Are Dumpers really so unemotional? What would make them "emotional"?

June 10, 2017

Dear LovesShack'ers I would like to see your different ideas on how to get back with an Ex.

My story: I've dated my ex girlfriend for 3 years and we were best friends for 7 years before that. She was nearly obsessed with me for the most part of the relationship. We were talking about marriage and stuff, she was telling me that I was the only person that made her feel that way among many other things that made me believe that she was going to be my future wife. 5 months ago, she Broke up with me over the phone, without telling me a reason. I was shocked because it came so suddenly. Just two weeks before she broke up with me we were talking about marriage. I didn't begged or pleaded (maybe a little when she was breaking up with me) and I sent her maybe 5 text messages for the next 3 weeks to which she either was cold and unemotional or no responsive at all. It was an eerie feeling, I knew I was talking to that person, yet that person was totally someone else. Then I implemented No Contact (no reaching out) and she texted about having some of her stuff back. She was polite but freezing-cold distant! It was scary! I replied with the same way and then 4 months later when I was getting over her, she texted me to meet up. I agreed and we met, we talked about everything except the breakup. When I brought it up, she dismissed me and said that she didn't want to talk about it. It is funny because at 4 months mark I was almost over her, and when I met with her it brought me back to month 1!

Meanwhile my Ex-ex girlfriend, which broke up with me 4 years ago and remained "good acquaintances" confessed her feelings for me, adding to the confussion. From the time my most recent ex broke up with me, we were spending more time together and having fun. It seems that when you stop caring, move on and meet again in the future, having fun with them, all their feelings that they once had, they come back.

Well, I open up with thead to share our ideas on how to get back with an ex after months appart. Please share your ideas and experiences on the topic!

Edited June 10, 2017 by GianKal

June 10, 2017

Dumpees can't do anything to get the EX back. They have to accept that the other person wanted out & is moving on.

Dumpers only have one realistic option. They must reach out & state that they made a mistake & want to try again.

All the games in the world don't work. NC is about healing not manipulation through 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.

June 10, 2017

I wouldn't try to get an ex back as a dumpee anymore. I literally just tried that and realized the massive power difference my ex had over me. I also realized I would just resent him because I cared more and tried so much harder than him. I wish I would have started NC right after the breakup 2 months ago and healed and saved my dignity. At least in my case, not sure how yours would work, in order for a reconciliation to be successful, the dumper must initiate it.

June 10, 2017

When a dumper dumps a person where the dumpee was a good (boyfriend/girlfriend)

The only reason they leave is because they believe they can find better. They have gotten bored.

Really want a person like that in your life?

June 10, 2017

When a dumper dumps a person where the dumpee was a good (boyfriend/girlfriend)

The only reason they leave is because they believe they can find better. They have gotten bored.

Really want a person like that in your life?

I exactly know what you mean by that. The fact is that she was my best friend for years.. I trusted her as nobody in the world. If someone would tell me what she would have done to me I wouldn't have believed it.

Imagine the person you mostly trust in the world and have known for 10 YEARS, end up (almost) ghosting you. Any attempts to communicate with that person end up in harsh coldness or no reply at all without any reason. The one day is your best friend and lover and the next day is gone without giving you anything, and treating you as if you were the last piece of trash she would ever want to see.

What I am trying to say is that this breakup caused me so many deeper issues that I need that person back in order to restore my faith in friendships, relationships and love.

Sorry if I sound too cliche and melodramatic but it really affected me as a person deeper than a breakup would.

Edited June 10, 2017 by GianKal

June 10, 2017

All the games in the world don't work. NC is about healing not manipulation through 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.

I think you are wrong.. I am not talking about playing games. I am talking about being able to reestablish some connection with them and reattract them. It happened to me with an ex before.

I find it really difficult to believe that someone that was your best friend for 10 years will never talk to you again. It is just a matter of reestablishing a connection without scaring them and escalating from there. It also turns out that NC does nothing in long term relationship breakups in regards to getting back together.

June 10, 2017

I literally just tried that and realized the massive power difference my ex had over me.

what's your story?

June 10, 2017

Listen to that Taylor Swift song "How You Get The Girl"

June 10, 2017

I think subconsciously my logic goes like that: if your best friend, and best lover whom you know for 10 YEARS, and the person that you trusted the most and thought she would never do that to you, is able to walk away without giving you any reason, over the phone, without giving you any chance to talk with her, and by treating you that harshly and with that cruelty, imagine what the person you meet today would be able to do to you tomorrow... I know that people are not the same, but how long shall I wait to trust the next girlfriend? 20 years? 30? I mean, the whole situation it is traumatic.

