aquadreams Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I recently met someone new a couple of weeks ago on Coffee Meets Bagel. We're both young adults in graduate/doctoral programs. He and I hit it off well and we really enjoy each other's company. We're both naturally witty people, and we give each other endearing terms (babe, sunshine, etc.). He and I text each other throughout the day and will call each other and talk for hours (2-3 hours approximately) when we're both free. We also Snap each other photos/videos of what we are doing and he always screenshots photos/videos that involve selfies of me. He thinks I'm extremely adorable and has even made a list of things that we should do when we do meet up. (We are currently long distance but I will move closer to his city in two months due to school...) His actions/words indicate that he really does like me and really wants to be in a relationship with me, however I've noticed that he updates his CMB profile pictures every couple of days or so. Some of the pictures he uses are pictures he's sent to me. It makes me wonder whether or not he is still looking for someone out there and isn't satisfied with me. We still haven't discussed exclusivity because it hasn't been a month since we talked and we're still trying to figure the other out. I know he told me he went on a date with another girl a week or so ago (kind of strange he would tell me this?), but he decided not to pursue anything more with her because he felt that their age gap was too wide. (He and I are only 3 years apart which works out.) What should I do with him?
MsJayne Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I think you actually have to meet someone and spend quite a lot of time with them in person before you know whether you're truly compatible or just destined for friendship. No matter how much time you spend chatting on social media, how many photos you've seen of each other, how much you seem to have in common, no one's in a relationship until it's been discussed and agreed that you're a couple. And that brings up the other aspect of your situation. If someone is updating their dating profile then they're still searching, there's no doubt about that. A lot of people on date sites get more of a thrill from searching and getting hit on than they do from being in a relationship, and (sorry), but your guy sounds like he might be one of them. The fact that he told you he'd been on a date with someone is a big red flag to me. I interpret that as him telling you that he likes you but he doesn't see you as potential long-term relationship material, and he obviously isn't out to impress you, or, even worse, he's setting you up for that old chestnut.....sleep with you before saying, "but I made it clear I was seeing other women at the start." Most men are willing put in a LOT of legwork if they're interested in sleeping with a woman, and that includes deliberately misleading the woman until his goal is achieved. My advice would be to not take him too seriously no matter what he says, because he's shown his hand by dating that other woman. Even when you meet and he's all fun and flirting and being Mr Perfect....I'd be careful about trusting him or having any expectations of him.
Maggie4 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Right, so with online dating, I think there is a talk people have about removing or suspending profiles at some point. That's an exclusivity thing. He is not there yet, as he's still going on dates recently. But at least he's open and honest with you about it. Quit monitoring his activities on that site. Just know that as long as his profile is still active, he will be using it, and he is dating. You know that already. Who knows, when you meet up you might not like him, so why shouldn't he date? 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I think it is safe to assume that he is having similar conversations and saving selfies of other women he is interested in. Things might change once you have met, but then again, they might not. At some point you will need to tell him exactly what you are looking for in regards to a relationship and exclusivity. In the meantime, enjoy the conversations with him but try not to read too much into it or get too invested because despite his sweet words, his actions are actually telling you things between you aren't serious from his perspective because he is still pursuing other women. 1
starrynight4321 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Let me break down the unfortunate reality here for you - he is doing the texting, chatting, snap chat thing with multiple girls every single day. That is the nature of online dating - the absolute worst and least productive method of dating known to mankind. A man that openly tells you he's dating another woman (when you haven't asked, when it's not a talk about exclusivity) is not a man who is really taking you seriously. He doesn't care if you know. In fact, he wants you to know so that you're not assuming you're the only one. We often make the mistake of assuming that because someone is texting us for several hours that they aren't talking to other people. Think about it though - if you're in your 20s-30s, I'd bet you text MULTIPLE people each and every day. It takes seconds and you can text 5 different people at the same time, no sweat. Don't assume you're the only one. On top of that, he is actively updating his profile. Why? Please put yourself in th other person's shoes. If it were you - why would YOU continue to add new pictures? Because you're still using the app/searching for dates, right? Bingo. I would continue to see him but also look for other guys to date. If things continue to go well, then you can talk about where he's at and what he's looking for. In general, you are wasting your time with OLD but at least talk to him at some point about what you each want. Otherwise, you're just wasting time indefinitely. Also, you two haven't even met yet. If he's indicating he wants a relationship with you, he's got red flags going up everywhere. You need to actually meet him in person and get to know who he is before you decide if you want a relationship. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 It makes me wonder whether or not he is still looking for someone out there and isn't satisfied with me. We still haven't discussed exclusivity You just answered your own question. You are not exclusive and he is obviously dating others. Not sure what you're looking for here? Yes he is dating others. But you know this already because he told you straight up that he went on another date last week..? If you want him to "date" you exclusively then you need to talk to him about it. Although I don't think he'll be down with that since he is dating others in the real world and you're simply a long distance acquaintance whom he hasn't even met yet. 4
kendahke Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) I know he told me he went on a date with another girl a week or so ago (kind of strange he would tell me this?), but he decided not to pursue anything more with her because he felt that their age gap was too wide. (He and I are only 3 years apart which works out.) What should I do with him? You haven't met in person; therefore you're nebulous to him at the moment. May change if you do move for school, but it may not. He's probably calling other women he's chatting to the same pet names, so don't think that's reserved only for you. What he'll do with you is what he'll do with others. Consider him a casual dating partner who is free to keep pursuing whomever he wishes because he's not in a committed relationship with you and hasn't told you he wants one with you. You're a friend for now that he's maintaining transparency with so you don't get the wrong idea and start investing in an artificial construct you want to build around him. I suggest you keep your dating profile updated, too, and keep going on dates. He doesn't appear to want to "lock you down". Edited June 12, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author aquadreams Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your responses. He has told me numerous times that he would take me out on a date if we were in each others' cities, but because we can't physically see each other at this moment in time, we're planning on it in the future. In the meantime, I think he's looking at other prospects because of the distance. I'm not dating anyone in my own city at this point only because I'm not planning on coming back here anytime soon. (And I'm looking for a long-term relationship; he does as well especially since he's at a point where he wants to start settling down.) I am dating other people as well, but out of all the people I'm dating he seems to be the most "promising". (Plus for me, it's really hard for me to date multiple people at once... it's just not my style and it's hard to keep track of everyone.) I'm thinking that probably out of all the people he's talking to (if any), I'm also the most promising to him. He has told me he's pretty picky with who he dates/goes out with and will let the other person know clearly if he doesn't want to talk/see them anymore. I plan on doing the exclusivity talk maybe once I actually meet and go out with him. He does inform me what he does during the day; I know he goes out with his family a lot and he is currently in his final year of med school (so he's constantly studying most of the day). Yesterday, he studied all day (he has a big exam coming up) and said he was looking forward to talking to me once he finished what he needed to do. We talked for about 3 hours until his phone died and we texted for another half an hour afterwards (he basically stayed up until 4 AM to talk to me). He tells me that he thinks about me a lot and the more he talks to me, the more he thinks I'm an amazing person. It's really hard to imagine that he really is talking to other people, especially because of his busy lifestyle/he responds to my texts fairly quickly/we talk on the phone for hours and he doesn't seem distracted? I know that if I told him I'm not interested in him romantically, he would tell me that I was leading him on. I mean, we did meet on a dating site...
