Now what?

[Nowwhat9]

And yes, he blames me for his affair.

[Nowwhat9]

He got me pregnant right before he left for deployment saying I was the one for him and that we would go through this together. While deployed we didn't fight at all because I hung up whenever I could feel him picking a fight. When he got back, he go out of the plane asking for a divorce (picture me nine months pregnant with a toddler) and at home he would scream at my face on a daily basis, for no reason. To this day I think the stress of it all may have affected our sons development. As you can see, I have some resentment.

[mercy]

And yes, he blames me for his affair.

 

What about counseling?

 

Is he still in the military?

 

Many, many programs available to both of you.

[Nowwhat9]

What kind of programs?

 

He is against counseling. When we did it after his affair, we tried two and both of them let him have it. I guess he didn't like the reality check.

[mercy]

What kind of programs?

 

 

Here's a good source to start - Military OneSource - 24/7 Support for the Military Community

 

I'll find some more if you need it later today.

[Zona]

My depression is under control. Right now it's just the anxiety of this that is out of control. I wish I could think more clearly. My heart is beating a million miles an hour. I can't sleep.

 

The problem is not just the divorce per se. Both of our kids are special needs. It worries me how this will all affect them.

 

Sorry to hear.

 

I hope you find a way to work things out that allows you to find some peace, and continue to provide the best for your children.

[mercy]

Nowwhat9, here are some more sites that may be of help to you.

 

Check into the respite care, you really need a break.

 

There are also programs to help you further your education.

 

https://branchta.org/the-respite-care-question-for-military-children/

 

National Military Family Association: EFMP + Special Needs

 

How to Find Free Military Marriage Counseling | Military.com

 

Operation Autism

 

https://www.autismspeaks.org/military-families/resources

 

Concerning his affair, it's still an open wound, doesn't matter how much time has passed because it has never been resolved. You were blamed, discussion over. Remember how that felt? How it still feels? He's feeling the same way concerning your affair. Don't play tit for tat. Find a way to talk, really talk.

 

H and I could have played that game all day long. But at some point you have to ask yourself, are you in it for love. Do you love him?

 

I had the same problem with, what happened to the man I married, that one that had so much integrity and he had the same for me. No, I never cheated but I did tell him before the affair that I wanted a divorce and I meant it.

 

Reconciliation is a beautiful thing but you have to want it more than you've ever wanted anything in your life. Do you want it?

[Nowwhat9]

Thank you! I do sometimes feel like I love him, and sometimes the resentment is too great. I don't know how to get past it.

 

This past week, after he found out, he was actually being so sweet and so nice. I suddenly saw that guy I married. It moved me. But then he got angry again.

 

He has anger issues... The kind where he breaks things and puts his fist through walls. Lately they have been frequent. It's hard to love someone who gets like this, especially after his affair.

 

I want my family and the moments we do have that are great, but I also want harmony. That's one thing I often said to the OM whenever he asked what I wanted. I said, harmony.

[mercy]

I said, harmony.

 

Interesting!

 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi

 

If harmony is still your goal then you have to get into counseling. Because you aren't going to be able to do this on your own.

 

Therapy is the best gift I ever gave myself. Honest to God truth, it was absolutely life changing for me. It can be for you too. I did talk therapy, it takes longer but I had all the time in the world if it meant healing.

 

You want harmony, I wanted mercy. I got it and so much more.

 

Do you think your h has PTSD? If he is getting violent you need to report him to his superior. He will be required to get the help he needs. Any time he gets into a rage and you are frightened you need to call the police if you are off base, MP's if you're on base. From the minute he stepped off the plane he hasn't been 'normal', right?

[Nowwhat9]

He hasn't been himself. No. He did seek psychiatric help then and got better, but the rage is back. I can't report him to the police. He'd lose his position.

 

I once called his commander about his being suicidal and I thought for sure he would hurt me when he got home. He was enraged that I did that.

[elaine567]

...I thought for sure he would hurt me when he got home.

