Girlfriend (LDR) frequently disappearing -- why isn't she just breaking up?

[talueng]

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl in our fifth year now. We met when I was working abroad. Despite the obvious difficulties (distance, culture etc.), our relationship actually is going well; we see each other 2-4 times for some weeks each year, the rest of the time we talk every day (a few texts in the morning and during the day, then a call when she goes to sleep) and generally care for each other a lot.

 

The problem in our relationship is that every once in a while and completely out of the blue she kinda disappears, not texting/calling me, not picking up my texts/calls either. She will eventually come back after a day or a few days (or at least pick up my calls/messages then) and either apologize or act like nothing big happened.

 

Apart from general worries that something might have happened to her, her disappearing causes me fears that she might be cheating (half year or so into our relationship I found out she went on a date with someone behind my back which pretty much destroyed all trust between us) or just running away/leaving me without notice (a year or so into our relationship she went on disappearing for almost two weeks and only reacted when I actually flew there to see her and talk). I just rationally cannot understand why she would have to disappear otherwise. She always comes up with emotional stress as a reason, but it just doesn't make sense to me why family problems or worries about health must lead to such a dramatic action. Take this time, for example: We were in contact every day, even talking on the phone or via video call in the morning and evening, without any signs of an issue. Then completely out of the blue she disappears, and after three days tells me she was upset because I wasn't there enough for her while she is sick and worried about her cancer screening.

 

What's making things worse, however, is that she pretty much acts like she doesn't give a **** about it at all. When I show my frustration and disappointment, normally through acting cold/distant or going on a break to think things through, there is no effort or initiative from her end to come up with a solution and save our relationship, or just to make me feel better. The first time she disappeared (for two weeks), I even booked a flight to see her and talk. It was okay for me at that time because I thought I had actually been acting like a jerk and causing her to leave. At least at that time we were able to sit down together and agree on certain ground rules (such as no disappearing).

The second time I actually broke up (out of pure helpnessless) and was the one coming back again. The third time, I said I needed time to think, and, again, was the one to make the first step towards her to get back together. Now, the fourth time, she just didn't call/text anymore after I acted cold/distant the days after her disappearing.

 

That was six weeks ago, and we didn't have any contact since then. I am reluctant to make the first step yet again, even though (or: because) I know she won't make the first step either. Plus I know the conversation would pretty much be like getting blood our of a stone; me talking and trying to encourage a conversation how to fix things, her mostly quiet or responding "hmm, ok, yah, sorry, don't know."

 

 

Her behavior leaves me confused and sad. I feel like she doesn't give a **** about our relationship. I don't even feel comfortable sharing my feelings with her anymore because I feel she doesn't care. If our relationship was important to her, why would she not fight for it?

 

Does she wanna break-up but isn't brave enough to do it? Is it her way of breaking-up or forcing me into doing it?

 

Are my expectations regarding having a regular communication in a LDR over the top? Is it okay when your significant other goes offline for days? Is she just too emotionally unstable and I am not seeing and respecting that enough? Is it normal behavior for some girls to cope with stress?

[central]

Perhaps you're the backup plan? It might be better for you to disappear or break up with her, so that you have some control over the outcome rather than letting her walk all over you.

[basil67]

If the two of you haven't spoken in six weeks, I'd say that you HAVE broken up.

 

Some people do disappearing acts when stressed. It's not a man or a woman, thing, it's a *some people* thing. I had a partner who did that and I'd never tolerate it again.

 

Next time you're in a relationship where the other person doesn't meet your needs and keeps not meeting your needs, you need to end it permanently. Don't waste years like this on someone who's not a good partner for you again.

[talueng]

Perhaps you're the backup plan?

Of course, that thought came to my mind. A lot. But then I start thinking again of all the other time where we actually are happy. These disappearings account for maybe 2% of our relationship. The other 98% of the time we are talking daily, including every night before she goes to sleep. She spends most of her money on flights to see me. We made plans to live together. Etc.

 

If the two of you haven't spoken in six weeks, I'd say that you HAVE broken up.

Or is it just two stubborn and emotionally unstable people acting? I mean couldn't it be what you said in your second paragraph, i.e. that she indeed was so emotionally stressed that she reacted that way?

[clia]

After five years, what was the plan to close the distance?

 

If there were no plans in the fairly immediate future (i.e., within the next six months), it seems you are both probably better off to just leave this be and to find someone who you can actually date in real life and see on a more frequent basis. Breaking up four times over the course of a relationship is not the sign of a good relationship. Just forget it and move on.

[talueng]

After five years, what was the plan to close the distance?

As she was just starting her first job, I didn't want her to sacrifice her career over it so we agreed she should first gain work experience. Visa regulations also make it difficult, because (apart from a work or study visa) we would have to marry to get her a visa (and we both don't wanna jump into a marriage without having lived together some time before). So the plan actually was that she would study her master's here, so we both could live together without having to jump into a marriage and without her having to sacrifice her career.

[d0nnivain]

You have now broken up 4 times & you haven't spoken in 6 weeks. You have been in this LDR for 5 years but don't mention closing the gap. Maybe it's time you both move on to somebody more local.