Fiancee ended things 2 months before the wedding

[Jsos91]

Hello everyone,

 

My fiancée we're together a little over 2 years and she just ended things about 2 weeks ago. She's left me hurt and confused over everything.

 

Everything was going fine, she just started a new school program in the city at the beginning of May and I was starting my new program in the fall, everything was coming together for us.

 

I will mention that we had had a rocky couple months coming up to her starting this program. We were living with my parents to save money and she was butting heads with my mother over wedding stuff. We kept telling eachother we were going to be fine and we would stick together through everything. We started to look at apartments and eventually found one that she was excited about that we lined up to move in in August.

 

I noticed she started to act really unhappy once she started school, she insisted this program was incredible and was exactly what she wanted but she still seemed unhappy and off. When she was away in the city she would see off but when she was home and with me she seemed perfectly fine and totally like herself. She took care of most of the wedding planning and seemed excited about our future, would bring it up all the time. The drifting kept getting worse and worse while she was away until she got home one night and out of nowhere said she was having doubts. She said this program was making her reevaluate things and that she was changing and seeing her life go in a different direction. I was a bit confused because at this point she had only been in this program for 3 weeks. I chalked it up to cold feet but I still felt like there was something she wasn't telling me. The next day I managed to get it out of her that she was having feelings for someone else in her program. I wasn't sure how to feel because again, it had only been 3 weeks so how intense could these feelings be.

 

The next day I told her I wanted to go a few days NC to get our heads on straight because I was hurt and confused. We went the Sunday to Thursday and met up. I told her we could postpone the wedding and we didn't even need to move in together if that's what she wanted, we could start fresh. She broke it off anyways and said she just felt happier in the city without me and that she just wants to go in a different direction.

 

So we decided to separate our stuff together a couple days later but I changed my mind and told her I'd just do it and leave it in the garage because I didn't want to see her. She got really upset with me that I didn't want to see her and called me hostile and wondered what changed from our breakup talk a couple days earlier (we were really civil). I just told her I was heartbroken and I couldn't see her. The next 24 hours she kept messaging me asking why I was being so hostile and cold, she also asked if her stuff was going to be thrown all over the lawn which was insulting. She came to her her stuff and messaged me saying she wished she could hug me goodbye. I decided to go out and say goodbye. I was surprised because I was the strong one and she was the one who broke down. She asked if she'd ever see me again and asked why I'd been so cold. I just told her no and that this is what happens in a breakup, we can't just be friends. She then told me she loved me and grabbed me and hugged me so tight. I didn't tell her I loved her back, I just couldn't.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has any opinions on what's going on in her head to end a 2 year, solid relationship after 3 weeks in a new school program?. Also why she was acting so bizarre when it came to our final goodbye?

 

I'm still so confused and my head is still spinning from this roller coaster ride. We haven't talked in a little over a week and this new life just feels strange and foreign.

[niji]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any opinions on what's going on in her head to end a 2 year, solid relationship after 3 weeks in a new school program?. Also why she was acting so bizarre when it came to our final goodbye?

 

She relishes in the new "single" life in the city and enjoys the freedom after being together with you for 2 years. If I may ask, how old are you both? This behavior is typical of those who haven't fully grown (ie early 20s) - I experienced this myself, about the whole being confused and wanting independence to grow up, right as undergrad was about to end (early 20s).

 

If she admitted to having feelings to someone else but still proclaimed that she loved you... I'm sorry, that's because she wants to keep you on the backburner in case her new interest doesn't work out. This behavior is my pet peeve, breaking up with someone while still saying you "love" them. Bunch of horse manure. You love them but want to hurt them in the worst way possible?

 

On your side, I think you've handled it exceptionally well - no begging, pleading even though I'm sure it hurts like hell. Just stick to NC, maybe take a break and go somewhere to be alone for a little bit if you're that type of person, or surround yourself with friends and family so this can pass quicker. Whatever it is, do not contact her, and do not start dating anytime soon.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Before I even read halfway, I thought: She's met someone else.

