I broke up with my serious boyfriend over this...

[pbass]

Hey guys, Been in a serious relationship for about 2 years now. Things were pretty seeious between us as he brought his family over to meet my whole family, and we've been discussing marriage and engagement so we were sort of in the courting stage.

 

Every now and then, He would go out with his friends to clubs or places like that, and hes over 21 but im a couple months away from being 21. He would sometimes tell me before he went, and i would freak out and keep calling 2994 times and just be a pain. So recently, He went last week with his brother and i saw on social media.

 

I was very angry, and when he called the next morning, I simply said i wanted a break and that i cant do it anymore and i was rude about it. He said he was sorry, that he wasnt with girls just with the guys and he asked "Did I do something wrong for going out with my friends?" And so I hung up after breaking it off. Later that night he texted me a message defending himself saying that he wasnt with girls or doing anything that should make me mad, but that he knew nothing would change my mind. I read the message and didnt even respond.

 

I feel like im really harsh but its been a week and I dont know if i can do anything about it now! But all i know is i love him and want him and want to end up with him, i just cant accept that he goes out without me! Im currently on vacation its been a month and im going back to theUS in a couple days. He knows this.

 

He never posts on social media, but recently he has been posting soo many updates of where hes going and what hes up to. Also- He never opens ex's social media. But when i post a story or post, he opens it to see what im up to. I just wanna get some insight from you all..what do I do?! Im jealous and always stalking his exes.. and He can be annoying because he goes out with his friends!

 

Also, I hate how he sometimes keeps things from me because he thinks ill freak out and go crazy.

Edited June 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pbass]

Someone please help

[Mittens]

Are you saying you broke up with your boyfriend because he wanted a social life that didn't always include you?

 

Unless he was never socialising with you, you are going to find that not many people are going to be sympathetic. Both of you should have interests and friends that don't always include the other...it's healthy! Your whole life shouldn't revolve around your boyfriend (and vice versa).

 

Stop stalking his exes as well. Jealousy is not an attractive trait in anybody.

 

Anyway, you are no longer a couple. Learn from this relationship and try and act a bit more mature in the next one.

[pbass]

I know you are right and thats why i wanna fix this i just dont know how.. should I message him??

[Kitchen]

I know you are right and thats why i wanna fix this i just dont know how.. should I message him??

 

OBVIOUSLY you should message him, and don't wait a second longer.

 

YOU broke up with him. YOU ignored him when he messaged you that evening. YOU want him back. And yet you are asking whether YOU should message him???

 

Learn to be a little active. If you messed up, it's on you to solve the issue. Don't expect any mature guy to chase after you after you took an axe to a 2 year relationship merely because he went out with his friends.

[d0nnivain]

You admit that you handle things badly. You also know that your EX keeps things from you because you behave badly when you are upset. You said it yourself when he tells you he's going out to places you can't go yet, you reach out 2994 times "just to be pain." You have to get a grip. I'm shocked that he hasn't dumped you for your inappropriate behavior.

 

 

If you want him back, you will have to own up to your immature actions.

 

 

Apologize & then work on your behavior. Be nice to him when he goes out. Don't pester him.

 

 

In a few months when you are 21 you will want to go out with your girls. I suspect your relationship won't survive that but you will have a better idea what the allure for him was.

[basil67]

Well yes, if the result of being honest with you is receiving your crazy behaviour, of course he will keep things from you.

To be honest, I think he will soon enjoy the lack of drama in his life now that you've removed yourself. I doubt he will return.

 

Go get some therapy so that you don't break your next relationship.

[preraph]

You're too clingy and insecure and possible spoiled to getting your own way. You need to grow up a little and not get hysterical every time a man is out of your sight.

[springy]

I know you are right and thats why i wanna fix this i just dont know how.. should I message him??

 

The fix is not through messaging him or getting back together, if that's even an option for him at this point. Fix yourself first. I think you should remain broken up and figure out why you behave this way. You seem very insecure and controlling.

[todreaminblue]

i dont feel you are ready to be in a relationship yet you have a little work to do .....do you have any close friends ? spend time with them and work on you,dont stalk his exes.....a lot of what you wrote what you did with him was really wrong and quite thoughtless certainly very selfish...one good thing ....is that you didnt get married....that wouldnt have been a happy marriage ...

 

you are no where near ready for an engagement to anyone.....and i wish you peace....i dont mean to sound harsh and im sorry if my post seems that way... ...i just think you need truth and i wrote it as nice as i could.......you'll get there if you work on you first....spend more time with good friends and family.......some time alone too for self reflection.....write down the ways you want a guy to treat you, be with you and if its all good then know thats how you should treat him back.................deb...

[Maggie4]

You are very young and learning your first lessons in relationships. Unfortunately you might make your mistakes on some very good guys. Ten years later, you have learned not to be clingy but by then some of these good guys are already taken. The ones not take may become cynical. Right now you are both innocent. He took what you dished out because the poor guy didn't know any better. Next time you are about to do something stupid, ask a friend or family, or ask on this forum, before you do it.