Has he hurt you before?

[Nowwhat9]

No, never. But I've been afraid of him. Sometimes the screaming and throwing things gets to be scary.

[elaine567]

No, never. But I've been afraid of him. Sometimes the screaming and throwing things gets to be scary.

 

Yes, I can imagine that.

Why do you stay?

[Nowwhat9]

It's not always bad. It's either 80% wonderful and 20% awful.

[mercy]

It's not always bad. It's either 80% wonderful and 20% awful.

 

If you are seriously scared for you and your children contact The Family Advocacy Program. If not see the base Chaplin, she/he can direct you to the help you need.

 

So, what are you going to do?

[DKT3]

Your affair is your affair, his affair was his affair. Him having an affair didn't cause you to have one.

 

In reading what you've wrote, I get that you aren't accepting that they are independent, that you believe you have some kind of moral high ground. All is just blame shifting yours​.

 

Playing devil's advocate, he is deployed likely scared and lonely. He calls you and you hang up on him when you feel he is "ABOUT" to start a fight....you understand that it can, and most likely was viewed by him that you weren't there for him emotionally? Which causes resentment. I mentioned this because I get the sense that you feel the marriage issues are his issues. You will never repair a marriage when you believe the spouse is the issue.

 

Honestly, neither one of you sound like idea spouses, yet you don't seem willing to face your short comings....

 

Two affairs separated​ by years, much of which was spent by you being in an affair...now, once caught you want to bring up his affair...do you not see the irony there?

[mikeylo]

Is it fair to say that you might have had a revenge affair ? Seems like it.

[Jemima1234]

How has your marriage been in the years since affair? Emotionally- do you date, talk etc? Physically - have you had a good sex life? Or do you feel your husband is not fully connected to you?

[wmacbride]

He got me pregnant right before he left for deployment saying I was the one for him and that we would go through this together. While deployed we didn't fight at all because I hung up whenever I could feel him picking a fight. When he got back, he go out of the plane asking for a divorce (picture me nine months pregnant with a toddler) and at home he would scream at my face on a daily basis, for no reason. To this day I think the stress of it all may have affected our sons development. As you can see, I have some resentment.

 

I'm military spouse, and we have three kids, two of whom are on the autism spectrum. Deployments can be really hard.

 

Am I correct in my understanding that when he came back, he suddenly announced he wanted a divorce?

 

Here are a couple of explanations that might shed some light on what he's doing.

 

(a) If his personality is a complete 180 from before, if he snaps at every little thing, if he spends a lot of time wandering the house at night because he can't sleep, if he's sort of "muttering" to himself, if he seems depressed and withdrawn he could have developed PTSD. It's not uncommon, and can really change a person's behavior.

 

(b) You indicate that when he came back, he announced he wanted a divorce. The only way I can see this making sense is that he was either cheating before he deployed, or he met someone while he was away.

 

Either way, I'm sorry that you have joined the crappy "betrayed spouses club". My best advice to you would be to get some counseling as a couple and as a family. There's a lot going on here, and a professional can help you sort it all out.

 

If you do think he's having issues with PTSD, make him get help now.

[wmacbride]

He hasn't been himself. No. He did seek psychiatric help then and got better, but the rage is back. I can't report him to the police. He'd lose his position.

 

I once called his commander about his being suicidal and I thought for sure he would hurt me when he got home. He was enraged that I did that.

 

One piece of advice.

 

Never, ever go to his chain of command unless it's absolutely necessary- this being said, I can't blame you for reaching out in desperation.

 

Is there a unit padre where you husband works? If so, they can be excellent counselors, and have been trained in counseling, especially with respect to combat, military families, etc. . With few exceptions, what's said to them is kept confidential- unless your husband says he's going to hurt himself or someone else.

 

From my experience, they don't force their beliefs on you. I'm agnostic, and I found the priest who was my husband's padre really helpful. He never once mentioned religion.

