Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Hello! Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and ive always had some small complaints, but that is true with most relationships. However, its gotten to the point where i am getting frustrated. I went back to college in september, and im starting university in a few months, despite an autoimmune condition which i will suffer with for life. I think the frustration is coming from my new found ambition. I just cannot stand his attitude anymore, and it is causing multiple problems: 1. He constantly complains about everything, to the point it makes me nervous about doing anything with him because i get excited and he spends the day whining about how he doesnt like it. We go out for dinner, he complains about the food or the service isnt fast enough etc even when there isnt an issue. We went to a trampoline park with my friends for my last birthday as a bit of fun, and he spend the week leading up to it complaing about how he will probably not like. 2. Since we met, he's been complaining about his job. I have tried listening and sympathising, giving him advice but with any suggestion for an improvement theres always an excuse. But then theres more complaining. He will occasionally apply for a job, but not bother writing a cover letter like it requests, or not call someone back after an interveiw. He was put up for a promotion to become store manager and pulled out of it saying 'he didnt want to be stuck there' which doesnt make sense as he never tries anyway. 3. He has always said he has trouble with motivation, and ive tried being understanding but to be honest, he seems lazy at this point. I have to remind him to clean his own house, or he wont. He promises to take me out, and says he's too tired. He says he's signing up for an online course, and stopped bothering after a week. At a point in my life that im moving forwards, i dont want to be held back. I love him and he is supportive, kind and caring, but i cant look past his attitude and complete unwillingness to improve himself even when he is unhappy. And the way things are now, its not the kind of person i want in my future. Sorry it was such a long post, any advice would me appreciated.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 These are all valid reasons to end a relationship with someone and I know how you feel. I recently ended a relationship because I got tired of the negative and pessimism too. (Although to be fair, it was also kindof mutual because he was tired of my lack of follow-through on some things). All valid reasons. 1
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Thankyou, the thing is i dont know if i want to end it. I just want to make him at least try, but i used to think it was a minor problem, now it seems as its a set part of his personality and i cant try and change him. Is there any point in hoping for an improvement or shall i stop wasting my time?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Thankyou, the thing is i dont know if i want to end it. I just want to make him at least try, but i used to think it was a minor problem, now it seems as its a set part of his personality and i cant try and change him. Is there any point in hoping for an improvement or shall i stop wasting my time? Have you discussed the negativity and complaining with him? Has he indicated he wants to change this and has he tried? How old is he? My boyfriend was almost 50, so by that age, he was really hard-wired to see the world as he did, and even though he wanted to change, I knew that the way we reacted to adversity was never going to match and I just couldn't be with someone like that.
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Have you discussed the negativity and complaining with him? Has he indicated he wants to change this and has he tried? How old is he? My boyfriend was almost 50, so by that age, he was really hard-wired to see the world as he did, and even though he wanted to change, I knew that the way we reacted to adversity was never going to match and I just couldn't be with someone like that. Multiple times, he knows how much of a negative impact its having on me, and how important this time is for me. He said he wants to try but whenevr he does, there will be a week where he half heartedly applied for jobs (missing the cover letters etc like i mentioned), cleans half his house once, and then everything goes back to 'normal'. He's 24. Im 20, it just feels like i need someone equally as ambition and willing to try. I was hospitalised for 2 years of my life, did most of my studies from home and ive had to put in so much work to get where i am now, where i can keep studying and end up with a good future. It annoys me that he hasnt had these set backs and isnt getting anywhere just because he isnt bothering. 1
BluEyeL Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 People don't change . My ex was like that. It really wears you down . You're young you're should leave and try to find someone with a personality easier to deal with. 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I agree with prior poster..... Have you even sat down and talked to him about this ???
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 People don't change . My ex was like that. It really wears you down . You're young you're should leave and try to find someone with a personality easier to deal with. Thankyou. I dont want to leave, but im starting to wonder if i can actually make myself stay
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 I agree with prior poster..... Have you even sat down and talked to him about this ??? Yes, a lot lately. Nothing seems to change for long, though he said he wants to theres always excuses.
