caring guy Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Hi all In a nutshell, i've been dating for 16 months a girl of 29, i'm 30, sghe has 2 kids. We always laugh together, feel very relaxed around & complacency on my behalf set in. We're not perfect, i like a drink, she doesn't, she likes shopping, i don't, things like that, but it has been difficult lately, she's thought i don't make her feel special, i take her for granted, although i always buy flowers & tell her i love her. All our probs have been between ourselves! Recently she needed space, not wanted me to stay as many nights & she just felt a little colder to me, as i admitedly have her! She went out on a very rare occurance with her sister & a bloke chatted to her, he made her feel special, they swapped email, had dinner, she invited him to hers & they kissed, but she told him she couldn't do anything else because she was thinking of me! During this time i've been making an effort (whilst her 3 meetings with him were going on) & it makes me feel physicaly sick when i go to her house to look after her pets as she's on hols with family! She's told me this because she had marks on her neck, or she wouldn't till after the holliday. She said she wants to believe i'll change & we can carry on in the future, because she fancys me like mad most of the time, just as i say recently we've argued a lot. She'l return on 13th, she's told me she don't know her head is mixed, up, but i'm due to look after her kids when she starts university in Sept & i've said 'Actions speak louder than words' & i'm 100% commited now. I won't obviously want her seeingb him on her return, she said we'll talk but i'm so confused, hurt & heartbroken. How do i get these picture out of my mind, of him kissing her neck in our lounge! & she invited him, i never did anything that bad to her! She said he seems comited, he's 22 & she's seen him 3 times & she has 2 kids of 6 & 11, what do you all think! & what should i do? Cheers CG
Cecelius Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 She's you girlfriend (I think) She "kissed" (hooked up and got hickeys from) another guy Blamed it on you (because you don't make her feel "special") And wants you to look after her kids... Show her the door, and really fast -- very trampy
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by caring guy i've been dating for 16 months a girl of 29, i'm 30, sghe has 2 kids. She is looking to get married.. Come on 16 months... I think you are going to get the commit or your out speech. and rightfully so. She has 2 kids and you are non-committal.. Either ask her to marry you or lose her..if you haven't already
alphamale Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 your'e too nice....institute strict NC and don't do anything she says. start misbehaving and all that stuff. then she'll come back. seems to me you've been playing the role of doormat. stop it!
crazy_grl Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 First off, everything to follow assumes that she said she needed space and that seeing other people had been agreed on prior to her meeting the other guy. If that's not the case, she's a cheater and you should walk. I think Fly could be right. I also think Alpha has a point (though I would advise against the misbehaving). Reasons I think she might want marriage: Originally posted by caring guy - complacency on my behalf set in. - but it has been difficult lately, she's thought i don't make her feel special, i take her for granted, although i always buy flowers & tell her i love her. - She said he seems comited, he's 22 & she's seen him 3 times Those are all screaming that the woman wants to get married. But if she thinks a 22 yr old is committed after 3 dates, she's got a lot to learn. She might not believe it though and is just saying it get you to clue in. I hope not, because those kinds of things are childish. It's a lot easier when people just come out and say what they want. Now you're acting like her free house keeper and babysitter while she runs around with a 22 year old and giving her the impression that she can walk all over you. Stop doing that. She can have all the space she wants, but if she's seeing another guy, you're perfectly justified to stop seeing her. Maybe the reason she decided to start seeing him is because you're too much of a push-over and she doesn't want to be with you, BUT I think she's been dropping marriage hints that you aren't getting. She's starting to think you're a lost cause. Part of the problem here is that she's not being honest about what she wants. Maybe you're not asking either. It sounds like you are, but she's just telling you that you're taking her for granted without letting you know how you can make her feel otherwise. But just because she's not telling you doesn't mean you can't ask. Let her know that you're not going to stick around while she's with other guys. Then ask her to tell you how you can make her feel like you're not taking her for granted. You might need to do a bit of prodding. If she can't tell you, leave, because you're going to continue to have this type of problem. I'd hate to see how you'd feel if the solution to her problems once you were married was to take some space and find another guy. Of course, you could surprise her with a wedding proposal, but that would be really s***ty for you if it turned out that wasn't what she was after and it wouldn't solve the communication problem either.
Cecelius Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Whether it was cheating or not, I highly doubt that she was getting it on with the other guy whilst envisioning a white wedding dress and an engagement ring from you... That she may be husband hunting alone is reason to dump her. You're a man, not a car model or a job to be chosen from.
