Drunk texted to end it and now I regret it

[foreverdancer]

I thought things were going well in the that department. It took us more than a month to be physically affectionate with each other (holding hands, kissing, sexual activities) although we're not excessively physically clingy to each other, which is just fine.

 

We had sex twice and both times didn't go well because I have issues with sex due to childhood trauma. I told him during those 2 times that I have issues because of childhood stuff but I wasn't going to tell him the whole story yet. He said it was fine and that we should take it easy. He was really nice about it.

 

We took a 3-day trip last weekend. When we got to our room he initiated sex but again it didn't go well. We just did other sexual stuff and cuddled after. After that he showed no sexual interest at all. He would just play games, scroll through FB, or answer work-related messages even when I try to initiate physical contact. This was also the case for mealtimes. During sleep he would turn away from me still even when I tried to touch him. He also seemed totally uncaring when we went snorkeling, he never encouraged me to get in the water or asked if I was okay because it took me about 15 minutes to get in the water. When we were waiting for the boat he placed his bag between us. He just seemed a bit cold from the first night until the way back home yesterday.

 

Upon getting home, he suggested right away that we catch a movie that night so that consoled me a bit. We postponed it to the following day (today).

 

I thought things were back to normal because we were talking as usual in the car and during lunch, but during the movie he never touched me which was unusual. When I did touch him, he'd move after a while. He kept checking his phone too. In the middle of the movie, he got up without a word and got a drink without even asking me if I wanted one. And when we kissed each other goodbye, I felt that his lips weren't as open as usual.

 

I'm really hurt by this and I've been feeling like crying the whole time. It's not like I need affection 24/7 but there's a marked change in the guy and it's bothering me so much.

[CptInsano]

He may have said that things were okay after sex didn't go well, but eventually it will get to him. I'm sure he understands on an intellectual level, but he may still feel rejected. Or he doesn't understand completely how you feel. I would guess he is more or less trying to "contain the damage" right now.

 

You will need to talk to him about it, otherwise this may slide into some form of friendship or not continue at all.

Edited May 22, 2017 by CptInsano

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, can you elaborate when you say sex didn't go well? What happened?

 

He is probably feeling very confused, between wanting to be patient so as not to trigger you while at the same time feeling rejected by you. Keep in mind he doesn't really know what happened in your past so all he's seeing is that sexual intimacy is not easy for you and he's probably taking it personally even though he knows it's not his fault.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The sexual miscues have already taken its toll. It is clear to me that it is what is on his mind. You need to take some time off from dating as most men will not wait for sex and especially when attempts have been made w/o follow-through. Guys have little patience for no-sex relationships and that is how he sees it.

 

I hope he sticks around until you are more comfortable, but his actions clearly show that is he impatient and will take out on you to "passive-aggressively" show you his discontent.

[foreverdancer]

OP, can you elaborate when you say sex didn't go well? What happened?

 

He is probably feeling very confused, between wanting to be patient so as not to trigger you while at the same time feeling rejected by you. Keep in mind he doesn't really know what happened in your past so all he's seeing is that sexual intimacy is not easy for you and he's probably taking it personally even though he knows it's not his fault.

 

During penetration it would get far too uncomfortable for me after a few thrusts and I just tense up a lot. He asks me if I'm actually enjoying it and I tell him it's unbearable for me because "I have issues". So we just do other stuff and then he finishes.

[Sara1989]

During penetration it would get far too uncomfortable for me after a few thrusts and I just tense up a lot. He asks me if I'm actually enjoying it and I tell him it's unbearable for me because "I have issues". So we just do other stuff and then he finishes.

 

Have you had counselling? do you think it may be better for you to try and heal from your past before trying to have an relationship?

 

The problem is this man has only known you for 2 months, I am sure he likes you but he may be unsure if he wants to take on your baggage so to speak.

[mightycpa]

I have to agree. I'd be willing to bet that it feels personal, like it's him, because he can't understand what you must feel. Not that this is your fault, but it's not his fault either, and he seems clearly unwilling to take this project on. That leaves you and you alone to deal with your future.

