Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I'm going to make this short, but it's a long story. I have been married for 8 years. Have two children. Both are autistic. When I was pregnant with the second one (and the other one was 1 year old) my husband was deployed and when he came back he dropped the bomb that he was having an affair and wanted to leave. He actually filed for a divorce right before the baby was born. I was broken and suicidal and he eventually came back home, claiming he broke it all off with the other woman. Although I believe him, I couldn't shake the rejection and the trauma. I never truly believed he came back for me. It felt as if he came back for this kids and because of the financial hole it created. Enter an ex boyfriend I hadn't seen in over a decade. We started talking online and had an emotional affair for the last 3 years. We never met in person and it never became physical. My husband found out about my emotional affair a week ago. I ended it. Because he kept grilling me, I told him the extent of it, that it had been going on for years after his affair. He says what bothers him the most is that I'm not being completely honest about everything. He keeps finding more things as I lie about them. I lie to avoid fighting even more, and I don't want to lose him. I really regret the emotional affair, but how can I be honest about everything? It will just make him angrier and will create more distance. I'm lost on what to do.
PegNosePete Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 how can I be honest about everything? It will just make him angrier and will create more distance. You are doing what is called "trickle truth". Your constant lying is preventing trust being rebuilt. If he discovers one lie, how can you expect him to believe that everything else you're saying is true? If he doesn't believe you, how do you expect to build trust between you? Look you have to bite the bullet here. Sit him down and tell him everything. Tell him you need to get it all out in the open. Tell him at the start that he will be upset and angry, but he needs to hold it in for a few minutes to let you speak without interruption, until you've told him everything. Then he can respond. Use a talking stick if you have to. 5
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 I'm not sure if he can handle it. The truth is that we didn't just email and we were planning on meeting. That's why I keep lying. Im afraid if I tell him it all, I will lose him for good. 2
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 We talked on the phone. We skyped. It was sexual and a lot more intense than I'm letting it on.
mikeylo Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 The thing is that he knows in his gut that there is more to what you are letting it on. That's why you are not moving forward. You will be stuck in this until he believes his version and move on for good. Your only way is to confess the entire thing. Good luck. 4
PegNosePete Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I'm not sure if he can handle it. ... Im afraid if I tell him it all, I will lose him for good. You should let him be the judge of that. It's unfair of you to make a unilateral decision. It's unfair to ask him to forgive you, when he doesn't even know what he's meant to be forgiving you for. If he chooses to leave you then you have to accept that. It's not telling the truth that will cause him to leave, it's what you did. He needs to know so he can make an informed decision. 3
Midwestmissy Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 My wh told me the same thing. Truth was, HE wasn't able to handle the truth. It was all about protecting himself not the marriage. I can guarantee you that the very ugly truth is worth more to him than all your watered down lies. He doesn't believe you because you're still lying. You need to let go of the outcome. It's not in your control. I think cheaters struggle with this a lot. 5
Overtaxed Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 We talked on the phone. We skyped. It was sexual and a lot more intense than I'm letting it on. What everyone else is telling you is right, you have to tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. It's an EA, there's a good chance he'll be able to get over it if you are totally truthful with him. Here's the thing, guys aren't as dumb as many people think. We know what we want, and we know there's no possible way we'd keep TXTing a woman for 3 years if there wasn't something really hot and steamy going on. So he's fully expecting some "I can't wait to have you inside me" and "You'd taste so good right now" stuff. Why? Because he knows, as do I, that there's no possible way a guy would TXT you for this long without some seriously kinky stuff being said in those messages. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say what you don't want to tell him is that there are explicit sexual discussions in there, talking about how big the OM is, how much you'd like to do XYZ to him, how you imagine him when you masturbate (or even when having sex with your husband). I'd also be shocked if there weren't pictures exchanged, if I were your husband, I'd never believe that until confronted with incontrovertible proof. Why? Because we know ourselves. If I was the OM, darn right I'd be asking for pictures. Nope, we wouldn't be talking about the weather, we'd be talking about sex. And if you wouldn't do either, and all the talk was banal and "I love you's", I'd move on. I suspect your husband feels exactly the same way, because, he, like me, is a guy. Tell him the truth, let him decide what he can take and what he can't. Recover the message for him if he doesn't know how and let him see it for himself. He deserves to make a decision based on facts, and, in the absence of those facts, he will make up his own "facts" to fill in the pieces. If he's anything like me, his facts might be even worse than the truth. 4
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 How do you retrieve a deleted message? I do want to show him when I cut contact with the OM
GoldenR Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Download Dr Fone. It's an app that will restore deleted texts.