 

How old are you both? She is obviously not ready to commit to you forever, even if she'd thought she was.

 

What's going on in her head is that she feels guilty. Maybe she hasn't yet acted on her attraction to the other guy, but she definitely wants to if she ended an engagement over it. That is likely not so easy to admit to herself, because she knows it hurts you. Or maybe she has already done something she shouldn't have, and her guilt is in those tears. She likely also felt surprised that you told her to hit the bricks, and she knows what people are going to think of her for calling it all off like this. And the "I love you"? Bull crap. She doesn't love in the way a fiancee should.

 

You're right to be confused how a 2-year relationship can be thrown away based on 3 weeks of interest in someone else. But what that shows is that she wasn't anywhere near as invested as you'd imagined. My guess is she'd probably been having some doubts about marriage for a little while, even if she never voiced them or demonstrated that to you. The truth is someone who really wants to and is ready marry you doesn't flush the relationship down the toilet over a crush.

[preraph]

What happened, and I'm sorry because I know it hurts, is that she realized she is not finished developing as a person and exploring. People really shouldn't marry young. They are usually really cheating themselves out of their own individual personal development, finding their true path. I'm sure it didn't help any that your mom was such a pain and that was probably a wake-up call for her too that she is not ready to be that entrenched with someone else's family and maybe family at all.

 

It's a terrible shock to you, I know. I hope you stood up for her visibly when your mother was interfering, because if not, that is a sure indication that you are not ready to be a husband and to hold your wife above all others and are still more loyal to your mother. I hope things get better for you soon. Try to just stay busy and not focus on it.

[SevenCity]

They say you don't really know someone until you break up with them. This girl showed she is selfish and cares more about her feelings than yours. She doesn't love you. If she did she would not leave you so take that for the BS it is.

 

On the bright side at least it didn't drag on for months of limbo and you didn't get a divorce.

 

Ps: I hope you got back the engagement ring. Legally you are entitled to it

[Sparta]

OP you don't even know how big of a bullet you just dodged. She did you the biggest favor and you will soon know this to be true after all those other feelings fade away... Use this as a learning experience that most likely they'll be more mistakes to overcome and that's just living life. Utilizes these experiences to build you character. Stay true to yourself to your morals and principles. Good luck

[Maldives]

Hello everyone,

 

My fiancée we're together a little over 2 years and she just ended things about 2 weeks ago. She's left me hurt and confused over everything.

 

Everything was going fine, she just started a new school program in the city at the beginning of May and I was starting my new program in the fall, everything was coming together for us.

 

I will mention that we had had a rocky couple months coming up to her starting this program. We were living with my parents to save money and she was butting heads with my mother over wedding stuff. We kept telling eachother we were going to be fine and we would stick together through everything. We started to look at apartments and eventually found one that she was excited about that we lined up to move in in August.

 

I noticed she started to act really unhappy once she started school, she insisted this program was incredible and was exactly what she wanted but she still seemed unhappy and off. When she was away in the city she would see off but when she was home and with me she seemed perfectly fine and totally like herself. She took care of most of the wedding planning and seemed excited about our future, would bring it up all the time. The drifting kept getting worse and worse while she was away until she got home one night and out of nowhere said she was having doubts. She said this program was making her reevaluate things and that she was changing and seeing her life go in a different direction. I was a bit confused because at this point she had only been in this program for 3 weeks. I chalked it up to cold feet but I still felt like there was something she wasn't telling me. The next day I managed to get it out of her that she was having feelings for someone else in her program. I wasn't sure how to feel because again, it had only been 3 weeks so how intense could these feelings be.

 

The next day I told her I wanted to go a few days NC to get our heads on straight because I was hurt and confused. We went the Sunday to Thursday and met up. I told her we could postpone the wedding and we didn't even need to move in together if that's what she wanted, we could start fresh. She broke it off anyways and said she just felt happier in the city without me and that she just wants to go in a different direction.