 

I'm sure this is the typical reaction that you've seen or will see. You have got to find a way to put it behind you. I don't know if that's counseling or if you've already had a lifetime of that. But you must find a way to somehow let it go such that you can live your life close to how you might have had it never happened.

 

Easy for me to say, but necessary for you, I think.

[alphamale]

I thought things were going well in the that department. It took us more than a month to be physically affectionate with each other (holding hands, kissing, sexual activities) although we're not excessively physically clingy to each other, which is just fine.

 

We had sex twice and both times didn't go well because I have issues with sex due to childhood trauma. I told him during those 2 times that I have issues because of childhood stuff but I wasn't going to tell him the whole story yet. He said it was fine and that we should take it easy. He was really nice about it.

 

We took a 3-day trip last weekend. When we got to our room he initiated sex but again it didn't go well. We just did other sexual stuff and cuddled after. After that he showed no sexual interest at all. He would just play games, scroll through FB, or answer work-related messages even when I try to initiate physical contact. This was also the case for mealtimes. During sleep he would turn away from me still even when I tried to touch him. He also seemed totally uncaring when we went snorkeling, he never encouraged me to get in the water or asked if I was okay because it took me about 15 minutes to get in the water. When we were waiting for the boat he placed his bag between us. He just seemed a bit cold from the first night until the way back home yesterday.

 

Upon getting home, he suggested right away that we catch a movie that night so that consoled me a bit. We postponed it to the following day (today).

 

I thought things were back to normal because we were talking as usual in the car and during lunch, but during the movie he never touched me which was unusual. When I did touch him, he'd move after a while. He kept checking his phone too. In the middle of the movie, he got up without a word and got a drink without even asking me if I wanted one. And when we kissed each other goodbye, I felt that his lips weren't as open as usual.

 

I'm really hurt by this and I've been feeling like crying the whole time. It's not like I need affection 24/7 but there's a marked change in the guy and it's bothering me so much.

I think you have some strong emotional issues that are negatively impacting your sex life. It might be time to see a professional to get to the root cause and to implement an action plan.

[Purepony]

My thought is he's not into you because I've dated girls I'm in to and when I'm in to the girl sex is the last thing on my mind.... believe it or not I'll even push the sec back just to avoid it becoming an issue early on

[smackie9]

There is no way you can expect to have a sexual, emotionally stable relationship with anyone if you have such issues. He isn't a therapist, he's a horny guy that wants a happy normal sexual relationship. I get it, you too are frustrated but he doesn't have to accept this. I feel he is on the fence about it.

 

Obviously you are still going through some serious emotional/physical issues (PTSD?) so you can't expect things to work if you don't fix things with yourself first.

 

I hope you are receiving therapy and continue to get help. IMO you are not ready, you need to focus on yourself and getting better. Whatever it was I'm so sorry this has affected you so badly...no one deserves that.

[foreverdancer]

Have you had counselling? do you think it may be better for you to try and heal from your past before trying to have an relationship?

 

The problem is this man has only known you for 2 months, I am sure he likes you but he may be unsure if he wants to take on your baggage so to speak.

 

I haven't had counseling or therapy before because I've never felt that it affected me enough to screw my life up. I mean, I perform well at school, I have a social life, I have no addiction issues, etc. Well... why should I pass up an opportunity at a proper relationship just so I can "heal"?? Believe me, it's hard for me to get into serious relationships with guys because I almost always get involved with guys who are only looking to have fun or play the game or whatever.

 

I have to agree. I'd be willing to bet that it feels personal, like it's him, because he can't understand what you must feel. Not that this is your fault, but it's not his fault either, and he seems clearly unwilling to take this project on. That leaves you and you alone to deal with your future.

 

I'm sure this is the typical reaction that you've seen or will see. You have got to find a way to put it behind you. I don't know if that's counseling or if you've already had a lifetime of that. But you must find a way to somehow let it go such that you can live your life close to how you might have had it never happened.

 

Easy for me to say, but necessary for you, I think.

 

So... are you suggesting I should break things off with him?

