Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 What? All of a sudden because of age its a lure? I dont know.. he brought his family over, his mom and I are very close and theyre religious family like mine i just dont think hes gonna lie about something like that? What other signs should i look for if hes really just dangling me on? He just finished school as a resident MD..and is going to begin his job at hopkins in a month. He spends so much time with me He spends so much time with me - So what's you're problem here? Either he's spending time with you and sometimes needing some me/guy time or he's cutting you out. The man seems to be balancing his life very nicely to include you, his goals for becoming a doctor, which in itself is very demanding and allowing for some time for himself! A man who has the kind of focus and goals for his life that he has, needs a woman who can support him and complement his life, not be a drain on it. He needs a strong, secure, independent woman with a life of her own that is rewarding in and of itself. Get focused on YOU for a while so that you are making yourself happy and can do that in his absence once in a while. If he's feeling like he's under a microscope and everything he does makes you unhappy, he's going to feel like a failure in his relationship. That doesn't feel good for anyone. The fact is that he is older than you are, not so much in terms of age, but in terms of maturity and being goals oriented. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I don't think this man is controlling or stringing you along or anything, but I do think you're too young and immature for him and he's going to realize that sooner than later. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I agree that he probably isn't stringing her along, but I totally understand his hesitation. He's being smart. However, I do think he is responding to her level of immaturity by offering a "promise ring". That is for juveniles. I think he's telling her that he does like her enough to consider her a long-term partner at least, but how long that partnership will be is in question. I think he's just trying to appease her need for a significant sign of exclusivity at best. A promise ring is not a "promise" of anything. It's more like, "I promise you that, right now, you are not just a convenient piece of ass. You are my girlfriend at least and I hope you'll shut up for a while and be less clingy and needy and insecure". It's maybe more like he's stringing himself along in the sense that he's "waiting" for her to grow up.
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 I just get scared. Hearing about the big ego thing, hearing about how he could be stringing me along and how the promise ring thing is a big red flag. These all make me scared and in turn i freak out at him, delaying the process of us gettin engaged. He gets scared when I get all annoying asking when hes gonna make the big move. He still has a month of rotations, but he even asked me (before this whole club situation) if he wanted me to go on a family trip with his family to michigan on our anniversary (4th of july). He is extremely close with his mom and family.
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) I agree with you that he is waiting for me to grow. I lost my dad when i was ten bexause he died in a car accident. My BF is so compassionate about it. Once i was crying the night before my birthday because that was his death day and my bf started crying explaining how he thinks its best for me to try to forget my dad (not ina. Bad way) and he was crying saying that he would be the best husband to me and take care of me. For now he didnt respond to my message about how i just wanted the break to clear my head. I now dont know what to do. Do I explain how i want marriage and keep being annoying about how i want commitment? Or do i give it time and be with him as two partners and build? He also said, about the promise ring, that its stupid because there is no point to it and that he would rather wait and get the real thing. He a knowledged that the promise ring means nothing and that he believes getting the real thing with time is better. Hes a good guy. I just am scared. He does good things! But also has bad moments like myself. Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) I agree with you that he is waiting for me to grow. I lost my dad when i was ten bexause he died in a car accident. My BF is so compassionate about it. Once i was crying the night before my birthday because that was his death day and my bf started crying explaining how he thinks its best for me to try to forget my dad (not ina. Bad way) and he was crying saying that he would be the best husband to me and take care of me. For now he didnt respond to my message about how i just wanted the break to clear my head. I now dont know what to do. Do I explain how i want marriage and keep being annoying about how i want commitment? Or do i give it time and be with him as two partners and build? He also said, about the promise ring, that its stupid because there is no point to it and that he would rather wait and get the real thing. He a knowledged that the promise ring means nothing and that he believes getting the real thing with time is better. Hes a good guy. I just am scared. He does good things! But also has bad moments like myself. I lost my dad when i was ten bexause he died in a car accident. -- I am sorry that this happened to you. It is something that would be difficult to handle as a child and is very likely why your need to latch on to this guy so quickly and at such a young age is so scary and important to you. Your fears are not about losing this guy, per se, it's more about losing anyone important to you. You need to relax your grip on this guy. No one can replace your father and you need to get reconciled with yourself about that loss. Do I explain how i want marriage and keep being annoying about how i want commitment? -- You have missed the points that we are presenting to you entirely!!!! NO, you do not do this. You're already being an annoying, immature girl who wants what she wants and that's NOT WORKING. You can and should make a statement about your relationships goals -- "I'm looking to marry someone in 2 years, 3 years (whatever your goal is) and outline some other goals you have for yourself." If he is not on the same goal path or close to it, you move on. You do not NAG a man. You make a statement and then let him talk. Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 And, by the way, you have already broken up with him, have you not? That worked well for the last girl who gave him an ultimatum, right???? You broke up with him to manipulate him into "commitment". He's already felt that burn from another woman, so I doubt very much he's gonna buy into it now. Do this guy and yourself a favor, move on.