alex1030 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I've got a brewing family debacle. I found a man with two boys and I have two boys. Six months later, we moved in together. WE are both divorced and our boys ages 9-12 have been inseparable. My bf who is former military and he is a drill sergeant and runs our new household as such, which is a welcomed structure because my kids need discipline. I asked my boys if they are ok and I ask them continually and they are ok with things even though my boyfriend is Mr. Strict. My family (mom dad and brother) are not too thrilled with my latest choices...and it's putting me in a pickle. My family has no clue what "blended" family is and what it entails. To date, our exes are supportive of us and our children are happy to have a "family." My boyfriend was laid off in March and all he does is take care of 4 boys. I feel like I can go to work and boys are being taken care of. When I get family invites to functions, I feel horrible for even thinking of declining on account that my "new family" is not invited. I know it's a hard sale to invite three new folks but it would break my heart to leave bf and the other two boys behind especially on the weekend. His family has invited us to events and they have welcomed my boys without hesitation. I feel like i'm being made to pick between two factions. I know that Aaron is hard to get to know because he's quiet and the few times he does speak he's a hard head with boys . How do I proceed>?
MJJean Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I simply declined to attend events my then BF/now DH wasn't invited to. I explained that he was my family now and we were a package deal. If he wasn't welcome, I wouldn't go. We could always do something fun on our own with the kids that day. I also explained quite clearly that my kids were my kids and how I raised them was not up for debate. 3
Author alex1030 Posted June 13, 2017 Author Posted June 13, 2017 I simply declined to attend events my then BF/now DH wasn't invited to. I explained that he was my family now and we were a package deal. If he wasn't welcome, I wouldn't go. We could always do something fun on our own with the kids that day. I also explained quite clearly that my kids were my kids and how I raised them was not up for debate. Good for you! No one really understands your position until they themselves have walked in YOUR shoes. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Congratulations on making it work so well for your families. It sounds like everyone is flourishing. So, screw what everyone else thinks .
Whodatdog Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 You dont have to choose. You have already chosen. Your boyfriend and his children are now your family, and they will, and rightly should, always come first. Support him over your mom and dad. He will love and respect you for it more than you will know. 1
anika99 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Based on this thread and your other thread I can certainly understand your family's concern. You have only known this guy since October and now he's unemployed, living with you and running your kids lives like a drill seargent. I'm sorry but I find it incredibly careless of you as a mother to move a man you have only known 6 months into your house and then immediately put him in charge of your kids. That is not how blended families work. Sounds to me like you were struggling with childcare and discipline and so this unemployed ex military man was a quick fix. He doesn't speak unless it's to be hard headed with your boys and you think he still has a thing for his ex. I can totally see why your family has grave reservations. I guess if you want them to get to know him and accept him you need to invite them over to spend time with him but I don't know how that will work since he doesn't like talking. 2
SoleMate Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Your mom, dad, and brother are way out of line to attempt to demand you visit them without your new family members. I know it's a hard sale to invite three new folks... I disagree. Every family I know, including the dysfunctional ones, understands that family is family. It's ridiculous to exclude members of your household. How about you throw a family get-together at your place and invite mom and dad? Build some bridges instead of allowing their silly exclusion to become institutionalized.
anika99 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Also I see that this guy is still actually married. You have put the cart way before the horse on this one and its your children that will get hurt the most. Move the guy out, spend more time slowly bringing your families together and he can get a divorce before he moves back in. Make other arrangements for childcare. Boyfriends are not babysitters. 1
Author alex1030 Posted June 13, 2017 Author Posted June 13, 2017 So yes we moved fast, and now he's divorced and we get a long with his ex (surprsingly)and I understand the concern. Bottom line: he's not moving out and all 4 parents are actively involved in the disciplining and the childcare involved in this brood. . These are the key players in "my family" now, I was not prepared at all to 'manage' my family's resentment after all I've gone through to find someone like him who is there for me and steps up to parent two additional kids, he didn't have to nor need to but we're doing it together...just wished it wasn't so disruptive.
Author alex1030 Posted June 13, 2017 Author Posted June 13, 2017 Your mom, dad, and brother are way out of line to attempt to demand you visit them without your new family members. I disagree. Every family I know, including the dysfunctional ones, understands that family is family. It's ridiculous to exclude members of your household. How about you throw a family get-together at your place and invite mom and dad? Build some bridges instead of allowing their silly exclusion to become institutionalized. I have had two gatherings already and they all came to my place and my family simply does not gel with the new dynamics. My mom however loves his boys and she brings gifts for them too. I don't know if it's cultural because he's white and not Catholic. My parents dropped in last night and we had a nice chat. My dad resonates with him because he's been on me to discipline the boys for years because their dad lets them get away with anything. The side conversations that they have with my brother we are not privy to...basically because he's military he's also PTSD and may crack...but I just don't see any evidence of a PTSD element.
Blanco Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Six months seems really quickly to blend families. How much of a factor was him being laid off in deciding to do this so soon? I agree that when it comes to a blended family, it's a package deal, and others just need to accept it. However, trying to be unbiased, I can't say that your family's concern is totally unfounded. This man is very recently divorced, and whether or not the two are related, you moved in together soon after he lost his income. It's important to remember that, generally speaking, our friends and families just want what's best for us, and they mean no ill intent when they throw some cold water on situations we are too immersed in to see objectively. 1
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 . The side conversations that they have with my brother we are not privy to...basically because he's military he's also PTSD and may crack...but I just don't see any evidence of a PTSD element. Is it your brother or your bf who has PTSD? I am guessing your bf but I could be wrong.
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