[pbass]

Hey guys i talked to him and broke the silence...i sent him a photo of a bracelet he wanted that i was gonna get him, he responded and was being cool saying i really dont have to and that hes good and thank you and i said i already bought it and then i asked how he was and he asked the same of me. , I said that i just wanted a break to clear my mind and He again explained that the person in the video i saw wasnt a girl, and that it didnt matter anyway, I then said that i know he doesnt cheat and i trust him, but that I wish he had told me before he went out and that i didnt have to find out on social media.. He hasnt said anything to that message and it sbeen an hour. What do you guys think? Him and I have a lot of history and never have we cheated, But i will say one thing! Once he heard a rumor that i went to some guys house party and he confronted me and was very mad, but i told him that it wasnt me (because it really wasnt i never went) and he said okay. He is also sometimes controlling of me going out.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hey guys i talked to him and broke the silence...i sent him a photo of a bracelet he wanted that i was gonna get him, he responded and was being cool saying i really dont have to and that hes good and thank you and i said i already bought it and then i asked how he was and he asked the same of me. , I said that i just wanted a break to clear my mind and He again explained that the person in the video i saw wasnt a girl, and that it didnt matter anyway, I then said that i know he doesnt cheat and i trust him, but that I wish he had told me before he went out and that i didnt have to find out on social media.. He hasnt said anything to that message and it sbeen an hour. What do you guys think? Him and I have a lot of history and never have we cheated, But i will say one thing! Once he heard a rumor that i went to some guys house party and he confronted me and was very mad, but i told him that it wasnt me (because it really wasnt i never went) and he said okay. He is also sometimes controlling of me going out.

 

How old are you two? Do you live in the same area?

[d0nnivain]

Now you are trying to buy him. [rolls eyes]

 

 

The sad part is none of us think you are exaggerating much about the 2994 calls when he's out. You understand that behavior makes you look like a crazy, jealous person & it's grossly unattractive.

 

 

Bottom line, you trust him or you don't & you don't. You have some idea that clubs are orgies & you can't get in yet. I'm not telling you they are girl scout meetings but your reaction to him going to these places is over the top. If he's going all the time & not spending time with you but if it's one weekend night once & month, you have to simmer down.

 

 

I think this relationship has problem, mostly stemming from your jealously & immaturity. That's not a crack. You are supposed to be immature when you are young; it's part of growing up.

 

 

Other than him not going to these places, what do you see as the solution? When you figure that out, tell him. See if you can work out a compromise for the next few months until you are 21.

 

 

Unfortunately when I look into my crystal ball, what I see is you turning 21, getting into these clubs yourself & you doing all the things you have feared your BF has been doing. That is part of why you are so insecure about him going to clubs because you have a sense of how you are going to behave when you get there. I'm sure he's flirted with a few girls, probably danced with some but it doesn't sound like he cheated. I suspect you will cross those lines when it's your turn. Then this will really be over.

[Redhead14]

Hey guys, Been in a serious relationship for about 2 years now. Things were pretty seeious between us as he brought his family over to meet my whole family, and we've been discussing marriage and engagement so we were sort of in the courting stage.

 

Every now and then, He would go out with his friends to clubs or places like that, and hes over 21 but im a couple months away from being 21. He would sometimes tell me before he went, and i would freak out and keep calling 2994 times and just be a pain. So recently, He went last week with his brother and i saw on social media.

 

I was very angry, and when he called the next morning, I simply said i wanted a break and that i cant do it anymore and i was rude about it. He said he was sorry, that he wasnt with girls just with the guys and he asked "Did I do something wrong for going out with my friends?" And so I hung up after breaking it off. Later that night he texted me a message defending himself saying that he wasnt with girls or doing anything that should make me mad, but that he knew nothing would change my mind. I read the message and didnt even respond.

 

I feel like im really harsh but its been a week and I dont know if i can do anything about it now! But all i know is i love him and want him and want to end up with him, i just cant accept that he goes out without me! Im currently on vacation its been a month and im going back to theUS in a couple days. He knows this.

 

He never posts on social media, but recently he has been posting soo many updates of where hes going and what hes up to. Also- He never opens ex's social media. But when i post a story or post, he opens it to see what im up to. I just wanna get some insight from you all..what do I do?! Im jealous and always stalking his exes.. and He can be annoying because he goes out with his friends!

 

Also, I hate how he sometimes keeps things from me because he thinks ill freak out and go crazy.

 

he thinks ill freak out and go crazy. -- He thinks that because you do!!!!

 

Sweetie,

 

I don't know how old you are, but you sound to be very young.

 

Even married people need their "me time" once in a while. On top of this, you two are not married and so he does not have to report to you or ask for permission to do things he wants to do.

 

You are smothering this relationship. It's unhealthy. If this guy was writing this thread, I think the majority of us would tell him to run for the hills.