 

There is no way you can expect to have a sexual, emotionally stable relationship with anyone if you have such issues. He isn't a therapist, he's a horny guy that wants a happy normal sexual relationship. I get it, you too are frustrated but he doesn't have to accept this. I feel he is on the fence about it.

 

Obviously you are still going through some serious emotional/physical issues (PTSD?) so you can't expect things to work if you don't fix things with yourself first.

 

I hope you are receiving therapy and continue to get help. IMO you are not ready, you need to focus on yourself and getting better. Whatever it was I'm so sorry this has affected you so badly...no one deserves that.

 

I really want to see a therapist but I recently graduated from college and I have no job. I'll be studying law soon so I have no earning prospects for now at least. And I DON'T want to let my parents know. They don't know anything. And they're just going to panic if I tell them I want to seek professional help for personal issues. They're gonna think it's a waste of money and they'll slap a bible across my face. They're not big on mental health. They're just going to say I'm having problems because I let the devil control my mind. Crazy.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't necessarily need to break up with him, but you do need to be more open with him about what happened so that he can understand what triggers you and that it's not about him.

 

Otherwise, you'll probably find that he doesn't know what to do other than exit the relationship himself.

 

This hasn't dramatically affected your life to this point because it sounds as though you haven't dated seriously, which is where these problems would arise. If you would like to enjoy a truly intimate relationship, you will need to address the past. It won't be easy but it will be necessary to maintain a healthy and supportive relationship.

 

You mention you are going to be studying law soon. Are there perhaps on-campus counseling services you can look into?

[foreverdancer]

You don't necessarily need to break up with him, but you do need to be more open with him about what happened so that he can understand what triggers you and that it's not about him.

 

Otherwise, you'll probably find that he doesn't know what to do other than exit the relationship himself.

 

This hasn't dramatically affected your life to this point because it sounds as though you haven't dated seriously, which is where these problems would arise. If you would like to enjoy a truly intimate relationship, you will need to address the past. It won't be easy but it will be necessary to maintain a healthy and supportive relationship.

 

You mention you are going to be studying law soon. Are there perhaps on-campus counseling services you can look into?

 

How would I go about telling him without shocking him or making him uncomfortable?

 

And I'm not sure about counseling services in law school. I'll look into that.

[kendahke]

I haven't had counseling or therapy before because I've never felt that it affected me enough to screw my life up. I mean, I perform well at school, I have a social life, I have no addiction issues, etc. Well... why should I pass up an opportunity at a proper relationship just so I can "heal"??

 

That's like saying "why shouldn't I run this marathon just so my broken femur can heal?"

 

Because you are not emotionally and physiologically whole, that's why. You are fragmented and you need a professional to guide you back to being whole. School, social life, addictions don't require you to be emotionally/physically vulnerable to a man, but relationships that succeed require this. For you to stick your head in the sand and pretend there is no problem here is completely counterproductive.

 

 

 

So... are you suggesting I should break things off with him?

For the time being, yes, if he hasn't decided to do it already. You need to get to resolution within yourself before you are ready for the rigors of relationship because no man wants a roommate/buddy as a romantic partner. If he is a red-blooded, healthy male, he's going to want sex and to deepen his connection with you through sex. I'm sorry, but that is how life is. The sooner you address your abuse issue, the sooner you're able to enter and maintain a successful relationship.

 

 

I really want to see a therapist but I recently graduated from college and I have no job. I'll be studying law soon so I have no earning prospects for now at least. And I DON'T want to let my parents know. They don't know anything. And they're just going to panic if I tell them I want to seek professional help for personal issues. They're gonna think it's a waste of money and they'll slap a bible across my face. They're not big on mental health. They're just going to say I'm having problems because I let the devil control my mind. Crazy.

What do they say about you attempting to have sexual contact with someone who isn't your husband? Fling that bible back in their teeth, then.

 

Your school has counselors--you need to look into that instead of totally shooting the whole matter down. While you're still on your parent's insurance, you have access to mental health before congress totally guts the ACA, so make hay while the sun shines because the new health care bill has eliminated mental health care.

[act00]

You need to address your issues in order to have a healthy relationship, of which includes a healthy sexual relationship. I agree with the above post - before ACA gets cut, and while you have student services, take full advantage of what is available to you. Take advantage of counselling through student services and any other venue available to you.

