greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 (edited) Ok LS. I have a problem. Some of my family members book group vacations, and my ex already paid up $1100 for her portion of the trip, but then broke up with me a week later. I only paid $200 but haven't Paid on anymore because I was not sure if I should still go because it may be emotional hell after the trip. My ex has been reaching out to me throughout the last couple of months trying to talk of getting back together, but I haven't been really ready to meet and see her yet. I've chosen to remain focused on healing and told her that I didn't feel as if I should go back for a band-aid fix and our problems still be there. She even offered to pay my portion of the trip, but I don't want to feel indebted to her because although I miss her, I don't want to go back into that after our breakup and I'm still healing. But the trip is getting closer and I only have this week to give my final answer to my cousin. I'm worried because she's not going to want to go without me because that's my family but I think if I go, I may end up hurt and confused, especially after not seeing her for 2 months. Edited June 11, 2017 by greystone08
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I get she's already paid, but she really should not be taking vacations with your family. She forfeited that right when she broke up with you. Personally, I find it strange she doesn't see something wrong with the fact that she still intends on going. I just don't think anything good will come of you two being on holiday together. If she is insistent on still going, I would not join. You will probably not have a good time at all.
Author greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 She paid in full a week before we broke up. I had paid $200, bit nothing else. The $$$ is non-refundable so she's kind of stuck. Since I convinced her to get her passport for the trip while we were together, I'm wondering of I should just agree to go with her as friends and tell her that we are not back together.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 She paid in full a week before we broke up. I had paid $200, bit nothing else. The $$$ is non-refundable so she's kind of stuck. Since I convinced her to get her passport for the trip while we were together, I'm wondering of I should just agree to go with her as friends and tell her that we are not back together. Yes, I realize that. I still think it's inappropriate that she's actually going. This is your family, not hers. Sometimes we have to cut our losses, and this would have been an ideal time for her to do just that and accept that she lost the money. Honestly, I think you're fooling yourself if you believe you two can really go and be "just friends". If you haven't even been ready to see her, how do you anticipate spending uninterrupted time together on a family holiday is going to go? Hint: not well. It will be total mind-f*ck for you. I have a feeling she's hinting at getting back together just so she won't have to go on this trip alone; once you get back, you will probably find yourself single again. For context, how long were you together and why did she break up with you?
JS84 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I'm trying to figure out how any of this is your problem. The fact that she decided to drop over a grand on that trip a week before breaking up with you was just stupid on her part. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't go. You're only out $200 and missing one family vacation isn't going to ruin your life. Let her go on the trip by herself, although honestly I have no idea why she'd want to if you broke up and it's not even her family, and keep focusing on your healing and getting past her. Going on holiday with your ex-girlfriend IMO would be a bad move. But at the end of the day it's your call. 2
Author greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 We were together for 3 years. She broke up or left the house everytime we got into an argument, or even would threaten. There was no cheating or physical abuse involved. This last argument, I said that she makes some bs statements when I'm trying to talk, (and yes, i did say the word). While i what i said may have not been nice, i didnt raise my voice. Shes said far worse things to me too and ive taken it. This last time, I just decided that it was just best we stay broken up for good because I was tired of going through the same circles, so I didn't chase this tI'm like I had in the past.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 We were together for 3 years. She broke up or left the house everytime we got into an argument, or even would threaten. There was no cheating or physical abuse involved. This last argument, I said that she makes some bs statements when I'm trying to talk, (and yes, i did say the word). While i what i said may have not been nice, i didnt raise my voice. Shes said far worse things to me too and ive taken it. This last time, I just decided that it was just best we stay broken up for good because I was tired of going through the same circles, so I didn't chase this tI'm like I had in the past. And do you not see how going on holiday together will essentially reset all of that? It sounds like you did the right thing finally calling it day on this relationship. It wasn't working and sounds like it had become too toxic. Tell her it's her tough luck that she paid for a holiday and then broke up with you again. Not your problem to fix.
Author greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Thanks Expatinitaly and js84. I think when she broke up, she thought that I was going to run after her and try to stop her like I had been doing, but finally I said, "enough is enough". She doesn't even seem worth it anymore. Or maybe she just got too much into her feelings at the moment, she really did want to break up but changed her mind when it got too painful. I was with her when she lost her mother due to cancer in January 2016, so I gave her a pass on alot of that stuff.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Have your family return her money & be done with it. You go if you want. Stay home if you want. Under no circumstances should she be vacationing with your family now that you two are broken up. They should have returned her money within a week or 2 of the BU. 1
Whodatdog Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I think you should just give up the idea of going on this trip, even though you will lose $200. Let her decide if she wants to go or not, she has more invested than you do. If she goes, fine, if she doesnt go, thats fine too. At least you wont have to deal with her, either way.
Author greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Have your family return her money & be done with it. You go if you want. Stay home if you want. Under no circumstances should she be vacationing with your family now that you two are broken up. They should have returned her money within a week or 2 of the BU. The money is non refundable
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 The money is non refundable No it's not. Even if you can't get her costs back from whomever, your family needs to realize that their share of the vacation just got more expensive. They need to take up a collection to give her her money back. Since you haven't paid, if you pay, then you give that money to her. If there are airline tickets involved, she can eat all but the change fee. I really don't understand why your family is willing to let your EX still come. That makes zero sense. 2
JuneL Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I actually think you guys should split the loss, so perhaps you want to give her (1100+200)/2-200=450 back? She was immature and trying to "break up" to get a reaction from you, but you're the one who didn't cave in this time. I don't think it's fair for your family to be responsible for the loss caused by your drama.
