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Are Dumpers really so unemotional? What would make them "emotional"?

GianKal

By GianKal
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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GeekLover Established Member

GeekLover

Posted
Posted
I'll be honest, I think this is why a lot of reconciliation doesn't work. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but I think deep down inside we want to get back at the person who hurt us. We want to show them how strong we were after they left us, and it turns into bitterness and resentment IF we do get them back. Which never works when you get back into the dynamic of things. It's sort of a power trip. Just like when the dumper gets the person back they feel like they can end it at any moment. I think that happens in a sense to dumpees too.

 

Hmmmm....perhaps it's not reconciliation that I'm actually looking for then. Something to ponder....thanks!!;)

GeekLover Established Member

GeekLover

Posted
Posted
Take it from someone who got their ex back...

 

Think back to the person you were before them.

 

The person who attracted them to you.

 

Get that back.

 

And if you don't get them back, you'll attract someone else.

 

I got my ex back, after a loooong time.

 

I'm now married and have kids with someone else.

 

Trust me your journey has just begun.

 

I know you wanted some great love story ending, but this is real life.

 

Refer to my 2-3 comment.

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

I don't have a lot to respond to this...I'm just super pumped YOU popped in here, Barky!!! I've read many posts by you from years ago and I'm impressed you still pop in from time to time. Thanks for your effort and commitment to helping others, even though you're beyond all this. :D

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GianKal Member

GianKal

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hello everyone. My ex girlfriend has broken up with me 5 months ago. I have already posted my story in another thread if you want to have a look.

 

Since the 3rd week I have implemented no contact (no reaching out) because she was acting cold and totally unemotional towards me.

 

She was basically either replying to my texts so "formally" as if I was 30 years her senior (!) or didn't reply at all. I was NOT begging her or pleading her and I sent max, maybe 5-6 texts through the span of 3 weeks after the breakup.

 

So since then I am in NC (no reaching out) because that HURT really badly. Since then (4 months later) she contacted me to meet up and we did, and she was acting as if nothing had ever happened between the two of us.. She was "normal" and friendly but as if she was talking to an acquaintance, as if our relationship never existed (we were together for 3 years, known her for 10 years totally). When I brought up the relationship she dismissed me and told me she didn't want to talk "about the past".

 

We were talking about marriage just two weeks before the Breakup, she seemed totally obsessed with me in most of the relationship, I thought if a breakup would ever happen it would be me breaking up with her (!)

 

So, my major problem regarding this breakup is: what the hell happened so suddenly (she never gave me a reason), and how is it possible for someone to be so emotional and even clingy, and suddenly become so unemotional and indifferent as if she has never met with you? (Hence my Avatar...) That makes me really feel as if I am a garbage to her!

 

Will she ever feel something again? I know that every situation is different (we don't have to repeat that in every threat) but I want to see similar situations that the dumper was acting like that, what had happened and how it turned out.

 

Any ideas, experiences on the topic?

Edited by GianKal
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted
Hello everyone. My ex girlfriend has broken up with me 5 months ago. I have already posted my story in another thread if you want to have a look.

 

Since the 3rd week I have implemented no contact (no reaching out) because she was acting cold and totally unemotional towards me.

 

She was basically either replying to my texts so "formally" as if I was 30 years her senior (!) or didn't reply at all. I was NOT begging her or pleading her and I sent max, maybe 5-6 texts through the span of 3 weeks after the breakup.

 

So since then I am in NC (no reaching out) because that HURT really badly. Since then (4 months later) she contacted me to meet up and we did, and she was acting as if nothing had ever happened between the two of us.. She was "normal" and friendly but as if she was talking to an acquaintance, as if our relationship never existed (we were together for 3 years, known her for 10 years totally). When I brought up the relationship she dismissed me and told me she didn't want to talk "about the past".

 

We were talking about marriage just two weeks before the Breakup, she seemed totally obsessed with me in most of the relationship, I thought if a breakup would ever happen it would be me breaking up with her (!)

 

So, my major problem regarding this breakup is: what the hell happened so suddenly (she never gave me a reason), and how is it possible for someone to be so emotional and even clingy, and suddenly become so unemotional and indifferent as if she has never met with you? (Hence my Avatar...) That makes me really feel as if I am a garbage to her!

 

Will she ever feel something again? I know that every situation is different (we don't have to repeat that in every threat) but I want to see similar situations that the dumper was acting like that, what had happened and how it turned out.

 

Any ideas, experiences on the topic?

 

My experience wth every ex has been the same as ures that coldness they exhibit

My answer is 2fold.

1; I believe it helps them process there guilt.

 

2; it's to not lead u on. It's there way of shutting the door.

