We broke up, I got her back, but she changed

[YHKen]

Hi everyone,

 

So I and my gf were together for around half an year and then she broke up with me because she thought I did not commit enough and feel insecure. Then I won her back and promised I will change.

 

Before breakup she was very committed and do whatever I tell her to do.After we got back together again for around 2 months i began to notice some changes: I became the one who arranged all dates (before breakup she will propose dates too), and I got fed up because I believe both parties should do something. Last week she completely did not date me and then on Saturday she said "don't you realize we haven't met for whole week?" and I said "yeah you noticed that too huh?" And she even did not think of seeing me next week! We had a fight for this and she said bluntly "I am only available on Tuesday or Thursday".

 

She also became reluctant to do some things that she was willing to do before (e.g. go jogging with me), and she said she was not happy to do so, just she did not express explicitly before; she demanded more from me (e.g. she asked me to say goodnight and good morning every day - she said she and her ex-bf always did this but I NEVER had a gf who required me to do so); she became less supportive. Overall she became less enthusiastic.

 

I can think of several scenarios: (1) she is still taking time to recover to gain trust on me (2) she is taking advantage of the fact that I don't want to lose her, so she take this chance to demand as much as possible to make herself happy (3) she lost respect on me as I became too committed and care too much this time (4) she has no better options so keep me around and so she doesn't want to commit.

 

We had a fight last night, I yelled at her, she apologized for not offering to see me, but her tone was not very sincere. And I found that she checked whatsapp before our call ended - she was not paying attention to the call. She said basically two things: (1) she worried she can't meet my expectation (I've voiced out a few times and asked her to "contribute" more - things as trival as suggesting a restaurant for our dates can also help - she knows many great restaurants) and kept questioning herself about whether she suited me (2) she mentioned she was deeply hurt in the "first part" in the relationship. At one point she even said "Let's take a break". Today I reached out and we kinda back together.

 

I don't know if I should believe what she said. This is because she told me before she had multiple bfs in the same time when she was young, and she had a sex partner in a long-distance relationship, though she said she don't want to play around anymore and want to get serious. That kinda laid a seed of distrust in my heart, that made me reluctant to commit in the first part of our relationship and doubt what she said in the second.

 

Anyway, how should I deal with the "new" her? complying whatever she says?

Which scenario is the most possible one?

Should I tell myself just treat her like a new girl? What if I like the "old" her more?

How to handle the case of she lost respect on me? How to regain dominance in this relationship?

 

Help!

[Dru76]

It sounds to me like she's not all that into you anymore and has decided to give you a taste of your own medicine.

[jessiesgurl]

Just my personal opinion but when a couple breaks up and attempts a reconciliation, it’s NEVER the same.

 

That is why I don’t do it.

 

When you break up, something becomes lost (faith and trust), and it’s very difficult to get that back, no matter how strong your feelings for each other are.

 

It is for me anyway. One of my ex’s with whom I had a LTR attempted to get back together with me after many months, drug and alcohol rehab and getting himself and his life together.

 

I had missed him and thought about him for months, and was actually hoping for that day when he would contact me and tell me what he did.

 

I was actually happy to hear from him, but after thinking about it further, I realized it could never be the same, the TRUST was gone, and for me once trust is gone, like I said very difficult to get back, no matter how sorry, remorseful he/she is.

 

With your situation, when you agreed to “change” as part of your reconciliation, you compromised yourself, who you are as a man, right there. You didn’t wish to commit to her the first time, what changed your mind? What made you think it would be better the second time? Other than your "changing."

 

But you did, and now things appear to have become quite toxic. Your entire dynamic is different, the roles have been reversed, which doesn’t sound healthy or functional at all. At least not in your case.

 

Sorry, I just don’t see this ending well.

 

You’re not happy and my guess is SHE isn’t either, hence why she’s behaving the way she is.

 

I know it’s hard, and again jmo but I think it would be best to end it before your RL becomes even more toxic and destructive.

 

Best of luck though whatever you decide. Tough decision especially when they're still feelings there.

Edited June 12, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[Versacehottie]

It sounds to me like she's not all that into you anymore and has decided to give you a taste of your own medicine.

 

Yes to the bolded above. She has pulled back. Maybe permanently to have a different vibe in the relationship going forward or maybe as a test to see if YOU have changed. If she broke up because she felt you were not contributing equally in terms of being the boyfriend, then yeah this is a likely scenario of what it would look like the second time around. Sounds like she has one foot in, one foot out the door.

 

Now I'm just going to be honest. There's an underlying tone in your post where it sounds like you want a VERY traditional, almost antiquated relationship. Dominance????!!! That's a weird word to use. Maybe English isn't your first language? I'll just say that you can't be both "dominant" and lazy. Well you can but you might not get away with it for very long. You can't take the benefits of a more modern type relationship with wanting the extremely traditional vibe of an old-fashioned relationship. If we want to go all the way retro, what are you "providing" then? I just think you need to come to terms with the fact that in a different type of relationship, more to her liking, she might not be your type. If you blew it to have the old-fashioned type of relationship, these are her new conditions, in a way. In other words, she recognizes the dichotomy in both yourself and herself. You might have to learn to live with it if you want to keep dating her, or keep dating in your way. Good luck

[smackie9]

She doesn't want your commitment physically (going out jogging and crap), she wants you to be more committed emotionally. You even admit you have been reluctant to put your best foot forward and truly invest in this relationship. She knows this and is now reluctant herself if you are going to step up.

 

She wants you to pay more attention to her feelings, to be more emotionally connected, be more romantic, try to win her over by making her feel more appreciated. For now it's going to be more about her, not all about you.

