mercy Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I also confess that I feel the urge to contact OM for "closure," and that would be so easy. It's so easy to keep in touch. But I also know that "closure" is another word for "let's stir this thing up and keep in touch." So even though it hurts to miss him and that I've hurt him, I'm choosing to let it go. It's hard. I agree. Plus I don't even know that I believe in closure. I do know it's something we give ourselves when we are ready to finally let go but not anything given to you by another person. I love that you sent him an email! Seems he took the time to read it and let it settle in. I hope it gave him so peace. So when are you going to check into the counseling for you? I do have an odd question though. If it was an EA and you never met, how was it physical? Did I miss something in your posts? Concerning my h's affair, the talking drove me more crazy than the sex did. To me the sex, eh. I mean it still made me cry but the talking! About me...too much! My ten thousand questions after the affair always ended with, why did you talk to her! His answer would be, I was just talking and I'd come unglued. We decided in therapy that he wouldn't say that to me anymore. Maybe suggest your h write you an email?
usa1ah Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 I am surprised you stayed. The issue is, he has to control his anger. He needs to take responsibility for his affair. You can do nothing to change him and his ways. He has to want to chafe and do it for himself and his family. 1
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 It was never physical. We just did our share talk about sex and I did have fantasies about him. This is what is bothering H more than anything: that I thought about sex with someone else and talked about sex with someone else. OM wanted to meet. We planned three times and all of those times I came up with an excuse. I told OM I would not and could not have sex outside the marriage, but at the same time we talked a lot about our fantasies, so I guess I contradicted myself a lot. Truth is, I know if we met, even if I told myself rationally that I wasn't going to have sex, if we had enough privacy, you know how things go. Maybe that's one of the many reasons why I couldn't facilitate our meeting. It was all very confusing. I believe in karma and I also wouldn't be able to just go back home and look at my husband in the face like nothing happened. As far as their talking about me (H and OW), it drove me up a wall that SHE had the audacity to talk badly about me and call ME a manipulator and tell my husband not cheat on HER with me. This is a person that never met me, and probably doesn't even know how I look like. She doesn't know anything about me! But then again, reading posts here, I can see that when a MM or a MW decides to stray, they usually paint the Spouse as a horrible person, way worse than they are in reality. They make themselves out to be in a loveless marriage where there's no sex (usually there is) and where they feel misunderstood. I'm guilty of that myself. I often told OM about all the dirt on my marriage, mostly looking for validation, BUT at the same time I did not leave out the good things H did do for me to the OM. Sometimes OM would start badmouthing my husband and I'd defended some of the accusations. One time OM actually said: "well, I don't know the guy. I can't judge." Because it's true. What the cheating spouse is saying to the OM and OW can be very different from reality. I wonder sometimes if that's why OW was so hooked on my husband. He probably told her this whole sad story about how awful things were and that I was this evil person. In that skype conversation he actually tells her that the reason I got pregnant with my second was that I insisted on having sex and nearly raped him. I still laugh about that (sad laughter, mind you) because HE kept insisting we had sex and I remember clear as day, telling him I was ovulating and was off birth control and we should wait a few days. He kept saying it was time to have another because he wanted our family to grow. So you can see why that skype conversation just did something in me. 3
usa1ah Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Ok what you did was wrong. Stop beating yourself up about it. Your H had a PA for what 6 to 8 months. He blames you for it. He needs to get over it.
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 I'm doing ok. H has been very nice and normal. I think he did read the email I wrote him. Ever since that email, he has been very nice and sweet, doing everything he can to make me happy. I'm also being the same with him. Sex life took a big turn for the better and we have been spending a lot of time together. Every once in a while OM enters my mind and I feel bad for cutting contact completely. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know this is necessary... Both so I can focus entirely on this and also for that to be over once and for all.
harrybrown Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Hope in your email you wrote the timeline of the A and all the sex sessions. Please start protecting your H over your AP. You put your h first by realizing that the AP wanted to meet with you to have sex with you. He was not really your friend. He does not deserve "closure". Put your H's needs over your AP now. AP is not the father of your children. yes your H did wrong. But revenge affairs do not make things better. They make it worse. You are both on the same moral standing. If you can't put your H ahead of your AP now, just file for D and go be with the AP. Please make sure you have told your H the entire truth about the sex sessions. Good luck to your family. and stop the fond thoughts of the AP that wanted to get into your pants. He is a threat to your kids. Hope you wake up and realize that he is a threat to your kids.
mercy Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I'm doing ok. H has been very nice and normal. I think he did read the email I wrote him. Ever since that email, he has been very nice and sweet, doing everything he can to make me happy. I'm also being the same with him. Sex life took a big turn for the better and we have been spending a lot of time together. Every once in a while OM enters my mind and I feel bad for cutting contact completely. I didn't want to hurt him, but I know this is necessary... Both so I can focus entirely on this and also for that to be over once and for all. Maybe one day you'll see him for what he is, an enemy to your marriage. Just as the OW is, right? Have you thought anymore about counseling? You need date nights! Have you checked into the respite care? I think it was 16 hours a month. Take advantage of that. 1
Ahurtgirl Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Having two autistic kids can challenge any marriage. My neighbor has two teenage boys that are both autistic and her husband was killed in a car accident about five years ago. She has major health issues herself and unable to work. If it wasn't for her parents being able to financially support her and help her with her kids, there would be no hope for her. You have much more going for you... get over your pity party and realize what happened is in the past. You have so much to be thankful for!
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