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 YOU can't make him change. YOU can't make him want things he doesn't want, have ambuition, work harder, or change his attitude. Only HE can do these things. The only thing you control is whether you want this man, as he is now, in your life. And if the answer is no, then you have some decisions to make. Good luck. 4
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 YOU can't make him change. YOU can't make him want things he doesn't want, have ambuition, work harder, or change his attitude. Only HE can do these things. The only thing you control is whether you want this man, as he is now, in your life. And if the answer is no, then you have some decisions to make. Good luck. Very true, thankyou x
Versacehottie Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 At a point in my life that im moving forwards, i dont want to be held back. I love him and he is supportive, kind and caring, but i cant look past his attitude and complete unwillingness to improve himself even when he is unhappy. And the way things are now, its not the kind of person i want in my future. Sorry it was such a long post, any advice would me appreciated. Hello, you don't need any advice. You have the answer. Right there above in your own words ^^^^^ These kind of people will hold you back and 99% of the time ruin any occasion with their constant complaining. If there is no legitimate reason to keep them in your life, there is no reason to. You are at a crossroads. Take the road that will lead you where you want your life to go. Good luck 1
InvisiBlonde Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Thankyou, the thing is i dont know if i want to end it. I just want to make him at least try, but i used to think it was a minor problem, now it seems as its a set part of his personality and i cant try and change him. Is there any point in hoping for an improvement or shall i stop wasting my time? I am preparing to leave a twenty-two-year relationship with a man I think of as A Black Hole Of Negativity. I remember with longing the days of being able to OMG anticipate -- with "HAPPINESS" -- the things I had planned to do. You will wear a rut around yourself going to ever-more-dramatic lengths to find just one thing that will light him up or even, after a while, elicit just even one smile. You will be emotionally and physically exhausted and a shadow of your former self. (I suspect that every little voice inside you is urging you to RUN RUN RUN. I will add my big voice to that lot!) I would research Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotionally-Abusive relationships. You have everything going for you now. He won't rest until he's somehow just ruined it all. The suffering from stuff he outright destroys is nowhere near so bad as it is over that which he defiles and sullies.
Author Lunalunalu Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Hello, you don't need any advice. You have the answer. Right there above in your own words ^^^^^ These kind of people will hold you back and 99% of the time ruin any occasion with their constant complaining. If there is no legitimate reason to keep them in your life, there is no reason to. You are at a crossroads. Take the road that will lead you where you want your life to go. Good luck You are right thankyou x its a shame really, for now he is great but my future is so much more important
basil67 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 You are right thankyou x its a shame really, for now he is great but my future is so much more important It's not just about your immediate future either. Your long term future with a person like this would grow to be even more intolerable than it is now. 2
Versacehottie Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 You are right thankyou x its a shame really, for now he is great but my future is so much more important Maybe you leaving will be the wakeup call he needs. That said, if he comes back around, make sure it's not just lip service when he says he's changed. Look for evidence: in his accomplishments, his ambition, his plans and execution of said plans and how he speaks and views the world on a daily basis (with some sort of trial period--a long one--as friends). Usually people that are negative at heart cannot switch that off. They may be able to do it for a period in time but then revert to their old habits. When you are breaking up with him, make sure you let him know what the issues are. If you care about him, it can be your parting gift Getting his stuff together with regard to career will probably come as his grows up a bit and knows what he wants to do. A lot of guys will rebel and procrastinate mainly because they are scared and don't know WHAT to do with themselves. The negative complaining, not so much. Usually people i know like that stay that way and get worse over time--especially about the stuff you mentioned. I wouldn't sign up for a life like that. No way. Some people think it's their job to be a critic and fail to enjoy the good things around them. It creates a resentful vibe between two people that usually just grows. I think of this saying a lot--it is not good to try to bond with someone over all the things you don't like & are going wrong. That's not bonding material. It drives people away from the person. Always much much much better to bond over the things you like. Not to say a person has to live life inauthentically but after a while it's just white noise & has no real impact except to turn you off toward that person. It certainly doesn't seem to serve a real purpose. Needless to say, these type of people usually have NO idea how much, to what extent and what a life suck it is that they do their complaining so definitely tell him when you break up--that might be his only chance to fix himself for the next person or if he tries to come back to you. Good luck
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Thankyou, the thing is i dont know if i want to end it. I just want to make him at least try, but i used to think it was a minor problem, now it seems as its a set part of his personality and i cant try and change him. Is there any point in hoping for an improvement or shall i stop wasting my time? do you feel he si depressed?.his lack of motivation is he always been that way... i know relationships go through up and down periods where its good and where its ....not so good even really rough to handle the waters........and you can if you love someone ride it out with compassion and understanding and a hell of a lot of patience....or seek help to navigate and develop strategies with counselling.........has he always been the same way in a relationship with you..and do you really love him.......deb
OnlyHonesty Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Thankyou, the thing is i dont know if i want to end it. I just want to make him at least try, but i used to think it was a minor problem, now it seems as its a set part of his personality and i cant try and change him. Is there any point in hoping for an improvement or shall i stop wasting my time? He is the only one that can change, and when, or if he is ready to, then he will. That could be in a few months, or 10 years. Everyone changes in life but you cannot do anything about it, and you cannot chose when it will happen. Sometimes it can take almost a whole lifetime to become a more positive person because the underlying thought process often comes from unconscious thought patterns. There is also a sense of enjoyment with feeling that way. Negativity can be addictive / seductive and it feeds the false self. It can be hard to break free because it's part of the ego, internal chatter, and it can become a persons 'identity'. In your case, you only have 2 options, stay and out up with it, or leave and don't put up with it. There is no harm in trying to help him, but only if you have zero expectations and aren't doing so with a time limit in mind. Your post reminded me of I was watching earlier (These 11 STEPS Will INSTANTLY Make Your Life MORE POSITIVE | How to Live A Positive Life ). I'm only a few minutes in and I can say that I do every single thing he's mentioned on that list...yet many years ago, I was the most negative person you'd ever know. Diet is also related...
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