PegNosePete Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I'm thinking that probably out of all the people he's talking to (if any), I'm also the most promising to him. How do you know that? You have no idea. You haven't even MET yet! It's really hard to imagine that he really is talking to other people You don't have to imagine it because he has told you quite plainly that he is dating others. I mean, we did meet on a dating site... You didn't meet at all, yet. Please remember you should never get emotionally involved with someone you've never met! People can be very different in real life than they seem online. If you get emotionally invested in this guy then chances are you're going to get hurt. Sure there are a few stories of online love turning into a real life relationship but they are few and far between. There are far more stories of "oh he seemed so cool online but..." 2
kendahke Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 It's really hard to imagine that he really is talking to other people, especially because of his busy lifestyle/he responds to my texts fairly quickly/we talk on the phone for hours and he doesn't seem distracted? No, it's not really. It's perfectly within the realm of possibility AND probability. The plain truth of this is: you only know as much about him as he's let you know about him--the rest of what you think you know is what your fantasies have been telling you. You have absolutely no real, in person, face-to-face experience with this man but you think you know him? You only know what he's led you to believe, not necessarily the truth. People make time to do what they want to do. Period. Meaning: his busy lifestyle/him responding to your texts fairly quickly/talking on the phone for hours and not seeming distracted doesn't mean he's not doing the same with others. You're all ready to throw completely in with him based only on what you've constructed and not even near what HIS reality is. I know that if I told him I'm not interested in him romantically, he would tell me that I was leading him on. I mean, we did meet on a dating site... Dating sites--where 1 in every 10 profiles is a scammer. Meeting is done in person, not over texts/phone calls.
Whodatdog Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your responses. He has told me numerous times that he would take me out on a date if we were in each others' cities, but because we can't physically see each other at this moment in time, we're planning on it in the future. In the meantime, I think he's looking at other prospects because of the distance. I'm not dating anyone in my own city at this point only because I'm not planning on coming back here anytime soon. (And I'm looking for a long-term relationship; he does as well especially since he's at a point where he wants to start settling down.) I am dating other people as well, but out of all the people I'm dating he seems to be the most "promising". (Plus for me, it's really hard for me to date multiple people at once... it's just not my style and it's hard to keep track of everyone.) I'm thinking that probably out of all the people he's talking to (if any), I'm also the most promising to him. He has told me he's pretty picky with who he dates/goes out with and will let the other person know clearly if he doesn't want to talk/see them anymore. I plan on doing the exclusivity talk maybe once I actually meet and go out with him. He does inform me what he does during the day; I know he goes out with his family a lot and he is currently in his final year of med school (so he's constantly studying most of the day). Yesterday, he studied all day (he has a big exam coming up) and said he was looking forward to talking to me once he finished what he needed to do. We talked for about 3 hours until his phone died and we texted for another half an hour afterwards (he basically stayed up until 4 AM to talk to me). He tells me that he thinks about me a lot and the more he talks to me, the more he thinks I'm an amazing person. It's really hard to imagine that he really is talking to other people, especially because of his busy lifestyle/he responds to my texts fairly quickly/we talk on the phone for hours and he doesn't seem distracted? I know that if I told him I'm not interested in him romantically, he would tell me that I was leading him on. I mean, we did meet on a dating site... You are living in la la land. You havent even met him yet and you're already planning on telling him you want to be exclusive? You know nothing about him. You need to actually be with someone for a period of time before you can even think of being exclusive...if he even wants it. You'd better slow down. 1
kendahke Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Remember the title of your thread here--he's keeps updating his profile, even though he's saying all these lovey-dovey things to you. That means he's still baiting his hook and dropping the line into the water near where he is. It's easy to talk lovey-dovey to someone who doesn't live near you; logistics keeps them at bay for you. Keep your expectations in line with what is actually the case here: a stranger whose mannerisms, character and lifestyle you know nothing about outside of what little he's told you about himself.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Welcome to online dating sweetie. This is how the game is played for better or worse. First thing, stop stalking him. Second, keep your expectations in check. Third, keep yourself open to other possibilities until there is reason not to. Good luck.
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