 

I can promise you that when entering into a new relationship, there is no way on God's green earth I'm going to take on your (general you) baggage. I have enough sh*t on my plate as it is, and I certainly don't plan on taking on more, and certainly not with someone I barely know, even if I truly adore this person. It is just not going to happen. This guy of yours is probably in a conundrum because he truly likes you, but really doesn't have the capacity or even desire to take on your issues. You have fully rejected him, and this affects him, even though he knows you've suffered trauma...is he maybe thinking to himself, "Can I deal with this long-term? She's repulsed by me."

 

Fix yourself first.

[ExpatInItaly]

How would I go about telling him without shocking him or making him uncomfortable?

 

And I'm not sure about counseling services in law school. I'll look into that.

 

I don't think you can, in the sense that it's a delicate subject and there's no way around the fact that it's uncomfortable to talk about.

 

However, you can try to mitigate it by telling him you would like to talk about your past because you know it's affecting your present and you don't want him to take your behaviour personally. Tell him it's not easy for you to talk about but you feel it's only fair to let him into this part of your life - then explain what happened. Do this in person.

 

I can't really offer much more advice than that, as I haven't walked in your shoes. But I really feel you can't put this off much longer, as he's already showing signs that he's pulling away from you. It might be more than he can handle; or, if you show him you're taking steps towards healing, he might be willing to try to work with you. There's no guarantee about how that will go, but I feel you owe it to yourself and to him to open up.

 

If you don't feel you are ready to talk about it, then you would be best to end the relationship. Work on healing. Then reconsider dating and relationships.

[elaine567]

During penetration it would get far too uncomfortable for me after a few thrusts and I just tense up a lot. He asks me if I'm actually enjoying it and I tell him it's unbearable for me because "I have issues". So we just do other stuff and then he finishes.

 

You say that it is not affecting you, but this is in no way normal and few men are gong to put up with sex like this without a good cause.

Similarly few women would put up with a man who after a few thrusts said "It is unbearable for me to continue", without a good explanation as to why.

 

If you find it difficult to talk about then that is where "help" may come in.

If sex is painful for you may be suffering from vaginismus. I assume by "childhood trauma" you mean sexual abuse and that can result in vaginismus.

Read here - Vaginismus - NHS Choices

Vaginismus is the term used to describe recurrent or persistent involuntary tightening of muscles around the vagina whenever penetration is attempted.

It can disrupt or completely stop your sex life, and can lead to distress, a loss of confidence and relationship problems. It may even prevent you starting a family.

The condition can also make gynaecological and pelvic examinations difficult or impossible.

The symptoms can vary from one woman to the next. Some women are unable to insert anything into their vagina because it closes up completely, while others can insert a tampon but are unable to have penetrative sex, and other women are able to have sex but find it very painful.

[coolheadal]

I thought things were going well in the that department. It took us more than a month to be physically affectionate with each other (holding hands, kissing, sexual activities) although we're not excessively physically clingy to each other, which is just fine.

 

We had sex twice and both times didn't go well because I have issues with sex due to childhood trauma. I told him during those 2 times that I have issues because of childhood stuff but I wasn't going to tell him the whole story yet. He said it was fine and that we should take it easy. He was really nice about it.

 

We took a 3-day trip last weekend. When we got to our room he initiated sex but again it didn't go well. We just did other sexual stuff and cuddled after. After that he showed no sexual interest at all. He would just play games, scroll through FB, or answer work-related messages even when I try to initiate physical contact. This was also the case for mealtimes. During sleep he would turn away from me still even when I tried to touch him. He also seemed totally uncaring when we went snorkeling, he never encouraged me to get in the water or asked if I was okay because it took me about 15 minutes to get in the water. When we were waiting for the boat he placed his bag between us. He just seemed a bit cold from the first night until the way back home yesterday.

 

Upon getting home, he suggested right away that we catch a movie that night so that consoled me a bit. We postponed it to the following day (today).