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 As silly as promise rings are, the problem here isn't the ring itself. The problem is he took you to a store to buy you the promise ring you wanted and then didn't get it. What was that about? You are pushing things & acting irrationally when you don't get what you want. He know how young you are. I do think he likes that about you & he prefers the unequal power dynamic. But he also knows that he can't marry you any time soon because you are too immature for that. Calling him 2994 times "just to be pain" is your MO & it's an unhealthy one. The fact that he lies to you or doesn't tell you about stuff until after the fact because he knows you will make a scene is unhealthy. I really don't see this as a good relationship. I continue to believe that as soon as you are 21 you are going to hog wild & this will all be moot. For now if you have any hope of fixing this, first find out if you are broken up or together. That is unclear. Then simmer down. Be mature. Stop being a drama queen & for heavens sake stop pressing for marriage. If you can manage to say nothing about it until you graduate I suspect if the relationship hasn't blown up from your drama before that he might propose at that point. The more you carry on, the more he's going to run. 1
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 I told him i needed a break i didnt break up, I just want to fix this all and make the relationship stronger and better. I know you guys arent psychologists but i just wanna know how i can fix this all... this was what my thoughts were on messaging him.. "Hey just want to let you know that this break made me realize I miss and love you. That two best friends shouldn't lose eachother over a night out & I want you to be free. I just only wish to be a part of those nights somehow. " Him and i havent seen eachother in a month because im on vacation but im going back in a couple days. Ive done thinking and i dont wanna get married right now i just wanna be in a serious relationship with him. Getting engaged in a couple months would be nice. Also.. My mom is psychotic...she always meddles..always tells me to breakup as soon as something happens but then just now she told me to message him before its too late. Wtf?? She is constantly pressuring me about how he hasnt commited yet and when were gonna get married. I just have a lot of pressure on me guys.
Maggie4 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 oh so he's much older. that changes my answer because a well adjusted 30 year old man with a career would not put up with dramas, childish tantrums and show of low EQ. It'll ruin his career. Age gap relationships can work if the younger person is mature. You're not. So why is he with you? Is he from some culture where brides are very young and picked out by the mother?
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Actually i dont wanna get engaged in a couple months i just want it to happen when its right with him. Like in a year whenever i get into pharmacy school (this is my goal right now). Even he said he reallt wants me to get my school done and get into pharmacy school so we can get married. I think he wants me to be establishes as well because hes scared about my education.
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Lol, His family likes me but no were not from that kind of strict culture. I think he really loves me, I wanna be good to him and good to myself! But my mom and some other stressors like my past and pessimistic views interfere. Honestly, I cant get over him. If i could i wouldve, but I have a very strong connection with him.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I told him i needed a break i didnt break up, I just want to fix this all and make the relationship stronger and better. I know you guys arent psychologists but i just wanna know how i can fix this all... this was what my thoughts were on messaging him.. "Hey just want to let you know that this break made me realize I miss and love you. That two best friends shouldn't lose eachother over a night out & I want you to be free. I just only wish to be a part of those nights somehow. " Him and i havent seen eachother in a month because im on vacation but im going back in a couple days. Ive done thinking and i dont wanna get married right now i just wanna be in a serious relationship with him. Getting engaged in a couple months would be nice. Also.. My mom is psychotic...she always meddles..always tells me to breakup as soon as something happens but then just now she told me to message him before its too late. Wtf?? She is constantly pressuring me about how he hasnt commited yet and when were gonna get married. I just have a lot of pressure on me guys. Never gonna happen. What is in it for him? You will continue to be an immature pain. Even your approach to problem solving shows that you are not ready for marriage or engagement. You have barely dated as an adult. You were still a teen during the beginning of your relationship. You took a "break." There are no breaks from relationships. You are either together working on the problem or you are broken up. Your solution harkens back to middle school & is part of the problem. Now you want to 'fix" what you broken through text. AUGH!!!! You can't fix emotion matters in any way other that in person. Call him. Ask to meet. Go to him & talk. Admit that you screw up repeatedly by freaking out when he goes out & by pestering him for the promise ring & pressing him for marriage. He has already told you that's not happening until he is established & making money, which will take a few more years. Your mother is probably more hung up on the fact that he's a doctor. She sees that as some sort of status symbol & isn't thinking about what's best for you. Had she cared about what was best for you she would have been atomic when a grown man began seducing her innocent 18 year old daughter. You need to stand down & be patient. Seriously. See how you feel after you turn 21 Then wait at least another year before you expect a ring. As I said, if one will come, it will come around your graduation not before. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I told him i needed a break i didnt break up, I just want to fix this all and make the relationship stronger and better. I know you guys arent psychologists but i just wanna know how i can fix this all... this was what my thoughts were on messaging him.. "Hey just want to let you know that this break made me realize I miss and love you. That two best friends shouldn't lose eachother over a night out & I want you to be free. I just only wish to be a part of those nights somehow. " Him and i havent seen eachother in a month because im on vacation but im going back in a couple days. Ive done thinking and i dont wanna get married right now i just wanna be in a serious relationship with him. Getting engaged in a couple months would be nice. Also.. My mom is psychotic...she always meddles..always tells me to breakup as soon as something happens but then just now she told me to message him before its too late. Wtf?? She is constantly pressuring me about how he hasnt commited yet and when were gonna get married. I just have a lot of pressure on me guys. Whatever pressure you're feeling, you putting it on yourself! If you're mother is still influencing you so much, you're not an independent woman yet. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Go to pharmacy school & work for a year or two. That is a better long term plan then marriage. It's a set of skills you can fall back on if marriage doesn't work out. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 And, if your mother is pressuring her 20 year old daughter to marry a guy before she has given herself the opportunity to establish a life of her own and learn some life skills and prepare herself for the future, I'm questioning her parenting skills anyway . . . 2