 

How to respond? The exact same way they are that's it in a nutshell. Fake it till u make it

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Love is not forever and even people who were "besotted" can just change their minds about you,

it may have been one thing in particular that happened that turned her off, or it may be a lot of things over weeks, months, years that gradually ate away at her and she then decided she didn't want to do it any more.

Sometimes the love is still there but for whatever reason she realises there is no long term future so has to end it.

Maybe the talk of marriage was the catalyst, it made her think more seriously and reassess her life, Maybe it hit her like a brick that you were not the man she wants to marry and so had to end it.

 

Introducing "distance" and coldness and acting "professional" may be a sign of how she actually feels, (ie she is over you and has moved on), or she is actually heartbroken and it may be a wall she has put up to stop you trying to change her mind. Do not mistake feelings or emotions or heartbreak for wanting you back though, it is quite possible to be totally distraught over a break up and still NEVER want to go back.

 

I think that you have to accept here that she is done.

SHE will then decide if she has made a mistake and wants you back, that decision is out of your hands.

The dumpee can do nothing, as anything he/she does tends to just make things worse and often just strengthens the resolve of the dumper to never go back.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

They are unemotional because they no longer have romantic feelings for you. Most of the time that is why they broke it off. Nothing you can do to make them more emotional towards you.

  • Like 2
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

What you view as unemotional is really the wall they have constructed to fortify themselves.

 

 

Even though she didn't give you a reason, she had one. She responded politely to you because she's not a mean person & thought ghosting you / ignoring you would be rude. I can't say why she reached out but it's probably along those same lines -- not wanting to be the source of your pain because she's not a mean person.

 

 

Are you sure you have severed all ties? NC means more than you not reaching out. It means ending "friendships" on social media and not getting together with your EX when they ask.

 

 

You need to stop worrying about anything she's doing & focus on your healing.

  • Like 4
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

The opposite of love is indifference. When someone falls out of love with someone, the emotion is gone. Its easy to understand if you are the one who fell out of love, if you didnt fall out of love, then its hard to understand.

  • Like 3
Ronnys93 Established Member

Ronnys93

Posted
Posted

I agree that usually there's a level of indifference when it comes to break ups. Especially if it has been a long term relationship where someone has checked out a LONG time before the relationship ended. However, I think likely what happens is that the dumper feels relieved and they put up walls like d0nnivain said. It's not that they don't care, they're just protecting themselves. It's the opposite of letting your emotions take control of you.

springy Established Member

springy

Posted
Posted

I think it's because they don't want the dumpee to get the wrong idea, that they are interested in getting back together. Your ex is probably trying to go back to the friendship you had prior to dating. You may want to step back from that because you are not over her.

  • Like 1
Ronnys93 Established Member

Ronnys93

Posted
Posted
I think it's because they don't want the dumpee to get the wrong idea, that they are interested in getting back together. Your ex is probably trying to go back to the friendship you had prior to dating. You may want to step back from that because you are not over her.

 

Right, and often times emotions show that we still do care, which can lead to the assumption that they may want to rekindle. It can be seen as leading on depending on how deep the friendship was.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

The business like demeanor is something that a lot of people adopt as a way to distance themselves, so they can deal with practical matters related to the breakup and move on. It doesn't mean she has no warm feelings for you or that she dislikes you. It's that the relationship is no longer romantic, so she has to renegotiate how she acts around you. And that's a really awkward thing to do, and it's why people advise NC. Unless you have a reason to be in contact (working together, sorting out belongings), it's going to be painful for you to be around her.

 

I know that seeing an ex treat you differently can be confusing and emotionally jarring, but it will probably help you let go and accept the reality of what is happening. It's tough, so I'd suggest, like everyone else has, that you should stay away from her and end all social media connections.

niji Established Member

niji

Posted
Posted
The business like demeanor is something that a lot of people adopt as a way to distance themselves, so they can deal with practical matters related to the breakup and move on. It doesn't mean she has no warm feelings for you or that she dislikes you. It's that the relationship is no longer romantic, so she has to renegotiate how she acts around you. And that's a really awkward thing to do, and it's why people advise NC. Unless you have a reason to be in contact (working together, sorting out belongings), it's going to be painful for you to be around her.

 

This x100.

 

When I met up with my ex after breaking up, I acted very emotionally distant/formal, and I'm sure it really hurt him. It was not my intention to hurt him, but I already did just that by breaking up, so saying anything else ("I care about you") is just hypocritical. After the breakup, I cared about (and still do, actually) and respected him as a human being, not as a SO anymore, so acting differently from what I said would just prevent him from moving on. Plus, I stopped having romantic feeling for him; there was no way I could force myself acting in such a manner (again, by being hypocritical and fake).

