How could he treat me this way?

[Mbell8970]

then proceed to make out in front of me with his new girl all night. -- Not everything is about you all the time . . . he was enjoying his time with his new girlfriend at a party that you happened to be attending as well.

 

His life is going on as it should be. What should he do, tell his new girlfriend that he can't show affection for her because you're there?

 

Yes, you are in the wrong. What you did was immature and unnecessary. If he treated you badly during your relationship, you should just tell yourself that she doesn't have a prize and she may find herself rowing your boat some day. You don't lower yourself to match someone else's poor behavior/treatment. A woman always conducts herself with dignity and grace. That is the way to show someone what they've lost . . .

 

I have conducted myself that way. For the past 4 months, I've taken lies and manipulation and insensitivity and tried my best to be understanding. I didn't do any of the begging or pleading or any of that. I always treated him with care, loyalty, love and respect in our relationship. So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him to (immaturely) make a point? It WAS disrespectful of him to act that way in front of me. Any decent person would see that.

I'm looking for support here, not judgement.

[Redhead14]

I have conducted myself that way. For the past 4 months, I've taken lies and manipulation and insensitivity and tried my best to be understanding. I didn't do any of the begging or pleading or any of that. I always treated him with care, loyalty, love and respect in our relationship. So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him to (immaturely) make a point? It WAS disrespectful of him to act that way in front of me. Any decent person would see that.

I'm looking for support here, not judgement.

 

"Judgement" is the word that people call harsh reality when they hear what they know is a fact and don't want to hear the truth.

 

I can sugar-coat it all you like, but in the end, it's still wrong. It is not disrespectful for him to be moving on with his life. He owes you nothing . . .

 

So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him -- Nah, what you've done is spilt anger, hostility and negativity on him. And, basically, getting your "crazy on". He will be referring to you as his "crazy ex" now. The things you've been avoiding for 4 months. How is that a win for you?

 

The best support I can give you is to tell you you need to move past all this for your own good. Carrying around all this negativity is unhealthy and possibly creating a stumbling block for your future relationship potential.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have conducted myself that way. For the past 4 months, I've taken lies and manipulation and insensitivity and tried my best to be understanding. I didn't do any of the begging or pleading or any of that. I always treated him with care, loyalty, love and respect in our relationship. So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him to (immaturely) make a point? It WAS disrespectful of him to act that way in front of me. Any decent person would see that.

I'm looking for support here, not judgement.

 

But what point did you hope to make? That is a sincere question. And in the end, do you feel you got that point across to him?

 

I don't think anyone here would disagree that he was a giant tool to you for the past few months, nor that it's understandable you are hurt. Of course you're in pain.

 

But you did ask in your initial post if you were wrong. And the general consensus, is that yes, you were wrong. It doesn't mean he didn't behave like a jerk to you in the months after your breakup. It doesn't mean you didn't have a right to feel uncomfortable and hurt seeing him with his new girlfriend; most people would not want to see it. However, the way you chose to respond to your anger was wrong, yes. It's not the end of the world, but there were definitely better ways to go about this.

 

What this whole thread indicates is that you still place a lot of value on his opinion of you. If you didn't, you wouldn't care what he thought of the drink-dripping. And it's normal to still be angry that he thinks you're immature/nuts/spiteful/whatever-he-thinks. You haven't had enough time and space away from him yet. But you'll get past this, in time.

[Zahara]

I have conducted myself that way. For the past 4 months, I've taken lies and manipulation and insensitivity and tried my best to be understanding. I didn't do any of the begging or pleading or any of that. I always treated him with care, loyalty, love and respect in our relationship.

 

Self-reflect on why you accepted lies, manipulation and insensitivity and rewarded negative behavior with care, love and respect.

 

So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him to (immaturely) make a point? It WAS disrespectful of him to act that way in front of me. Any decent person would see that.

I'm looking for support here, not judgement.

 

It's possible that because you are emotional that the "making out" is magnified in your head.

 

If it was bothering you that much, you should have left. You can only control your own actions. Spilling your drink only gave him ammunition. You'll now be the crazy ex. Stay no contact with him. The next time you see them, move away or stay away.