[Aquaman83]

First Question, what is the age range you two are in?

 

"Before breakup she was very committed and do whatever I tell her to do." - no one likes being told what to do. Unless its bedroom talk.

 

After we got back together again for around 2 months i began to notice some changes. - How long was the break up?

 

I became the one who arranged all dates (before breakup she will propose dates too). At different points in relationships, one chases and one is being changed. It can change at either point.

-I am dating someone now, and I call her up and schedule a date. (I am ok with this, I am the male and I think I should chase) - It would be nice for her to ask, but you like her right? then why play waiting games? you want to see her? ask her out!

 

Wait a couple days after the date (2-3 days) then call her up saying you really loved seeing her the other night and would love to see her again.. Ask her when she is free.

 

If she reaches out to you, assume she wants to see you; ask her out. If she says she is busy, say no problem baby; when you are free to get together; give me a call. - When she reaches out assume she wants to see you.

 

 

Most important thing now, is stop fighting!

Stop e-Stalking her! STOP Looking at Whatsapp, Facebook, gchat, etc... You will only make yourself insane. You will freak out and you will blow up on her! And she may be 100% innocent! When you are looking for something, you will find something! -Doesn't mean its all bad.

 

Whatsapp - so what? How many times are you on the phone with someone you are talking to and you get a text? or fb message - do you ever respond?

 

I really hate the phone, I only txt/call - when I want to see someone. Other than that, I have zero time for chit chat. I call them up, I set a date. I make it happen.

 

The only thing I find odd about all this, What is she doing Fri night-Sunday? -DO NOT ASK HER! YOU WILL CAUSE FIGHTS!

 

 

--- Bottom Line,

 

I have seen this in my 20 + years of dating. This looks like this is not going to have the white picket fence ending... She sounds like she lost interest ( doesn't mean it cannot return ) and you are being too needy and starting fights with her to respark her interest.

 

I think this is a lost cause

[basil67]

When she took you back, she made a mental note to not let things be how they used to be. She will not give you the power to tell her what to do. She wants you to make more effort. She's not going to do things with you which she doesn't enjoy.

 

In short, she's starting out with you as she plans to continue. If you don't like her new expectations of you, then leave.

[d0nnivain]

She broke up with you because her needs were not being met. You cajoled her into coming back & promised to change. Now here you are complaining that things are not the same. That was the point. She wanted you to put in more effort.

 

 

Yes, when you ask her to pick a restaurant she should do so but that is incumbent upon you asking her to dinner.

 

 

She is tired of putting her life on hold for you.

 

 

At this point, I think the break up did more damage than you realize. It's like a broken plate. All the crazy glue in the world doesn't dissolve the cracks.

 

 

Perhaps it's time for both of you to move on.

[Aquaman83]

At this point, I think the break up did more damage than you realize. It's like a broken plate. All the crazy glue in the world doesn't dissolve the cracks.

- Unless the breakup was 3+ years agos ago and you just got back together. Relationships like this 9/10 really don't work.

 

Eminem - Space Bound Quote:

"I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you i get the shakes

My body aches, when i ain't with you i have zero strength

there's no limit on how far i would go, no boundaries, no lengths

Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks

gonna be that one, then once we get them it's never the same

you want them when they don't want you, soon as they do feelings change"

 

- I kept hearing this song play when I was reading this post. I think in some way it can apply to you. I am sure this woman is an amazing young woman. I am sure you are an amazing young lad..... Just because you had a good past or a good relationship; doesn't mean that she\he will feel the same way.

 

Usually when break ups happen, it all boils down to communication. Millennials are horrible with this. You didn't do enough for her when you were together. As people mentioned earlier, that she basically letting you drive the situation. If you want to ride this ship out to Hurricane, or out to sunny weather - she doesn't seem to care, which ways.

 

She asked for the break, and you kind of fought to keep it. I would have said well, I don't want a break but this sounds like something you want... and if you do - then just say the word. She says the word, i drop all contact from her from that point on for at least a month.

 

I just think ex-g/bfs are like taking a shower. You do not get out of a gym and go home to shower. upon getting out of the shower, do you throw your gym clothes on? or do you put on new clothes?

 

-Maybe after 5 years.... I would consider it but 1-3 months; the reasons for the break up are still there.

 

You will be trying to do everything to keep her happy. You will be a wreck because you are basically putting her on an alter. You will feel like you will never be good enough, and she will not respect you. The only way will work if she WANTS to do 50/50 of the work. fighting will only push her away.

 

-Honestly, man. Do you want this girl who doesn't give you the time a day? or would you rather be single and find a girl who loves you for everything you do. (next relationship, don't be doing what this current girl told she was upset with and why she broke it off with you. BE YOURSELF- find a woman who will love you for you)

[Gaeta]

You can take a broken vase and glue back all the pieces together it will always remain a broken vase.

 

She thought the relationship may have had a chance that is why she gave it a go but now she is realizing like the song says: the feeling is gone and she can't get it back.

 

You only dated 6 months, there was no good enough base to patch the relationship back together. When it doesn't work good enough after 6 months then it means you are not meant to be together.

[MountainGirl111]

Two things here jumped out as red flags to me right away:

 

Your comment that she would 'do whatever I tell her to do'. And, your question, "How do I regain dominance?"

 

Perhaps this type of attitude is really why she broke up with you before? Many women don't like to be bossed around or dominated over. Some do, I suppose. But, maybe she is the type that doesn't like that.

 

On the other hand, you don't like the fact that she isn't taking enough initiative in arranging dates or suggesting places. Dude, is that what you really want?

[preraph]

Well, those are just more changes that she wants you to make and you did tell her you'd make changes to get back together.