Author caring guy Posted August 5, 2005 Author Posted August 5, 2005 Thanks all Cecilius, i think ur right about me being more assertive & showing her the door. Crazy grl She said the relationship & hit such a rock bottom & i'd been selfish in what i wanted to do in the past that if someone came up to her & she liked, she would! She says she didn't plan at all to go on the pull! I am very generous & do lots for her & sometimes feel taken for granted myself, but i hate conflict as raised voices get us nowhere & end up going down other streets into the argument! I told her tonight, that it's him or me, she says she will see him & we must trust, like i'll keep up my side of the bargain by being more affectionate & making her feel wanted & cutting down the wine & she'l just meet in a public place with him & she thinks she has to decide between the 2 of us! Yet, she says we are in a relationship thats on the rocks & they are friends. We've said we need to talk much more & instead of being shy about asking what is neded to make feel special, to ask! She knows she's done wrong, but here this! She thinks 16 months of arguing over my bad habits, my annoyances she sees & mistakes i've admitadly made, sometimes being cold & taking for granted, gives her warranty to give me 16 months of 2 timing! & she sees this as understandable, as it's like we'd both be even then! She does want commitment from me now, & i wanna give it, i love her kids & get on with them & am used to them, not an easy thing taking on others kids!, has took me time, i admit! & coincidentaly, he likes everything she does, camping & the habits i have, he says are bad & he doesn't have these! Is this just me, or is he agreeing with her to win her over!!, i'm not a fly on the wall, these could be genuine, but what do you think! The balls in my court, she's back next friday, i'll see her first & we'll talk, it may take time for us to get back on track, it may take a fiew romantic dinners, but i aint sharing her! & i'm calling her bluff, i don't wanna lose her, but it's 16 months down the drain, she knows what i've said, she loves me, so whats it to be! & her mums on my side
Cecelius Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 She's not 2 timing you (she WAS cheating on you but not now). Now she is saying that she basically is out of the formal relationship (unless you shape up to her satisfaction) AND she's going to see the other guy. You just been made into a F--k Buddy (if that -- more of a baby-sitting buddy). Do you really want to bother to compete for the attentions of a high maintenence, emotionally opportunistic, cheating woman? And I don't even want to touch the "meeting him in a public place..."
Spooon69 Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 She wants 16 months of seeing another guy while she is "with" you because that would make you even... Lose her, for the sake of all men, break up with her.
Author caring guy Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 I don't understand the logic either! She now wants me as a friend, to do stuff occasionally, she still speaks to ex's on msn, what will this guy she's seeing think!!! She's slated me lately, trying to push me away, not a good word! She loves me as a friend, wants to meet me occasionally, wants to text, & call, feels cold emotionally towards me, we're not friends, she don't want me in her house until we are, but we're having coffee tommorow.
Markyboy Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 all the signs are there........acting cold and weird, and another guy on the scene........she will try and use you
crazy_grl Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 I believe I read in one of your other threads that there wasn't an agreement to see other people and she just picked up this guy behind your back. That means she's a cheater. And she's very selfish. Who cares if she didn't intend to, she still did it. If you had both agreed to see other people before hand, it would be a different matter. No matter what you did, how complacent you were, or how you didn't make her feel special, unless you were abusing her, her actions are completely unjustified. Her dating another man while you put all your efforts into her is not a compromise. She comes out ahead by having the attention of two men, and you get nothing but heartache. Be done with her and try to be glad she's out of your life, because she'll only bring you more pain.
Author caring guy Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Hi all & thanks Crazy grl, there was no agreement to seeing others whilst a seperation or space, she continualy justifys her right to have done this, only that she regrets not dumping me prior! Maybe i should make my problems more known & maybe you will agree more to hers side! I'm having therapy for an alcohol problem & i take anti-anxiety meds!, she wants a secure future for her & her kids, she doesn't want someone to hinder her & become like a 3rd child as she puts it! I just get panic attacks & general anxiety, i worry, i'm sensitive & emotional, i can't help it, it's me! The drink was something i did to self medicate & found out it was doing me no good & caused friction, now i'm doing something about it! I only drank whilst cooking & after a run to wind down, but my maneurisms changed, i was never violent or abusive, just withdrawn, cold & pigheaded. She understandably thinks that a future with the current me wouldn't be fruitful for her & family. Ok, sometimes i didn't make the effort, was complacent, thought she would never leave me, didn't hear her warnings! I know & admit i did wrong, but now is too late to do anything about it! I was stupid & have become wiser! Thing is, all she says to me sounds as if she's in her right to have done what she's done!, all her friends say she's better off without & all my friends & family say i am! Never the less, all i've had from her is slating me, about my problems, little things i've done e.g like i'd always cook us a meal at night, something exotic(i'm a chef) & the kids would eat after school, something simple, only now is she using the "you never thought about cooking for us all thing", when i assumed, maybe lack of communication, that what i was doing was ok!, criticised me for seeing a councelor & why i can't overcome my probs myself, like she did! I mean, who the hell is right. Yet, she still wants to see me & be in contact, email or whatever, i just know from "Todays experience" that i'll post about later, it needs time until i meet her again! By the way Crazy grl, i love your signature, soo true!!
nyr_fan Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 I really think you should not let this woman have all the time in the world to "choose" between you two. She knows that she has that option and she is using it to her advantage. It's not right. You two are already in a relationship together, and to give her opportunities to continue to "meet" this guy, whether it's a public place or not is not going to solve anything. I know it hurts, but I think you should do NO CONTACT. Let her know how you will not let her do whatever she wants until she makes up her mind. Let her start to miss you and realize what she has. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but this is the best way to see if she really cares. Hang in there.
Author caring guy Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 I doubt she'l miss me realy, he has better prospects, less baggage & today we had a row which was horrible, we met to exchange stuff & walked & it was too soon since the parting, i felt my feeelings & it came up in conversation & arguments started & we said things that neither of us mean, in anger. I feel i need to appologise, she just wanted a nice walk & a coffee, but it was just too raw for me, especially as she's with another, uuugh! Can't stop thinking of our good times!
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