[springy]

I have conducted myself that way. For the past 4 months, I've taken lies and manipulation and insensitivity and tried my best to be understanding. I didn't do any of the begging or pleading or any of that. I always treated him with care, loyalty, love and respect in our relationship. So the worst I've done is spill a few drops of my drink on him to (immaturely) make a point? It WAS disrespectful of him to act that way in front of me. Any decent person would see that.

I'm looking for support here, not judgement.

 

Tough lesson. I assume you are young so you have now learned that when someone breaks up with you, you don't stick around even if they are promising x, y, z "possibly", "maybe", "someday" in the future. You move on, tell them they can contact you when they are ready for x, y, z and if you are still interested you will consider it then. That way, when things don't pan out you've already got a head-start on moving on. You don't keep communicating, meeting up, sexing, going out to dinner, holding hands and otherwise behaving as if you're still together. They want to "find themselves" or whatever such excuse they have, then leave them to it.

 

Typically what happens is they are happy to do all those things with you while they hunt for the next lover. They use you to transition to the next one (sometimes unintentionally I suppose).

 

Sorry for your pain. No contact for good. If in a situation like this again, forget what your friends say - do what's best FOR YOU. Not sure that you'd want to spend the rest of your life and add children to a relationship where your partner has no empathy. You are better off without him and there will come a time when you realize that.

[Mbell8970]

But what point did you hope to make? That is a sincere question. And in the end, do you feel you got that point across to him?

 

I don't think anyone here would disagree that he was a giant tool to you for the past few months, nor that it's understandable you are hurt. Of course you're in pain.

 

But you did ask in your initial post if you were wrong. And the general consensus, is that yes, you were wrong. It doesn't mean he didn't behave like a jerk to you in the months after your breakup. It doesn't mean you didn't have a right to feel uncomfortable and hurt seeing him with his new girlfriend; most people would not want to see it. However, the way you chose to respond to your anger was wrong, yes. It's not the end of the world, but there were definitely better ways to go about this.

 

What this whole thread indicates is that you still place a lot of value on his opinion of you. If you didn't, you wouldn't care what he thought of the drink-dripping. And it's normal to still be angry that he thinks you're immature/nuts/spiteful/whatever-he-thinks. You haven't had enough time and space away from him yet. But you'll get past this, in time.

 

 

As wrong as I went about it, yes, I do feel like I got a point across. He contacted me the next morning and asked me why I did what I did and told me that I'm 'lucky' he still has respect for me. I apologized and told him that it was wrong and immature of me. But I also said this:

 

 

''You have zero respect for me. You've lied to me and treated me like garbage throughout this entire process. You don't care about my feelings at all and it's clear that you don't see things from my side. Up until this point, I've been nothing but respectful towards your decision and tried my best to understand. If you had just told me from the beginning that this was about you finding someone else or seeing other people, it would have been a lot easier. But you lied and strung me along until you found someone, only to flaunt it in my face the first moment we see each other. That is disrespectful.''

 

 

He agreed with me. And that was it. It felt really good to say those things finally, and even though I didn't need to spill the drink, unfortunately it happened that way. I don't think this makes me a terrible person or a "crazy ex", just someone who's hurting and made a bad choice.

 

 

Anyways, I appreciate all of the advice and I'm going to try harder to move forward now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As wrong as I went about it, yes, I do feel like I got a point across. He contacted me the next morning and asked me why I did what I did and told me that I'm 'lucky' he still has respect for me. I apologized and told him that it was wrong and immature of me. But I also said this:

 

 

''You have zero respect for me. You've lied to me and treated me like garbage throughout this entire process. You don't care about my feelings at all and it's clear that you don't see things from my side. Up until this point, I've been nothing but respectful towards your decision and tried my best to understand. If you had just told me from the beginning that this was about you finding someone else or seeing other people, it would have been a lot easier. But you lied and strung me along until you found someone, only to flaunt it in my face the first moment we see each other. That is disrespectful.''

 

 

He agreed with me. And that was it. It felt really good to say those things finally, and even though I didn't need to spill the drink, unfortunately it happened that way. I don't think this makes me a terrible person or a "crazy ex", just someone who's hurting and made a bad choice.

 

 

Anyways, I appreciate all of the advice and I'm going to try harder to move forward now.

 

I'd bet a million bucks that your relationship with him ended BECAUSE of another woman, not because, as you put it "But you lied and strung me along until you found someone."