 

Im jealous and always stalking his exes -- Bad and extremely immature move. Unless this guy has done things in the past to cause you to distrust him, I mean, empirically supported evidence, all this insecurity is YOURS and coming from an internally sourced issue.

 

He can be annoying because he goes out with his friends! -- And, what would you be thinking if he were attempting to isolate you from your friends and family???? That is controlling and manipulative behavior and a form of abuse/precursor to abuse.

 

You are confused to a spectacular degree about how to be in a relationship. On top of that I think you are really confused about YOURSELF. You need to take big step back and get focused on yourself as a strong, independent and secure young woman, which means, I'm sorry to say, you need to spend some time on your own without a partner. You are in no position mentally or emotionally to be a married woman or even in a serious relationship yet.

[pbass]

He is 30 and i am 20, we live about 35 min drive away without traffic. He has shown hes serious but at times he can be confusing. He would take me shopping for a promise ring and have his money ready but then we wouldnt end up buying anything. He brought his family to meet mine and talks about getting engaged, he would put on wedding videos to see what kind of wedding we would want. I dont know. I love him and am willing to work on myself so that i dont freak out at small stuff. But right now i feel like im losing him.

[pbass]

Guys so im gonna add some things-

I have these insecurities because in my very first relationship in highschool my boyfriend ended up talking to two other girls and making out with them. Also.

This guy that im with right now.. when he first told me about how many girls hes been with he kinda left out one of the girls and he apparently was with her for four years and gave him an ultimatum "either you marry me or were done" type of thing. He never told me about that specific girl until Some other girl told me about her and after asking him about her a lot he told me this whole ultimatum situation. Also, this girl still tries to contact him. He recently uploaded a picture of me on his snapchat story so then she blocked him. But yeah some stuff he wouldnt tell me about his past, I get its not my buisness if we werent dating at the time. But still!

[d0nnivain]

Oh dear. In your initial post when you said he was over 21, I thought you meant recently turned 21 & that you two were close in age. I thought this clubbing business was new since he turned 21 & was waiting for you to catch up.

 

 

So you have been dating since you were 18 & he was 28. Not good at all. You were too young for him. It's not the 10 years; it's the life stage thing. He's an adult & you are probably still in college.

 

 

This promise ring business is a lure. Promise rings mean nothing. Here he's using the idea of a (fake) commitment to lure you into a false sense of security He's not buying you one because he doesn't want to. He wants to keep you dangling on a string.

 

 

This is all bad.

 

 

You may be better off if you let him go.

[pbass]

Btw the girl told him the ultimatum. He was i think 25 at the time and he didnt really feel like she was the one after that and he wasnt ready to get married to her so he broke up. She tried to facetime him like september while we were together but he said he doesnt answer and that he doesnt want her, but also he cant mess up the peace between the families as there families live in same area and are old friends. This girl is even friends with the mom on facebook. I am too, but the girl pisses me off :/

[d0nnivain]

pbass

 

 

None of this is about his EX.

 

 

I fear your BF is a player & you best be careful. I don't see this ending well. You are too insecure & he is too manipulative. At his age he's dating you because he thinks he can control you better / more easily than a grown woman.

[pbass]

What? All of a sudden because of age its a lure? I dont know.. he brought his family over, his mom and I are very close and theyre religious family like mine i just dont think hes gonna lie about something like that? What other signs should i look for if hes really just dangling me on? He just finished school as a resident MD..and is going to begin his job at hopkins in a month. He spends so much time with me

[pbass]

But what do you think hes done that is manipulative? He has told me he needs some time to make money to be able to support me and that he wants us to be stable, All my friends have promise rings in relationships, We dont wanna get engaged right now but we talk about it and he wanted to show me he is serious

[pbass]

He lets me go out if i want to with my friends so hes not too controlling..

[d0nnivain]

The age difference is only a small factor. It only changed the fact that he's been going to clubs for a while. From your initial post I thought you guys were less than 1 year apart in age & he recently turned 21 so was exploring the new world of clubs. It remains a little creepy that a 28 year old was dating an 18 year old.

 

 

The bigger problem IMO is the promise ring thing & the wedding videos. One of my EXs did this to me. He'd dangle some deeper commitment I wanted in my face, pull it back & I kept on panting after him. That is what I see this guy doing to you.

 

 

No wonder you feel insecure & start acting crazy. This guy intentionally keeps you off balance. He says a lot of the right things but then he acts horrible. It doesn't excuse your behavior & you have to stop

 

 

The doctor thing doesn't help. Doctors are smart & they have huge egos. Not all doctors, but yours seems to have the bad traits. He doesn't want an equal. He wants somebody to hero worship him. You don't have to worry too much about chicks from bars & clubs. You have to worry about young nurses in supply closets.

[d0nnivain]

He "lets you out" and he's "Not too controlling." What is he, your parole officer?

 

 

Promise rings are meaningless. If you like them, that's lovely. But it doesn't change things. Even if this guy puts one on your finger he will still be a cad.