Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail?

[anika99]

I hear this said a lot but the people I know that have been in affairs don't feel this was part of the dynamic any more than any other relationship.

 

Did I get giddy when we were planning to see one another? Sure. Just as one would be giddy on Tuesday for a Saturday date. It's normal to get excited.

This really hasn't gone away for us, either. We leave for a sunny vacation in a couple of weeks and we are constantly talking, texting, planning. It's GOOD to be excited!

 

I don't think that is what solely made the affair great, but I certainly think it is a small part of a loving relationship.

 

Nowhere in my post did I mention being giddy or excited about a date. I was talking about pain, drama, isolation, etc. While you may know plenty of people who haven't experienced the angst, uncertainty, and other painful longing feelings of being in an affair that hasn't been the case for me and it doesn't seem to be the case for a great deal of the posters on this site.

[anika99]

I do think relationships with artificial barriers pump up the drama higher and make the love chemicals more intensely addictive, but it's not only affairs that do it. A long-distance relationship can have a lot of the same effects... and can eventually burn out in the same way, if the people involved get just plain sick of the endless rollercoaster of pleasure and pain.

 

It keeps you locked in the limerence phase of attraction far longer than you would be if you just started dating someone openly.

 

Whether that actually has an effect on how things work out if you ever do move into a real relationship I'm not so sure, almost every relationship does have to deal with that transition out of the honeymoon period at some point

 

Oh I agree that long distance relationships also ramp up the chemistry and soul mates feelings. I think it's a problem when any relationship gets stuck for too long in the same phase and doesn't advance normally. Then again some people really prefer fantasy type relationships that don't ever become normal because they are more romantic and in some ways safer.

[freengreen]

Relationships break in all forms, in all circumstances.

 

I know a very good friend of mine fell in love with a married man, he was married for 2 months and his wife chose someone else too, basically the guys marriage was a mistake. Now my friend and him are married, have a kid, everthing fine.

 

'Once a cheater is NOT always a cheater' , we have many people here to vow to that here. Having said that, on one side we have people dont want to experience this immense pain and fear it by every cell... while others who have ended up with their APs might go 'oh well, I have jumped over this wall and landed unhurt, Could I do it again?'... it all depends on so many things and the person itself.

[DKT3]

I'm not sure the intent of this thread, but I would assume op is meaning. I'm thinking the intent is having given up so much, like time with kids and so on believing that this was your person. Then it fails. Affairs are not normal relationships largely they are escape fantasies. As such reality usually blows them up.

[aileD]

Some reasons COULD BE (not ARE so don't flame me lol)

 

- the intense feelings are due to limerence

-the intense feels escaberated by secrecy

-trust issues as both know the other is capable of cheating

-issues with family/friends and judgment

-issues with children of broken families

-guilt

-grass is greener syndrome

-jumping in too quick (seems like they're always talking marriage during affair and jump right in--why? Because it's a way to justify to others and themselves that it must have been worth it to leave because why would you leave for a relationship that may not last?)

-dynamic shifts. Lots of affairs between male boss and female coworker which have one dynamic but then when it's a real relationship and you're sharing your life the dynamic changes

-real life struggles

-it was an exit affair and the one exiting suddenly realizes they like freedom

-age gap issues. Lots of affairs have an older man and much younger woman which seems good at the time but in real life can't sustain the generational gap.

-extra financial stress due to alimony/ child support

- extra stress due to relationships with exes

-the fact that instead of fixing their own internal problems, the MM or MW chose to leave their marriage.....but they took those problems with them and they manifested in the new relationship too because they didn't work on themselves.

-the fact that divorce IS an option and they've already been through it once so they know what to expect

-the fact that just in general consecutive marriages have a higher fail rate.

[Arieswoman]

When married men wed mistresses, results are mixed at best, author says | Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

[aileD]

The. There this....a little bratty tone but some of the problems that could arise are legit

 

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/when-the-other-woman-becomes-the-wife/

[goodyblue]

The. There this....a little bratty tone but some of the problems that could arise are legit

 

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/when-the-other-woman-becomes-the-wife/

 

Oh my god. Just no.

[goodyblue]

When married men wed mistresses, results are mixed at best, author says | Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

 

It was nice to read this. My takeaway was that nobody even remembers these things, their lives went on at they are just fine (save Diana), and nobody gives a da"n.

 

The article below yours was just ridiculously extreme. You want to dissuade someone from being with an AP, I get it, but these stories just seem to do more harm than good.

 

People get married and move on. And I am totally serious when I say that I would never have another A and they are just hurtful. There is a better way. But t to be honest the repercussions long term have been... nothing. We are fine. Nobody cares so it all comes down to personal responsibility and the ability to grow, make better choices and not want to be in that situation again. That is the only thing that will stop a person, I am afraid.

[sophinla]

My brother moved out to live with the OW. Ruined his wife. Ruined his kids. He moved back home after 6 months. Told us there is no way he could make it work with the OW and maintain a good relationship with his kids. They hated her. Even if he leave his marriage, he said he wouldn't marry someone that comes with the cheating baggage.

 

BTW, while he was living with the OW, he had another online fling. Cliches are cliches for a reason.

Edited June 14, 2017 by sophinla

[jenkins95]

My brother moved out to live with the OW. Ruined his wife. Ruined his kids. He moved back home after 6 months. Told us there is no way he could make it work with the OW and maintain a good relationship with his kids. They hated her. Even if he leave his marriage, he said he wouldn't marry someone that comes with the cheating baggage.

 

BTW, while he was living with the OW, he had another online fling. Cliches are cliches for a reason.

 

Hi sophinla, thanks for sharing things. I hope your brother and his family and your whole wider family are getting over this OK.

