loveloss Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I was working abroad where I met this guy in our office and during the period of 6 weeks we grew really close. We spent almost every minute together, sneaking moments to chat in the office, finding time to meet after work (ditching other colleagues), sitting on a mountain watching sunset, spending every night until 3-4 am together in the city, until all the bars close, until there is nowhere to spend time, until our eye lids become so heavy from tiredness, then going back to sleep for 2-3 hours before work - separately to our hotel rooms. It was amazing few weeks of that kind of dating, very platonic, very unoficial, it was so natural and so mutual, but we always knew we won't be able to be together due to multiple social/family/distance reasons. I never tried to pursue this guy on purpose, I never thought too much about the 'what if we could be together'. I always knew that we can't. He always knew we can't be together too, but he showed me attention, which was subtle but warm and I enjoyed it like a forbiden fruit. And on the last week or so it became physical. I couldn't resist his cues for wanting to hold my hand. I couldn't resist him asking to let him kiss my forehead. And after that... all the passionate kisses and all the way further. Step by step, lowering the bar every day, without even planning to ever go that far... We declared our love to each other and it was beautiful. I knew we only had a few days left, but all I wanted was to live in a moment. Just to love him and let him love me too. We slept together by then - if you can call it sleep. We would eat, have a drink, talk, have sex, talk more, cuddle. I felt so young again, like a girl who is in love for the first time. Where you are su pure and naive - where you believe that love is enough to battle anything. We separated devastated, but with a tiny hope that this could somehow work out. That somehow we will still find a way to be together. And the first few days or weeks on a phone seemed like we were almost normal, almost like we were still in love. Almost like we were still believing that this will somehow work out. He was telling me his plans to make 'us' work in real world and I loved him for his optimism and courage. He never asked what I will do to make it work - it surely had to be done from both sides. Hence I started feeling that his 'plans' to make it work were not real.. that he didn't really think of the ways to make it work. If we spoke about possibility of us being together, he would point out that he needs me as 'someone like him' would struggle to find someone who would be as loving/affectionate as I am. He didn't really say anymore that he wanted to be with me cause he loved me. So I started feeling like I was 'better than nothing' kind of option for him. Don't get me wrong - he would still contact me regularly and we would have a great time talking, but it started feeling like 'crumbs' - I longed his full attention, but I knew he doesn't long for me as much anymore. I pointed out that our relationship got cold. He sort of resisted saying that I am wrong, but I just knew that I wasn't. We agreed to still keep in touch, but only as friends - no romantic talk. As we stayed 'friends', I still kept texting him daily. And he would text back. Sometimes it would be nice, but he would disappear without saying anything, which hurt me. I tried disappearing for days too - to see if he would miss me. And sometimes he would actually show me more attention after a few days of NC. But then he would go back to texting me back whenever he felt like it. I knew this will keep hurting me if I continue speaking to him. The highs when I get his message, and the lows when he disappears without responding to me. Constant need to check my phone to be disappointed again that he didn't text me. Constant urge to text him myself. By now, the calls stopped all together. I told him today that it was all over. That I can't stay friends with him. And this time I meant it - I deleted his number, so I can't go back to him. And changed my number, so he can't contact me. I am so sad and broken and lonely. I just keep thinking of the times we had together while abroad and how nice it was. How perfect it felt and how much I wish it never ended. I then worry that maybe I was wrong ending it with him, I wish I could still text him. It is just so hard and I can't stop crying. He may no longer care, but I have really loved him.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Oh honey. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks when love doesn't conquer all. That said, as time passes & the acute pain subsides someday you will look back on this as your glorious romantic adventure when you were young. Self soothe for now. Cry for what you lost but pull yourself together. 1
preraph Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 There are people in life who you can love but for different reasons you can't be with. Being long distance is one. Having conflicting life-styles or habits is another. To be with someone, though, you need to be where they are a good deal of the time. Otherwise, you are really not continuing to get to know them and just hit the wall.
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