Author greystone08 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 With me backing out of my share, my cousin revealed to me that it would cost him $400. I'm not sure how these travel agencies work, but he gets a group rate, everyone pays. My cousin and his wife might get to travel for free, I'm not for sure.
salparadise Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 You could give her a refund (less $200) and take her place. 1
Author greystone08 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Well I just called and told my ex that I was not going on the trip. I told her that I needed to be around for my grandma because her arthritis was acting up and she wasnt getting around very well, and had some upcoming appointments I needed to assist her with. I offered to refund her half the $$$ up front and pay her in payments until the entire $1100 is paid up if she didn't want to go. She said, "That's alright. I already I paid my $$!." She then said, "it's only 4 days, it's not like you would be gone a long time." She then began crying saying I didn't care about her and just I just wanted to be single. She asked, " well why did you even call me? Why Don't You Just Leave Me alone?" I began feeling guilty but I now know she was counting on this as an opportunity to get back together. So confused. I even just thought about saying #/!! It and just going. 1
Author greystone08 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 If anyone has some thoughts into our conversation, they would be really appreciated. Hearing her cry and replaying what she said was hell
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) If anyone has some thoughts into our conversation, they would be really appreciated. Hearing her cry and replaying what she said was hell She's manipulative, and knows exactly what to say and do to make you feel bad for her. You're buying into it, and still pandering to her by not just being 100% honest and telling her it would be awkward and uncomfortable being on holidays when you're not a couple anymore. That's all there is to it. Edited June 12, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 3
PegNosePete Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Hearing her cry and replaying what she said was hell Agree with Expat, she is pulling your strings and knows exactly when to turn on the waterworks to get what she wants from you. You've offered to refund her money and she declined. Now you have absolutely no reason to ever talk to her again. She even asked you to just leave her alone. This is her one request that you should follow. 1
Maldives Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Ok LS. I have a problem. Some of my family members book group vacations, and my ex already paid up $1100 for her portion of the trip, but then broke up with me a week later. I only paid $200 but haven't Paid on anymore because I was not sure if I should still go because it may be emotional hell after the trip. My ex has been reaching out to me throughout the last couple of months trying to talk of getting back together, but I haven't been really ready to meet and see her yet. I've chosen to remain focused on healing and told her that I didn't feel as if I should go back for a band-aid fix and our problems still be there. She even offered to pay my portion of the trip, but I don't want to feel indebted to her because although I miss her, I don't want to go back into that after our breakup and I'm still healing. But the trip is getting closer and I only have this week to give my final answer to my cousin. I'm worried because she's not going to want to go without me because that's my family but I think if I go, I may end up hurt and confused, especially after not seeing her for 2 months. U owe her nothing dude she broke up wth u she made that decision knowing full well about the trip I wouldn't go ur already sensing it's not gonna be a good thing for u so don't why to make her feel better remember she ripped ur heart out I'm the same even though they dumped us i too feel sorry for the ex even tho she treated me like **** after the break up. We need to remember that how we were treated before do them any favours I wouldmy go
Author greystone08 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 She actually has been trying to make moves 2 weeks after we broke up and trying to meet up and go on dates like we used to. She even apologized to me for breaking up. I didnt want to go get sucked back in that whirlpool and start doing things like we used to and pretending like we're still a couple. So I never agreed to meet up and told her I wasn't ready. Honestly, I don't even know how she can say "why did you even call me? Why don't you just leave me alone?" She's the one who calls me most of the time. This was literally my 2nd phonecall to her in the last 2 months. I wasn't 100% honest with her because she's not the type to have an adult conversation. She still would've cried, she still wouldve said all those things, she still wouldve blamed. So I said, what's the point? I'm not with her anymore so I don't owe her anything. I really didn't even have to call. I opted for the less dramatic way to get out of it and she still had a fit. I was actually thinking about going, but I would've had to pay extra to get our rooms separate.
Whodatdog Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Do. Not. Go. DO NOT GO Get past this, you told her you werent going, you now know she wants you to go so she can get back with you. You gave her options, she refused them. Now dont call her again, and dont answer her calls. and DONT GO> 1
JuneL Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I think you made the right decision to "accept" her breakup. She was obviously trying to use it as a weapon to get a reaction from you, but you didn't take the bait this time. She sounds very immature and a lot of drama. I also applaud you for offering to give her the full refund. 1
Author greystone08 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Thank you all for the support. If this was the right decision to not go on the trip, then why do I feel so crappy about it? Why am I hurt and bothered by her crying and the things she said to me yesterday? Her saying that I don't care about her and me wanting to be single still messes with me.
JuneL Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Thank you all for the support. If this was the right decision to not go on the trip, then why do I feel so crappy about it? Why am I hurt and bothered by her crying and the things she said to me yesterday? Her saying that I don't care about her and me wanting to be single still messes with me. Because she has successfully guilt tripped you! So what if you want to be single?
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