 

I think the lesson to take after this is, my situation was similar to your ex, and when I was with my ex, I was all in. When I realized I wasn't "in" 100% anymore, I broke up with him. While you may feel like you meant nothing to her, I have to convince you that feelings change even if the people haven't (the only thing you can hope to remain permanently is respect). She is cold towards you now, because you're no longer together. It does not mean that, once upon a time, you didn't mean the world to her. My ex did to me, but not after I decided to break up with him.

lonelyplanetmoon Established Member

lonelyplanetmoon

Posted
Posted

I am in Day 3 of a breakup. 10+ year relationship. No kids. I am the dumpee.

I have been struggling with this exact question.

 

Thank you for posting this and for all the responses. They are helping me so much to cope. It has been such a struggle to not think about wanting them back but I am getting the idea now that there really is no going back.

 

Just could not figure out how someone who was once so emotional could be so cold.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Just could not figure out how someone who was once so emotional could be so cold.

 

It's very hurtful. I remember being very confused and hurt when my ex was able to act distant and unaffected by our breakup. It's best to shield yourself from that by going NC. Dumpers aren't completely unaffected though. They just don't want to show it in front of you, which is exactly how dumpees act too. I remember when I saw my ex at work for the first time, and I basically ignored him and gave short answers to his questions. I'm sure he expected me to act differently, but I knew I couldn't engage him in any discussions about his personal life or how my family was doing. I have no idea what he thought about that or if it hurt his feelings. I also remember my ex breaking down in front of me once after our breakup over the idea that he had hurt me. So dumpers do experience sadness over breakups too, and I actually ended up looking at that incident as a comfort later on because it showed that I did mean something to him while we were together. It validated that the entire relationship was based on mutual love, and that served as a comfort to me once I was able to get past the acute pain.

 

I also had an ex from my college days tell me that I had really hurt his feelings when I defriended him on FB. It wasn't malicious on my part, but it was a housecleaning thing that I did after I had been dating my most recent ex for a few years. I was pretty shocked when, several years later, this ex and I had a chance encounter and he told me I had hurt his feelings. We hadn't even talked in years, and he was married to someone else by then. So you just never know how people are feeling. The important thing is to protect yourself by going NC. Don't worry about how an ex may or may not feel because it has no bearing on your recovery. Just accept that people do what they need to do to recover, and it often means distancing themselves from an ex and acting detached.

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted (edited)

I remember wen I went councelling after a break up, the councillor showed me a pie chart of where the dumper is and where the dumpee is and how the dumper got to that point or ending it. The dumper's essentially been checking out some time before the Breakup. So wen the day comes wen they end it basically all emotions have gone and feelings. Take heed wen u hear those words 'I've lost feelings for u" 'I love u but I'm not in love wth u". In my experience my ex's there's always been a third party wen they start checking out not necessarily hooked up either they may be just talking but they develop feelings for this other party and then decide to split to pursue them.

 

I would add that wen confronted they never admit to another party being the catalyst weak lol

Edited by Goodguy05
Altair0770 Established Member

Altair0770

Posted
Posted
When a dumper dumps a person where the dumpee was a good (boyfriend/girlfriend)

 

The only reason they leave is because they believe they can find better. They have gotten bored.

 

Really want a person like that in your life?

 

This

This

This

THIS

 

When there is a reason for the breakup that you caused as a dumpee, you must own that and walk away.

 

If you're a dumpee that tried to make the relationship work, and got dumped, they were bored and wanted to try something new. In my situation this was the case. She hasn't come back. Probably won't because she's an idiot and fearful. Now she's chasing someone that rejected her, and I have learned that I want nothing to do with her.

 

The only thing you can prove is when you're in a relationship with someone. Not when you have broken up. If they thought the best situation for them was to move on to someone else, they must own up to that decision. When they get dumped and can't find someone better, they'll sniff around. But sometimes that takes many, many months or years, and by then you won't want them back, or you'll be over them.

Altair0770 Established Member

Altair0770

Posted
Posted
Take it from someone who got their ex back...

 

Think back to the person you were before them.

 

The person who attracted them to you.

 

Get that back.

 

And if you don't get them back, you'll attract someone else.

 

I got my ex back, after a loooong time.

 

I'm now married and have kids with someone else.

 

Trust me your journey has just begun.

 

I know you wanted some great love story ending, but this is real life.

 

Refer to my 2-3 comment.

 

 

 

Barky

 

You know, I read this and thought damn, that's a good idea. So I went out and took a long walk and feel great. Thought of some comedy routines (I met my ex being a leader and funny).

 

The question is how the hell do you show them you changed? I'm not looking to woe my ex, I want to move on from her. She's trash. But how do you get them to see while doing NC?

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