 

I thought things were back to normal because we were talking as usual in the car and during lunch, but during the movie he never touched me which was unusual. When I did touch him, he'd move after a while. He kept checking his phone too. In the middle of the movie, he got up without a word and got a drink without even asking me if I wanted one. And when we kissed each other goodbye, I felt that his lips weren't as open as usual.

 

I'm really hurt by this and I've been feeling like crying the whole time. It's not like I need affection 24/7 but there's a marked change in the guy and it's bothering me so much.

 

I feel your pain and sorrow here. But I have a good idea what happen to you when you where younger. I won't say it here because that's your business. That issue is why this my has pushed you away. He doesn't want to be with you more than a friend, you have lost that with him. The signs are right in front of you. Yet your holding on to lost love. Sex has damaged his ego to the point he has met someone else. The interest is gone for you and him. He's checking his cell phone and gets up to have a drink without you. That means forget it. You should not be with him like this. Do not go anywhere with him ever again.

 

You need to seek help for your sexual behavior disorder because you really shouldn't have sex with anyone just yet. You have to cope with what happen in your childhood first. This is something that has to be address my child. If you don't you won't seek the happiness you want with any man.

[foreverdancer]

That's like saying "why shouldn't I run this marathon just so my broken femur can heal?"

 

Because you are not emotionally and physiologically whole, that's why. You are fragmented and you need a professional to guide you back to being whole. School, social life, addictions don't require you to be emotionally/physically vulnerable to a man, but relationships that succeed require this. For you to stick your head in the sand and pretend there is no problem here is completely counterproductive.

 

 

 

For the time being, yes, if he hasn't decided to do it already. You need to get to resolution within yourself before you are ready for the rigors of relationship because no man wants a roommate/buddy as a romantic partner. If he is a red-blooded, healthy male, he's going to want sex and to deepen his connection with you through sex. I'm sorry, but that is how life is. The sooner you address your abuse issue, the sooner you're able to enter and maintain a successful relationship.

 

 

What do they say about you attempting to have sexual contact with someone who isn't your husband? Fling that bible back in their teeth, then.

 

Your school has counselors--you need to look into that instead of totally shooting the whole matter down. While you're still on your parent's insurance, you have access to mental health before congress totally guts the ACA, so make hay while the sun shines because the new health care bill has eliminated mental health care.

 

You need to address your issues in order to have a healthy relationship, of which includes a healthy sexual relationship. I agree with the above post - before ACA gets cut, and while you have student services, take full advantage of what is available to you. Take advantage of counselling through student services and any other venue available to you.

 

I can promise you that when entering into a new relationship, there is no way on God's green earth I'm going to take on your (general you) baggage. I have enough sh*t on my plate as it is, and I certainly don't plan on taking on more, and certainly not with someone I barely know, even if I truly adore this person. It is just not going to happen. This guy of yours is probably in a conundrum because he truly likes you, but really doesn't have the capacity or even desire to take on your issues. You have fully rejected him, and this affects him, even though he knows you've suffered trauma...is he maybe thinking to himself, "Can I deal with this long-term? She's repulsed by me."

 

Fix yourself first.

 

I don't think you can, in the sense that it's a delicate subject and there's no way around the fact that it's uncomfortable to talk about.

 

However, you can try to mitigate it by telling him you would like to talk about your past because you know it's affecting your present and you don't want him to take your behaviour personally. Tell him it's not easy for you to talk about but you feel it's only fair to let him into this part of your life - then explain what happened. Do this in person.

 

I can't really offer much more advice than that, as I haven't walked in your shoes. But I really feel you can't put this off much longer, as he's already showing signs that he's pulling away from you. It might be more than he can handle; or, if you show him you're taking steps towards healing, he might be willing to try to work with you. There's no guarantee about how that will go, but I feel you owe it to yourself and to him to open up.

 

If you don't feel you are ready to talk about it, then you would be best to end the relationship. Work on healing. Then reconsider dating and relationships.

 

You say that it is not affecting you, but this is in no way normal and few men are gong to put up with sex like this without a good cause.

Similarly few women would put up with a man who after a few thrusts said "It is unbearable for me to continue", without a good explanation as to why.