June 10, 2017

I was in a 9 year LDR.

Ended at start of 2015.

During 2015, I contacted her once every 2 months or so, just to get a few answers here and there.

At start of 2016, her new relationship ended and we met up for a holiday, probably just to see if anything at all could be salvaged.

She started going distant after that and then ghosted me. I didn't hear from her for about 6 months.

The last 6 months, she has messaged me about 10 times. I never replied except for 1 time where I simply asked her what is it she wants to say.

Her most recent message a week ago was asking me if I am married.

Look, I know all about trying to win back an ex as I tried it here but as you pointed out, the only possibility is if you just let it all go and there's a tiny chance they might come back.

The big problem is that dumper's find it very hard to come out and say they made a mistake because in reality they did not make a mistake, it's just that over time and given space, they could see you in a positive light again.

Until my ex takes a few more risks and puts her dignity on the line, I will just keep ignoring FOREVER.

In the end the only way you get an Ex back, is by being true to yourself and moving forwards without them.

Edited June 10, 2017 by marky00

June 10, 2017

I think you are wrong.. I am not talking about playing games. I am talking about being able to reestablish some connection with them and reattract them. It happened to me with an ex before.

I find it really difficult to believe that someone that was your best friend for 10 years will never talk to you again. It is just a matter of reestablishing a connection without scaring them and escalating from there. It also turns out that NC does nothing in long term relationship breakups in regards to getting back together.

You did not re-attract. She simply did not find someone better than you and used you as a buffer/fluffer. You established a reconnection with an old ex. Where is she now? You could not maintain that connection. So now you are at this ex now.

You know why you find it difficult that your best friend for 10 years is not with you.. because there are some people who only care about #1 and if her feelings said to her she is not feeling you.. loyality is out the door and she broke-up with you.

Friends and relationships are two different frequencies.

They are not one and the same. You've read or seen too many romantic books and movies. You should not be trying to "escalate" a relationship that she killed. Grow some balls guy. Are you a sales man trying to regain a client??

Why are you trying to get her back? She is gone. Own it.

Either your valuable or not and i've seen too many guys cry and moan about trying to get the EX back.

Contact in a breakup is by far the worse situation you can place your self... NC is a better situation because it allows both parties to THINK and process the relationship which can take MONTHS.

The dumper usually only comes back when they cant find better.. this is not always a person and can be a lifestyle.

Im not saying you should be heartless.. what im saying is move on.

June 10, 2017

Friends and relationships are two different frequencies.

I don't agree with that. When you are together for a long time, what matters most is the friendship. Without friendship anytime one of them would face a difficulty they would breakup.

Grow some balls guy. Are you a sales man trying to regain a client??

Why are you trying to get her back? She is gone. Own it.
Either your valuable or not and i've seen too many guys cry and moan about trying to get the EX back.

To that I would agree. I am not trying anything though... I am in NC (not reaching out) since february, and I am moving on with my life as well. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't a harsh experience. If she would come back, I would make her work really hard or even reject her. but I still want her to come back.. I don't believe in these macho statements of "grow some balls" etc, it is normal to have some serious consequences after such a breakup. Although I would agree that life goes on and you don't have to cry and moan forever over someone that treated you like that.

Edited June 10, 2017 by GianKal

June 10, 2017

what's your story?

He got busy with work and fixing a house, I gave him space for about a month (we'd been dating only 3-4months when this started) and we'd talk only when it was convenient for him (late at night, not convenient for me but I wanted the relationship to work).

Eventually I got tired of his needs being the most important for the last couple months and wanted to talk about how i was feeling but he would avoid it. He only wanted to message over text but things always escalated, I should have put my foot down and stopped talking unless it was in person or video chat. But I wanted the relationship to work and he was rigid and inflexible so I always bent to whatever he wanted.

Essentially we ended because he felt i was impatient and pushy while he was trying to make his life stable. I felt like he didn't put effort in. Post-breakup, I ease up, contact him less, say I'm interested in trying again but leave the door open instead of asking and pressuring him. He said he wanted to see where things go and told me to be patient. I was going to do just that until I saw he had been updating his POF profile so I pressured him to tell me where he was at because I felt led on.

