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I broke up with girl I was seeing and am overwhelmed with guilt and sadness

trevjim

By trevjim
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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trevjim Member

trevjim

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I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. On paper she is perfect for me, ill spare the details but she pretty much ticked everybox. There first 2 or 3 dates I really liked her, then things started to tail off from my point of view, on the flip side I felt she was getting more emotionally invested with each date.

 

For the past 2 weeks ive been having doubts about it working out, but didnt want to end it just then because as i said there is alot i liked about her and i wanted to give it more time to work, she is incredibly kind and generous, has a massive heart and is pretty much want i want in a girl....on paper.

 

But my heart just wouldnt budge, i really wanted to like her, but towards the end each date became like a chore. I also didnt have as much physical attraction for her as i would typically like. There was a couple of things i didnt like about her, nothing major or any red flags, just a few quirks.

 

I ended it in the best way i could, sat her down, was honest without being mean and left it at that. She took it well enough but i know she is upset, and it came as a shock to her as I had came over to her place to spend the next few days together, which I genuinely planned too but i just couldnt bottle in my feelings anymore. I also didnt want to have sex with her again as i felt that would be wrong considering my doubts about us.

 

The trouble is im riddled with guilt, sadness and a tinge of regret. I feel awful that i could make someone so kind feel so bad. Her face literally went from a huge smile thinking about spending the next couple of days together to one of devastation and shock.

 

Is it normal to feel this bad after 'dumping'?

24 hours on im having quite alot of regret, she is just such a wondeful girl and im scared ive made the wrong decision.

 

TL;DR; ended it with an amazing and kind girl i was seeing and feel terrible about it, Please tell me im not a bad person :(

Rko28 Established Member

Rko28

Posted
Posted

Are you having doubts that you've done the right thing?

Was there no temptation to perhaps tell her and work it out?

 

I'm asking this as I'm in her boat at the minute and interested to see what the other side think.

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trevjim Member

trevjim

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I am having doubts i have done the right thing as there is alot i like about her. Im just not sure i like her enough. I wanted to give it more time but she was talking about things in the future for us and taking it a bit too fast for me, which kinda forced my hand.

 

In hindsight i should of perhaps talked about taking things slower but as i had doubts anyway i ended it.

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Rko28 Established Member

Rko28

Posted
Posted

Have you heard anything off her or checked in to see how she is? Did she have literally no idea it was coming?

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted
I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. On paper she is perfect for me, ill spare the details but she pretty much ticked everybox. There first 2 or 3 dates I really liked her, then things started to tail off from my point of view, on the flip side I felt she was getting more emotionally invested with each date.

 

For the past 2 weeks ive been having doubts about it working out, but didnt want to end it just then because as i said there is alot i liked about her and i wanted to give it more time to work, she is incredibly kind and generous, has a massive heart and is pretty much want i want in a girl....on paper.

 

But my heart just wouldnt budge, i really wanted to like her, but towards the end each date became like a chore. I also didnt have as much physical attraction for her as i would typically like. There was a couple of things i didnt like about her, nothing major or any red flags, just a few quirks.

 

I ended it in the best way i could, sat her down, was honest without being mean and left it at that. She took it well enough but i know she is upset, and it came as a shock to her as I had came over to her place to spend the next few days together, which I genuinely planned too but i just couldnt bottle in my feelings anymore. I also didnt want to have sex with her again as i felt that would be wrong considering my doubts about us.

 

The trouble is im riddled with guilt, sadness and a tinge of regret. I feel awful that i could make someone so kind feel so bad. Her face literally went from a huge smile thinking about spending the next couple of days together to one of devastation and shock.

 

Is it normal to feel this bad after 'dumping'?

24 hours on im having quite alot of regret, she is just such a wondeful girl and im scared ive made the wrong decision.

 

TL;DR; ended it with an amazing and kind girl i was seeing and feel terrible about it, Please tell me im not a bad person :(

U just need to remind ureself why ended it. U ended for a reason so stick to it. It sounds like it was maybe the Attraction? I been there went wth a really nice girl but the attraction just kinda wasn't there and ended if aftrr 2 mths

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Dating is not about sticking around just so that you do not hurt other people.

Dating is about finding someone who is compatible with you. Someone who ticks most of your boxes and who you can envisage living with for a long time and it is all easy and comfortable and fun.

 

After only two months when you should have been head over heels and when you should have had difficulty keeping your hands off her, you were thinking it was all getting to be a bit of a chore.

 

She was an "almost", she ticked a few of your boxes but your heart wasn't in it.

You did the right thing.

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trevjim Member

trevjim

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Have you heard anything off her or checked in to see how she is? Did she have literally no idea it was coming?

 

 

She sent a couple of texts saying she is confused and why, to which i just reinforced what i originally said. I havnt checked in with her, as much as i want to i dont think its fair to contact her.

 

This is the worst part for me, she literally had no idea, we had spent the evening together, and planned to go to a theme park the next day, she was just getting into bed with a huge smile as she was so excited about going to it with me, she was like a kid who is about to go to Disneyland. When i told her i need to talk her face dropped. It was awful, im in alot of emotional pain over the timing

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Yeah, your timing indeed sucked, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You did the right thing.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Did you think she was going to be happy that you dumped her?

 

 

Yes, it's natural to feel bad after being the source of pain to another person, especially if that person is a nice person. You are a good person. You feel badly that you hurt her. That doesn't mean you should have continued the relationship when you weren't feeling it. You basically had 2 choices: stick around & lie to her or do what you did & end things. You picked the lesser of 2 evils. Give yourself a break.

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Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

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A relationship is not like buying a car. 4 tires, check. Color blue, check. 4 wheel drive, check.