 

So we decided to separate our stuff together a couple days later but I changed my mind and told her I'd just do it and leave it in the garage because I didn't want to see her. She got really upset with me that I didn't want to see her and called me hostile and wondered what changed from our breakup talk a couple days earlier (we were really civil). I just told her I was heartbroken and I couldn't see her. The next 24 hours she kept messaging me asking why I was being so hostile and cold, she also asked if her stuff was going to be thrown all over the lawn which was insulting. She came to her her stuff and messaged me saying she wished she could hug me goodbye. I decided to go out and say goodbye. I was surprised because I was the strong one and she was the one who broke down. She asked if she'd ever see me again and asked why I'd been so cold. I just told her no and that this is what happens in a breakup, we can't just be friends. She then told me she loved me and grabbed me and hugged me so tight. I didn't tell her I loved her back, I just couldn't.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has any opinions on what's going on in her head to end a 2 year, solid relationship after 3 weeks in a new school program?. Also why she was acting so bizarre when it came to our final goodbye?

 

I'm still so confused and my head is still spinning from this roller coaster ride. We haven't talked in a little over a week and this new life just feels strange and foreign.

 

I just want to really point out something to u that has become very apparent in my own experiences...that part about u throwing her clothes out u know well and true it's bs she saYing that manipulate the situation she wants u to remain civil only for her benifit. Wat do i m3an by this?

 

It's her way of feeling less guilty for hurting u. Please please try and remember this in ur moments of weakness. It's not to get bac wth u.

 

Please do ureself a favour and let her go for good. She's likely to do it again if this other guy doesn't work out. The only reason they come back is because they realise after som failed revelationships how hard it is to replace something real and genuine.

Having sold all that she has a right to be on her own just as u hav a right for nc block her on everything Inc ur no.

 

The like look of her doing this has just increased because she has already broken it off. Plus I think if u ever accepted her back the trust is gone. U will have trust issues now which will cause a whole set of new problems and issues.

Please listen to breakup boost...u can even email Trina she's got really good practical advice about breakups she's helped me quiet a lot and response to emails. Listen to her podcasts there not too long either each podcast is no more than 20 mins in length and on various topics about splitting up it'll help going thru this. Try and be strong.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Jsos91]

Yeah I understand about the age and everything. She's 24 and I'm 25. She already did her undergrad and has her masters. That's why I thought she was ready, she hasn't sheltered herself from experiences or growth. She genuinely seemed ready to settle down.. that's why this is all a shock to me. There weren't any blatant red flags or anything. I am starting to get the feeling that I did dodge a bullet though. The way she ended things and her reasons are coming from someone that I don't even really know anymore and I don't like this new version of her.

[springy]

I'm sorry this happened to you. These posts will probably not bring much comfort right now, but it is true that it's better this happened now than later. Be prepared for her to manipulate and try to guilt you for not staying in touch with her. To blow up your phone, to want to stay friends (and try to make you feel guilty for not complying), to try to make you look like the bad guy, to get angry when she doesn't get her way. All of these things will make you think she wants you back, that she's sorry. Don't fall for it. If you look around here these strange behaviors are a common occurrence. It leads many of the broken hearted to believe they have a chance to reconcile. In these instances oftentimes the dumper just strings them along as long as they are willing to accept the breadcrumbs.

 

She wants her cake and eat it too, and knows that this will tarnish her image with your friends and family. If you stay in touch she gets to slowly wean herself from you and make it look like she's not so bad for breaking your heart.

 

Stay strong. Don't let the guilt trips or tears or whatever else she tries to throw your way sway you. She has dumped you for an uncertain future and she knows that; but she wants you to stick around to be her emotional comfort. She has made her bed. Let her lay in it - without you.

[anduina]

Yeah I understand about the age and everything. She's 24 and I'm 25. She already did her undergrad and has her masters. That's why I thought she was ready, she hasn't sheltered herself from experiences or growth. She genuinely seemed ready to settle down.. that's why this is all a shock to me. There weren't any blatant red flags or anything. I am starting to get the feeling that I did dodge a bullet though. The way she ended things and her reasons are coming from someone that I don't even really know anymore and I don't like this new version of her.