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Alright, so.. Im not gonna listen or ask for advice from my mom anymore and if she asks ill say things are fine Im gonna get my **** together and focus on school more and try to maintain a 3.9 and give my pcat Im gonna take care of myself more and go to the gym more But the thing im confused about is him! Im not gonna talk about marriage im gonna throw this out of my mind because i dont need this right now, what i want is a mature and healthy relationship with him. Maybe I message him and see if he wants to see me when i get back? Or not send him this message and just call? Or just wait?? This is what i need help on. Also ill try to stop stalking/focusing on the negatives. I can be really negative and dwell on bad stuff so this causes me to freak out. if i see that he goes out one night...but again doesnt tell me.. ill just be calm. He will mention it the day after! Also, Ill wait till i turn 21 and im sure he will take me out together! Okay guys this really helped but i just need a game plan on what to do right now cuz i dont wanna make mistakes anymore 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Alright, so.. Im not gonna listen or ask for advice from my mom anymore and if she asks ill say things are fine Im gonna get my **** together and focus on school more and try to maintain a 3.9 and give my pcat Im gonna take care of myself more and go to the gym more But the thing im confused about is him! Im not gonna talk about marriage im gonna throw this out of my mind because i dont need this right now, what i want is a mature and healthy relationship with him. Maybe I message him and see if he wants to see me when i get back? Or not send him this message and just call? Or just wait?? This is what i need help on. Also ill try to stop stalking/focusing on the negatives. I can be really negative and dwell on bad stuff so this causes me to freak out. if i see that he goes out one night...but again doesnt tell me.. ill just be calm. He will mention it the day after! Also, Ill wait till i turn 21 and im sure he will take me out together! Okay guys this really helped but i just need a game plan on what to do right now cuz i dont wanna make mistakes anymore Are you in another country right now? If so, I think a text to ask if he will get together and talk when you get back is fine. By the way, have you met his friends?
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 So, I am out of the country yes. I have met the friends he considers closest to him. Ive met three of his best guy friends, And most of his family from uncles to cousins. He ahs also posted a pic of me on snapchat story alot of his exes and friends saw this. We already texted today, as I sent him a pic of a bracelet he wanted and he said i didnt have to, and then he said he wasnt with a girl that night and that it doesnt even matter anymore. I told him i trust him but i wish he wouldve told me beforehand that he was goig out... and nothing has been said since that.
darkmoon Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) If your gut is warning you, then pay attention My own response would be to dump him You could be a lonely wife, with a baby, while he goes out. Seen this week in week out, so pity the lonely wife with her midnight drunk Romeo. Edited June 12, 2017 by darkmoon
springy Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 He doesn't tell you he's going out because your reaction is so over the top. He hasn't responded because since you are broken up he no longer has to explain himself - that is my guess. Even if you get back together, the same problems are there. If he's given you no reason not to trust him it is unfair to punish him because of what someone else did to you. 1
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Yeah but we arent broken up i only called for a break so i dont know how to talk to him, he talked to me but then stopped replying
Author pbass Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Idk if i should call or if i should wait until tonight to see if he will call or text... all i know is he is sad because he again tried to defend himself that he wasnt florting with girls today and I said that thats not why i called for the break i just wanted to know beforehand and he didnt respond after that.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Yeah but we arent broken up i only called for a break so i dont know how to talk to him, he talked to me but then stopped replying Herein lies one of your biggest problems. You think a break & breaking up are different things. They aren't. You can call it anything you want. It doesn't change that fact that you broke up with him and a text won't fix this. Since he replied to the picture of the bracelet you sent, he may have seen your actions for what they were -- another of your overly dramatic tantrums. Send him another message. Let him know when you will be back & make arrangements to meet. Send no other messages until & unless he responds favorably. If he doesn't respond with a date & time to meet you may have to accept that your actions -- being a pain & breaking up with him -- have consequences.
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Yeah but we arent broken up i only called for a break so i dont know how to talk to him, he talked to me but then stopped replying When you request a "break" you do it with specifics -- "I'd like it if I could have some time to myself. I'd like it if we could meet on Xday, at Xplace, at Xtime to discuss where we should go with our relationship". And, by the way, when someone tells or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft . . . and if they do that often and/or as some kind of threat or ultimatum, I pick up that landing pad and let them crash. You should prepare for a crash landing.
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