 

If you find it difficult to talk about then that is where "help" may come in.

If sex is painful for you may be suffering from vaginismus. I assume by "childhood trauma" you mean sexual abuse and that can result in vaginismus.

Read here - Vaginismus - NHS Choices

 

I feel your pain and sorrow here. But I have a good idea what happen to you when you where younger. I won't say it here because that's your business. That issue is why this my has pushed you away. He doesn't want to be with you more than a friend, you have lost that with him. The signs are right in front of you. Yet your holding on to lost love. Sex has damaged his ego to the point he has met someone else. The interest is gone for you and him. He's checking his cell phone and gets up to have a drink without you. That means forget it. You should not be with him like this. Do not go anywhere with him ever again.

 

You need to seek help for your sexual behavior disorder because you really shouldn't have sex with anyone just yet. You have to cope with what happen in your childhood first. This is something that has to be address my child. If you don't you won't seek the happiness you want with any man.

 

Wow. All I have to say is thank you for bringing this into light in a way I'd never considered before. This explains a lot of things. Now I'm firmly sold on seeking professional help. However, I don't live in the USA, so it isn't possible for me to follow your advice about the ACA. Perhaps I will try to take on easy side gigs for money to pay for therapy or just check out my university's counseling services.

 

I still want to talk to him and be honest about what's bothering me without dumping all of my childhood issues on him. I don't know, but I really want to make this relationship work. If he doesn't want me anymore after that, then fine, I'll move on. But I don't want to exit this relationship with no closure whatsoever, so I NEED to communicate. I just don't know how because things have been fine on the surface lately. How do I confront him about a problem (i.e. his withdrawal of affection) that isn't glaringly obvious enough for me to make a fuss about it?

[smackie9]

I haven't had counseling or therapy before because I've never felt that it affected me enough to screw my life up. I mean, I perform well at school, I have a social life, I have no addiction issues, etc. Well... why should I pass up an opportunity at a proper relationship just so I can "heal"?? Believe me, it's hard for me to get into serious relationships with guys because I almost always get involved with guys who are only looking to have fun or play the game or whatever.

 

 

 

So... are you suggesting I should break things off with him?

 

 

 

I really want to see a therapist but I recently graduated from college and I have no job. I'll be studying law soon so I have no earning prospects for now at least. And I DON'T want to let my parents know. They don't know anything. And they're just going to panic if I tell them I want to seek professional help for personal issues. They're gonna think it's a waste of money and they'll slap a bible across my face. They're not big on mental health. They're just going to say I'm having problems because I let the devil control my mind. Crazy.

You are an adult now, you are responsible for yourself. There is free counseling available to individuals who have been a victim of sexual assault. All it takes is a visit to a women's health clinic, and the doctor will set things up for you. NO EXCUSE. The resources are there.

 

As for your BF, he's probably going to bow out of this relationship. Being in a relationship for the reason to heal in unhealthy and will not benefit anyone.

[kendahke]

I still want to talk to him and be honest about what's bothering me without dumping all of my childhood issues on him. I don't know, but I really want to make this relationship work. If he doesn't want me anymore after that, then fine, I'll move on. But I don't want to exit this relationship with no closure whatsoever, so I NEED to communicate. I just don't know how because things have been fine on the surface lately. How do I confront him about a problem (i.e. his withdrawal of affection) that isn't glaringly obvious enough for me to make a fuss about it?

 

The best you're going to have with this guy is platonic friendship for the time being.

 

You can try to have a discussion with him, but understand that he's not obligated to stick around just because you've had a conversation. The fact of the matter is: you haven't begun to address your issues with a professional and to him, you're still unavailable as a sexual being, so really, the talk, while it will clear the air, may not make any difference in whether he wants to invest further with you. Just be prepared for that and don't invest in thinking that he will stay out of pity, which is a horrible and manipulative reason for anyone to stay.

 

You're going to need months of therapy to really get down deep and pull your issues out by their roots before you're in a place where you can be what he needs. It may involve your parents and your anger at how they failed to protect you from what happened. Don't count on him waiting for you. He's not married to you, so he isn't obligated to wait.