BetrayedDad Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I'm in your husbands shoes right now, except much much worse. My wife had an affair for the past 4 years. Despite what she did, it is her constant lies and trickle truth that is actually destroying our chance of reconciling. I asked her to just give me the brutal honest truth so I can get upset, get it out of my system, and start trying to rebuild trust. Unfortunately, she thinks like you, that it will be too hurtful. The problem with not giving all the hurtful details is that he will never be able to rebuild his trust in you...and that will end your relationship. It's not the acts of the past, it's the continued secrets and lies. 5
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 We never used texts. Just emails and skype.
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 I'm trying to remember how I felt when he cheated. He didn't tell me the whole truth right away. I too, found most of it by going through his emails and skype account. I remember that after reading a conversation between him and OW, something died inside me, and it's been dead since. It was such a shock to find out that the man I regarded as the man with the most integrity, didn't really have it. Eventually the whole truth came out, and some I only found out now that I had the courage to ask him, because of this 2
reboot Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 We never used texts. Just emails and skype. Most email front ends copy the message to a "deleted" (or similar) folder when you delete them. Most only save them for a certain amount of time. You might check that. No idea about Skype.
Starswillshine Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Tell him the truth, all of it. Every bit that he wants to know. Maybe he doesn't want all the details, but if he asks, give it any detail he wants. Trying to protect him from additional hurt (or rather in this case, protect yourself from his anger... ) will cause so much more damage. I am a BS. My husband lied to me and minimized exactly what happened for over a year. Now, knowing the lengths he went through, I can't trust anything he says. The lies afterwards is every bit as damaging as the affair, if not worse. 5
Zona Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 It's bad enough you had an affair like that. Anything less than 100% honesty now will mean a further erosion of trust guaranteed. What do you want? Do you want your husband or the old boyfriend? You can't have both. That's why it's called cheating. Is your AP (affair partner) married? 1
knabe Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 You wanted honesty when he chose to cheat and leave you (with a baby no less), and he didn't give it. This is your chance to give him what you wanted - the truth. Honestly, if he can't handle it, he's one hell of a hypocrite. 1
mercy Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 I remember that after reading a conversation between him and OW, something died inside me, and it's been dead since. It was such a shock to find out that the man I regarded as the man with the most integrity, didn't really have it. But because you have done the same thing is your compassion for your h growing or are you still feeling dead inside towards him? Does he know how you feel? Why did you take him back?
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 He came back after we were almost through with the divorce. One day I just couldn't get out of bed. He came back home that day. We never had s real conversation about it. We would talk and he would become defensive, saying I blamed him for everything (meanwhile he blamed me). A little back story: I had post partum anxiety and depression with my first and DH worked late most night. A lot of times he'd come home and I was a mess. Exhausted. We didn't have family or friends near. It was hard. He blames that on why he cheated. He doesn't know about that dead feeling. He does know I held him on a pedestal until the day I read that skype conversation. As far as compassion for him, it took me by surprise how much this EA bothered him. I thought for sure he'd just get angry, but initially he was actually more loving towards me. For a second I saw the glimpse of that man I married and felt something like love again. But then last night he became suspicious when I left the house during a fight - mostly because he was screaming (we were fighting over his troubled son, my stepson) and I needed to be away from him. When I got back he lunged at my cell phone, thinking I was hiding something. Since then he has been furious.
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 As far as the OM, it's over. I don't want to be with him. I want to make my marriage work. I was breaking it off before all this happened. As a matter of fact, my husband found out about it through the books I had on kindle - all on how to get over someone and move on, and confronted me on what that was about.
Zona Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 The truth is that we didn't just email and we were planning on meeting. That's why I keep lying. Im afraid if I tell him it all, I will lose him for good. I was breaking it off before all this happened. So you were going to meet with him to break it off then? 1
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 We were planning to meet in the past. I cancelled both times. My point is that he doesn't know we had planned on actually meeting.
BluesPower Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 The point is not that your H does not know... The point is that he knows you are lying. Like everyone here is telling you, you have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And he might divorce you, but if he knows that you are lying he will probably divorce you anyway. Do the right thing... 2
mercy Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 We never had s real conversation about it. We would talk and he would become defensive, saying I blamed him for everything (meanwhile he blamed me). Still to this day he still blames you for his affair? Why don't you both sit down and be honest with each other? Do you have your depression under control? 1
Author Nowwhat9 Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 My depression is under control. Right now it's just the anxiety of this that is out of control. I wish I could think more clearly. My heart is beating a million miles an hour. I can't sleep. The problem is not just the divorce per se. Both of our kids are special needs. It worries me how this will all affect them. When we got back together I didn't know yet that my baby would grow up to have a more severe case of autism, but I already knew my oldest needed help. This was one of the reasons I fought so hard to stay together and just swallowed my proud. As far as talking with him, every time I try to convey how I felt and feel about his infidelity, he gives me the stock answer: "I guess I'm a horrible person and you're just perfect." Or "this was three years ago!"
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