He felt I hadn't changed, I was tired of feeling walked on and taken advantage of and being the only one to work on changing and sent him a rant about his hypocrisies and not being able to take responsibility for his role in the relationship (being on Tinder during relationship, not recognizing my positive, being on phone during dinner when I drove 2 hours to visit bc he was pissed I wasn't going to visit because I was busy with grad school and my thesis).

I knew he'd block me after the rant but I didn't care because I'd already realized that he was too full of pride to change and admit where he was wrong. Any relationship we would have had would have just been me being resentful that i was putting so much effort and care into it and he was putting in none. I know I should have stayed backed off but I was so angry and tired of feeling like a door mat so I let him know how I felt about everything and said I didn't care if he replied, I just wanted him to understand me. He's too stuck on his high horse to even want to try to change. He even told me "When I'm with someone that listens to me and can learn from me, I've never had issues." But he didn't listen to or try to learn from me.

That's my story in a nut shell.

June 10, 2017

You established a reconnection with an old ex. Where is she now? You could not maintain that connection. So now you are at this ex now.

I don't want back this ex. I could have had her back but I don't want her back. Believe it or not I've friendzoned her..

June 10, 2017

I don't agree with that. When you are together for a long time, what matters most is the friendship. Without friendship anytime one of them would face a difficulty they would breakup.

You cannot treat your friends like a girlfriend and you cannot treat your girlfriend like a friend.

This is often when relationships go to crap.

when your are with someone for a long time you need to shift the friendship into a relationship.. Because you need to take your position as a man and her position as a woman. Why?

Because she will eventually feel she can maintain the benefits of the friendship and seek other men.

In essence all you added was intimacy to a friendship.

Sex, kissing, and etc.

Most women can get that and most women can get friends.

So really think about that... what makes you valuable in that relationship? After the honeymoon juice runs out and the brain shifts from (im in love with you, to what do you have to offer me) it was both parties responsibility in the relationship to figure out needs and express those needs and honor those needs.

Often, I see women have the hardest time expressing those needs because they have been programmed since childhood to want (X) type guy and biologically they crave something else. (This is my opinion)

A real friend would not ended a "friendship" over the phone and cold-hearted. Not one friend in my life time has done this....

I suggest you rethink if you were a friend or an orbiter.

June 10, 2017

I don't want back this ex. I could have had her back but I don't want her back. Believe it or not I've friendzoned her..

Its good you don't want her back and this is what happens often to dumpers..

The dumper severed the connection and to reconnect is difficult. But again the the relationship "connection" was not maintained. You may have friendzoned her.. but was she begging for you back.. did she do anything to reconnect?

From the time my most recent ex broke up with me, we were spending more time together and having fun.

So you defaulted back to the ex... to fill a void.

Nope.. you won't admit that.. she is your friend right?

Where you hanging around the ex while you were with your current ex while dating?

June 10, 2017

did she do anything to reconnect?

many times, but I would ignore her because I was in a R/S with my current ex. So to answer your next question...

So you defaulted back to the ex... to fill a void.

Nope.. you won't admit that.. she is your friend right?
Where you hanging around the ex while you were with your current ex while dating?

... I admit that this is what I did.

June 10, 2017

Because you need to take your position as a man and her position as a woman. Why?

Because she will eventually feel she can maintain the benefits of the friendship and seek other men.

In essence all you added was intimacy to a friendship.
Sex, kissing, and etc.

Most women can get that and most women can get friends.

So really think about that... what makes you valuable in that relationship?

what would make me valuabe in the R/S?

June 10, 2017

Dear LovesShack'ers I would like to see your different ideas on how to get back with an Ex.

My story: I've dated my ex girlfriend for 3 years and we were best friends for 7 years before that. She was nearly obsessed with me for the most part of the relationship. We were talking about marriage and stuff, she was telling me that I was the only person that made her feel that way among many other things that made me believe that she was going to be my future wife. 5 months ago, she Broke up with me over the phone, without telling me a reason. I was shocked because it came so suddenly. Just two weeks before she broke up with me we were talking about marriage. I didn't begged or pleaded (maybe a little when she was breaking up with me) and I sent her maybe 5 text messages for the next 3 weeks to which she either was cold and unemotional or no responsive at all. It was an eerie feeling, I knew I was talking to that person, yet that person was totally someone else. Then I implemented No Contact (no reaching out) and she texted about having some of her stuff back. She was polite but freezing-cold distant! It was scary! I replied with the same way and then 4 months later when I was getting over her, she texted me to meet up. I agreed and we met, we talked about everything except the breakup. When I brought it up, she dismissed me and said that she didn't want to talk about it. It is funny because at 4 months mark I was almost over her, and when I met with her it brought me back to month 1!