You did dodge a silver bullet. It sounds like she buckled under pressure from the wedding and at the first opportunity when she tasted some freedom, ran to another man.

 

It's better that it happened now before the wedding and not in the future, leaving you holding a baby and a mortgage you can't afford on your own.

[Tiga]

Wow,

 

Mine ended things 3 months before after being together for almost 6 years. He is 34 and I am 27. His was due to parents influence but regrdless it was still him who pulled the trigger.

 

I know exactly how you feel. You feel like you do not know who this person is, and you are hurt. How can someone do something like that to someone they love? It does not make sense. At least your gf is a lot younger so maybe her age plays a role but you don't play with someone's heart like that.

 

You know the best thing you can do is no contact, thats what I am doing. She made the decision and she will have to live with it, you move on because she showed you her true colors.

 

We can't change people, we can only learn from them. As much as it hiurts look at your pain in the face and feel it. After that it gets better, talk to people everyone will tell you if someone is crazy enough to leave you they are not worth your time and energyz

 

Please stay strong, you deserve better. It's all a prt of a plan, have faith and force yourself to be positive.

 

Best wishes,

 

Dont let this make you not believe in love. There is someone out there who wont break under pressure.

[Miss Peach]

I disagree with some of the posters. Someone can love someone but realize the situation isn't right for them. It doesn't mean it's easy to break up with someone.

 

Having said that, a lot of the comments, texts, wanting a hug, etc. was probably more her ego talking and wondering why you weren't doing anything to stop her IMO.

[SevenCity]

I disagree with some of the posters. Someone can love someone but realize the situation isn't right for them. It doesn't mean it's easy to break up with someone.

 

Having said that, a lot of the comments, texts, wanting a hug, etc. was probably more her ego talking and wondering why you weren't doing anything to stop her IMO.

 

I STRONGLY disagree with this. If you can leave someone you don't love them.

 

My ex said she loved me when leaving after 7 years. I responded with "You love your cats. Would you leave one on the side of the road?"

 

If you are truly in love with someone you won't leave. She was saying it to make herself feel better (in the OPs case and mine). It's because they fell out of love they left.

[Tiga]

^^^^^ I agree, you don't leaves someone you love. True love has no logic or "situation". It goes through all obstacles and it does not allow anything to break your relationship apart.

 

Something changes in the dumpee, eaither perception that masks the love feeling, or they completely dont love you.

 

Thoughts are powerful, they ignite our feelings. If a person drwas their attention to think a different way about someone they love then their feelings change too. Because thoughts are feelings.

 

Her thoughts changed, which caused her feelings to change. She wasn't mature or strong to realize that. She maybe does love tou but dis not feel it when shw left because her true feelings are masked by something else.

 

I believe a person that knows this does not allow negative or unusual thoughts to creep up on them and invade them. Because that is what ruins relationships. Also the ego, her ego is trying to justify her actions. Ego is self made, it is not you.

 

Watch your thoughts you will see. Only think positive and watch tour negative thoughts, but dont engage or judge them let them pass.

 

This has helped me tremendously.

[Superchicken]

I am starting to get the feeling that I did dodge a bullet though. The way she ended things and her reasons are coming from someone that I don't even really know anymore and I don't like this new version of her.

 

Superman couldn't have dogged it any better.

You are fortunate to find out before you tightened the noose, I mean knot..

 

 

This person, would have strayed in your relationship for sure.

Heck, she fell in love for someone else.. Feelings my ass !.

Feelings is when you get hungry, or hurt.. Thoughts of love, is flaming Cheating to me .

 

 

Grab you mates, and go into town, and rage at a bar, or night club.

Do it while your still young, as you shouldn't be looking at marriage unless your really tired of the single life..

You know, having fun with your mates. Staying out late without reporting to someone, no arguing if you forget to do something, not having to apologise for your mistakes, not having to listen to complaints, and so forth.

If you get tired of all that, then, yep, get married.

 

 

Ted.