 

Just curious as to the nature of his relationship with his wife and kids now? Did she welcome him back with open arms? While it's great that they kept the family all together, boy is that one big elephant in the room that they have to live with.

[jenkins95]

This is a good, interesting thread with balanced views. I think that all relationships fail at a pretty high rate (after all the divorce rate is over 40%), but affair relationships fail at an even higher rate because they are prone to all the same factors that "normal" relationships, plus a great many others.......aileD's list is a pretty good summary.

 

While it is difficult to know the authenticity of some of the stats that get posted around, marriage and divorce stats are pretty reliable because they are based on legal documents and data - and it is a well known fact that second marriages (many of which may have an affair element) fail at a significant higher rate than first marriages. With third marriages, the rate goes up again.

 

I was having a drink with my mother and some of her friends the other day. One friend has been married and divorced three times. She is now happily single. We got chatting about life and she says that, while she's now happy to be single, her life has been characterised by lots of hurt as disappointed and that her biggest regret is not working harder in her first marriage, which, with retrospect, she sees was her happiest time.

 

I took a lot from that.

[Arieswoman]

The Charles/Diana/Camilla story is what you get when people are forced to marry for the wrong reasons.

 

Charles was always in love with Camilla, but "the establishment" at the time said he couldn't marry her because she wasn't well-bred enough, and she'd had a "past".

 

Princess Margaret wasn't allowed to marry Flight Lieutenant Townsend because he was divorced.

 

Prince Andrew wasn't allowed to marry Koo Stark because the Queen probably couldn't countenance the idea of having a soft-porn actress as a daughter-in-law.

 

All those marriages bit the dust.

[jenkins95]

This is a good, interesting thread with balanced views. I think that all relationships fail at a pretty high rate (after all the divorce rate is over 40%), but affair relationships fail at an even higher rate because they are prone to all the same factors that "normal" relationships, plus a great many others.......aileD's list is a pretty good summary.

 

While it is difficult to know the authenticity of some of the stats that get posted around, marriage and divorce stats are pretty reliable because they are based on legal documents and data - and it is a well known fact that second marriages (many of which may have an affair element) fail at a significant higher rate than first marriages. With third marriages, the rate goes up again.

 

I was having a drink with my mother and some of her friends the other day. One friend has been married and divorced three times. She is now happily single. We got chatting about life and she says that, while she's now happy to be single, her life has been characterised by lots of hurt as disappointed and that her biggest regret is not working harder in her first marriage, which, with retrospect, she sees was her happiest time.

 

I took a lot from that.

 

Forgot to say, both the latter marriages of the lady I mentioned in the last paragraph started as affairs.

[Arieswoman]

To go back to your original question Lobouspro...

 

Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail?

 

It really depends on what you mean by "fail"?

 

Just because two people get together and stay together doesn't mean that the relationship is either working or happy.

 

When people get together following an affair they take all their baggage with them, including the reasons they cheated. They can no longer blame the BS for all the problems. Unless they do some stringent self-examination therapy/counselling, the problems in the first relationship could well arise again.

They need to address issues of conflict avoidance, their problem solving skills and ask why they failed to address what they saw as a problem/problems in the previous relationship.

 

Otherwise all they are getting is the same book with a different cover.

 

Some people just stay together because they have "settled" or as GB says

 

it all comes down to personal responsibility and the ability to grow, make better choices and not want to be in that situation again.

[mikeylo]

Trust.

 

How on earth either one of the partners going to have the trust that the other isn't doing the same stuff with someone new ? The hidden meetings, messages, phone calls, etc etc.?

 

Not only what they are doing while in your face but more so behind your back?

 

I guess the radar tends to go up the moment there is a slight 'blast from the past' kind of thing !

[Arieswoman]

mikeylo,

 

Trust.

 

How on earth either one of the partners going to have the trust that the other isn't doing the same stuff with someone new ? The hidden meetings, messages, phone calls, etc etc.?

 

Not only what they are doing while in your face but more so behind your back?

 

I agree, that's why I (as a BS) have never taken a cheater back ( I only had 2 cheat on me BTW, one WH and one BF)

[Redhead14]

So I have a friend (yes it really is a friend) having an affair with a co-worker who told him she asked her husband for a divorce. My friend has had the worse luck with women, and he's excited to finally meet someone but I'm afraid this could end bad

 

Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail? -- Because the two parties were broken before they entered into the affair and are still the same broken people when the "regular" relationship starts.

[Maddieandtae]

Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail? -- Because the two parties were broken before they entered into the affair and are still the same broken people when the "regular" relationship starts.

 

^^^This for me is exactly what I experienced. I wish I could like it more than once!

 

If we don't fix our broken selves any relationship we attempt will break as well. Affair or not.

[mikeylo]

mikeylo,

 

 

 

I agree, that's why I (as a BS) have never taken a cheater back ( I only had 2 cheat on me BTW, one WH and one BF)

 

2 times is a lot to withstand!

[goodyblue]

Why do affairs that eventually lead to regular relationships still fail? -- Because the two parties were broken before they entered into the affair and are still the same broken people when the "regular" relationship starts.

 

I Well I hope you didn't stay with the cheater in your life.

[sophinla]

Just curious as to the nature of his relationship with his wife and kids now? Did she welcome him back with open arms?.

 

 

Certainly not with open arms. Affairs happen for a reason. They both need to dig deep and be willing to do the work if they want to reconcile.

 

But family as a unit are usually very resilient. The familial bond is extremely hard to break even in the face of horrid betrayals. Sometimes it could even be a necessity to forgive the father or mother of your children.

 

There is a marriage counselor that used to always tell couples trying to reconcile, your first marriage is over, are you ready for your second one? IMO it's not about hoping everything will go back to how it was before, but rather on finding new ways to move on and live with each other.