Meanwhile my Ex-ex girlfriend, which broke up with me 4 years ago and remained "good acquaintances" confessed her feelings for me, adding to the confussion. From the time my most recent ex broke up with me, we were spending more time together and having fun. It seems that when you stop caring, move on and meet again in the future, having fun with them, all their feelings that they once had, they come back.

Well, I open up with thead to share our ideas on how to get back with an ex after months appart. Please share your ideas and experiences on the topic!

Yes wen u stop caring and u meet someone new they come back. My ex wife was like ur ex similar time frame I went to Thailand had a fling wth a very hot Thai woman totally forgot the wife in fact was thinking of divorce (it wss my ex wife that left me) I really don't know wat it is they must sense uvery moved on. My current ex not so much even tho Ivery been in NC since Nov she's met someone moved on but he's left to go overseas but my gut tells me she'll hook up soon again wth someone from work she's incapable of filling her own void. I suspect tho if she found out I'd met someone she'd be running back. The fact me and her work together gives her an idea where I'm at. I've tried dating sites but it's not happenning and ive realised I dint wanna repeat the same patterns fromantic the past and go into rebound relationships to help heal me. So I've stayed it alone. Anyway that's my two bobs worth

June 11, 2017

I've tried dating sites but it's not happenning and ive realised I dint wanna repeat the same patterns fromantic the past and go into rebound relationships to help heal me. So I've stayed it alone. Anyway that's my two bobs worth

This is where I'm at too. He left me and jumped right into a new relationship...no healing time at all. I've come to realize he's just like your ex-he is unable to love himself and fill his own void. He even admitted to me during our relationship that he is terrified of being alone.

Like you, I also don't want to jump into a new relationship. It's almost been 7 months now, and though I've gone on dates and such, I have very little interest in seeking out anything serious. For that, I am proud and can say it's the one thing I'm doing that makes me feel like I am "surpassing" my ex in terms of growth and healing. I almost pity him in a way-that he needs to monkey branch. I shouldn't be surprised though...he monkey branched to me too...now off he goes to the next... Unfortunately for him, he underestimated my love for him and he lost out.

Do I want him back? Sometimes I think I do, other times I don't. I think what I want more is for him to come back so I can show him how strong I really am. I fantasize about that opportunity a lot. Maybe he will come back at some point, maybe he won't. I'm not holding my breath...but I will be prepared for it if it happens.

June 11, 2017

This is where I'm at too. He left me and jumped right into a new relationship...no healing time at all. I've come to realize he's just like your ex-he is unable to love himself and fill his own void. He even admitted to me during our relationship that he is terrified of being alone.

Like you, I also don't want to jump into a new relationship. It's almost been 7 months now, and though I've gone on dates and such, I have very little interest in seeking out anything serious. For that, I am proud and can say it's the one thing I'm doing that makes me feel like I am "surpassing" my ex in terms of growth and healing. I almost pity him in a way-that he needs to monkey branch. I shouldn't be surprised though...he monkey branched to me too...now off he goes to the next... Unfortunately for him, he underestimated my love for him and he lost out.

Do I want him back? Sometimes I think I do, other times I don't. I think what I want more is for him to come back so I can show him how strong I really am. I fantasize about that opportunity a lot. Maybe he will come back at some point, maybe he won't. I'm not holding my breath...but I will be prepared for it if it happens.

Wow we really do share something in common here. Yes and I have those same fantasies lol haha but having said all that I know it'll mess wth my head becauee I experienced it in the past wth the ex wife.

Sweetfish is right wen she states that about the shallow dating pool I would add they are uncertain about the decision they've made and come back to help make there mind up essentially they don't know where they're at or wat they want or they may want the security the old relationship offered.