[Mbell8970]

I'd bet a million bucks that your relationship with him ended BECAUSE of another woman, not because, as you put it "But you lied and strung me along until you found someone."

 

 

That's highly likely and at this point, I wouldn't put it past him. Doesn't make it feel any better though.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's highly likely and at this point, I wouldn't put it past him. Doesn't make it feel any better though.

 

I hope that, with time, it at least makes you realize he's not worth your emotional energy . He's not a good person.

[preraph]

No, you did nothing wrong. He had it coming. He was still calling you Babe and acting like you might get back together and then making out with his girlfriend probably ONLY because you were there to witness it. I mean, who does that? I think what you said to him was just right. Next time make it a bucket.

[Mbell8970]

No, you did nothing wrong. He had it coming. He was still calling you Babe and acting like you might get back together and then making out with his girlfriend probably ONLY because you were there to witness it. I mean, who does that? I think what you said to him was just right. Next time make it a bucket.

 

 

Thank you! Someone who understands. I really needed that preraph, thanks for lifting my spirits.

[d0nnivain]

I'm looking for some insight on why my ex is acting the way that he is, not an explanation on why my action make me look desperate and needy.

 

 

He's making out with her because he can. That part may not have had anything to do with you.

 

 

He's calling you babe & saying you're cute because he thinks he's being cute / playful. He thinks if he puts some of the banter back in your interactions all will be forgiven & he won't have to feel like such a jerk for lying to you & cheating on you.

 

 

 

I don't think this makes me a terrible person or a "crazy ex", just someone who's hurting and made a bad choice.

 

Anyways, I appreciate all of the advice and I'm going to try harder to move forward now.

 

 

Glad you are moving forward. Your talk with him the next day seems to have been productive.

 

 

Unfortunately, pouring the drink on them does kinda make you the crazy EX. I'm not saying I wouldn't have been tempted. Part of me thinks it's funny but it was nevertheless wrong & you have to find better ways of dealing with your emotions then this.

 

 

Next time you bump into them at a party, leave. Separating yourself form the situation is the best thing you can do for yourself.

[MsJayne]

I appreciate your comment, but like I said I realize that what I did was not nice and I apologized for it. These past 4 months have been agonizing, some of the worst times of my life, being strung along, lied to and treated like a piece of garbage. I'm looking for some insight on why my ex is acting the way that he is, not an explanation on why my action make me look desperate and needy. My heart is in shambles right now. Please don't kick me when I'm already down.

 

Yeah, most of us get that. The answer to your question, why did he treat you like that.....I'm only guessing here, but very likely it's the same reason any person acts deceitfully in a relationship - he's an immature little prick. His mummy has done a crap job of instilling respect for women and manners in him, and the result is a socially inept, emotionally retarded clown. The new girlfriend he brought to the party is just being used too. No guy who respects his girlfriend starts mauling her in front of a crowd of people, especially not for the purpose of winding up an ex-girlfriend. Start seeing him as what he is, a total jerk, and be glad that you're no longer the total jerks girlfriend.

[Redhead14]

Thank you! Someone who understands. I really needed that preraph, thanks for lifting my spirits.

 

No one here doesn't understand where you're coming from and in our heads probably have wanted to do something like that to someone who has hurt us in some way. But, we hold ourselves to higher standards of conduct than those people do for themselves. That is our source of validation and esteem. A woman who remains centered and focused on HER and only herself in times when she is put to the "test" of maintaining grace under fire, can walk with her head held high and regains power for herself over the situation and future difficult positions.

 

And, this guy, himself, actually rose above it when you spoke with him and apologized which says one of 2 possibilities: a) he was not the jerk you thought he was or b) he is demonstrating his ability to tell you what you want to hear which is what you say he was doing all along. He gave you lip service to accomplish what he may think might have been the start of more drama for him and his new girl.

 

I am sorry you're struggling. But, this incident did nothing for you in the long run. It is a temporary satisfaction. You have a long road ahead of you.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Redhead14

[Mbell8970]

No one here doesn't understand where you're coming from and in our heads probably have wanted to do something like that to someone who has hurt us in some way. But, we hold ourselves to higher standards of conduct than those people do for themselves. That is our source of validation and esteem. A woman who remains centered and focused on HER and only herself in times when she is put to the "test" of maintaining grace under fire, can walk with her head held high and regains power for herself over the situation and future difficult positions.