[knabe]

Your affair is your affair, his affair was his affair. Him having an affair didn't cause you to have one.

 

In reading what you've wrote, I get that you aren't accepting that they are independent, that you believe you have some kind of moral high ground. All is just blame shifting yours​.

 

Playing devil's advocate, he is deployed likely scared and lonely. He calls you and you hang up on him when you feel he is "ABOUT" to start a fight....you understand that it can, and most likely was viewed by him that you weren't there for him emotionally? Which causes resentment. I mentioned this because I get the sense that you feel the marriage issues are his issues. You will never repair a marriage when you believe the spouse is the issue.

 

Honestly, neither one of you sound like idea spouses, yet you don't seem willing to face your short comings....

 

Two affairs separated​ by years, much of which was spent by you being in an affair...now, once caught you want to bring up his affair...do you not see the irony there?

 

I'm not really surprised AT ALL by this post but it still blows me away.

 

OP, your choice was very wrong. But the idea that your cheating husband was the poor lonely soldier defending our country and you are a harlot is laughable.

[DKT3]

I'm not really surprised AT ALL by this post but it still blows me away.

 

OP, your choice was very wrong. But the idea that your cheating husband was the poor lonely soldier defending our country and you are a harlot is laughable.

 

??

 

I'm talking about personal responsibility and empathy. She isn't holding herself accountable for her actions and she clearly showed a lack of empathy towards her husband while deployed. My point is, she repeats over and over again about her resentment, yet acts as if she's been a good wife..

 

Each is responsible for thier own affairs and actions. She seems to hold him accountable for Bo h his affair and hers.....not sure what about that blows you away other then a female blindly siding with another

[knabe]

other then a female blindly siding with another

 

Mainly because of this, which also, as a long time lurker, does not surprise me.

 

Infidelity is terrible and inexcusable. I've been cheated on and it is a pain that you can't describe unless you have felt it. But whether we like it or not his affair and blameshifting does impact her choices. They didn't force her choices, but they impacted them. Just like I'm sure you would say your choice to have an EA was impacted by your wife's affair. It doesn't excuse it, but we cannot pretend that there is no connection at all.

[Southern Sun]

I'm sorry, OP. I hear a lot of panic in your posts.

 

I hope you've been able to take a deep breath since last evening. If you haven't, please try to do so now. Part of the problem is that you are both hiding and denying REALITY. If you will both sit down and face the truth...simple facts...you can start to deal with it and stop all the freaking out. I'm not saying there won't still be anger. But a lot of the anxiety you feel is because you are trying to hide from reality.

 

His anger is probably because he is imagining things to be a lot worse than they actually are. Did you think about that? He knows you are hiding things. If you keep on doing so, he will think he's never getting the truth. I imagine he's assuming you met the guy. Men don't usually maintain a relationship with a woman they've never seen. ALL of your truth is probably not as bad as what he's thinking.

 

I know you said he doesn't want counseling, but it sounds like you really need some sort of facilitator of communication. You've been rug-sweeping your own feelings about his affair, and he hasn't dealt with them properly either. I doubt this new revelation is going to be handled any better.

 

He's done wrong. You've done wrong. It doesn't make either one of you bad people. Just pull your head out of the sand and own up to your decisions. Tell him the truth and don't fold under the pressure. Keep moving and think, what now? Just like your name. What do you need to do next? What's the next right move?

 

This isn't as bad as you think. You know your goal. You won't get there by hiding.

[Nowwhat9]

I've been away from here because I've been away from my phone. I'm literally putting my phone down and leaving it on the counter. One of his complaints is that I'm always on my phone.

 

A little update: I sent him a long email, that took me over two hours to write, in that night I couldn't sleep. I said everythibg, from beginning to end... How the affair started, went on, ended, how I felt, etc. He went to work still furious with me. When he came home he held me, and has been loving since.

 

He has been having a lot of issues at work and I'm waiting for the dust to settle before actually having a conversation about us, but he has been nice and we even had sex.

