Blobfather Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Hi all, I have a problem and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. Basically I have a problem of getting too attached to women. It only seems to be a problem with those women that I like or feel I have a lot in common with (I don't get attached to every women that shows interest). I feel this is turning those women I do like off, as the women I don't like usually tend to want to take things further. I do my best to hide my eagerness but maybe it still shows through. When I get rejected by the women that I do like it makes me feel pretty down, which I know is stupid as I hardly know them. I have tried dating multiple women at a time, but I tend to lose focus on them and end up only being able to focus on the one I really like. It really annoys as after a few days of feeling sad I see the light and realise how silly I have behaved. Is there any tips on not getting too attached? I primarily use online dating..
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Rejection is never fun. Do try to keep a better hold on your heart & don't think too far into the future. For the first few dates, don't think about more than the next date. After the first month you can start to think about the next week. After a few months, you can think about the next month. Seriously when I was dating if I met a guy now, mid June, I wouldn't even let myself think about whether I had a date for the Fourth of July, let alone whether we'd be getting matching Halloween costumes. Keep it to baby steps to guard your heart. 1
henderson14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Online dating is rough in general and leads to a lot of let downs. I would either give up online dating or just let yourself get used to it.
kendahke Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 After having just gone through letting a guy down who really liked me, I would say the biggest thing is to give them space, both physically and mentally. Don't crowd them because it makes you come off as desperate and that's not attractive. The guy I just met was a freakin' octopus. He wanted to constantly hold my hand, sit next to me, have his hand on my arm, on my back. It was just too much and it was a complete turn off. I'd just met him and he was all touchy-feely. I swear, if he could have crawled into my skin and inhabited my body with me, he'd be happy as a hog in slop. While I enjoy physical contact and PDA, not with someone I've known only for 24 hours. He told me he drove past my job and thought about coming inside to surprise me (he drives for a living). That was too much and I had to shut him down. This guy was in his late 50's, too, so it's not like he was 20 something and a newby at relationships. I don't have time to train a grow man on how to act when he meets someone he ends up really liking---some things should be learned by at least 30 yrs of age.
Maggie4 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 You don't have a problem. The women you liked did not reject you because you showed interest. They rejected you because the women you like, many other men also like. Just know that you have good taste, and you never lose by being open and honest. 1
The Urbanyst Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Learn to live in the moment and enjoy yourself. Insecurity is a major turn off to women. There is no way around it. You need to find hobbies, friends and other things you care about more than being with a woman. Then you will do a lot better. Also, if you are getting attached to women you barely know, you should ask yourself what exactly you are attached to. If you barely know them, there is nothing to be attached to. So you are likely just insecure.
SevenCity Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 You don't have a problem. The women you liked did not reject you because you showed interest. They rejected you because the women you like, many other men also like. Just know that you have good taste, and you never lose by being open and honest. There's a reason why women prefer diamonds over rocks. They are not easy to come by. Being over eager will work fine if a woman has a higher interest level than you. However, when a woman is good looking and had more options, they tend to wonder more about the guy who is not chasing them and blowing up their phone. They hold more value for things / people for which they had to put in work. Just the fact that the op is having the women chase him that he doesn't like, and is turning off the women that he does like, is perfect evidence of this. Treat them all the same. Don't be a jerk, but treat the ones you do like just like the ones you don't and watch your success increase. It's easier said than done but what you are doing now is not working so it's time to change things up.
Maggie4 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Just the fact that the op is having the women chase him that he doesn't like, and is turning off the women that he does like, is perfect evidence of this. No, you are drawing a causal relation between the two events. The events may be correlated, but not causal. That's why it's not evidence. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Hi all, I have a problem and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. Basically I have a problem of getting too attached to women. It only seems to be a problem with those women that I like or feel I have a lot in common with (I don't get attached to every women that shows interest). I feel this is turning those women I do like off, as the women I don't like usually tend to want to take things further. I do my best to hide my eagerness but maybe it still shows through. When I get rejected by the women that I do like it makes me feel pretty down, which I know is stupid as I hardly know them. I have tried dating multiple women at a time, but I tend to lose focus on them and end up only being able to focus on the one I really like. It really annoys as after a few days of feeling sad I see the light and realise how silly I have behaved. Is there any tips on not getting too attached? I primarily use online dating.. If you are getting attached early in the dating scenario, you need to remind yourself that it's really not likely to be about "her". It's probably more about the idea, the vision, the hope that your dating journey will be satisfied once and for all. You need to remain objective for quite a while. Just have fun and enjoy the time spent with each of them without having those expectations so soon.
Maggie4 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 If you feign disinterest to attract someone, wouldn't they simply leave you as soon as they have you? What would be the point?
henderson14 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 After having just gone through letting a guy down who really liked me, I would say the biggest thing is to give them space, both physically and mentally. Don't crowd them because it makes you come off as desperate and that's not attractive. The guy I just met was a freakin' octopus. He wanted to constantly hold my hand, sit next to me, have his hand on my arm, on my back. It was just too much and it was a complete turn off. I'd just met him and he was all touchy-feely. I swear, if he could have crawled into my skin and inhabited my body with me, he'd be happy as a hog in slop. While I enjoy physical contact and PDA, not with someone I've known only for 24 hours. He told me he drove past my job and thought about coming inside to surprise me (he drives for a living). That was too much and I had to shut him down. This guy was in his late 50's, too, so it's not like he was 20 something and a newby at relationships. I don't have time to train a grow man on how to act when he meets someone he ends up really liking---some things should be learned by at least 30 yrs of age. HAHA. Some guys just don't get it or learn from their mistakes. Its like they need coaches with them. Thats why they are on online dating.
SevenCity Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 If you feign disinterest to attract someone, wouldn't they simply leave you as soon as they have you? What would be the point? No one is saying not to show interest. By all means let them know you are interested. The problem a lot of guys have is they act TOO interested. Like calling her everyday, being desperate and coming off as creepy, trying to "lock her down" before she is ready. If you don't know any better it's easy to think this is what you are supposed to do as society and media has brainwashed us for decades convincing us this is how to get a woman. Instead, if you back off and let it be HER idea she is much more likely to respect and develop feelings for you. I've dated many women who would tell me guys didn't even give them a chance to breath. You don't ignore them or act like you don't care, but you live your life and let them come to you at their pace. A girl who had many options (i.e.: pretty) will have tons of guys blowing up her phone. Unless she is super interested she will get tired of it and think you will try to control her in a RL. When women go out on a date they rarely think "this guy is the one". Their feelings grow over time. It's easy to talk them right out of liking you because they have more options. Guys often are ready to start planning their future on a first date because she is hot.
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