icklepickle Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Venting and looking for opinions and advice (sorry for the long post) Bit of background on my relationship so you know where my thoughts are coming from. I'm a 21 year old women and my boyfriend is 24. We've been together for 2 years. He is about to begin training to become a Minister which means he is VERY busy. We live 30 miles apart and I stay with him 1-2 days each week. Back in March we hit a rough patch - he has friends which live locally to him, his friends are drug users which I do not agree with - this has created an uneasy atmosphere in the past when I have hung out with them. My boyfriend also uses drugs occasionally which I am uneasy about. On one occasion during a rough patch, he visited his friends and ignored my messages and phone calls - he would read my messages and not reply. He told his friends we broke up (was news to me! (I found this out later in April when I read his messages)) While visiting his friends, there was a new girl there which he started talking to and became overly friendly with very quickly. He added her on Facebook. They messaged everyday for weeks and weeks, having very sexual and flirty conversations. I quickly caught on that something wasn't right - my gut feeling at first. I asked him who she was, he replied telling me "just a girl I hardly know through other friends, shes asking which video game to buy her bf for his birthday". I knew this was not right instantly. Long story short on this part - He had been messaging the girl leading her on, they both agreed to meet up alone and go to the cinema (while leading his friends to believe we had broken up - no such conversation ever took place) (I know all this from the messages I read on his Facebook) The reason I took it upon myself to look at his Facebook messages was because he kept hiding his phone and the girl kept messaging him and my gut was telling me there was something I needed to know. I confronted him regarding the messages - he tried to deny everything at first saying I had the wrong end of the stick, but he later admitted he was wrong to do what he did. In the end, we stayed together and he told me he deleted her and explained to his friends that he is with me still. His friends and him and the girl plan to go camping at the end of this month but as soon as I found out about the girl I told him if we work on this he will not be going camping with the girl and his friends because I couldn't trust him right now. He keeps asking me if he can go camping and saying he doesn't think the girl will be there - but I know she will probably be there! I've told him I do not want him to go. He has another set of friends which live long distance and they chat on xbox daily - One of his male friends befriended me on Facebook. He started chatting to me and I would reply to be polite - but things started to get out of hand when his friend would message me strange sexual messages. I showed the messages to my boyfriend and I asked him if he would speak to his friend and ask him to stop with the weird messages. My boyfriend told me he thought it would be better if I messaged his friend myself and told him. In the end, I tried to tell his friend the messages he was sending at times were inappropriate. Bearing all this information in mind - Yesterday my boyfriend messaged me and asked (again) if he could go camping. I told him I did not want him to - because of the same previous reasons (no trust has been regained yet). He did not take this well and got mad. He suddenly brought up the messages from his friend to me (the weird sexual ones) saying "what am I supposed to think with you sending me bits of the sexual weird messages he sent you" At this point I was furious with my boyfriend for even trying to relate what he did to his friend sending me those messages where I had no lead his friend to send me those sorts of messages. I told my boyfriend I would speak with him on the phone as it is better to discuss on the phone rather than over texts. We had a full and frank discussion about everything that has been going on with our relationship and we sorted things out. I told my boyfriend I would message his friend and explain that it would be better that we did not talk anymore - my boyfriend told me not to message but to just ignore his friend which I did not feel comfortable with. After getting of the phone with my boyfriend I took some time to compose myself and write a message to his friend. I will quote the message I sent to his friend because this is where my boyfriend thinks I was hurtful and caused problems. "Hey I don't think we should be talking anymore. You've been a good friend but something was brought up in an argument with myself and (bfs name) and I think our friendship is putting a strain on my relationship, I hope you can understand where I am coming from" My reasons for writing the message instead of ignoring him was because I know how hurtful it feels to be ignored from someone you consider a friend. I did not want to leave things like that because he had been a good friend, but I had to think about my relationship and put that first, so I thought I had worded the message clear and did not bash or say anything that was not true. The friend messaged me saying OK and that he would unfriend me (which he did). I thought everything was fine until about an hour later my boyfriend sends me messages asking what I said to his friend - I sent him a screenshot of the message I sent to him. Long story short - my boyfriend is really upset with me because he thinks the message I sent his friend was hurtful and I handled the situation badly. At this moment and time he told me not to talk to him because he might say something he regrets. My boyfriend told me to fix things with his friend - which I did. I've explained the message I sent to him and we chatted for a bit. Did I really say something to warrant such a response from my boyfriend? He is still not talking to me right now - I am not going to message him. I feel like the message I sent was fair and clear, not hurtful at all. Does anyone have any advice about what I can do to remedy the situation? I'm at a loss because I genuinely feel like I did nothing wrong.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Get a new BF. I'm still trying to reconcile that a sexually active drug user who at the very least wants to cheat on his GF is studying to become a minister. Heaven help that Church. I'm also not sure why it took your BF arguing with you for you to tell his buddy, your FB friend, that his sexual messages were unwelcome. You also didn't really say that clearly. You just unfriended him in a polite but vague way. The fact that your BF thinks you were rude confounds me. If anything you were too nice. I think your BF should be more upset that you weren't more put off by the sexual messages. It seems that the camping solution would be for you to go along. Why isn't that happening? Given what happened before between your BF & this woman, he has to see you point about why you are uncomfortable with her being part of the camping group. I can't understand why you are not screaming that he severe all contact with her. That said, I'm back to where we started: get a new BF. You said it yourself all trust is gone. You were reduced to snooping. You two don't really respect each other. You don't like his friends or his drug habits. Other than history what is keeping you together? 2
hippychick3 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Your bf is using this as an excuse to be mad at you so he can go on the camping trip. Now you need to use this as an excuse to finally dump this cheating jerk. 2
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