But yes my ex has a pattern of meeting partners at work. That's where she met me and the previous ex. They are not that strong even tho they dumped I can garauntee u they probably were having there needs met somehere else. I would add they r liars as well

I just hope this time I can really unravel the damage shes done to me over the last 6 mths and heal and learn from it and forgive and not carry any baggage to the next relationship. Also be fully present wth the new relationship. The risk being is i hope I can choose wiser and better u just don't know but I believe wen were healthy of mind there's a better chance of picking a partner wth less baggage.

Having said all that if I met someone who I fell on love wth then that's a whole different story I just believe we don't meet our soulmates till we are really present and healed which can take some time on average for me i know it takes a good 2 to 3 yrs to be indifferent not angry or anything just takes time and I also think it's important to learn wat that pain is trying to teach us. There's gold in those little nuggets of hurt there really is its only then that we really get an awareness of ourselves wat we did how we contributed or not to the demise of the relationship. I think rebounds can help som what but in my experience u either get doubly hurt if they end up cheating on u because ur not present wth them or u end up hurting the rebound and going thru a whole bunch of guilt that's why I think it's better to be it alone and give ureself time to have reflection

Edited June 11, 2017 by Goodguy05

June 11, 2017

Take it from someone who got their ex back...

Think back to the person you were before them.

The person who attracted them to you.

Get that back.

And if you don't get them back, you'll attract someone else.

I got my ex back, after a loooong time.

I'm now married and have kids with someone else.

Trust me your journey has just begun.

I know you wanted some great love story ending, but this is real life.

Refer to my 2-3 comment.

Barky

June 11, 2017

This is where I'm at too. He left me and jumped right into a new relationship...no healing time at all. I've come to realize he's just like your ex-he is unable to love himself and fill his own void. He even admitted to me during our relationship that he is terrified of being alone.

Like you, I also don't want to jump into a new relationship. It's almost been 7 months now, and though I've gone on dates and such, I have very little interest in seeking out anything serious. For that, I am proud and can say it's the one thing I'm doing that makes me feel like I am "surpassing" my ex in terms of growth and healing. I almost pity him in a way-that he needs to monkey branch. I shouldn't be surprised though...he monkey branched to me too...now off he goes to the next... Unfortunately for him, he underestimated my love for him and he lost out.

Do I want him back? Sometimes I think I do, other times I don't. I think what I want more is for him to come back so I can show him how strong I really am. I fantasize about that opportunity a lot. Maybe he will come back at some point, maybe he won't. I'm not holding my breath...but I will be prepared for it if it happens.

I'll be honest, I think this is why a lot of reconciliation doesn't work. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but I think deep down inside we want to get back at the person who hurt us. We want to show them how strong we were after they left us, and it turns into bitterness and resentment IF we do get them back. Which never works when you get back into the dynamic of things. It's sort of a power trip. Just like when the dumper gets the person back they feel like they can end it at any moment. I think that happens in a sense to dumpees too.

June 11, 2017

I'll be honest, I think this is why a lot of reconciliation doesn't work. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but I think deep down inside we want to get back at the person who hurt us. We want to show them how strong we were after they left us, and it turns into bitterness and resentment IF we do get them back. Which never works when you get back into the dynamic of things. It's sort of a power trip. Just like when the dumper gets the person back they feel like they can end it at any moment. I think that happens in a sense to dumpees too.

I would agree to that. Sometimes I wonder if I just want her to come back in order to dump her. It is this indifference that they have about the dumpee that make the dumpee feeling lonely and worthless. We are sad, angry, depressed, enraged and the dumper is just "meh...".. indifferent. Nothing affects them, not our anger, not our depression. And that is the most traumatic because we have no value at all in their eyes. I would be glad if my ex was angry or shouting at me, if I was worth at least something bad for them, but to be just indifferent, "polite" and not affected is the worst thing because it shows that we are nothing to them.

That's why we want them to wake up one day realize that we are more valuable than plain indifference, come back and make them pay back by dumping them. Maybe it's childish, maybe is normal, but we mostly want them to come back in order to boost our annihilated ego.

Edited June 11, 2017 by GianKal

June 11, 2017

Take it from someone who got their ex back...

Think back to the person you were before them.

The person who attracted them to you.

Get that back.

And if you don't get them back, you'll attract someone else.

I got my ex back, after a loooong time.

I'm now married and have kids with someone else.

Trust me your journey has just begun.

I know you wanted some great love story ending, but this is real life.

Refer to my 2-3 comment.

Barky

I agree. How did you initiated contact with them again. How did you two got back together in speaking terms?

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