 

From where I sit, it appears that he's not investing emotionally in you because he doesn't want to lead you on any further than you have been. He's cool friendzoning you and not getting any deeper than the surface, but I dare say, from what you've written, he's already set your relationship adrift and is looking elsewhere for someone who can sexually connect with him; he's just being nice to you.

 

Act00's post is quite on point with how a lot of emotionally healthy and whole people, both male and female, feel about someone who clearly has unresolved trauma that they've chosen to ignore, then bring to a relationship expecting the other person to unpack and sort that baggage.

 

Whatever you do, don't make it a "you" conversation; this is an "I" conversation. This isn't about him. It's about you and your issues that are impeding a natural occurrence between two people.

Edited June 5, 2017 by kendahke

[foreverdancer]

You are an adult now, you are responsible for yourself. There is free counseling available to individuals who have been a victim of sexual assault. All it takes is a visit to a women's health clinic, and the doctor will set things up for you. NO EXCUSE. The resources are there.

 

As for your BF, he's probably going to bow out of this relationship. Being in a relationship for the reason to heal in unhealthy and will not benefit anyone.

 

The best you're going to have with this guy is platonic friendship for the time being.

 

You can try to have a discussion with him, but understand that he's not obligated to stick around just because you've had a conversation. The fact of the matter is: you haven't begun to address your issues with a professional and to him, you're still unavailable as a sexual being, so really, the talk, while it will clear the air, may not make any difference in whether he wants to invest further with you. Just be prepared for that and don't invest in thinking that he will stay out of pity, which is a horrible and manipulative reason for anyone to stay.

 

You're going to need months of therapy to really get down deep and pull your issues out by their roots before you're in a place where you can be what he needs. It may involve your parents and your anger at how they failed to protect you from what happened. Don't count on him waiting for you. He's not married to you, so he isn't obligated to wait.

 

From where I sit, it appears that he's not investing emotionally in you because he doesn't want to lead you on any further than you have been. He's cool friendzoning you and not getting any deeper than the surface, but I dare say, from what you've written, he's already set your relationship adrift and is looking elsewhere for someone who can sexually connect with him; he's just being nice to you.

 

Act00's post is quite on point with how a lot of emotionally healthy and whole people, both male and female, feel about someone who clearly has unresolved trauma that they've chosen to ignore, then bring to a relationship expecting the other person to unpack and sort that baggage.

 

Whatever you do, don't make it a "you" conversation; this is an "I" conversation. This isn't about him. It's about you and your issues that are impeding a natural occurrence between two people.

 

You're all right. Things have started to get worse lately. I'm on vacation with my family and I won't get back until Sunday and I'm just hoping that he'll still be in for a talk. I haven't been handling all of this well and I've been crying a lot at the end of the day.

[foreverdancer]

I'm suffering so much right now.

 

The guy I've been dating for almost 3 months - for all intents and purposes, let's call him my boyfriend because we're practically in an unofficial relationship anyway - has been acting pretty cold towards me since our vacation. I don't know why, but it's probably because we attempted to have sex 3 times and it was unsuccessful because I still have childhood trauma which makes sex really uncomfortable and difficult for me. It's something I vaguely told him about.

 

Anyway, I know this part is really bad but hear me out. I've been having a thing with another guy for 2 months (we started talking about 2 weeks into dating my boyfriend) and there's a wonderful connection between us. But he has a girlfriend.

 

We also tried to have sex. I told him I had issues because I was sexually abused as a kid; he knows the whole story. And it just frustrates me because he has been so nice about it and nothing has changed ever since I told him that. He knows I'm suffering because my guy has been so distant lately and he knows I'm deeply upset because I think it's about how my issues are affecting me and my guy's sex life.

 

I really don't know what to do.

[Purepony]

You are digging yourself into a hole

Stop dating and sleeping with people who have gfs, go seek some theraphy.

[smackie9]

You are so desperate for some emotional attachment....this is so unhealthy that you are seeking it with someone who is emotionally cheating on his GF. You are still being messed up and making poor choices. We all gave you advice the last thread. You need to seek out therapy.

 

Please look up codependency.