 

I'm going to try and answer some of the questions here:

 

For the person who says I should take responsibility for my side of the equation. I fully take responsibility for the fact that I wasn't faithful. I knew it wasn't right. I too believe that nothing really justifies cheating and that there's always a way out of a relationship, if things are really bad and that cheating is cowardly. I do believe that too.

 

But then there's the other side of me... I never even thought about another man before his affair. Never even looked at another man differently. That ex always wrote, always "poked" me through the years and each time I would show my husband the emails. I never engaged and procured any kind of relationship.

 

While my husband was deployed, I didn't literally "hang up" on him. When he started snapping, I'd excuse myself for whatever reason and leave. It was never rude. HE was the one not talking with me. He left me pregnant, and feeling very very sick. He volunteered to go.

 

I had an extreme case of morning sickness that lasted all day and for 22 weeks. Our kitchen ceiling FELL, literally fell, and I had a very hyper one year old. I didn't have family and barely any friend near (we had just moved into that town). My DH didn't seem to care about any of this and HE was the one MIA in most evenings when I tried calling him. Now I know that on these evenings he was with her and the affair started early on in the deployment. So who was really lonely?

 

As far as how our marriage has been, from another question... Before the deployment he was already showing signs of PTSD, and he did have other deployments before. Ever since I met him, he had those moments of either depression or fury, but never towards me. It was always towards his ex wife, boss, etc. I actually kept wondering when that would shift into being about me. My friends warned me not to marry him. They saw it before I did.

 

The shift to me being the source of his anger happened after I had my first child. I know this sounds like a strange theory, but I think he was jealous of our baby. To this day (now middle age) he complains about how much more attention his younger brother got when he was born. And he also mentions that his ex wife would give their son a lot more attention than to him. I always thought that was such a weird way to see things and used to tell him: of course she paid more attention to him; he was a baby!

 

So I don't know. Maybe his shifting had something to do with it. I'm just speculating.

 

As far as after the deployment... During that first year that he got back, we barely touched each other. We were roommates and I felt very little for him.

 

I still had him on a pedestal, even after he cheated, until I read his Skype conversation with OW. In it SHE was badmouthing me saying I was manipulating him by mentioning that I was about to give birth and that that was such a sorry excuse for us to be together. And then she'd say: she seems to be doing ok. She will be ok.

 

I couldn't believe he would even talk with a woman like that, let alone have an affair. The man I married had such integrity, that if I told him a story of a friend who was doing what OW was doing, he'd ask me to stay away from that friend. That's the kind of man I'd see him as.

 

On that day something died inside of me.

 

As the years went by since the affair, we slowly reconnected, but there was always something missing.

 

Then last summer, when we moved, I cut things off with OM to focus on my marriage. Things seemed to be getting better at home and we were both excited about the new house, new state, etc, but with the stresses of his new job, that's when he started breaking things. In one of those nights, I contacted OM again and we started talking again.

 

Recently, DH and I found a hobby we both enjoy and have been spending our weekends together with it. Things seemed to be improving again and I cut things off with OM again, but I still couldn't just get over him, that's why I read so many books about cutting contact, letting go, getting over someone.

 

That's what my husband found on my kindle and that's where all of this started. He didn't catch me cheating. He caught me getting out of it.

 

Anyway, I confess I think about OM. I feel bad for pushing him away. I do miss him. The thing that people who have never had an EA understand is that it's not just about sex. There's a connection there that can be intense. It's easy to be caught up in it exactly because it's not real life. There's no mortgage. There's no screaming children. It's almost like a dating relationship, when there's no real obligation, so the other person seems too good to be true.

 

I also confess that I feel the urge to contact OM for "closure," and that would be so easy. It's so easy to keep in touch. But I also know that "closure" is another word for "let's stir this thing up and keep in touch." So even though it hurts to miss him and that I've hurt him, I'm choosing to let it go. It's hard.