 

And, this guy, himself, actually rose above it when you spoke with him and apologized which says one of 2 possibilities: a) he was not the jerk you thought he was or b) he is demonstrating his ability to tell you what you want to hear which is what you say he was doing all along. He gave you lip service to accomplish what he may think might have been the start of more drama for him and his new girl.

 

I am sorry you're struggling. But, this incident did nothing for you in the long run. It is a temporary satisfaction. You have a long road ahead of you.

 

I said he agreed with me. There was no apology of any kind. What he did was wrong too. And I also said that I did apologize to him and did admit to my mistake. I think I've said quite a few times now in this thread that I realize what I did was a mistake. That doesn't excuse any of the pain, lies, and bull**** that he has put me through these past few months. If you're going to mention the same things over and over again about my mistake, please refrain from commenting.

[Mbell8970]

No one here doesn't understand where you're coming from and in our heads probably have wanted to do something like that to someone who has hurt us in some way. But, we hold ourselves to higher standards of conduct than those people do for themselves. That is our source of validation and esteem. A woman who remains centered and focused on HER and only herself in times when she is put to the "test" of maintaining grace under fire, can walk with her head held high and regains power for herself over the situation and future difficult positions.

 

And, this guy, himself, actually rose above it when you spoke with him and apologized which says one of 2 possibilities: a) he was not the jerk you thought he was or b) he is demonstrating his ability to tell you what you want to hear which is what you say he was doing all along. He gave you lip service to accomplish what he may think might have been the start of more drama for him and his new girl.

 

I am sorry you're struggling. But, this incident did nothing for you in the long run. It is a temporary satisfaction. You have a long road ahead of you.

 

 

Another thing I noticed is you mentioned a few times about how a woman should carry herself. We are all human. We all make mistakes, men and women.

[d0nnivain]

mbell8970

 

 

Redhead14 & I can be a bit direct (OK blunt) sometimes. That doesn't mean we don't care.

 

 

When you post on a public board you are going to get feedback you don't like. It's part of the deal.

 

 

Everybody does understand. Nobody thinks that your EXBF's pre-BU behavior was anything other than horrible. We all also get that you gave into your baser instincts. As I said before if we are honest, many of us would have been tempted.

 

 

In some ways you are lucky he didn't cause more of a scene. You did get to give him a piece of your mind when he called the next day but you are never going to get what you want from him: acknowledgement that he did wrong. Give up on that.

 

 

Let the shame you should be feeling from this propel you forward in a positive way so that you put him in the rearview mirror & move on with your life.

[Redhead14]

Another thing I noticed is you mentioned a few times about how a woman should carry herself. We are all human. We all make mistakes, men and women.

 

A mistake is "oops, I spilled a little of my drink." Not a conscious effort to exact some kind of passive-aggressive revenge trinket for yourself.

 

And, yes, it was a "human" mistake and the way to recover from that kind of mistake is to accept full accountability for it and not become defensive and deflect it back with a "well he did it too" 'tude. This is the way a grown up human mistake is handled.

 

I want you to change this kind of mindset for your own good and for you to develop a better set of conflict resolution skills which is really important for any relationship past or future.

 

The fact, likely remains, that you may see this guy out and about in the future . . . remember that.

[Mbell8970]

A mistake is "oops, I spilled a little of my drink." Not a conscious effort to exact some kind of passive-aggressive revenge trinket for yourself.

 

And, yes, it was a "human" mistake and the way to recover from that kind of mistake is to accept full accountability for it and not become defensive and deflect it back with a "well he did it too" 'tude. This is the way a grown up human mistake is handled.

 

I want you to change this kind of mindset for your own good and for you to develop a better set of conflict resolution skills which is really important for any relationship past or future.

 

The fact, likely remains, that you may see this guy out and about in the future . . . remember that.

 

Redhead14, a mistake by definition is an action or judgement that is wrong. 'Oops I spilled my drink' would be considered an accident. Like I said before, I've already accepted and admitted to it multiple times throughout this thread. It was a revengeful act, no doubt, where in the moment I considered it justifiable.

