you do need it...you are high functioning but dont believe you are not affected....whether you know it or not childhood sexual trauma affects many of your thought processes....insecurity is one way.....anxiety......feelings of guilt shame etc.....especially in sexual unions......... when you said that you werent liking sex with this guy and he could tell by the sounds of it....it would have hit him hard.....and as i said most guys dont know what to say......let alone how to deal with it.....its not something they get taught when they get the birds and the bees talk.....its funny...well not funny but curious......i have met so many women who have childhood sexual trauma....my son is with a woman who had similar trauma to me.....she never had therapy......they have two kids now.....i was able to hep a little.....my son knew my history and i was able to counsel her.....and him......the blind leading the blind i call it i was lucky i found a guy who was very understanding and in many ways it healed certain triggers.....i used to cover my head with a pillow when we first had sexand woudl actually hold it tight when he tried to take it away......meaningless sex where guys paid me was all i was used to and the feelings i felt at first with him made me very insecure.....bought back the child in me, bought her out.....and no child should ever have sex......and one day he chucked the pillows out the bedroom door...and made love to me as a woman......and from that day.....i know how to control certain triggers...i dont have to go back .....i can keep the disassociation out of the bedroom....i have a diassociative personality disorder..... but this guy i was with had seen a lot of things, known a lot of things and had hung around hookers...i was one hooker that he did hang around.....he went into a relationship with me his eyes completely open without graphics but he knew my history we were friends for a couple of years....many hookers have had abuse as history and then there are women who haven't had much sex contact after abuse......and those women like you need therapy.....badly.....just as much as hookers with history do...... i dont lack intelligence i can be high functioning.....you cant tell my history by looking at me,like most peopel cant tell that i am often a child...because i look actually the same as everyone else and i can blend with the best of them..i can adapt better than most people..because i have had too....through trauma...and meeting the worst of mankind..i have developed fighters.....or my body has had to protect itself or god has given me more like it.... ...reserves..conduits.......my own personal one woman....army..smilin maybe thats where the term one man army came from....a multiple personality who had no choice but to have an army to protect them.......and yeah i now sound like a fruit cake...but hey ...thats how life goes...fruity sometimes....we have to live the life we were gifted..... .... like you cant tell your history...makes you high functioning.... but believe me...its there....that history...buried....until it cant be held down...like in sex......using my history to help others has always helped me.....i have no doubt you do well at school and with friendships that dont involve sex...... you cannot blame this guy for not wanting to go further with you.....and i suggest that you dont contact him.....allow him to contact you and if he doesnt.....be prepared to move on.....the crutch of a guy you are using in place of this other guy...dont.....its not fair or right no matter how good he makes you feel....you will end up hurting him....or someone else..........you do need to heal..... group therapy was one of the first therapy routes i took and it is comforting even if you dont want to talk you can listen to others history in a safe secure environment and process your own history in context .......and see you arent alone....the issues you have are common among abuse survivors.....i also suggest therapy and a period of healing...and as far as the guy goes...let him contact you and if he does you break it off...for now.....who knows down the track might what happen.....if you are after long term....heal in the short term....or dont...and have short term relationships that dont last long term.....its your choice..its your control in your life.....you choose.....and i wish you peace....deb Edited June 10, 2017 by todreaminblue 5
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