 

A person can check all the boxes of what you want, but if that strong emotional bond and physical attraction isnt there, its not a relationship. You can't force yourself to feel those things. You did well to break it off when you did, waiting any further would have just made it harder on that girl.

 

You cant force it. If its not there, its not there.

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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You were not feeling it. That's it. She might realize as well that it wasn't going to work.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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It sounds like you just weren't attracted enough and that is not something you can help. If you were feeling like it was a chore, then she would not have wanted you to force yourself anyway.

 

It is a pity you could not have expressed some doubts sooner, but I do know how that can happen. The mind whirrs and tries to make sense of feelings, while going along with things. It is sad that she was hurt.

 

I think it is fair for you to say to her that you were having doubts and to apologise for suddenly springing it on her. Do not give her a list of her faults, just say she's a great person but you were not feeling what you should have been. She will want answers and at least you would be giving her something. She will still hurt regardless. Going total no contact at such a point can be even more hurtful and seem as if you are cold. From what you've said, you are a caring person so be true to yourself and respond as a kind person would. Do not get back together with her though or give her any impression the relationship can be revived; that would be unfair.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
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Dating for a relationship is a process, not an event. It is a process of objective evaluation and coming to a decision when you have enough to push you to a decision. At two months, if she's allowed herself to become so attached as to be "devastated", she didn't manage her expectations and emotions well enough.

 

she is just such a wondeful girl -- she can be a truly wonderful woman and still not be a good match for you.

 

i really wanted to like her, but towards the end each date became like a chore. I also didnt have as much physical attraction for her as i would typically like -- Imagine feeling like this for a few more months . . .

 

im scared ive made the wrong decision -- Your decision is your decision. Don't second guess yourself out of guilt and/or wanting to manage her. She's a grown woman, she needs to manage things for herself. You were honest with her and you didn't use her or string her along when you realized she just wasn't "doing it" for you. That's all we can ask of dating partners. Go forth in good conscience.

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

Posted
Posted

It was the kindest thing you could have done, and you did it as soon as, or shortly after, you knew you didn't want to pursue things further.

 

And good for you for not sleeping with her one last time. No one wants to be a pity f*ck.

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trevjim Member

trevjim

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Thank you everyone for your replys. I feel i have made the right decision, I just worry ive let an awesome girl go.

 

We have sent a few texts back and forth today, no hostilitly just clearing a few things up, she is very confused as she felt everything was going well.

 

Im sad naturally and but im really struggling to get the image of her face when i told her out my mind. She looked as if she was the happiest she has been in a long time and just tore that all away in an instant, i know she is lonely too as her dog has been foresterd temporarily as her current property doesnt allow pets, so ive just added another upset for her. Even though i had the right intentions, the image of her face showing the hurt will forever haunt me.

 

I want to be there to comfort her, even say lets give it another go just to appease her pain but i know that would be wrong and perhaps selfish.

 

Ive noticed in the past i probably have a bit of the 'knight in shining armour' in me so i think that isnt helping me think straight.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

 

Ive noticed in the past i probably have a bit of the 'knight in shining armour' in me so i think that isnt helping me think straight.

 

I think that's playing into it here. You are going to have to accept that you can't fix this for her. And she WILL be alright and will move on and meet someone else.

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trevjim Member

trevjim

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Thank you. Thats all i want for her right now is to be ok. She is goint through alot and ive just added to it

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kortz Established Member

kortz

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Posted (edited)

Just my two cents on this.

 

I once dated a girl and was in exactly your position about how I felt. She was great on paper and we had good chemistry, but there was just a lack of a spark or that inner feeling for me however I made the mistake of carrying on with her for several months because I knew she was good and at the time I didn't have much else going on so thought why not. I enjoyed spending time with her but I didn't love it and that wasn't changing. Eventually this came through by my lack of emotional investment into the relationship, she could tell, and we split up and she was pretty devastated by it all and I was left feeling glad it was over and wondering why I left it so long. It wasn't the right thing to do because I hurt a lovely person and could have spared her a lot of that pain. She was still hung up about it several months later as she reached out to me and then a few drunken phone calls followed and she didn't seem in a good place. She's ok now.

 

I do look back on it and wonder why I never truly felt for her because I do still think she was great (on paper), but I wouldn't go back because I sort of know deep down if I didn't feel it then I won't feel it now.

 

You did the right thing and she'll be ok. It would have been much worse to carry on just for the sake of it.

Edited by kortz
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trevjim Member

trevjim

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Just my two cents on this.

 

I once dated a girl and was in exactly your position about how I felt. She was great on paper and we had good chemistry, but there was just a lack of a spark or that inner feeling for me however I made the mistake of carrying on with her for several months because I knew she was good and at the time I didn't have much else going on so thought why not. I enjoyed spending time with her but I didn't love it and that wasn't changing. Eventually this came through by my lack of emotional investment into the relationship, she could tell, and we split up and she was pretty devastated by it all and I was left feeling glad it was over and wondering why I left it so long. It wasn't the right thing to do because I hurt a lovely person and could have spared her a lot of that pain. She was still hung up about it several months later as she reached out to me and then a few drunken phone calls followed and she didn't seem in a good place. She's ok now.

 

I do look back on it and wonder why I never truly felt for her because I do still think she was great (on paper), but I wouldn't go back because I sort of know deep down if I didn't feel it then I won't feel it now.

 

You did the right thing and she'll be ok. It would have been much worse to carry on just for the sake of it.

 

Thank you for sharing that, its actually made things alot clearer for me.

 

Having been on both sides ive always said id rather be dumped then be the dumper, its horrible.

 

I really hope she finds someone who shares how she feels

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