 

As for his actions, I'm not talking a few little kisses here and there in the corner of the room. I'm talking full-on, open mouth, making out in the middle of the party, in a 500 square foot area where everyone including myself was standing within 5 feet of each other, which occurred multiple times throughout the night.

Considering the breakup and the events leading up to this night, who does that?

 

I'm already beating myself up about my passive aggressive actions.

And you're right, I will see him again in the future and now I know what to expect and what not to do.

[basil67]

As for his actions, I'm not talking a few little kisses here and there in the corner of the room. I'm talking full-on, open mouth, making out in the middle of the party, in a 500 square foot area where everyone including myself was standing within 5 feet of each other, which occurred multiple times throughout the night.

Considering the breakup and the events leading up to this night, who does that?

 

Mbell, you're taking yourself in circles here. The type of person who does this has no empathy for others. You say that your ex has no empathy for others. So it stands to reason that someone like your ex would do this. If he is as you describe him, you're asking too much if you want him to be considerate of your feelings.

 

That said, if he was as awful as you say, why did you hang around waiting three whole months for him to make up his mind? Surely you would have dumped him long ago.

[MountainGirl111]

Best thing you could have done was leave the party when he showed up. But, hindsight's 20-20. Your emotions took over. He sounds like a jerk on steroids anyways, so no great loss? In time you'll see that, perhaps.

[ExpatInItaly]

As for his actions, I'm not talking a few little kisses here and there in the corner of the room. I'm talking full-on, open mouth, making out in the middle of the party, in a 500 square foot area where everyone including myself was standing within 5 feet of each other, which occurred multiple times throughout the night.

Considering the breakup and the events leading up to this night, who does that?

 

 

The very same guy you describe as having no empathy.

[camillalev]

Op he knew exactly what he was doing and there is no excuse for what he did. After 2.5 years he strung you along while he was dating/f*cking another girl.. He completely betrayed your trust and had no regard whatsoever for your feelings, for you. Honestly I cant believe you even kept your cool at all. Calling you babe, then texting you the next day to wag his finger at you - after he LIED to you for MONTHS. Is he is a sociopath??

 

You can believe on top of all of that he knew EXACTLY what he was doing bringing that girl and making sure you saw them together. He wanted you to see. He wanted to hurt you.

 

OP, thank your lucky stars its over. Now he's someone elses problem. I guarantee this thing with this girl wont last and afterward he will probably come crawling back.

[camillalev]

Best thing you could have done was leave the party when he showed up. But, hindsight's 20-20. Your emotions took over. He sounds like a jerk on steroids anyways, so no great loss? In time you'll see that, perhaps.

 

The only thing you did wrong was drip a little liquid on their heads.

 

 

You should have thrown the whole glass at them.

 

He's hurtful and immature. You're just immature..

 

You'll move on. He's not worth it

 

 

Exactly. It's easy for us as objective strangers to sit back, type away on our keyboards to lecture you on how immature your action was, but the truth is not many people would keep a cool, level head in this situation. 2.5 years, then him stringing you along about getting back together then BAM he's in a relationship with someone else. And he has the nerve to prance her out in front of you.

 

This guy is beyond an *******, he sounds narcissistic or sociopathic and deserves at least that.

 

Now I would just try to move on.

[stillafool]

As wrong as I went about it, yes, I do feel like I got a point across. He contacted me the next morning and asked me why I did what I did and told me that I'm 'lucky' he still has respect for me. I apologized and told him that it was wrong and immature of me. But I also said this:

 

 

''You have zero respect for me. You've lied to me and treated me like garbage throughout this entire process. You don't care about my feelings at all and it's clear that you don't see things from my side. Up until this point, I've been nothing but respectful towards your decision and tried my best to understand. If you had just told me from the beginning that this was about you finding someone else or seeing other people, it would have been a lot easier. But you lied and strung me along until you found someone, only to flaunt it in my face the first moment we see each other. That is disrespectful.''

 

 

He agreed with me. And that was it. It felt really good to say those things finally, and even though I didn't need to spill the drink, unfortunately it happened that way. I don't think this makes me a terrible person or a "crazy ex", just someone who's hurting and made a bad choice.

 

 

Anyways, I appreciate all of the advice and I'm going to try harder to move forward now.

 

Good. I'm glad you got your closure.